Monday, August 01, 2005

Vibe! Update


I guess starpower counts for something!

Unremittant moron (but undeniable beefcake) Mario Lopez (host of the "Pet Star", which is part of Animal Planet's outpatient arrangement with the Home for Formerly Famous Actors) is the winner of the "Who Gets to Play Vibe in 'Vibe the Movie'"?

Now, I'm going to pretend I'm not upset that you chose to play the godlike Vibe a man as stupid as Mario. A man so stupid that he repeatedly asks contestants holding dachshunds "What kind of dog is that?"

It's a dachshund, you friggin' moron, the sixth most common breed in America with an unmistakably unique and famously amusing profile. What does it look like, a sheepdog? Then, each time, he mispronounces it afterwards.

Mario's stupidity is IMMUNE to remediation; even though he hosts what is essentially a dog show on Animal Planet, he always seems like he just walked off the set of Saved By The Bell. Even Tiffany-Amber Gleeson knows what a dachshund is, you stupid slab of beef, and if you weren't so focused on covering up the fact that you're a HUGE QUEEN, you could remember it, too! RAHRR!!

Anyway, I'm not upset about his winning at all. I'll just sit there and wait for the scene where he's strangled by the Ivoid. Oh, yes... I'll pay $7.50 to see that. Besides, maybe some snappy dachshund contestant will finally flip over not being recognized and bite off his nose like an alien facehugger, leaving the part for gay porn star Talvin Demachio. Talvin looks more like Vibe, is a better actor than Mario, has a Latin accent, and, given his resume, could convincingly wield vibratory powers.

On to the rest of the cast! I need help choosing a female actor to play Gypsy.

Any suggestions?

10 comments:

Ron said...

Selma Blair!

Franny said...

Asia Argento!

Devon said...

Vin Diesel!

Scipio said...

Elizabeth Taylor!

Johnny B said...

Zooey Deschanel!

TotalToyz said...

LeeLee Sobieski!

Anonymous said...

Mia Kunis!

Anonymous said...

RU Paul

Anonymous said...

If this was still the 80's I'd say Punky Brewster...no idea who I'd pick now...

Greg said...

Katie Holmes!