Thursday, August 11, 2005

Air Support

Oh! There are SO many important things to discuss this week!

But first things first: Hawkman's boots.

This week we learned that Hawkman does (or did, since the appearances are in flashback) have crimefighter treads on his boots! And, for Hawkman, this is no mere decorative matter. The naive might think that a superhero whose feet rarely hit the ground might as well wear dainty Black Condor style ballet slippers; not so with Hawkman! His boots are not merely decorative but functional:Superman's boots play but a passing role, distant bit players in the Never-ending Battle. But the Hawkboots are strong supporting actors in the H-man's drama! Oh, they wouldn't go up on the billboard, but they'd definitely be in the filmic front credits, right after the Wings and the Mace.

Oh, and what treads they are! These aren't your sissified Anton Lamont patent leathers, folks. Hawkman clearly chose treads so deep that when he kicks you in the head, your face is automatically smeared with the clay-rich mud of St. Roch, further reddened by the blood of the last poor sap who got in his way. And the stylized claw-motif of Nth metal strips? Snap! Somewhere there is a deservedly self-satisfied high-end designer at Doc Martens! Market those to mountain climbers and watch the money roll in; you know Speed Saunders could be bought for the commercial campaign: "My Hawkboots never let me down!"

From our distant fourth-wall perspective, we see the Wings, the Mace, the Shoulder Hair. But the average DC crook-schlep? They see the Hawkboots zooming down at them from above, eager to answer the age-old mystery, "What would I look like with my nose coming out of the back of my skull?" And as you slip into your coma, the last sight you see will be the Hawkboots flying up away from you, their pitiless treads dripping your precious bodily fluids back on to the face they came from.

Hawkboots, we salute you with respect, not as mere fashion add-ons but as full-fledged partners in the pinioned blitzkrieg on crime.


5 comments:

Alexi Sivana said...

I want those sooooo bad!! But the only way I could get away with 'em is if I could talk Mrs Sivana into getting a pair of the PowerGirl boots.....


Hmmmmmm..........

(Brain slowly drifts off to areas it shouldn't while at work)

k26dp said...

But is Charlie man enough to fill Hawkman's Hawkboots?

Ashtur said...

You know, there's a Nancy Sinatra song parody in there somewhere....

k26dp said...

Hopefully, it'll die a lonely death.

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