Ranks Giving

I am thankful I do not suffer from severe identity dissociation disorder.

Unlike Superboy, whose insecurity runs so deep that he competes ... with a future version of himself.

Even braindead fanboy toady Jimmy Olsen can barely disguise his disgust at Superboy's pathetic stupidity. Well... at least Superboy realizes it's a "handicap".

Give Thanks for Jimmy Olsen's Absence

I am thankful I do not have a pal like Jimmy Olsen.

Or know anyone like Jimmy Olsen. Or even believe that anyone like Jimmy Olsen exists.

Because that would cause me to shoot them, violating my personal code against killing, and sending me to prison for life, where I would have to barter with prison guards for my supply of comic books. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you.

Thanksgiving with your family

I'm thankful Superman isn't my cousin.

Because let me tell you, he is CREE - PY with a capital "CREE"!

Here he is putting the moves on Kara, who's so mortified by his impropriety and terrified of his power that her eyes bug out and her jaw drops. Careful, S-girl! Leave that mouth open and a superfast tongue just might steal your superbreath away!

"However," Superman continues in the next panel. "There's nothing in Kryptonian law about cousins having wild screaming monkey sex, is there? And we are in Antarctica; it's not like we're going to wake the neighbors! Why don't you just put on your little brown wig with the pigtails that I bought you..."

Thankful for Real Octopi

I'm thankful that I never had to watch as I lost my lover to the arms of sweet sweet octopus love.

I'm also thankful that octopi don't look anything monocular parrots, because that would be truly terrifying and I would never go near the ocean again.

Pants-Giving!

I'm thankful that Superman is no longer allowed to take young boys to Turkish steam baths in the hope that, sweaty and desirous of his approval, they'll ask him to look down their pants.

Because I always found that sort of thing so hard to justify to my non-comic-book-reading friends.

Thanksgiving with Mr. Rolly Polly

I'm thankful I don't work for Perry White.

I'm thankful I don't work for a cigar-chomping, irascible, unreasonable tyrant, who is, on top of all that, clearly as crazy as a bedbug.

Setting aside the fact that he's forcing his Pulitzer winning reporters to do push-ups together ... "Mr. Rolly Polly"? Is that how the editor of a great metropolitan newspaper talks?

Mr. Rolly Polly (or "Roly Poly" which is how that phrase is usually spelled) could be the personification of weight gain. Or a rotund and deceptively jolly supervillain. Or a blubberous monster that haunts Perry's dreams and must be kept at bay through repetitive ritual behaviors, one of the 117 "invisible friends" that populate Perry's seriously disturbed brain and who looks something like the photo above.

Maybe Mr. Rolly Polly is Perry's nickname for part of his anatomy and he's making a veiled sexual threat to get his employees to follow his lunatic commands; I wouldn't put it past the old coot.

My only question is:
who is the hot guy staring down Lois's dress?
Woof!

Have a Super Thanksgiving!

The events of Infinite Crisis #2 have brought me to a new and deep appreciation for just how inspiring the pre-Crisis Superman was. So, who better than he to help us realize how much we have to be thankful for?

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, nay, SUPERthanksgiving, the Absorbascon will focus this long holiday weekend on just a few of the many things that Superman makes us be thankful for.

Here's one now.

I'm thankful Dr. Wertham is not alive to see this panel:

Heck, I'm thankful Dr. Wertham's not alive period.

I'm also thankful that some trampy horned up farmgirl isn't holding a ladle in front of her breast and offering me milk, and that I'm not as desperately lonely and depraved as whoever drew this panel.

The Franchise Sings Out!

Big Monkey Comics Radio (formerly known as "SuperHero Radio") is proud to announce the acquisition of some songs from The Franchise.

They've been kind enough to give us a live recording of their song "Superhero", as performed at Washington DC's famous "Black Cat" nightclub. It's now in rotation and being aired on BMCRadio. When the studio version is done (soon), we'll put that up, too.

Superhero (barak/kaye)

CHORUS: I want to be a superhero and wear my underwear on the outside I want to be a superhero The kind evildoers can’t abide


I’ll go to the laboratory To get a chemical spill
If that doesn’t work, Then the radiation certainly will

CHORUS

I’ll build a secret lair At the bottom of a really long stair
And I’ll do experiments there About making muggers learn to care

CHORUS

I’ll work at a newspaper For a tyrannical boss
And I’ll report on how My career’s a total loss

CHORUS

When we get a better version of their song "Rorshach", we'll air that, too!.

And remember, if you, your band, or your friend's band has a superhero-themed song, just send it to us here at the Absorbascon and we'll see to it it's played on Big Monkey Comics Radio.

The Unloved

In discussions about "Character Donations" and what characters should be revived and which forgotten, I've been told more than once: "Remember, every character is someone's favorite."

To which I say...

Balderdash. Poppycock. Piffel.

Now, I understand the sentiment. I, myself, have an appreciation for some characters that many people do not (fools! the utter fools!).

I guess some people's minds just aren't strong to handle the glories of the like of Vibe, the Golden Age Starman, the Penny Plunderer, and THE AWESOME HUMAN FLYING FISH. Their loss!

And when such people prattle on about how such characters are "lame" (usually without any elaboration as to what that means) I can't help but warm up the uzi. So I understand the sentiment ... in principle.

But come now. Halo? Kadaver? Penny Dreadful? The Yazz? Cobalt Blue? Sleez? Any of the 427 crappy characters created by Threat to Society Mike W. Barr? These are not anyone's favorite characters -- not outside Arkham, anyway.

A character does not need to be anyone's favorite to be a legitimate and useful addition to the DCU. But there should be limits, don't you think? And if so, what are they?

Confess! What characters do YOU love that you get made fun of for loving? I promise not to say a word!

Morrisonian Haiku

You all think I'm crazy, don't know? I hear you whispering about me. But it's true, I tell ya -- writers intentionally have their heroes speak in Heroic Haiku, knowing that, subconsiously, we'll perceive them as more heroic that way. The Dalai Lama told me so.

Besides, you think things like THIS happen accidently?

• You misunderstand.
• I'm here to help you with that.
• Blow the hatch, Quintum!

Courtesy of Grant Morrison in All-Star Superman 1 (thanks to Jeff R for pointing it out).

As we all know, if Grant Morrison posted his grocery shopping list on the internet, within 24 hours fans would have it anagrammed into a subtle social satire on the commercialization of art leading to the commodification of ideas.

So, Morrisonians, what haiku can you compose to explicate or reply to Superman's heroic haiku?

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

Comic Book Irony

I mention "Comic Book Irony" a lot, and someone has finally asked me to explain what I mean. Note particularly 2a in the definition below (American Heritage):

• 1a. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.
• b. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
• c. A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect.
• 2a. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs: “Hyde noted the irony of Ireland's copying the nation she most hated” (Richard Kain).
• b. An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity.

Comic books teem with quiet irony. Well, mostly not so quiet. For example, see the panel above; in case you didn't get it, Catwoman's getaway being tripped up by a cat is IRONIC! If you don't notice it yourself, the narration panel points it out; if you skip that, Batman himself points it out for you. Jeez, you'd think they were writing for kids or something.

Here's another, one we've shared before: Death by Kryptonite Monkey. Poor clark; nothing's more embarrassing than having your obituary read "died of Kryptonite monkey related causes." Still, it would have given Beppo a FABulous "I shall avenge you!" scene; ah, well.

"Death by Kryptonite Monkey" is a multi-layered irony (unlike the simple cat-tripping irony above). Instead of dying glorious in battle saving Lois, Metropolis, the world, or the universe, Kal-El is about to die as Clark Kent face down in the dirt in some dark, forgotten corner of a public zoo (what kind of place IS Metropolis, anyway?).

Furthermore, his death is entirely accidental; the monkey isn't trying to kill him, no one is trying to use the monkey to kill him. In further irony, Luthor, who's been trying to kill Superman since God was a corporal, doesn't kill him. Supes is killed by an irradiated monkey abandoned from one of Luthor's experiments with kryptonite, and Luthor knows nothing about it and never would.

This is the PERFECT death for Superman. With all due deference to Alan Moore (oh, wait; I'm not allowed to use his name, am I?) this should have been "The Last Superman Story".

Both panels show another aspect of comic book irony: the characters are aware of it, and note it to others or themselves in no uncertain terms. Try it yourself and you'll see why they do it; find the opportunity to say "irony of ironies" to someone at least once a week. It's fun.

The comic book medium is so thoroughly saturated with irony, that we take it for granted, like fish who can't see the water. Peter Parker lets a robber escape because it's no business of his, then the robber kills his uncle. Delicate fop Ted Knight is the ubervirile Starman. The world's strongest man is a mild-mannered milksop. Apathetic playboy Bruce Wayne is the grim caped crusader. Two-Face becomes the very thing that destroyed Harvey Dent-- a gangster with a two-headed coin. Wonder Woman champions peace by beating the crap out of people. Slowpoke Barry Allen becomes the world's fastest man. The universe's most powerful weapon is run by the universe's least powerful brain. Oh, the comic book irony!

When I went to see M. Night Shamalyan's two films, "The Sixth Sense" and "Unbreakble", I knew the 'surprise' ending of each film about 7 minutes into the movie. My non-comic book reading friends were nonplussed; "how on EARTH did you figure that out so soon?" they stuttered.

Please! "And it turned out... I was one of them, too!" is the ending of at least 47 different EC horror stories. An ironic ending is what comic book readers expect; I didn't even understand that the endings were SUPPOSED to be suprises until my friends told me so. Oh, you mean, we weren't supposed to realize the guy with the bizarre disability, with a matching knickname given by cruel children, and wearing a purple outfit is the villain? Yeesh!

But if irony -- an incongruous, unexpected outcome -- is what we've come to expect in comic books, then is it still irony?

Topping off the Team

The final member of our all-gay heroclix team?

Why, Topo. of course! They don't call him "Top - o" for nothing...

Yes, the master of sweet sweet octopus love and Aquaman's one true love, Topo, is ready to lend a helping tentacle to his fellow lambdaclixes.

In a game, he makes an excellent water taxi and surprised opponents, overwhelmed by Topo's sex appeal (and Elasticity) find it next to impossible to breakaway from his clammy polysuckered embrace. Shudder.

I must confess I don't understand it; I don't want to. But face it, cephalopodophilia is here to stay.

Character Donations 107-111

Boy, big crossovers make you realize something:
we don't need all these extra characters cluttering up the DC Universe!

Time for that cross-company yardsale that the Absorbascon and Seven Hells like to call "Character Donations". Let's clear out some excess baggage, characters who aren't need now, certainly won't be needed after IC is done, and that Marvel might actually get some good use out of.

How about ... Doomsday, Conduit, Ruin, Bane, Hush, and Azrael?

All of them are "Living Plot Points" more than actual characters and, if there's any kind of retconning that comes as part of Infinite Crisis, the plots they are part of probably won't remain in continuity. DC can do without them (in fact, is doing without them already).

Marvelish names. All of 'em. And they could be fun at Marvel. Doomsday could be the social director on Monster Island. Conduit's your basic mutant freak (fess up; you don't even remember Conduit, do you?), Ruin and Azrael are all about the armored costumes, and Hush, well, Marvel doesn't have a mummy guy, whereas DC's got Negative Man and the Unknown Soldier.

Heck, at Marvel you could band them together as, say, the "Superfluous Six". They could have an annual meeting to decide which hero/antihero to pick on, and then hack away at him for a year in yer basic Marvel "trial by fire /test of character" storyline.

Free the Superfluous Six ... to go to Marvel!

Dream Team: the Fishers of Men

Our all-gay heroclix team is shaping up nicely!

In fact, if it continues to be this easy to find members, it may become an entire expansion set. After all, from now on Heroclix expansion sets are supposed to have themes! What would we call it? "Castro Odyssey"? "Collateral Dupont"? "Pooftertime"? I like Pooftertime...

Our two new additions are certain to make a splash: the Fisherman and Koryak.

The Fisherman is one of Aquaman's "longtime foes", seen recently in Villains United, known behind his back as "Little Miss Bondage and Discipline". The hood/helmet. The rod. The nets and restraints. The leather boots/shirtless with harness look. I mean, REALLY. Life goal? Tying down blond hunk Aquaman. You can bet the Fisherman has the last couple pages of Alex Ross's "Justice" issue #2 laminated and on his nightstand, and leaves a message every hour on Brainiac's machine: "Hey, Brainy, it's me again, the Fisherman. I hear you have Aquaman. Strapped down on a table. Do you ... need any help with that? I mean, I could spot you while you go out for lunch or something? I'll pay for lunch even..."

As for Koryak, well, I mean... it's Koryak. Duh. By the way, Koryak...

nice necklace!

Sub Diego 92101: Tempest and Koryak

To celebrate Aquaman getting his own tv show, we've been casting one of our own, using the current comic's cast. We've already picked Aquaman and Aquagirl (Jason Lewis and Rosario Dawson). Who will play Koryak and Tempest?

Tempest -- well, my own opinion is obvious: Mike Zagari, seen here signing something. Mike's sex appeal is off the charts, and Tempest could really use the boost. Of course, if Mike played Tempest, then I'd insist on playing Dolphin. So, try hard to come out with a better suggestion for who should play Tempest.


Koryak is tougher, particularly if you want someone even roughly ethno-accurate. Now, I personally have seen every movie made in the Inuit language, but still can't think of an appropriate Inuit (Eskimo) actor. Someone Asian or Amerind will have to do, I guess.

Here are some suggestions of my own:

Eddie Spears or his brother Michael Spears.
Kalani Queypo maybe.

But really, the part needs someone physically BIG. Koryak's a shtarker. We need a younger Jason Scott Lee.

Any suggestions?

Quote Poll

It was no surprise in last week's hotly contested Quote Poll that the Original Superman won in the end. The Joker came out 2nd, and Hawkgirl took 3rd.

This week in early voting, The Shark and Jimmy Olsen are tied, followed closely by Black Hand. Fact is, they're currently eyeing one other nervously backstage now! I can see them on my monitor: I think Jimmy's about to shake hands with Black Hand, while the Shark looks on, smiling -- very widely. Don't worry about the Shark, Jimmy: he only eats brains.


The Shark's "need more brain" quote is pithy, and funny yet horrible, considering that this updated version of the Shark grows more intelligent by eating other people's brains. I love this quote because it explains why Hal Jordan isn't afraid of The Shark.

Jimmy Olsen says "I looked it up on my superwatch." The context of the quote is irrelevant (besides, it's a Morrison story, so context doesn't help anyway). But it's a perfect geeky sentence, one that encapsulates Jimmy's role as an annoying little sycophant who STILL gets to hang out with superheroes. Every comic fan who reads it immediately thinks two things, simultaneously: "Geez, Jimmy--what a cheeseheaded goober you are with your 'superwatch' !!" and "Dang it, if only I had a superwatch!"

Black Hand's "how nice" quote? Well, if you haven't read Green Lantern this week, trust me: this is a creepy quote, and one that signals Black Hands immediate conversion from a D Listed remembered only in the pages of the DC Encyclopedia to a pillar of Hal Jordan's horror-laden rogue's gallery of Sci-Fi Channel escapees.

"Anton, take me away!"

Hey, it's George Little's grandpa!

Heh, actually, it's the latest addition to our all-gay heroclix team. Ladies and gentlemen, put your white-gloved hands together for Mr. Hard to Get, that master accessesorizer ...

The fabulous Fadeaway Man!

He's a tuxedo-clad antiquities collector named Anton Lamont, with Simon Stagg hair moussed halfway to Jesus and back, sporting a vicious Van Dyke, whose superpower is the ability to go "poof" with his sparkly Liberacesque opera cape.

Phew! After all the tons of testorone added to the team by Vibe, Bulletman, and (mostly) Bulletgirl, we finally have someone who can go shopping with the Red Bee (while Mr. Scarlet and Pinky are at the gym, spotting each other).

Deathstroke staggers away from his collage a trois with Mr. S and the Whiz Kid, wearing little else but his absurd pirate boots, the Travis Morgan tatters of his costume, and his eye-patch. POOF! Up pops the Fadeaway Man, enveloping Slade in his magic cloak. "Nice hair; nice beard!" Anton compliments. "Let me draw you into my folds and take you places you've never been; come, let us away..."

Pretty in Pink

My dream of a flamingly all-gay heroclix team takes a leap toward reality! Imagine yourself sitting across the heroclix map; you've already seen The Red Bee, Vibe, Bulletman, Bulletgirl, placed against you, and then you spy:

Mr. Scarlet and Pinky

Tell me you wouldn't PLOTZ!

I'd put Mr. Scarlet in front, with Pinky dashing eagerly to support Mr. S from behind. I'm not sure whether it's strategically sensible, but it will look fabulous.

Deathstroke, stumbling blindly from his unpleasant encounters with the Red Bee and Vibe would get blasted, first by Bulletman and then by Bulletgirl (who would have Charge or perhaps Hypersonic Speed). Suffering from knockback, Deathstroke falls several space back right into the open waiting arms of

Mr. Scarlet and Pinky.

• "Come, old chum," Mr. Scarlet rings out. "Let's give this evildoer a double dose of incarnadine justice!"
• "Gosh, yes, Mr. S!" Pinky chimes in. "We'll give him the old Crimson Dog Pile!"
• "N-no," Deathstroke stammers. "Please, no..."

DC's Ethical Trinity

The current clash between the Big Three -- Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman -- is interesting not just for its ramifications for the DCU, but for the ethical conflict it symbolizes.

For decades now, Batman and Superman have been presented, more or less, as opposites. Night and day, scary and inspiring, aggressive and passive, violent and pacificistic, anti-authoritarian and authoritarian, urban and rural, wealthy and poor, etc.

And, Wonder Woman was, um... a woman. And she stood for, ah, peace through ... strength. Or, or, something like that.

But Wonder Woman's recent murder of Max Lord has made crystal clear what we should have known all along: the Big Three represent different ethical theories.

Superman represents idealistic Moral Absolutism: what's wrong is wrong.

Batman represents pragmatic Rule-based Utilitarianism: we must all operate by universal rules that would keep society safe and workable ("Thou shalt not kill.")

Wonder Woman represents Situational Ethics: It's not that simple to figure out right and wrong, and it changes with each situation depending on how much harm is done to how many people.


These characterizations aren't unrealistic; in fact, most men are either moral absolutists or utilitarians and most women are situational ethicists. To women, men's understanding of "justice" seems narrowminded, hidebound, and simplistic. To men, women's understanding of "justice" seems fickle, subjective, and uselessly fuzzy.

I could expound on this observation about DC's Ethical Trinity (endlessly-- just ask any of my oh so patient friends...), but I would rather listen to YOU discuss this idea and whether it's dead on or dead wrong; please do!

In either case, it still contributes to my belief that DC characters are more iconic because they represent philosophical archtypes whereas Marvel character are less iconic because they represent psychological archtypes.

Big Monkey Fredericksburg Opens!

Today is a banner today for me! Today, my partners and I open the second "Big Monkey Comics" store, this one in Fredericksburg, VA.

The Shops at Lee's Hill
10667 Spotsylvania Avenue
Fredericksburg, Virginia
(540) 710-1131

Pop in and say hi to Jack (a.k.a. "Merchant Mingus"), or just wish him well via email at jack@bigmonkeycomics.com !!!

Sub Diego Casting: AQUAGIRL

To celebrate the news about the new Aquaman live action TV show, we're casting own our little version of "Sub Diego 92101".

Who should play Lorena "Aquagirl" Marquez?

She should be

25 or younger
Hispanic
saucy
phat-bootied

I have no candidates: suggestions?

The Dream Team Takes a Bullet

Meanwhile, back at the secret headquarters of the Fabulous League of America, in the abandoned underground rail station beneath Dupont Circle, the all-gay heroclix team acquires its next member:

Bulletman!

Bulletman and Bulletgirl pics courtesy of Totaltoyz Dale

Okay, I don't care how "bullet-like" your powers are; putting on that costume is clearly a cry for attention. Special attention. From special people.

"But, but", someone is objecting and ironically mentioning Bulletman's favorite subject. "What about Bulletgirl? Isn't she his girlfriend?"

How cute! I bet you thought Caesar Romero and Ricardo Montalban were straight, didn't you? Anyway, take a good look at Bulletgirl:


Reality check! Bulletgirl has a life-size Power Girl poster on her bedroom ceiling. Bulletgirl vacations on Themiscyra. Bulletgirl has the only complete collection of She-Hulk issues in Fawcett City.

Let's just agree that she and Bulletman are colleagues on this team, and leave it at that...

A Haiku for Your Thoughts

Okay, so, as we've previously discussed, the world is ending. One of the many signs is the Aquaman TV Show, which we are helping to cast. Also, before we all die, I have to complete my Dream Team of Gay Heroclix.

So, why on earth in the midst of all this important stuff are we pausing to hear from, of all people, Joe Coyne, the Penny Plunder?

Is Joe Coyne, who is the greatest one-shot Batman villain of all time, making a meta-commentary on the End of the DCU as we know it? "Ha! I'm safe, having been electrocuted 60 years ago, yet memorialized forever by the Giant Penny in the Batcave! Now the rest of you mokes are going to be rubbed out by red skies again, while my Giant Penny remains!"

Whatever he means, it's pretty important since he takes the trouble to say it ... in haiku.

• So long! Here's two cents--
• That's all your lives will be worth
• in a little while!

What haiku can you compose to explain Joe's taunts, comfort us during the End Times, or link Joe to the events of Infinite Crisis in a crossover?

Give us your two cents!

Sub Diego 92101

Well, as I'm sure you've read about 100 times by now, Aquaman's getting his own live-action television show. I told you we were living in the End Times!

Although it's sparked by the Smallville episode with "A.C." Curry, it won't be in direct continuity with it, and the part of Aquaman will be re-cast. Pretty as Alan Ritchson is (and they don't come much prettier, folks), I think the show's producers want someone who can swim and act. Hey, this is the WB: we know how important quality and accuracy are to them! That's why they'll be working in essential features of the Aquaman myth (like his mother disappearing in the Bermuda Triangle) and jettisoning tangential deadweight (like his ability to control sealife). But I digress.

Now, we all know that Jason Lewis is the person who needs to play Aquaman. We figured this out when we were casting "Vibe: The Movie, Meng!". Actually, it was Devon's suggestion, and since Devon erreth not, that's that.

Since they're setting it in Florida, we may not see any of the current supporting cast. But let's pretend, shall we? Let's help the WB get it right by suggesting the REST of the cast of what we'll call "Sub Diego 92101", specifically:

• Lorena "Aquagirl" Marquez
• Captain Malrey
• Vulko, um, what is his last name?
• Koryak Curry (*sigh*)
• Garth "Aqualad", um, what is his last name?
• Dr. "No, I'm not an OMAC!" Geist
• Black Manta Esther Maris, Girl Science Reporter
• Topo, Aquaman's, er, "pal"
• Mera "Aquabitch", um, what is her last name?

NO SUGGESTIONS YET, PLEASE! We'll be casting them one at time; just put on your thinking caps, and get ready.

Meanwhile, please feel free to contribute what criteria an actor would have to meet in order to play any of these parts or what WB plots you expect to see...