100 Faces of Jean Loring

1.  "I'm not really Jean Loring, I just play one on teevee" face

2.  "We'll just blooming SEE" face

3.  Explanation-Demanding face

4.  Full-Blown Paranoiac Fit Face

5.  Sweetly Nostalgic Face

6.  "I killed Mary Tyler Moore and now wear her skin" face

7.  "Marlo Thomas was next" face

8.  "YOU'RE ALL OUT TO GET ME!" face

9.  "I don't know what I'll do if you're not in my life, but I sure as hell intend to find out soon" face

10.  "I dig Ivy University" face

11.  "Oh, and you don't know how to handle the CAR right, either" face

12.  "Should I stab him with the pencil now or wait til later when he's asleep?" face

13.  "HAHAHAHA you don't really think this will HOLD me, do you?" face

14.  "I will hug you and pet you and call you George" face

15.  "I swear to god if you put the wrong kind of sweetener in that coffee I will slap you into next Wednesday" face

16.  "Tee hee, another fan letter from the Joker" face

17.  "Oh, you're too late I've already swallowed Ray!" face

18.  PTUU! face

19.  "I'm from a civilized country, you scum" face

20.  "If I skinned the Riddler for this dress, imagine what I'll do to you" face

21.  "I'm in command of this starship now, ANY OBJECTIONS?!" face

22.  "I--I broke my flamethrower" face

23.  Succubus Face

24.  "Thanks to my hand mirror I have just enough advance warning to cut Ray off with some vicious remark RIGHT before he proposes to me" face

25.  "I Can Shove a Roller through Your Eye and into Your Brain Before You can Blink" face

26.  Growing Paranoia Face

27.  "There's a sale on flamethrowers?!?!" face

28.  "With this evidence I can send them ALL to the chair!" face

29.  Queen Jean is pissed! face

30.  "And for god's sake, Ray, put your clothes back on" face

31. I'm Having That Awesome Dream Where I'm a Romulan Spy Again face

32.  "Jean Loring is tired of tiny phones and the tiny men who come out of them" face

33.  EEEEEEEE Face

34.  "You are so ****ing native" face

35.  "Who has just sacrificed his life by waking Jean Loring?" face

36.  "And I also broke his tiny little body which is here in my hand" face

37.  "Ray, today is a good day TO DIE!" face

38.  "What? What're YOU gonna do?" face

39.  Acting Oddly face

40.  The Heh heh No One Will Ever Suspect Me face

41.  "SALUTE MY BOOTS!" face

42.  "Huh, I look almost normal today" face

43.  "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LYING TO ME?!" face

44.  "FLICK YOU!" face

45.  The Face I'll use to seduce the Spectre and make him destroy all magic in the universe and step on Atlantis so hard that GOD HIMSELF will directly intervene and put me into a personal orbiting prison around the sun because ONLY GOD HIMSELF dares tangle with Jean Loring

46.  "I'm about to *PTUU* on you, little man, and after you have lapped that up, you will thank me and ask for more" face

47.  "You have a full line of flamethrowers in stock...AND you're open all night?!" face

48.  "You're a dead man, Gordon, do you hear me? A DEAD MAN!" face

49.  "I look less scary as a Black Lantern than I did when I was alive" face

50.  "Do you have ANY idea what will happen to you if you say no, Pedro?" face

51.  "If you think Queen Jean fears bondage you are in for rude awakening" face

52.  "THIS, people, is bondage, and I did this TO MYSELF" face

53.  "The best part about being a lawyer is seeing people's faces when I tell them they are disinherited" face

54.  "Do you mind, I'm on the phone laughing with my mother about your sorry performance in the sack" face

55.  "Goddammit, Ray, check your appointment calendar, it's pirate dominatrix cosplay night" face 

56.  "EVERYONE is in trouble when I call you 'Raymond', Raymond" face

57.  "Will shrinking help you when I throw you to that attacking shark?" face

58.  "Why, oh, why does the white man litter by throwing garbage from his automobiles in this, my homeland?"

59.  "Speaking of 'nukers' I'm pretty sure I could fit your pretty little head into a microwave oven" face

60.  Atomic Ice-Cream Headache Face

  

61.  "Queen Jean is frightened" face

62.  "I hope you like microphone, buddy, because you're about to eat that one" face

63.  Weeping Specter of Adulthood Responsibilities face

64.  "Now serving VICTIM #1158!" face

65.  "I'd rip the skin off your face!" face

66.  "And you should probably take my wish VERY seriously if you don't want to lose that hand" face

67.  "THE STREETS OF CURACAO WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF NUCLEAR PHYSICISTS!" face

68.  "You wouldn't think it's funny if you could see my face" face

69.  "It's called decolletage, you scum" face

70.  "Struggling desperately to stifle a scream" face

71.  "By the time I'm done with you, you'll beg for death at the hands of Dr. Spectro" Face

72.  "Oh, god, it's Ray" face

73.  "Sometimes I like to make-believe I'm Pamela Isley" face

74.  Transquartomuralistic Relentless Terminator Face

75.  "If you put your tongue in me I swear to god I'll bite it off and spit it back in your face" face

76.  "IT TICKLES!" face

77.  "At last I meet you, my rival, face to face, that is, until I rip YOUR face off with my teeth" face

78.  " 'Queen Jean' if you please!" face

79.  "Did I remember to put that severed head back in the refrigerator?" face

80.  "I am SO glad I had Ray's severed head laminated" face

81.  "My name is Jean Loring and you can start screaming it right NOW" face

82.  "And by 'it' I mean YOUR LIFE" face

83.  "Bunnies are sweet and innocent and harmless and everyone will love me if I'm a bunny" face

84.  The Face of Using Your Insecurities as My Warm Blanket While I Sleep Uncaringly Through Your Emotional Trauma

85.  "Sad when I think about what I'm going to do to you for not trusting me" face

86.  "I hate comic books and everyone who reads them" face

87.  "I love you like I love chocolate Easter bunnies" face

88.  "Your science-fiction gimmicks do not impress me, little man" face

89.  The "Goddammit I forgot my necklace of human ears at home again and now I have to make another" face

90.  "I'm just so much HAPPIER now that I'm Eclipso" face

91.  "One more word about that and I'll bite your face off" face

92.  "Dammit, his pulse is still too strong" face

93.  "But if this little bird, or you, are lying to me I will roast and eat one or both of you" face

94.  Nursing a Stiff Drink Face

95.  "Well, 'THEY" had better hope I never find out who they are" face

96.  The Last Face that Poor Man Ever Saw

97.  "Stop pointing that phony fountain pen at me, you lunatic!" face

98.  "Waiter, the ice has diluted my drink, please bring me more human blood" face

99.  "If my flamethrower kills you, judge, and I freshly after the fact tender you the flamethrower, you will be without recourse against me" face

100.  "How can anyone for even a minute have ever questioned my total insanity?" face

1001 Ways to Defeat Green Arrow: Man-Bears

LIBRARY OF AWESOME!

If you live anywhere near the DC metropolitan area, go to the Library of Congress tomorrow, where, in the Jefferson Building, they have an exhibit of some of their comic book collection.

Including a few you might recognize:

The Capitol actually glows just like that. It glows with freedom.

"Back off, boys, I am WAY more popular than all of you combined, and still will be 70 years from now."

"Don't worry, after my sassy entrance, I'll break down in tears remembering that my entire world has been destroyed!"

Angry-Black Lantern's origin!

It took Batman hours with a whip to train him to do that.

"Well, see, that's yer problem right there; a leak in your crystal ball's radiator."

I still hate you.

Oh, yeah; I went there.

If they let them touch they would break through the fourth wall into the multiverse and a host of characters would pour in until the Jefferson Building looked like the JLA satellite during the Crisis.

Despite having lived in DC for 30 years, despite working on the Mall, despite having been to the Madison Building where these are stored about 10,000 times, I have never seen these comics. Until today.

I tried not to be That Guy went I showed up, wading through the streams of school groups in identical tee shirts.  But...it just kept happening.

"Here's a sheet that explains what the comics on the display are, sir, if you'd like." 

" !!!! Thank you, but that won't be necessary. I know what they are."

And, yes, I said "!!!!" out loud.

"Oh, I'm a history teacher and I use comic books in my classroom; did you know the Captain America was fighting World War II before we were?" 

"Uh-huh. And other characters were fighting thinly-veiled substitutes for the Axis even earlier, such as Superman versus Rakhal the dictator of Oxnalia or MLJ comic's The Shield versus the Moscovians.  You should read The Shield."

Well, he SHOULD. Everyone should.

"And with that modern cover of Princess Leia compared to this early space comic book you can certainly see how the role of women in such literature has changed!" 

"The princess is posing.  THIS women is firing a laser cannon at the threat. AND her clothes are less revealing than her male sidekick's.  There are certainly examples of sexism in Golden Age science fiction comics, but this isn't one of them."

Yeah.  I was TOTALLY that guy.

But it was okay. When some of the librarians realized what an obnoxious know-it...
I mean, a useful resource I could be, we exchanged info so they could consult with me about online sources for current comic book analysis and criticism.  I think they were also impressed by the fact that I was the ONLY person who said, "NO, I don't want to TOUCH the comics, are you MAD?!"

I don't think you should touch them, either. But I do encourage you to go to the exhibit, whose last day is tomorrow.

Adam West, in memoriam

As the entire world mourns and remembers Adam West fondly, what more is there to say about the man? I was a very very little boy when the Batman live action show aired, it entranced me, and sparked my lifelong interest in DC comics. So if you have ever enjoyed ANYTHING on this blog, your thanks are owed entirely to Adam West.

Thousands of pages are being written about how his portrayal brought the character back from the precipice of obscurity and put 'camp' into the ordinary person's vocabulary.  I don't feel a need to add to those.

But a lot of discussion focuses on how different and unique(ly amusing) West's portrayal of Batman was.  I want to focus on something he brought to the character that is NOT unique, but he brought it with such strength that it has informed every single portrayal of Batman since.  Simply put:

(Adam West's) Batman did not care what you thought about him. At all.

Adam West didn't 'play' camp. He didn't wink at the audience or his fellow actors. He didn't wink at anything. Or blink, even.  You want cute winks? Be a Superman fan.

Adam West took Batman with deadly earnest.  Which is exactly how Batman takes Batman.  A billionaire dressing like a bat to beat up muggers at night and throw boomerangs at deranged criminals is a RIDICULOUS concept. Intrinsically.  The only thing that saves it from feeling ridiculous is the sincerity with which Batman does it. And nobody, I mean NOBODY, radiated sincerity more than Adam West.

It didn't matter what they made him do as Bruce Wayne; he was committed to its veracity 1000% percent.  Dancing the Batusi was exactly as sincerely in character for West's Batman as recounting his parents' murder....BOTH of which happened in the first episode, in case you didn't know.

West's Batman (and most subsequent Batmen) don't care whether you think dressing like a bat is ridiculous. He doesn't care whether you cynically deride Virtue, the Constitution, Mercy, Caution, Civic Duty, Driving Safety, Dancing, Nature Studies, or Foreign Language study.  HE understands and believes completely in these things and their value, and if you do not, he merely pities you (in a non-judgmental way, of course).  He takes those things seriously.

Michael Keaton's and Diedrich Bader's interpretations of Batman were dead-on and well received. Why? Because those comedians understood the importance of Batman remaining serious...whether you want him to invoke fear OR laughter.    Even LEGO Batman, the most overtly humorous screen interpretation of the character, has one central characteristic that is source of nearly all its humor: he takes himself very seriously, no matter how ridiculous his behavior or situation might be.

I have always felt that this is the essential conceptual conflict between Batman and the Joker; that Batman takes everything seriously and the Joker takes nothing seriously, without regard to the situations.  That's why, objectively, Batman is hilarious and the Joker is terrifying.  But that is perhaps another story for another time.

For now, I thank the late Mr. West for bringing sincerity to his role as Batman... and to everyone else's Batman, too.

A rising Star City!

Speaking of Green Arrow...

One of the most interesting things I have even seen in comics is happening (as predicted) right now in his comic: a real world city is being overwritten by a fictionopolis.

Built around a star. 
A teeny tiny star.

How did this happen?

When Green Arrow was brought back in Rebirth, he was left in the hands of his late-New52 writer Benjamin Percy.  With 12 issues of Green Arrow under his belt, Percy was already an accomplished expert in botching Green Arrow. And "botching Green Arrow" is not a phrase I use lightly.  

And bite it did.

So, naturally, being That Type of Writer (you know, the kind who grounds Green Arrow in gritty realism by making him a werewolf), Percy set the Rebirth versions of Green Arrow in the real-world Seattle.

Which is, admittedly, not as bad for Green Arrow as the Real World San Francisco turned out to be.

This ran strongly counter to much of the point of Rebirth, which was to the recalibrate the DCU and its icons back to their basic core features from which they had wandered far too quickly in the aborted New52 universe.

Oh, gods help me, I'm calling Green Arrow an "icon" now someone please me get back to my native universe...

Clearly in Green Arrow's case one of the essential features should have been the restoration of his personal fictionopolis, Star City.  Not only was it his base of operations for the bulk of his adventures from 1959 through 2011, it's also the setting of his long-running hit televisions series that's the bedrock of a major network's primetime programming.

Who has trapped me in this madhouse world? Lord Morpheus? Mxyzptlk? Cary Bates?!

As any reader of this blog knows, I am big fan of fictionopolises.  I believe that they are not only desirable but necessary settings to a thriving superhero icon in the DCU.  In its very early days, most DC heroes were in unnamed cities or, in a few instances, Manhattan.  Green Arrow himself lives in Manhattan in his first story.

Pictured: the Manhattan city limits.

The advantage of using real-world cities as superhero settings is supposed to be that it lends the stories a grounding in reality (in the same way that the stories are set in "the USA" and 'on Earth').  

See how much more realistic that seems?

And in the short run, perhaps it does. But over time as the character and his mythos grows, a hero's first sport-coat becomes a confining straight-jacket: significant landmarks cannot be added or removed, people and events in the city don't match, and there's too much tension between the fantasy of the hero's life and the reality of the real-world city.

Welcome to Earth-616.

You can't tailor a real-world city around its hero the way you can a fictionopolis.  Metropolis and Gotham City aren't the cities that Batman and Superman happen to live in; they are cities DESIGNED for them to live in. So, if you want Green Arrow to thrive -- I mean, in a comic book, as opposed to all other media -- he deserves to have his own fictionopolis.  

But Rebirth stuck him in Seattle with no Star City in sight; what's to do?  Well, I'm sure that Geoff Johns at some point called Percy into his office, tented his fingers (covered with the Green Lantern rings of all previous DC editors) and told Percy, in a loving and supportive way that would have made Mort Weisinger proud, that Green Arrow needed to be (1) not set in Seattle and (2) set in Star City. Now.

"I need loyalty. I expect loyalty."

Percy, master of the subtle approach (which is, no doubt, why he was given Green Arrow), has chosen, therefore, rather than to move Green Arrow to a newly introduced Star City or retcon him there, to DESTROY SEATTLE and OVERWRITE IT with 'Star City" taking its place on what I like to call 'RebEarth'.

At first I thought this was lunacy (at which Percy seems to excel).  And to some degree it is.  But I see now that it is beautiful, brilliant lunacy, for a reason I'll get to at the end of this post.

Now, Seattle is not, as the plot now dictates, built over any star-based pattern.  Not like SOME artificially designed cities I could name.

This may explain that black goat I keep seeing on the North Lawn.
Or it might be Spicer.

But Percy is not letting reality stop him!  He's wisely destroyed Seattle's only landmark recognizable to anyone who doesn't live there (the cheesily named Space Needle)...

Seattle broadcasting assigns reporters based on how well they color-coordinate with what they are covering.

... is putting the city's rebirth in the hands of private corporations (setting up for traditional storylines like "Green Arrow calls people corporate fat cats" and "Ollie runs for mayor")...

Seriously: "Let's privatize everything instead of trusting the federal government!"
is delightfully current and cogent political satire, and Green Arrow is a good place for that.

... and is ham-handedly shoehorning "Star City" in as having been there all along, just waiting to be discovered.

Discovered through the transformative power of bad prose.

And you know what? GOOD FOR YOU, PERCY.  I still hate your writing. But this is a bold approach to bringing back Star City, which succeeds on several levels:

• It finally gives Star City the unique identity it has always lacked;
• That identity is particularly keyed to Green Arrow's personality and history;
• It clearly mimics the 1998 Batman storyline "Cataclysm", and Green Arrow should always baldly imitate Batman;
• and, most important, by having Star City supersede Seattle it makes it impossible for any subsequent writer ever to return Green Arrow to Seattle.  No matter what horrible literary things you have done or will do with Green Arrow, I shall always revere you for this.

P.S.   Mr. Percy, thank you also for ripping off Batman villain Black Mask to create the newest member of Green Arrow's crime calvacade, Pizza-Face:

And burns it does.