Friday, June 27, 2014

The Testimony of Green Lantern (and you know which one)

"Our next witness--"
"Goodness, are you alright, sir? We had no idea that there was any problem with the ceiling tiles!"
"No,  no, I'm fine; it hit me in the head."
"Please place your left hand on this Book of Oa, raise your right hand. Do you solemnly--"

"What's WRONG, sir?!"

"My god, look at my hands! THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!"
"You're wearing gloves."
"Making it even MORE impressive!"
"Moving right along.  How would  you say you've been faring in the New52 universe, Mr. Jordan?"
"Ha! Aces!"
"Could you elaborate?"
"Well, I'm the favorite of the guys in charge of the whole universe!"
"The Guardians?"
"No, Geoff Johns and Dan Didio!"
"Everything's been arranged around ME!  I got to found the Justice League, but I don't have to spend any time with them, because they make me look bad.  Instead, I'm, like, the leader and centerpiece of the entire Green Lantern Corps!  Which is the center of six OTHER corps they created just to make me more important! I'm the center of the universe!"
"I thought Oa was the center of the universe?"
"Not any more.  Oh, and there's like over 9000 new Heroclix coming out that all center around ME."

"Mr. Jordan aren't you being a tad... solipsistic?
"... .... Ring, define the word 'soli--"
"Self-centered, Mr. Jordan.  It's not all about you."
"Wow, maybe I should be an orange lantern! Oh wait; I AM!"

"I thought were the head of the GREEN--?"
"I can be ANYTHING!"

"All at the same time!"

"That's a nice look, Mr.Jordan; I approve. Now about your supporting--"
"The UNIVERSE is my supporting cast!"

"So, you don't like the idea that DC may be planning to reboot this entire universe as early as next year?"
"That would ACES."
"I beg your--why do you say that?"
"Because it could be BIGGER. And it could center around me from the START, this time!"
"No more questions."

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Reboot? The Testimony of Aquaman

"Our next witness is the King of Seas, Aquaman.  Mr Curry, do you swear to--"


"Uh...that's great, sir.  May I ask why?"

"Before the last reboot I was always dead, or disfigured, or demented. Now I'm HERE. And I'm AWESOME."

"I see. So you'd say, then, that you are faring well in the reboot?"

"Poseidon's beard, man!  I have a KINGDOM.  I have RESPECT. I am BADASS.  I have a HOT REDHEAD as a consort (I don't even have to be married).  I've got no Aqualad for baggage. I have ALL my body parts, and a shiny costume, and great hair! AND TWO BOOKS!"

"I see. So, you feel that this newfound respectful treatment--"


"Yes, that's my favorite part, also, for obvious reasons.  There's talk that--"

"And a DOG. Salty the Aquadog! Wanna see a picture? I live in a cool lighthouse and everyone in town loves me!"

"So the--"

"I'm going to be in MOVIE, did you know that? A cameo, yeah, but with a BIGGER film down the road."


"OH, and not only am I a badass, my VILLIANS are, too.  Ocean Master, Scavenger, Black Manta,  heck even VULKO is a badass.  Even the new Creature King!"


"OMG, do you think they'll bring back the Human Flying Fish? Only as a BADASS?!"

"YOUR MAJESTY!. there'stalkthatDCisgoingtoreboottheiruniverseagainnextyearandreversethingsorcreatea newstatusquohowwouldyoufeelaboutthat?"


"I --"

"That's ...that's OUTRAGEOUS!!!"

"So you don't want to be removed from the New52 into some other context?"

"Whoever tries will be so full of trident holes that the sponges will pity him."

"No further questions."

Monday, June 23, 2014

First Witness: Superman

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence has alreadybeen placed before you: it seems increasingly likely that DC will be rebooting its multiverse in the spring of next year.  The question being put to you is not whether it will… but whether it should
I call to the stand my first witness:  the Man of Steel, Superman.”

“Do you solemnly swear etc., so help you Rao?”
“I never lie.”
“Unless someone’s asking Clark Kent whether he’s Superman.”
“Superman never lies.  Clark Kent, however, is a lying sack of babootch poo.”
“Superman, can you tell the court how you feel you’ve fared in the New52 reboot?”
“World’s best known superhero loses parents, girlfriend, and job overnight.”
“You really are a reporter, aren’t  you? Please elaborate.”
“Well, my parents, universally credited as the source my unwavering moral compass, used to be alive before. Now they are dead.  No big reason for it. Just easier not to have to write them, I suppose.  I used to have two long-running love interests, Lana Lang and Lois Lane.  Curious—both have the initials—“
“And now?”
“Lana’s an engineer.  Lois has some other boyfriend.”
“Who’s secretly a supervillain or a longtime rival or your moral opposite?”
“No.  Anyway, now I have to date someone who grew up in a lesbian commune and has a bondage fetish.”
“Charming.  And work?”
“I think I work at some website that can’t possibly support me and is really the brainchild of Cat Grant.  I think maybe I still live with my pal Jimmy Olsen, who’s now a wealthy heir.”
“So…they’re supporting you?”
“I—well, they are my supporting cast.  Maybe I crush coal into diamonds and sell them, I don’t know, don’t ask me.”
“You seem uncomfortable with this line of questioning.”
“No….it’s …the collar. It’s itchy.”
“And that bothers YOU?”
“It’s super-itchy.  Besides, I’m no longer wearing underwear and that makes me feel a little self-conscious.  That’s not how I was raised.”
“How do you know?  Your parents have been dead since the reboot so you’ve never met them.”
“Anyway, I don’t think I’m faring very well since the reboot.  Ever since it happened I’ve been feeling short-temped and stand-offish.” 
“So you’d appreciate a chance to go back or start fresh?”
“That’d be super, yes.”
“No more questions.”