Friday, September 02, 2016

Taking Head Week #7: CAW and the Unsatisfying Conclusion

So the Hawks have rescued the Head McGuffin and Miss Sparklejuice from obscurity (and CAW) and are heading to return them to the Nine Unknowns, the people irresponsible enough and lazy enough to have lost them two thousand years and never looked for them or made replacements.  Great idea.

"Aren't we tandomly wonderful?!"  
The Hawks are totally That Couple You Hate On Facebook

The hidden sanctuary of the Nine Unknowns, unhidden by the Hawks' portable absorbascon.  

Wow. There actually are nine of them.  That's a level of fidelity I wasn't expecting in a Hawkstory.

First of all, the Hawks are NOT humans.  Second of all they are in mid-air; so they haven't set foot anywhere yet.  Third, what the HECK are you wearing?!  

Why not just take them to the Midway museum? 
They'd be broken within a week.

The Nine Unknowns take the Hawks on a tour of their sanctuary, because, although nameless like EVERYONE else in this story, they are still polite hosts, which is impressive since they haven't had any guests in 50 years.

Hey, that means... someone visited them in 1914. Any guesses?  A young Sonny Blandish?  Arne Saknussen? Vandal Savage? Enemy Ace?  Yeah; probably Enemy Ace.  Hans got around.

The spinning indic-arrow at the left of the machine really makes this panel.  Also, I have zero doubt that there's almost always strange radiation in Hawkgirl's body, just on principle.

The Hawks are so constantly afflicted with tingling sensations for some reason or other, that they don't even think twice about it anymore.  All those special pleasure-enhancing lubricants, no doubt.

Figuring that the radiation was just CAW's way of trying to find the sanctuary, the Nine Unknowns (or at least The One Unknown Who Talks A Lot) turns on the sonic shower and purges the Hawks of the strange radiation.  

It's a lot like the Decontamination Room of Sexiness on Enterprise, isn't it?

It's beneath the GANGES?!  Um, yeah.  No, thanks. NO treasure is worth going into the Ganges River.

As the now radiation-free Hawks return to Midway City, they are tailed by an evil limo.

Why would you need to tag the Hawks with special radiation to track them? Is there anyone easier to spot on earth?!?

And who is IN that evil limo? Why, the leaders of CAW:
Shadrach, Mishach, and Abednego.

Uh-oh, they have the power of serialocution. That's dangerous.

That's some multicultural WORLD evil, right there.  A fedora, a fez, AND a turban. I'd be more impressed if I didn't know Jervis Tetch could kill these guys in 60 seconds.

Their back-up plan is a pretty clever fake-out, actually, The REAL target (um, currently) is the portable absorbascon Hawkgirl is carrying, which can tell them anything damn thing the plot requires. 

Which is WAY more useful than a Universal Death Ray, 
by the way.  What are going to do with a ray that kills everybody?  

Is this the point where I mention that the absorbascon SITS IN THE HAWK'S OFFICE at the museum all day and could be stolen easily?  No. No, it is not.

So Manny, Moe, and Jack press the button that should kill the Hawks and...nothing happens. Because of course the Hawks have been purged of the offending radiation.

"Next time, Gadget!"

What an impossibly byzantine plot.  No wonder CAW hasn't taken over the world.  More like the Criminal Alliance of Frustrated Impotence, if you ask me.

I still love CAW, though, because they are true villains and not mere crooks.  Real crooks would just have shot the Hawks during one of their frequent, obvious fly-bys and THEN gone after the Head McGuffin and Miss Sparklejuice.  

That's why the Hawks don't live in Gotham.


Anonymous said...

"CAW and the Unsatisfying Conclusion"

This story is symbolically about the fulfillment the Hawks find in their swinger lifestyle, and how the local squares just don't have what it takes.

Scipio said...

Really? Because this definitely ended not with a bang, but a whimper.

John said...

So, they hauled out the very-white-but-multiculturally-hatted CAW leadership to quietly fail to thwart their entirely indifferent foes who dredge the Ganges and find the treasure house off-panel. A fitting end to the unauthorized sequel of The Nine Unknown (which, sadly, does not note "some Hawkman story" in its influences).

Errr...Do I want to know why the modern Nine look like they're made out of elemental Cheeto? Is that why they wear the hats and robes, to distract from the obvious fact that they're dangerously cheesy?

Either way, the writers at DC clearly had never been allowed outside without supervision, back in those days, but they did churn out a lot of fun--if wildly inept--stories.

Anonymous said...

"Really? Because this definitely ended not with a bang, but a whimper."

That's kind of my point -- the Hawks are traveling all over the world, getting covered in exciting new energies, and showering with their new friends, while the disapproving squares of CAW can do little but shake their repressed little fists in frustration.

Unknown said...

You know what's funny, the CAW kingpins probably think that the Hawks used their Absorbascon to figure out what the goons shot them with, and that's why the plan didn't work. They probably even felt really stupid afterwards for failing to notice such an obvious flaw in their plan, when in actuality they were foiled by some guys who noticed a weird energy inside the Hawks and helpfully removed it for them.

SallyP said...

Oh, all I could think of, was the idea of Enemy Ace visiting that remote monastery or whatever the heck it was, and how much better a story that would have been than the bird brains.

Redforce said...

"Tandomly Wonderful!"
It's impossible NOT to love Scipio.

tad said...

I loved this. As with so much of your best stuff, it both amuses me and reminds me of what I loved about comics when I was a kid.

Also, I wish someone would have a contest to name the three masterminds of CAW. You brought up Shadrach, Mishach, and Abednego, but of course they might be Manny, Moe, and Jack, or Tinkers to Evers to Chance, or even Faith, Hope and Charity.

Oh, and I appreciated the Zahi Hawass drive-by. That man mesmerizes and horrifies me.