Thursday, April 16, 2020

Green Arrow vs. The Pirates, #6: The Armoire of Trophies!

When last we left Green Error, part-time vigilante and houseplant, he was waiting for his sidekick, Flapjack, to rescue him.

Which he does.

"Flapjack's Whistling Shaft" is the name of my next quartet.

On such occasions, the Boy Back-Up loves to find little ways of rubbing it in that Ollie is too dumb to notice.  Like calling Ollie "chum" after the pirates threw him off the boat as fish food. Twice.


Ollie's captors having been subdued, the Hydrodynamic Duo quickly catch up with the pirates, who have already beaten the snot of everyone on whatever vessel they are robbing.

Boarding the S.S. Hieronymus Bosch.

There's some needlessly homoerotic arrowplay:

"Quivering Prelude" is the name of my next quartet.
Or the prequel to "Unwilling Cabin Boy".

Ollie brings oceans of love for the boys.

You know, it wasn't until this panel that I was sure Kilgore's eye had a patch.
I thought it have might just been, you know, redacted.

Ollie threatens to shoot people with arrows while, well, actually shooting them with arrows.

Yellow? You know if Green Arrow were colorblind it would explain MUCH.

And a man with a beard shoots Ollie dead. Thus di--

SPEAKING of needlessly homoerotic.

REALLY, FLAPJACK?! Thanks for saving Uncle Gadget AGAIN.

Note the snotty caption making it clear just who is saving the day here.

The pirates skedaddle to their own scow, but not without a parting gift for today's contestants: a brand-new torpedo with Pouty Pegboy attached!  

Send them to the bottom? I thought that's who was tied to the torpedo...?

Ollie, following his natural instincts as an arrow, launches himself directly TOWARD the torpedo.

Which, I must reiterate, was somehow inexplicably fired from an old wooden schooner.

Which, thanks to thousands of hours of salmon laddering, Ollie simply catches and bends the solid steel rudders of.


Flapjack is bit taken a back by meeting someone even more helpless than Ollie.

Well, he's a kid; but he is definitely not like you.
Have you looked in the mirror lately?

And Ollie through -- of course -- sheer luck...
World's greatest archer 'accidentally' hits a target.


Captain Kilgore et al, you have failed this great seaboard city.

Thus dies... Captain Kilgore and the crew of the Black Raider. Golden Age is hardcore, baby.

And so, having triumphed again through dumb luck, brute strength, and his competent sidekick, Green Arrow adds another memento to his cavernous Armoire of Trophies:

Really need to get a bigger one of these for when you fight a robot dinosaur, Ollie;
you know it's coming.

Oh, and add "Mari Kondo" to the list of 1001 Ways To Defeat Green Arrow.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Green Arrow vs. The Pirates, #5: The Green Error!

Ollie's huffy AdamWestism is wittily dismissed by Captain Kilgore's hearty ho-ho:

When your pirate ship is named the Black Raider, it's considered wickedly clever, by Star City standards, to DISGUISE it with the name of the most famous pirate ship ever. 
It's not like Green Arrow's the World's Greatest Detective, you know.

Thus died-- ugh, wait a minute...

We're ALL breathless here, Ollie.

Ugh. Naturally, Ollie arrows his way out of the situation, because while he may not be very bright, all that time on the salmon ladder is still good for something.

Curses; I'll get you Penelope Pitstop!

At this point, the pirates are peeved at Ollie repeatedly clouseauing himself back at them, and propose to simply shoot the quivered cockroach in the back.

The head, actually. I mean, his back is protected by the quiver.

But Captain Kilgore proves himself a worthy Green Arrow foe by making a perfectly stupid decision for a perfectly nonsensical reason.

This is where the Captain reveals, through a song by Sir Arthur Sullivan,
that Green Arrow is actually his son, whom he gave up for adoption at birth.

Oh, god, here it comes...

"I've been thinking";
isn't that what Flapjack Red-Hat did to get Green Arrow into this mess to begin with?

Okay, it IS hard to argue with "anyone stupid and overconfident enough to do what Green Arrow does HAS to be insanely rich".  But who do you send the ransom note TO?  The Mayor of Star City? Which one...?

The one Ollie shot in the leg?
The one whose husband he killed?
The one who hates vigilantes?

The one whose daughter(s) he got killed?

Who on earth would want to ransom Ollie? The kid who launched him into danger with a catapult and who stands to inherit his fortune (including the awesome Arrowcraft)?

In any case, the pirates don't want to waste any more cement or bullets on Ollie, because they need to conserve that stuff for actual THREATS.  So, the villains leave him on a boat with two guards while they go on on their un-postponable heist. Because villains gotta villain.

You can't see the bucket of cement Ollie's standing in, but, trust me, it's still there, and it's freaking hilarious.

Pirate Candystriper is stuck sitting on a boat staring at Ollie make like an artificial tree for your at-home office...

Caution: do not water your Green Arrow. Quiver sold separately.

and tries to make sure he doesn't get anti-hazard pay for babysitting Star City's least threatening vigilante:

"Green Error". Ouch. Daily Bugle's gonna love that one.

Since Ollie is helpless -- more helpless -- without a bow and arrow, he looks around him and fashions a rudimentary lathe with which to tool one.

I do NOT have the patience to show you this whole McGyver clip.

All this is just to activate his real weapon: Flapjack, The Boy Back-Up.

Speedy? Is that Jay Garrick's sidekick? Who's he talking about?

Flapjack, ever eager for ADVENTURE, sees the flaming arrow signal and is overjoyed that he finally gets to see what sort of mess Ollie has blundered himself into this time...

SOMEBODY should.

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Green Arrow vs. The Pirates, #4: "Aren't You Green Arrow?"

DAMNATION! Okay, fine, let's follow this through, starting with Ollie's dignity-free ass-up crawl into the Bananaboat with the assist of an unrelated pre-teen.

Lucky. Again.

So, it becomes clearer to me as I read this...  

We all know that Robin is the Boy Hostage and Aqualad is Panicky Pal. But Flapjack Red-Hat, here? He's the Competent Sidekick to the Incompetent Hero.  He's Ape to George of the Jungle, Otto to the Time Squad, Penny to Inspector Gadget, Arthur to The Tick.  Red-Hat to Green Arrow.

The nice touch is: unlike his counterparts in incompetence, Green Arrow seems to be aware of the situation.

Knowing it is the first step, Ollie.

"Aw, Ollie! I want to be THERE to see you screw up!"
"No, chum. I'm obviously about to blunder stupidly into a trap, so you need to stay here to rescue me when the time comes. Don't worry, it won't be long."

So, Ollie starts catapulting/ziplining between derelict wrecks along the waterfront, much like his love life, I'm sure.

"Strange. There's no sign of the derelict ship among all these derelict ships.
How DOES Batman do it?!"

Practicing for "Dark Knight Returns"

Didy'ever think about just setting the ships on fire one by one?
Be doing the Harbor Patrol a solid.

It's what we ALL hope for, Ollie; not to see or hear you.

As Ollie arrow-pitons his way up the Black Raider, whom does he happen upon? Pouty Pegboy, of course.

Cuz their chains didn't fit you?


Astonishingly, the pirates spot the stage-whispering adult socialite dressed as Peter Pan before he spots them, because Green Arrow.

I think you can probably take your time with that, then.

BUT Golden Age Green Arrow spins around catlike just in time to disarm the scoundrels with his trusty bow, and, pinioning them all in the deck with arrows, exacts their swift surrender after a few nipple-twisters for good measure.

Or not.

BWAHAHAHA! Of course that's not what happens; this is GREEN ARROW. He immediately gets his ass kicked, and, seeing as how he didn't stay sunk the last time they threw him overboard, the Black Raider's crew give 'im a pair of cement galoshes; you know, like pirates do. List "cement" among the 1001 Ways To Defeat Green Arrow.

By the way, even quick-drying cement takes a socially-awkward while to set, so you have to wonder at what point Ollie finally decided it was time to say:

Adam West, eat yer heart out.

Thus died Green Arrow. End of story. Again. Check that insurance policy, Flapjack! Live-in partners always get something!

Monday, April 13, 2020

Green Arrow vs. The Pirates, #3: An Apparently Hopeless Wreck!

Having eluded the terrible torpedo of the seafaring scalawags, the Potamic Duo plan their counterattack, if "plan" is the correct word.  

Dive-bomb? You can only 'dive-bomb' something by flying at it from high above and you are in a boat on the waterline, what could you....

Oh, of course.  Green Arrow's signature move is to have the Arrowcar catapult him through unopened windows headfirst and otherwise headlong into barely-visible danger. Like an arrow.

In fact, he does it on the cover of this very issue.

Why would the Batbo-, er, Arrowcraft be any different? Sure enough:

You know why Ollie never adopted Roy?
Because Roy could reach that button easily.

Ollie proceeds to crack wise, which was the style at the time, while wreaking havoc on the pirates from a safe-distance, as befits a ranged arranger. Until he falls for a Marty McFly:

NOBODY calls him chicken.

SURE, Ollie says, since you asked so nicely, let me come down there on your level, giving up the aerial advantage that I risked my life and quite a lot of money at the boat shop to achieve, so you can easily kick my ass. Which is exactly what happens.

1-percenters, ammIright, folks?

The monocular have no love of archers.

Ouch. RIGHT in the mid-quip. Painful AND embarrassing.

Seeing how easily they defeated Green Arrow (add 'billy club' to the 1001 Ways To Defeat Green Arrow), the pirates sensibly decide that nothing more is needed than to throw him overboard like so much chum.

"So long, chum! HAW HAW!"

After this quick disposal, they continue their getaway by hiding their crappy near-derelict ship among a bunch of others such ships THAT INEXPLICABLY CLOG THE WATERS OFF STAR CITY WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

Shouldn't the Harbor Police DO something about this?
What do we PAY them for?!

Just as they did Green Arrow.

Thus died Green Arrow. Requiescat in mare; ave maria, plena Reginae. End of story.