Golden Age Aquaman is a nightmare

Given my fondness for Golden Age comics and for all things Aquaman, it might seem odd how little I have covered the stories of the Golden Age Aquaman.  Today, you'll see why.  It's because most of them are in the same vein as

from Adventure Comics #130, July 1948.

In which Golden Aquaman goes insane for some starlet. Specifically:

Esther.
Grable.
Just shoot me NOW.

It begins with Aquaman going to the movies.

"Went overboard"?
Typical Jameson-style pap from the Bugle; more interested in the pun than in the point.

This start highlights one of the annoying features of Golden Age Aquaman; he was pretty much raised in the ocean and lived there exclusively.  This rendered him an innocent on dry land and too many of his stories have a 'fish out of water' hook.  "I'll find out how the movie stars swim!"  Yeah, that sounds like useful research, Art.

Perfect example: Aquaman being a goober who gets yelled at for blocking the film.
Try this on modern Aquaman and he'll use his mind-powers to make you punch yourself in the face.  Repeatedly.

Naturally, Art falls for "Esther Grable" in a wildly disproportionate way.

Get some help, Art.

So, the obvious thing to do is to contact her agent or publicist and to arrange a meet-up, since they are both well-known celebrities.  Therefore, Aquaman does nearly the opposite: he boards a train for Hollywood.

I choose to interpret that white halo as Aquaman using his mental powers to make everyone around him treat this as perfectly normal.

Aqua-stalker's mania even bubbles to the surface of his sleeping:

How comforting to know in the Golden Age, if you made strange noises in your sleeping berth, kindly attendants would pop their heads in to watch you sleep.

Note that the continued halo indicates that, even in sleep, Aquaman's mental powers are so strong that they continue to force others to act as if this were all perfectly normal.

The next scene is Art descending upon Esther Grable at a strange, lonely spot.

Pretty sure you're the only thing making it "strange", Art.
Also: is it NOT a Strange, Lonely Spot for ... a boy?

Suddenly, Esther is attacked by a gorilla in pegged chinos.

I agree, Caption; that is definitely unbelievable.

Aquaman waves off the promise of a reward. Mostly.

"I don't want any reward --
I just want you to be my wife."
Smooth, Art.

I'm kind of curious what would constitute a "special autograph", but we'll never know since we move right to Our Hero demanding to Prove His Love through a series of Ridiculous Tasks.  

For a Golden Age Aquaman story, this reads a lot like a Silver Age Superman story.

Fortunately for Art, Esther Grable is every bit the equal in terribleness of Silver Age love interests and has no trouble conjuring up absurd feats by which Aquaman can prove himself worthy by expending incredible effort to satisfy her smallest whims.

And I do mean "incredible".

Aquaman dissing the utility of icebergs amuses me.  "If only all this stupid ice would MELT, raising sea-level and expanding my kingdom enormously!"

In Aquaman's dream, St. Louis is renamed "Otisburg".

Next up: pearls.  I mean, surely you saw THAT coming.

Eventually, Esther wound up the lesbian love-slave of a gang of Japanese Ama divers.  I learned that from Biography on A&E.

Of course, this is little challenge for Aquaman (who took a panel out to explain that removing the pearls is a favor to the oysters, since pearls are like kidney stones to them).

Esther then demonstrates powers of free association as mighty as those of Adam West's Batman while deciphering a supercriminal's clue.

Jump. Over a rainbow.  Okay, Esther, whatever.

But nothing is impossible for the man who can command sealife!

AQUA-FACTS

Writers of old comics LIVED for these moments.  Before the internet came along to ruin everything, COMICS were the source of most interesting knowledge for youngsters.  I remember a psychologist trying to test the limits of my vocabulary at age 12 (perhaps that was considered a proxy for intelligence at the time?). The last two words he threw at me, in near desperation, were "homunculus" and "ambergris", both of which I knew. When he shook his head and said, "how on earth do you know those?", my answer was obvious.

"You haven't read a lot of Vigilante stories, have you, doctor?"

"Or watched a lot of Batman?"

This last Aqua-stunt sells Esther who agrees to marry Art; but there's a glitch!  

<comedic brass instrument sound effect>

Art is so sheltered he has no concept of stunt doubles.

And he faints. As heroes do.

But, wait! What's THIS? A wavy border to the right-side of the panel? What could this mean!?

IT WAS ALL A DREAM!

A nightmare. Well, that does explain the oddity of the events and why a gorilla would wear chinos rather than capri pants at the beach.

Then it's all wrapped with a denouement of Art being a deluded **** to real-life Esther Grable for not living up to his parasocial concept of who she is.

Golden Age Aquaman is a real drip.

And, this, in short, is why I don't read more Golden Age Aquaman stories for you.

The Thirteen

Let's talk about this, shall we?

It's a scene from the end of Beyond Flashpoint (#6) which naturally you are not reading.  You're not reading it because anything titled "Beyond" is the theoretical and non-canonical future version of Something and anything Flashpoint is not only an Elseworlds but an Elseworlds that's been dunzo for over ten years. The only thing less relevant would be, I guess, Bizarro Dark Anti-Matter Beyond Flashpoint, but I probably shouldn't give DC any ideas.

However, Geoff Johns wrote it and it's part of his fan-wan--er, I mean, love-letter to Alan Moore's Watchmen, which admittedly was pretty cool when I read it over 35 years ago, but, oh my god, can we please all move on now? I feel like I'm in a Gravitas Ventures movie where I've escaped the heavily-inked horrors of the Jack Kirby Kultists who ruined my childhood only to fall into the clutches of Alan Moore Maniacs who've trapped me as an adult in a nine-square grid.

You know, Moore actually uses a nine-panel grid in a cinematic way to equalize time,
not in a graphological way to separate units of meaning as comic books do.

Real comics used a wide variety of lay-outs and frequent panel extrusions.
What most people don't realize is that Moore's Watchmen work doesn't look like comics at all;
it reads like watching a movie.

Anyway, since the Riddler secretly took over DC (about the time it published 52), all important line-wide change is presented as a grand puzzle with pieces of information strewn about in as many publications as possible. The assumption (or hope) behind this tactic is that we'll all read everything, but the real result is that no one understands anything, like the Parable of The Blind Men and The Elephant.  

It's like one of those world-destroying macguffin devices that can be destroyed for some reason, and instead get broken up into many pieces and buried as widely apart as possible so that no one can ever reassemble them again.

Well, this panel, buried in the back of this publication no one in their right mind is reading, is one of those pieces, listing thirteen characters who are being baldly retconned into Golden Age comics history.

What unprecedented nerve.

Retconning the Golden Age is... not something that should be done lightly.

Although, as we discussed during Black History Month sixteen years ago, there are certainly aspects of the Golden Age that merit revision.

Let's explore about who these retro-insertions might be.

Betsy Ross

This one is easy.

It's her.

That's from the cover of the forthcoming Stargirl and the Lost Children, the story where Stargirl (because of course it's Stargirl) finds of a bunch of lost sidekicks in a pocket dimension (or some such).  And that person is obviously "Betsy Ross".  It's not clear to me what hero she'd be associated with; my best guess would be a Golden Age version of Wonder Woman (which we'll surely be getting somehow).

Molly Pitcher

Another easy one:

It's the girl holding the pitcher.

She's holding onto that thing like it's the source of her powers not just her name.  So my guess is going to be she's a sidekick for Liberty Belle, because that would be perfectly ridiculous. Now, her costume, is clearly meant to coordinate with Betsy Ross's and they have similar patriotic names.  Does that imply they are sidekicks of the same hero or not? Or is it parallelism across dynasties? To further complicate matters: the costume design and color scheme is strongly reminiscent of Merry, Girl of a Thousand Gimmicks, who's from a different dynasty entirely (she's the sister of the Star-Spangled Kid, which makes her a Starman character).  Very curious.

Ladybug

I'm guessing that's her.

Based on the name, the ONLY thing that makes sense is a sidekick to the Golden Age Blue Beetle.

Salem the Witch Girl

I get no points for guessing this one.

Must be related to Joe Meach

I think it's really weird to retrofit an analog of Jack Kirby's vague and goofy Klarion the Witchboy into the Golden Age, especially as a sidekick for the very Egyptian Dr. Fate.  But DC is a patchwork quilt.

Cherry Bomb

Points for the dead-on name:

And the logo. Which doesn't evoke breasts at all.

I wouldn't expect the Human Bomb to have a sidekick (but then again, I wouldn't expect Tim Sale to do her make-up, either).  I assume that the Human Bomb and Cherry Bomb (my gosh, that's adorable) become stand-ins for the actual Golden Age duo of TNT and Dan The Dyna-Mite (who were even more absurd).

John Henry, Jr.

Another easy pick:

It's hammer time.

I don't want him to be Amazing-Man's sidekick, but you just know he is.

The Golden Age Red Lantern

No visuals available that I know of. I wonder whether his costume will be as garish as Alan/s?  It makes perfect sense that Geoff Johns would strive to extend his Spectrum Lantern concept backwards in time to the Golden Age.  I may not like, but he'll probably pull it off.  I assuming the Golden Age Red Lantern will be to Alan as Rival is to Jay.

Judy Garrick

This required a screen cap:

From a DC promo video, which shows that Geoff Johns has not only re-acquired power, he has also re-acquired HAIR.

That's clearly Judy Garrick, who will (also clearly) be a Golden age Kid Flash.

The Harlequin's Son

No visuals that I know of. The Harlequin was a Golden Age Green Lantern foe who was secretly his secretary. Hijinx ensued.  

She's was really just trying to get his interest, which for some reason she couldn't do as a civilian.

While Alan had children (with another villain), Harlequin did not. But now she will have. This will be interesting. Will he be a villain? Who was his father? Will he wear fabulous cat-eye glasses and that skirt?!  Here's hoping!

The Golden Age Aquaman

This.

It will be all be worth it for this.

Like all things Geoff Johns, I would never have expected this in a thousand years and therefore it is exactly what I should have expected.  The potential impact of this is as earthshaking as Poseidon himself. I feel like retiring to a desert island for a year simply to contemplate the possibilities, knowing that I still would not have thought of whatever Johns will actually do, which, once he's done it, will be obvious in retrospect.

If a Golden Age Aquaman is inserted back into history, will he still be around now? It would be nice for there to be an elder Aquaman to act an Elder Statesman for the Aquaman Dynasty. One who always lives on land, stays at the lighthouse, teaches marine biology, works with the Sea Devils, that sort of thing. Maybe Golden Aquaman will actually be current Aquaman's FATHER.  

Quiz Kid

Curious.  "Kid" certainly implies sidekick.  There are leftover sidekicks I haven't mentioned. 

Secret 

who will be Spectre's sidekick, JUST as I used to play her in Heroclix

Airwave

Please make him Hal's new sidekick. Puh-LEASE.

Hourman's Sidekick

Um... Rent Boy?

Jack Kirby's odious Newsboy Legion, which I refuse to discuss.

Everything Kirby made was stupid

And a Mr. Terrific Sidekick

"Play Fair" is witty

"Quiz Kid" isn't a sensible or even possible name for any of them, with the possible exception of Master Terrific, there.  But the Terrific "power" is having lots of talents, not all the answers.  "Quiz Kid" sounds like an updated name for Genius Jones. Could this kid be Genius Jones?

The Golden Age Legionnaire

It's hard to imagine that anyone (let alone Geoff Johns) would create a character called "Legionnaire" without expecting people to think of the Legion of Super-Heroes (LSH). But the LSH (which is currently not being published) traditionally connects only to SupermanIt makes no sense that this character (whatever it is) could connect to the LSH in the 31st (30th?) Century.  That doesn't mean, however, the Geoff Johns won't make it make sense.  

Will Boxing Boy, a.k.a. the Golden Age Karate Kid, be able to save the League of Nations from Corporal Punishment?

The question is: it is a Golden Age character named Legionnaire or a Legionnaire in the Golden Age? Neither makes any sense.  If it's a Golden Age character name Legionnaire described as "The Golden Age Legionnaire" rather than just "The Legionnaire" that implies that there's a non-Golden Age character named Legionnaire, which there isn't, and I can't imagine there will be.  If it's a Legionnaire (from the LSH) in the Golden Age, well, there's only one Legionnaire who's actually from the Golden Age and not the 30th (31st?) Century.

He looks kind of like those kids in the Russian high-school wrestler weigh-in videos.

Yeah, I know you think Superboy is from the Silver Age; you're just wrong. Superboy was the Sensational Character Find of 1945.  The Legion of Superheroes were creations of the Silver Age having been introduced in 1958, so every time they visited Superboy, it was the Silver Age, which why you think Superboy is only a Silver Age character.

The Golden Age Mr. Miracle

No clue. Also, no care. Extending Jack Kirby's influence isn't the future of the DCU. Nor its past.

Those Yellow Gloves are for Cleaning Up Blood

 You know who'll cap your *** without batting an eyelash?

O.G. Aquaman, that's who.  Golden Age Aquaman would just as soon kill you as look at you.