Crossing the Line

 Geoff Johns has crossed the line.

Actually he crossed a line in Justice Society of America #11. Right here:

It reputed that it was Stan Lee who said, "Every comic book is someone's first."  

And who am I to argue with the creator of Stripperella?

It's a simple principle. You have to write comics with that in mind.  Otherwise, they become soap-opera fortresses guarded by impenetrable lore, 70 years thick.

Now, I love the world-building aspects of comics.  I like that DC is "a universe" not just a bunch of separate lines of comics.  But you shouldn't have to know all of it to understand any of it, because then every year, each issue, you necessarily shrink the pool of people to whom your stories--your PRODUCT--is meaningfully accessible. 

And when you author a page that is based on knowledge of Solaris The Tyrant Sun, a character whose significant appearance was in the DC One Million crossover, which was 26 years ago, you have clearly lost that concept.

He/it also appeared in All-Star Superman, but that's, you know, just an Imaginary Story. It's not REAL.

At the point, you clearly care more about your own ability to yoke the power of more original writers, like Grant Morrison and Alan Moore, to your own wagon.  About your using your own encyclopedic knowledge of DC lore as a gatekeeping tool. About connecting your moments and concepts to pre-existing cool moments and concepts in the hope it makes yours cooler.  

And are SO eager to do this, that you ignore the fact that Solaris doesn't EXIST until the 25th Century.

This line -- forgetting, or simply not caring that every comic book should be able to be someone's first --  is bad enough.  But in the very next issue, Justice Society of America #12, Johns crossed the next line, a line of no-return.

Because this comic is nothing AT ALL but Stargirl's graduation speech.

Because OF COURSE Courtney Whitmore is valedictorian, cuz she shits marble.

It's nothing but a sappy graduation speech with 47 double-splash pages of thousand-character fight scenes (all with Courtney as a centerpiece, of course, because Courtney is the center of the DCuniverse).  I kept waiting for The Story to start; there wasn't one.  Just a series of splash pages with dotted with treacly pap from Courtney.  

I want my money back.

I should not have to pay for story-less comics that Geoff Johns is clearly writing not for readers but simply for himself so he can pretend his sister is still alive as the Mary Sue center of the DCU.  That's a line no writer should cross and I'm not joining him on the other side of it.

Publishing House of Mysteries

As I mentioned yesterday, CBR is constitutionally, DEFIANTLY wrong, so this latest bit should be no surprise.  I suppose none of what CBR does along these lines should surprise me. The whole clickbait/generic lisicle style is pervasive on internet topic sites of any kind; it's just the one that algorithms shove in my face most frequently, due to the topics.

It's not that I merely disagree with any of the opinions implied, but rather that there ARE no opinions really implied. These are not lists or positions taken by, say, an actual blogger/vlogger with their own vision.  Those might be interesting or engaging. Rather, CBR's articles might as well all be titled "Most Publicly Recognizable Examples of X" or "Assertion that Throwaway in Recent Issue is a Permanent Continuity Change" or "Everyone Has Forgotten An Important Thing That Is No Longer Even Remotely In Continuity If It Ever Was".  

But the linked article, "10 Biggest Mysteries in DC Comics", is just face-punchingly mislabeled, when it is, at best, "10 Most High-Profile Reveals That Were Actually Retcons."  It did, however, jog me into considering the legitimate question: 

What are the 10 "biggest" mysteries in DC comics? And by "mysteries" I do NOT mean "unanswered questions" like the Joker's real name, the Phantom Stranger's origins, or how DID the Giant Penny in there, anyway. 

[Any replies addressing those issues will be deleted.]

I mean, you know, ACTUAL MYSTERIES.  

Like the kind Ace Investigator SPEED SAUNDERS used to solve.

Things that are mysteries to us and to some of the characters, things that they and we are challenged to solve (fairly or not). You know, real Kay Daye, Christine Ariadne stuff. 

I'll concede, I doubt I can even LIST ten, so I'm asking in advance for YOUR help. No matter how years later you may read this, please add any good ones you think of. Because otherwise all people will think of BS like "Hush". P.S. Don't list "Hush", which not merely some BS, but some ****.

I can think of plenty of crappy DC "mysteries": Identity Crisis, Long Halloween, Hush, Zero Hour (Who is Extant?), Every Silver Age Story With A Mystery Hero, Terry Sloane's Murder, The Joker's Daughter, The Wild Dog Mystery.  But what were the good ones? And why aren't there more of them?  I mean, DC does stand for "Detective Comics", after all.

Our nation needs Ace Investigator Speed Saunders again.

Here are some that I remember as definite positive stand-outs.

Who Killed Myndi Mayer?

This was certainly among the most affecting mysteries I have ever read in comics (don't spoil it for anyone).  Myndi Mayer wasn't a disposable walk-on or side character.

Myndi Mayer was a substantial supporting character, an ongoing, vibrant, and unique member of Wonder Woman's cast at the time.  She was a Strong Female Character of a sort, in the sense that she was an independent, successful businesswoman (she was Wonder Woman's publicist), but she was no angel, which was refreshing for a WW character.  She was grounded in a way that innocent Diana, new to "Man's World" in those days was not, and she made helped her transition from Paradise Island possible for Diana and believable to us.

That really should be the function of WW supporting cast-- grounding her -- whether they be an Etta Candy, an I Ching, or a Hoppy (not the bunny, the fast food worker).

But Myndi was found one night with a bullet in her head and the mystery was:

And quite a mystery it was.  It was AWESOME because it was the LAST thing you expected from WONDER WOMAN. But there she was: stuck in a murder mystery, the victim a close friend of hers, and she was unable to punch something or just magically lasso everybody into confessing. Eventually she DID solve the mystery and because of all those things it was incredibly impactful. And for other reasons, but you deserve to read it yourself.  

I can honestly say there is no mystery in comics that affected me more. There are still occasions, forty years later now, where some real world happening will prompt me to say: "Hm; Who killed Myndi Mayer, indeed?"

Who is Sensor Girl?

Although this mystery probably OBSESSED me (and everyone else) more.  I assured you nobody obsessed as much over all of the things on CBR's list COMBINED as they did over this. People LOST SLEEP over it!

I know because I kept them up talking about it.

It's a Legion of Super-Heroes' mystery and LSH LOVES mysteries, almost all of which have the form "Who is?"  But this is the greatest LSH "Who is?" mystery of all time.

Sensor Girl was a character who joined the Legion but kept her identity and the precise nature of her powers secret.  This violates, like, 47 of their little Constitutional Rules, about which they are quite fussy. But Saturn Girl says "I vouch for her", which immediately ENDS that subject, because nobody-but-nobody in the Legion crosses Saturn Girl.

You... do not want to cross Saturn Girl. Or doubt her.
Or suggest that that costume makes her look trampy.
(from Legion #90, a very memorable issue from Tom Peyer's very memorable run)

Sensor Girl was a mystery that stumped the most intelligent person in the DCU: Brainiac 5.  

Who has a 12th Level Intelligence, in case no one has mentioned it yet this issue.

Most people thought she was Supergirl. Her demonstrated variety of powers did seem consistent with that theory, but she seemed to have weaknesses inconsistent with it.  I knew it wasn't Supergirl because she had this flair about her that Supergirl could never have. Supergirl was a sad sack; Sensor Girl was a big old drama queen.

With a wicked pimp slap.

Eventually, Brainiac DID figure it out because, well, he's the most intelligent person in the DCU and that IS his power in the Legion so, how else could the story end?

He also pointed out that the answer was obvious and that you were an idiot for not figuring it out, because making you feel stupid is his other power.

But the real story is: with no internet hive-mind to solve it, this mystery OBSESSED anyone who knew anything about the Legion and was a high-point for Legion obsession and if you know anything about the Legion, you know that obsession is, um... well, knowing anything about the Legion and being obsessed with the Legion are pretty much the same thing, aren't they?

The Geoff Johns' Mysteries 

Geoff Johns is basically Nancy Drew or, if you prefer, a Solo Hardy Boy.  Geoff tells a very particular type of mystery, one especially designed to reward comic history aficionados.  A Big Event is building in one book or across many (or perhaps... on a television show); it's got lots of players and several appear to be driving the events. But it doesn't QUITE all add up.  

And you can't quite tell whether that's just, you know, how it's written or whether ... there's something else.  So MUCH comic book writing has big plot holes that we accustom ourselves to not questioning too much. Comic book roads are full of plot holes, so we've equipped our mind-cars with such extra shock-absorbers and heavy tires that it's easy to overlook it when we really DO run over a dead body.

Unlike Ace Investigator Speed Saunders,
who ALWAYS notices these things.

Geoff Johns takes advantage of that and ALWAYS hides things right in plain sight...right in our blind spots.  There is always Something Else, and that Something Else is always a Piece of DC History He Remembers Which You Forgot.

Blackest Night?  Nekron, refugee from a blacklight poster. Who even READ that first story?!

JSA: Darkness Falls? Ian Karkull, who fought Dr. Fate. Twice.

 

I mean, only ROY THOMAS remembered Ian Karkull.

Doomsday Clock? Dan Didio.
Oh, I mean, "Dr. Manhattan". Dr Manhattan screwed up the DCU.

You can think of others; you get the idea.  I love 'em, but they are all sufficiently similar that I lump them together.  I'm not being dismissive; it's the kind of thing that a Brad Meltzer tries to pull off but can't.

Watchmen

Speaking of Watchmen, it is ... a lot.  So much to think about. It's been part of our comic book history for so long that it's easy to forget--especially if you weren't alive when it came out--that it was, first and (at least apparently) foremost, a MURDER MYSTERY: who killed The Comedian?  But I still remember discussing the theories with my boyfriend at the time.  

I remember keeping him up all night talking about it.

I don't remember whether I or anyone else was surprised at the time. It's not like there were any 'bad guys' to choose from after all.  

Australian Lex Luthor Junior

I wasn't sure whether to count this as a mystery per se, but "Who is Australian Lex Luthor Junior and whose side is he on?!" was a definite PUZZLE of GREAT power during its time. 

And it's time was LONG.  It was SO long. That was what sold it.  No one could believe that DC had the attention span to hoax us that long. But in those days, the glory days of The Superman Triangle Comics, they did indeed.  They convinced their entire readership that Lex had died and been replaced by his illegitimate son from Australia. Over time it was impossible to believe this person

was this person

There was so much to like about the new Lex.

Possibly more than we can imagine.

In a way, he was still a challenge to Superman, even though he was a GOOD guy, not a bad guy. He was a challenge by BEING a good guy. Supergirl became disenchanted with Superman and became Lex's girlfriend, enchanted by seeing what he could do without even any powers.  Superman, with his minimalist approach to intervention, looked like a slacker compared to Junior's proactive approach to improving Metropolis. It seemed as though DC had decided that was a new, mature tack for the concept of "Lex Luthor" and really had throw out the scheming greedy egoistical big-brained madman of the past.

But in fact...

THEY SAVED LUTHOR'S BRAIN

Still one of the greatest panels in comics.

The whole thing was just so damned... COMIC BOOKY. In a GOOD way. They just WENT THERE. And it was GLORIOUS to realize you had been lovingly duped for OVER TWO YEARS.  DC can't even go two years now without a crossover that reboots the entire mutliverse, let alone stay the course on this sort of thing.

Can you image DC doing anything like that now? :-)

But enough of my remembrances: what are YOUR favorite mysteries from DC comics?

"And the Award goes to..."

STARGIRL.

I once posted a mean post about the early episodes of the Stargirl show, but I've since become a devoted fan as it quickly became the stealth JSA show it was always designed to be.

Also, every time this man (who plays a dark tortured *snort* "high school" artist) opens his mouth and resonates with That Voice, I can feel myself grow an inch.

Taller.

I could go into more detail about my change of heart, but I think one example from the show should suffice to explain it.  On the most recent episode they had these two eagle-eyed, beardy-faced very grown-up actors 

(who have OFTEN been in comedic roles, so you are really are ready to laugh at if there is slightest room to interpret what they are saying as a joke)

deliver with absolute deadpan serious conviction (NAY, TERROR), the information that one of their great supervillain enemies has won an Oscar.

And is now a gorilla.

Thank you, Stargirl & Co., for not just loving comics but for not being embarrassed about them. You will be missed.

Stargirl, Season Two: I Hate Stargirl Less

I watched the first five episodes of the new (second) season of Stargirl (which I have not been kind to in the past).  

I'm enjoying it more than the first season, which introduced so many characters, but (literally) wasted a lot of them.  Courtney is still irritating but at least she (and others) seem to be more aware of it.  Cindy ("Shiv") remains (and remains irritating) as Courtney's underwhelming foe, but that shouldn't surprise me since she's obviously designed as an anti-Courtney.  Beth Chapel continues to grow on me as a character and I actually said "I love you, Beth!" more than once out loud (which perhaps her parents should consider doing). I particularly enjoy her unexpected chemistry with Rick Tyler.  Sometimes the show wallows in dated stereotypes, but I give it credit: it often demonstrates that modern teens aren't as trapped by such stereotypes as previous generations were, and the relationship between Rick and Beth is a good example.

The annoying parts remain annoying (I'll get to that in a minute), but the show's gotten darker and more interesting and that helps.  Whereas last season's challenge was definitely a rule-the-country cabal of costumed villains, Eclipso is a cosmic-horror nightmare whom you can't punch into submission.  The show has done a wonderful job with the Shade, which is impressive, considering what a tricky character he is.  He's simply intrinsically threatening and even when he's on "your side", it's not exactly comforting.  Things will get darker still when Jennie/Jade finds her brother Todd/Obsidian, who has darkness powers as well.

Somehow they managed to work Paintball, of all people, into this mix, as an unexpected treat; even though it was a stretch, I enjoyed it.

So, I'm enjoying the main plot.  Meanwhile, the JSA is expanding (Green Lantern's daughter Jade shows up, as does the Thunderbolt and some original members will be popping up) and a new Injustice Society is forming (I'm jazzed for Fiddler Junior, whose actor seems good).  Beth is facing up to the realities of her homelife, Rick is taking an unexpectedly humane approach to an old problem, Cameron and Courtney continue to fail to be a couple, and Artemis's parents give us a surprisingly complex view of parenthood.

I do continue to be annoyed by endless examples of Dramedy Ridiculousness that riddle the show needlessly.  Such as...

There is no internet. Sylvester "Star-Spangled Kid/Starman" Pemberton, the genius who invented the nearly-magical technology of the cosmic staff, is crawling his way across the country, looking for breadcrumbs to locate his former sidekick, Pat "Stripesy" Dugan, including asking Pat's ex-wife who is (of course) a waitress at a diner, like this is an episode of Route 66 (look it up, kids).  Hey, Sly; try Google. Pat didn't even bother to change his name and he owns a business, so you know there is a record of that on-line (and on the Pit Stop's website, and don't try to tell me it doesn't have one).  How did he find Pat's ex-wife if he can't find Pat? Ridiculous.  The ONLY possible save will be if, when he does find Pat, Starman says, "it never occurred to be that you'd be dumb enough not to change your name."  That would be pretty on-model for both characters.

Surprise vacation plans! Uh-huh.  In real life, parents do not spring 'surprise vacation plans' on the children and then react with disbelief when the children are not thrilled.  This is a sitcom thing to manufacture conflict.  It's believable that parents might have a different idea for their children of what constitutes a good vacation, but their IDEA would definitely be mentioned to the children before plans were made.  And the dog would not get a vote.  Ridiculous.  Please spare us these cringeworthy moments that make the family unlikeable.  Also, the kids clearly don't need or want a trip; not being in school is vacation enough for them.  The parents could easily go away for two weeks on their own and let someone look after the kids while they are away.  Besides... those kids are old enough to take care of THEMSELVES for two weeks. I'm pretty sure if you can defeat the Injustice Society, you can manage to feed yourself for a fortnight.

Catholic guilt! Ugh; Yolanda Montez.  I guess she's just going to be the Permanent Self-Doubt Character.  Look, we can all tell that Brainwave is living rent-free in her head somewhere and that's the cause of her headaches. But OF COURSE she's interpreting that as guilt issues for killing him.  Look, I don't mean to dismiss that killing someone, even in self-defense, would be pretty traumatizing for a teenager (anyone, really).  But saddling the Catholic Latina character with this issue?  Like a lot of the characterization choices on the show, it just seems a bit lazy.  Also, the blatant retcon of Mike's vehicular murder of Icicle as an 'accident' so that only Yolanda has this guilt issue was embarrassing.  Apparently the writers finally noticed that what was a joke when Mike did it was supposed to be trauma/drama when Yolanda did it, and I'm not even going address the sexism of that.  

No More Secrets, Except This One.  The computer that writes CW scripts is simply unable to write them without the Secrets Quadrille:

1. Characters Keep Secrets from One Another
2. That Causes Problems and They Uncover Those Secrets
3. Their Feelings are Hurt, but they Work through Them and Promise "No More Secrets!"
4. Something Even More Important Comes Up, That One of them Has to Keep from the Other(s) for their Safety; Repeat

This was already trite before CW started doing it. In every show. In every season.  Please stop embarrassing yourself and us with this routine.  Reality check: the parents in this show have been letting their children run around fighting supervillains TO THE DEATH.  Not telling them that Eclipso killed a little girl because you 'didn't want to scare them' is laughably unbelievable.  The Shade seems like he's actually interested in protecting the children; you just seem like you're interested in protecting them from the truth. He's protecting their lives; you're protecting their innocence.

Padlock Security. You know, Pat, if you really don't want someone to be able to find S.T.R.I.P.E. so easily, you might at least put it in A BOX.  

Arbitrary School.  Parents cannot simply enroll you in summer school to keep you out of trouble, Yolanda.  You can't flunk History and English without noticing it, Courtney. You can't just make a student take a second entirely different final after they pass one, Ms. Rick's Teacher, without having to justify that to the Administration.  You can't call parents in on the last day of school and tell them their child has flunked and has to go to summer school with no prior warning, Mr. Principal.  And someone really should have mentioned that THERE IS A SUPERVILLAIN HIDEOUT under the school so the building could be closed to clear that out during the summer.

I hate "Stargirl"

Only one or two episodes in, and I'm already sick of Stargirl.

Perhaps that's not entirely fair, since I was sick of Stargirl the character LONG before the show started. Nevertheless, it is true, and watching the pilot certainly didn't help.

First, she's the most painful and obvious Mary Sue in comics.  Well... in DC comics, any way.  I'm sure Marvel has someone worse, simply as a matter of principle.  And, yes, I know why she is, and, frankly, I do not care.  It's not an excuse for continuing to INSIST that we love her and that she's the Sensational Character Find of 1999. DC editorial -- some people more than others, mind you -- have been forcing her down our throats for 21 years now. 

Since Jack Knight Starman. THAT's how long this has been going on.

And, as far as I can tell, to no avail. I have never hear anyone call themselves a Stargirl fan; I've never even heard of the existence of any Stargirl fans.  I mean, STEPHANIE BROWN has fans. But not Stargirl; what does that say?  

No one was crying out for Justice For Stargirl, let alone for her to have a show, and yet, here it is.  And it's painfully trite in ways I couldn't have even imagined.  Some of it is intrinsic to the characters.  Goofy "Frankenstein Junior" robot-suit god-awfully named "S.T.R.I.P.E."  (do NOT look up what the acronym stands for, it will not help, I guarantee it).  The 'step-parent' conflict dynamic.  Courtney's "born heroism" and her 90's-era midriff and biker shorts.  

How is this ALREADY more dated than a 1940s boy circus aerialist?

But some of it is NOT intrinsic to the characters: it's special sitcom hackery brought to us just by the showrunners.

A high school with preposterously stereotypical jocks, and Movie Bullying, and The Losers Table.  Oh, and the Chief Bully is the Chief Villain's son; how terribly convenient it all is.  Note that that is in the same town the show goes out its way to show is So Much Nicer and Friendlier Than The Big City.  

Nickelodeon called and wants its show back.

Oh, naturally, the Cosmic Staff is kept in a crate in the basement (where Courtney can literally stumble upon it) rather than somewhere safe and secure (heck, Pat's SUIT is under lock and key). A basement where, by the way, Lily Munster must go down EVERY DAY to refresh the cobwebs.  




How is removing cobwebs not THE FIRST THING YOU DO in every part of your house once you move in?  Who sold them this house FULL OF COBWEBS?! It's more cheap cinematic short-hand.  Cobwebs = disused area for old things, logic be darned.

That terrifying homunculus who plays Courtney's off-the-rack precocious annoying stepbrother?  I fear staring at him for too long, lest he steal my soul.  

The Boy III: Brahms' Revenge

Pat "couldn't find any trace of the Injustice Society" in Blue Valley, population 42?  How about the local brain surgeon who is obviously Brainwave or the total jerk-wad who runs the local gym and is clearly the Sportsmaster?  The one who's training you? I see why Pat was just a sidekick, he's as dumb as a rock.  A rock who can build a flying mecha-suit out of old car parts, of course.  And who, as his stepdaughter is facing off against Brainwave (who killed his previous and much more experienced partner), has the sang-frois to laugh about being called her sidekick?  Will that be funny once Brainwave has crushed HER with a schoolbus, Pat?

Speaking of Brainwave; he has a son who is Courtney's age (or a year or two older). Meaning Brainwave had a wife and a sevenish year-old when he killed the Justice Society.  How did THAT work?  "I'll be late for dinner, honey; gotta kill the JSA after work!" And having accomplished this masterwork of villain decides to... hang in Blue Effing Valley for ten  years?

Guess they never got around to carving up the U.S.; "Eh; Blue Valley's nice enough."

Also, why is the son of one of the DCU's brainiest villains (it's... in the name) a meathead jock? Not because it makes any sense, but simply because it's Hollywood rules: high-school bad guys are meathead jocks. Never smart guys. Why? Because nerdy kids who resent meathead jocks are the ones who write this stuff.  Where I went to school, all the meathead jocks were danged nice, in fact. Big sweet quiet guys; the intellectuals in AP classes were the vicious domineering ones.

And they dressed just like that. 
Drama Club, you know.

And the cosmic staff.  Well, it LOOKS perfect, I'll give them that.  But now it's a feisty anthropomorphic sidekick.  It's the Magic Carpet from "Aladdin"; I can't tell you how annoying I find that.  All the reviews keep calling it her 'magic staff' and, although the inaccuracy of that bothered me at first, I can't blame them.  Because there is zero about it that says 'science' (not even COMIC BOOK science); even if you treat it as MAGIC it's hard to swallow.  

Oh, yes; the Tire Factory. The 'backbone of this community'.  And Pat's auto-shop. And the mecha-suit built from car parts. And the classic car visual motif to all the promos. Oh, that's right; Geoff Johns is from Detroit, so "Stargirl" is also a memorial to a bygone city and era, not merely a tragically killed relative.

Look, I'm all for revivifying public awareness of and interest in the Justice Society.  I'm just saying: Stargirl seems like a high price to pay.