Thursday, May 18, 2017

Fingers and Feet

It's five o'clock! As stupidly planned, the Green Arrow takes his place among the men responsible for the 'namesake murders' of members of the History Club...

Estimated time it took for Ollie's disguise to fail: four seconds.

This villain would make a GREAT game-show host!  "Our next contestant on Wheel of Misfortune is Frank D'Arcy of Manhattan. But first, a word from our traitor, Green Arrow!"

But... Green Arrow's a master detective and master of disguise! How is this possible?!

Ollie gets fingered!

Add "decadactylism" to the list of 1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow.

I'm not sure which to make fun of: the fact that Muggsy pretty clearly had ten fingers in the previous illustration of him we saw yesterday or that Green Arrow is stupid enough not to notice that the man he's meticulously disguising himself as had only nine fingers.  

Fun fact: humans will notice the number of fingers you have BEFORE noticing that you are wearing greasepaint over a black domino mask.

Also, I'm going to ignore the fact that Ollie wore greasepaint OVER A DOMINO MASK. Because, really, what else would you expect Green Arrow to do?  I will, however, wonder at the fact that Our Villain doesn't just shoot Ollie in the leg. Why, oh, why doesn't anyone ever just shoot someone in the leg? It's very effective and seldom fatal.

Speaking of Our Villain, with his business suit, pointless drape-cape, mask, and oversized hat... of whom does he remind me? Oh, yes! I know:that villain of villains, THE HOODED CLAW!

"Ollie Queen,  heir to a vast fortune, is in perpetual peril from his fortune-seeking guardian, Sylvester Sneakly, who unknown to him is really the Hooded Claw."

It's pity it's NOT the Hooded Claw; he would be a huge improvement over most of Green Arrow's villains.  Ollie really deserves a villain who can laugh at him rather than expend energy trying to take him seriously.  And almost nobody laughs at you better than the Hooded Claw.

Fortunately, Team Arrow pretty much planned on Ollie screwing this up, and Junior Arrow is just outside and ready to save the day (and Ollie) again.


Truly, Ollie taught Roy everything he knows: screwing up and getting caught.  Then, in true Hooded Claw fashion, Our Villain sets up a pointless death trap (rather than just shooting our heroes) which Ollie uses as excuse to make a snotty cutting remark (EXACTLY as Penepole Pitstop would).

It's astonishing how funny/accurate this is if you read it with the voices of Paul Lynde and Janet Waldo.

Amazingly, Green Arrow manages to extricate them from the chintzy deathtrap by relying on one of his most impressive inabilities: his inability to tie his shoes!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ollie Queen's foot.

I suspect that Oliver has a much looser definition of 'fresh air' than you or I do.  Try to not think about what Oliver "I Became a Hero By Getting Shipwrecked" Queen's feet smell like; I just assume he's the Philoctetes of the Superhero Set.
Also try not to notice that that's Ollie's right foot, but Ollie's left shoe.  This is what happens when billionaires don't hire butlers to make sure they put their shoes on the correct feet.

Since the Hooded Claw (yeah, I'm just going to call him that) helpfully told Green Arrow who the next victim was going to be (even though he knew there was a traitor in their midst), Ollie has the info he needs to race to the potential victim's home in his giant Pikachumobile.

Ollie HATES guys who bogie at parties.

Till next time, estimate how many miles per gallon the Arrow car, which is the size of a Manhattan hostel, gets.  Probably the reason that billionaire Ollie can't afford a butler.

Next: We find out whether they are too late.


Anonymous said...

I laughed myself silly at the shoe observation.

But this is technically the Earth-Two Green Arrow; the Earth-One Green Arrow is ... uh ... smarter?

Scipio said...

Pretty sure that Green Arrow's imperfection is a multiversal constant.

Bryan L said...

You gotta give the Arrow props for his parting shot, though. "We prefer the gas to your company." BAM, Hooded Claw! Sick burn.

Anonymous said...

If this was a Batman story, I'd believe he wears specially-weighted shoes that don't get in the way of acrobatics but can somehow break a window. Or that his shoes had special sonic gadgets that could break glass. Or that Batman observed the glass and deduced a weak spot that would break if he kicked his shoe at it.

But it's not a Batman story.

- Mike Loughlin

Scipio said...


Anonymous said...

Unless he was Bronze Age Batman.

SallyP said...

Oh Ollie. Even Hal isn't this dumb.

Marcos said...

The Hard-Headed Heroes? More literal in Hal's case, of course...