Sunday, November 20, 2011

Green Lantern Filmation 2: SIRENA!

When last we left Green Lantern, he was in a Filmation cartoon, in which a young space pilot and Hal Jordan's "Venusian helper", Kairo, have been sucked down to the Planetoid Sargasso by a bacon-flavored tractor beam.

Hal states (out loud, to no one) that he hasn't got time to charge his power ring. Then, naturally, he goes right outside and changes to Green Lantern in broad daylight at his workplace. Because, as mentioned last time, Hal's an idiot.

"No t*time to re-sharge my-ee bower rig; godda ged t'them FASHT!"

Stupid, stupid, Hal.

Hal's in a big rush so he immediately flies off to save them....

Obviously Hal decided to spend a couple hours at the airfield bar, fortifying his willpower, while he waited to leave Earth under cover of darkness. That explains why, as mentioned last time, Green Lantern sounds hilariously drunk every time he speaks.

Hal lands on Sargasso where he immediately runs into Kairo. It's a small planetoid.

The best way to keep from injuring yourself before strenuous heroics is thorough stretching.

"What th'--? I though' I wash head'd t' Orion? What the hell'r' you doin here, Kh*kairo? Where rrr the guhreen aylee-en babes? My head hurtsh..."

Only $39.99, Hal is composed of a realistic-feeling silicone compound
for your deep and lasting enjoyment.

Kairo explains to GL that the bacon-flavor tractor beam is being generated by a giant electromagnetic sombrero....

Yeah, it kinda hurts my head, too, Kairo.

which GL melts with "a bath in green heat". When you drink enough, you to start to talk like that all the time.

For fun, print this pic out on a box-framed canvas and give it to a relative for Christmas. Make sure you have your camera ready when they open it.

This now badly damaged sombrero is in fact "an electronomagnawave apparatus" owned by the ruler of Planetoid Sargasso, who is...
Society can never repay the debt it owes George Kashdan.

Only $39.99, Sirena is composed of a realistic-feeling silicone compound
for your deep and lasting enjoyment.

Here seen giving the captured space pilot his annual review, Sirena, like most Filmation villians, has a large all-male posse of identical freakish minions with no possible genetic connection to her or anything else that Evolution could devise, even if Evolution spent the entire afternoon with Hal Jordan at the airfield bar.

They. Have. No. Hands.
How did they put on those cobalt unis with matching legwarmers?
And a cinch belt, no less?

We discover that luring Green Lantern to Planetoid Sargasso is not a problem for Sirena; in fact, it's what she's been trying to do. Because once she's captured Hal Jordan, the Guardians will be helpless without his protection and she will be able to attack Oa and have all its sweet avant-garde architecture for herself. Yep; the Guardians would be totally helpless without good ole' Hal Jordan to protect them.

Anyway, when her electronomagnawave apparatus is destroyed, she knows that she has succeeded because "only Green Lantern could destroy my electronomagnawave apparatus". Yep, only Green Lantern with his power ring could do that. Or any one of over a hundred space-capable superheroes, including Ultraa, Beppo the Supermonkey, or Space Cabbie.

Overwhelmed by happiness at the idea that Hal Jordan, rather than Space Cabbie, has come to kick her ass, she breaks out into a celebratory vogue:

Well! I know what I'm wearing next Halloween!
Just have to find yellow bat-creature costumes in Chris and Josh's size.

NEXT UP: Sirena attacks Hal; three guesses who wins.


Anonymous said...

Not spoilers: if Sirena and her yellow bat minions are looking familiar, it's because you've seen them on very early installments of "The Ambiguously Gay Duo". What's the connection? I'm sure we'll get to that eventually.

Sharp-eyed viewers will notice that Hal didn't bother to charge his ring, and the bat minions are yellow. You are familiar with Chekhov's gun and you will infer they wouldn't insert details like that without them proving to be important later. Then again, this is a story where giant sombreros generate space-bacon, so the normal rules of storytelling are already out the window.

ronald said...

Actually, they're kind of orange-ish, so I'd think it would be sort of a gray area (so to speak).

Also, they may have arms underneath the wings.

green blogger said...

Have this shows on DVD. Really classic animations. I also had the other episodes featuring Flash, Hawkman, Atom, etc but have not yet bothered to watch them. I have just viewed the Green Lantern and the Justice League episodes.

Bryan L said...

"Green heat" made me laugh out loud. I don't know why.

Scipio said...

"Green Heat" sounds like a Hal Jordan-scented aftershave.

Anonymous said...

What DOES Hal smell like, anyway?

Scipio said...

Bacon, mostly.

ronald said...

I think a better question is, what do power ring rays smell like?

SallyP said...

Yes, Hal smells like bacon. DELICIOUS bacon! Women love bacon...and Hal.

Although I can't help but feel that Space Cabbie would be a better person to show up than Hal. He could take Sirena shopping for one thing.

Nico Martinez said...

Oh geeze. I remember watching these.

Scipio said...

Me, too! Despite their nearly absurd lack of polish, they are oddly powerful viewing that really sticks with you.