I am inspired by recent events, including Dusty's monogrammed handkerchief, to pay a visit with the most iconic, interesting, and long-lasting character in Detective Comics #27: SPEED SAUNDERS, Ace Investigator.
|Why does his logo use two colors? Shut up, you, who are YOU to question the branding of SPEED SAUNDERS?! Silence, lest the Killers of Kurdistan come for you, as well!|
What is an "Ace Investigator" and why is Speed Saunders one, you ask? Well, as previously mentioned and independently confirmed, Speed Saunders is an Ace Investigator because, like the Ace in a suit of cards, he outranks every other card, no questions asked. As in this scene where he pulls up to a cop and impatiently demands a report.
|Yeah, that's right, flatfoot: MISTER Saunders to you.|
In classic Golden Age overkill, the corpse was strangled, tied up, and thrown into the river before being fished out
|"How dare you present me with a corpse in this condition, officer! Do you know who I am?"|
That's not lipstick on the corpse's collar; it's very much NOT lipstick, as we shall learn later. He's been strangled with a jaunty little scarf, inscribed with a red crescent moon DELIGHTFULLY echoed by his adorable little red Pug tongue. I love Golden Age art.
|"Decorative handker-chiefs interest me, whereas you are merely stolid and tedious. I must away, not to any mere branch library, but the Metropolitan one, because branch libraries do not merit visits from Speed Saunders."|
It's obviously the middle of the night, but that poses no obstacle, since libraries, even Metropolitan ones, simply open their doors at the sight of Speed Saunders. There, among the priceless portfolios of parasols and encyclopedias of ancient Etruscan snoods, he curls up with some bound volumes of the quarterly reviews of the Decorative Handker-Chiefs Journal.
Naturally, telephony cannot convey the magical authority of Speed Saunder's voice, so he must drop in on people directly in order to question them, including Eastern Lore Expert, Mr. Trelawney.
|"SPEED SAUNDERS SHOWED UP AT MY PARTY AND I DIDN'T EVEN INVITE HIM THIS IS THE APEX OF MY LIFE SHOOT ME AFTER THIS IS OVER!"|
Trelawney is trés fawny and falls all over himself making sure everyone knows HEY SPEED SAUNDERS SHOWED UP AT MY PARTY BECAUSE WE ARE FRIENDS HEH YEAH THAT'S RIGHT.
|"I AM TOUCHING HIM OH GOD HAVE I SOILED MYSELF PLEASE SOMEONE TAKE A PHOTO BEFORE IT SHOWS!"|
Meanwhile, Speed, being an Ace Investigator and star of Detective Comics, notices the red crescents on a woman's dress:
It would be kind of hard not to notice, wouldn't it?
I wouldn't be surprised if they light up. The red crescents, I mean.
The woman, whose name I must assume is Rhett Croissante, is so overcome by the very presence of Speed Saunders that she spontaneously generates a big honking clue out of thin air, which Speed then uses to confront ...
not her but Trelawney, apparently directly tesseracting through space-time to do so, because as a godlike fifth-dimensional being Speed Saunders has no patience for your petty fourth dimensional limitations.
|"Trelawney, I suspect you of providing medical assistance to the Ottoman Empire!"|
I imagine Speed Saunders simply startling most people into confessions by just suddenly APPEARING in front them with no preface, silent shoving some clue in their face, like the Phantom Stranger's More Judgemental Younger Brother. But who I am to question the deductive process of the star of Detective Comics?
Anyway, Speed goes to beard the Trelawney in his den:
|"Don't be stupid, Trelawney, I'm The Goddam Speed Saunders, of course I've heard of the Kurdistan Killers. In fact, before they even cut their first album, I saw them open for The Flips at the Clarkson Benefit Concert."|
Tomorrow: Trelawney's... ... *snort*... "friend".