Wednesday, September 28, 2011

If This Week Were a Comic Book

it would have gone something like this.

Caused by a recent alien attack, super battle, or attempted theft by the Injustice Society, cracks in the Washington Monument were repaired by a small crew of superheroes from different titles, probably using something like heat vision, in one panel, while discussing some other much more important problem.

On a trip to Italy to visit relatives and shatter the foreign roots of Gotham's mafia using only a crossbow, Huntress rescued Amanda Knox from a courtroom trial, using a smoke bomb and a grappling hook. Leaving behind a thumb drive full of exonerating evidence, a bound and gagged Ivorian, and three guards with arrows stuck in their firing shoulders, Huntress's parting words to the court were, "I'm bad and I'm drawn that way."

Famously transgendered vigilante The Predator flopped on Dancing with the Capes, afterwards eviscerating competitor Ricki Lake. Bouncing back from the experience after emergency surgery at STAR Labs, Lake announced, "This weight loss will help me get into my wedding dress!"

The Daily Planet reported that hundreds were saved from injury in Shangai, when Superman just happened to be in the subway to prevent some trains from crashing. For reaction from the Great Ten, who were doing nothing at the time, see related article by C. Kent.

Weather elemental Typhoon attacked Manila, but was dissipated by the Red Tornado. No one died, clean up was accomplished in several hours by an army of unidentified sponge-wielding porpoises and octopuses, and several neighborhoods were made over into Venetian-style water parks with high tourist appeal.

A 14 year old girl becomes an unwilling internet pin-up. Investigation narrows to IP addresses in Coast City.

Congress avoids take over by Checkmate
during argument over funding the Bureau for Meta-Human Affairs. "Must we go through these near take-overs every few months," Senator Graft asked, "This should not become business as usual."

China launched its first spacelab, while the Great Ten stood by doing nothing. Great Ten leader August General in Iron commented, "We wish our comrades Shining Space Lady and Companion Who Dies Horribly the best of luck in their mission."

LinkGovernor Christie vetoes tax credits for Red Hood & The Outsiders. "This is not the kind of image of dollars should be supporting," Christie opined.

After a failed override by an international cabal of scientifically advanced evil-doers, a NASA satellite fell into the Pacific Ocean, unearthing yet another dangerous undersea mystical artifact from a previously unknown civilization, causing a tidal wave that shipwrecked a callous billionaire on deserted island, and activating the meta-gene of a nearby Palau fisherman, who is now named "Diall-Chad" and was last seen wearing a dayglo spandex version of his regular native costume, shouting "MERKONG!" at local large-scale trawling ships before destroying them. The JLA reports delegating all these issues to Aquaman.Link


SallyP said... I WISH that we all lived in this universe. I was particularly enchanted by the sponge-wielding porpoises and octopi.

George S. said...

NOBODY died in Typhoon's attack here in the Philippines? I know its comics, but I can only suspend my disbelief for long!

Scipio said...

I know; sadly, in real life it was, what, six people...?