Wednesday, June 15, 2005

JLA Archive Volume 4

Time to pick an Archive Volume from the shelf and see what idiotic quotes it contains. Today's Volume is that fantastic Silver Age horror that was the JLA. Oh, poets wax rhapsodic nowadays about the glory of the old days, but, lemme tell ya, the stories in the books are so bizarre that if Morrison and Loeb had a love child and fed it nothing but hallucinogens and sugar-laden breakfast cereals, Loeb-ison couldn't come up with stuff HALF as weird.

"Like I'm a tardy card today, and, hey, what's the gay day that we have a flour tower to celebrate it?"
Okay, if you do not know who said this then you know nothing about the Silver Age. On the other hand, if you know what it means, then you know much much too much about the Silver Age.

"Somehow my voice made the rock's like trying to walk on a huge trampoline!" Wonder Woman
Well, it doesn't help matters, Diana, that you're fighting crime while wearing high-heeled sandals.

"It just struck me! When Flash dived into the ocean he didn't pause to take a deep breath, yet he's been underwater now for about half an hour!" Aquaman
Huh, and you thought Arthur was just another pretty face! Fortunately, the fake Flash didn't think to take a deep breath, or Aquaman would have simply thought he'd been holding his breath for a half hour.

"To say nothing about removing the effects of Adam Strange's super-brain emanations from Kanjar Ro so that he too is back to normal!" Green Lantern
Okay. The phrase "super-brain emanations" = LOL. The phrase "Adam's Strange's super-brain emanations" = ROFL.

"We may have been changed into crystal beings, but nothing can change our determination to fight against villainy wherever we find it!" Superman
The scary part is, Clark Kent writes for a living.

"As I shine my power ring on you, Superman, through this slide of kryptonite I willed into existence, it will weaken you enough so that the pill and the teleportation aura will take effect on you!" Green Lantern
Now, that, folks, is exposition, Silver Age style.

"Without my power ring I'm super-powerless...except from the waist down!" Green Lantern
Hal Jordan is not a modest man.

"Though you have changed into chrono-sand, you still possess enough life-force to understand the completeness of my victory!" Despero
Originally, Despero's only power was super-snarkiness.

"He's learning the proper use of superspeed, with super-swift intelligence!"

This wouldn't be so bad really...if Flash weren't talking about a superfast, super-intelligent dinosaur.

"I dare not let him come in contact with me to say Volthoom and vibrate me into his own world!" Hawkman
If you don't know what story this is from, stop everything and start googling until you figure it out!


Amy said...

Without my power ring I'm super-powerless...except from the waist down!

You bastard, you made me choke on my gum! (There's not a clever Internet acronym for that level of laughter, unfortunately.)

Also: I live for over-expository dialogue. They just don't write 'em like they used to.

But you've got me stumped on that first Stupid Hero Quote...

Jonathan Miller said...

It must be Snapper Carr, but I'll be damned if I can tell what he's saying. Guess I'll have to wait for Showcase Presents! :-)

David Oakes said...


(Or, in the spirit of ROTFLMSWAO, YBYMMCOMG.)

And while I would much rather act all wise and tell Scipio he is right when he spills it, the first quote has to be "Snapper" Carr, the "flour tower" a birthday cake. But I just can't dredge up whose.

(Probably something stupid, like the anniversary of his saving the world from Starro. If Snapper can't remember, how could any of us?)

Scipio said...

Okay, David, I was eating a cookie when I read "COMG", causing me to immediately "COMC"! You people are trying to kill me I swear....

Anyway, YES, Hal REALLY said that. If DC has any brains, they'd start putting this stuff on merchandise and make billions.

Yes, it was of course the incomparable, incomprehensible Snapper Carr, apologizing for being late to a meeting(tardy card), expressing surprise at finding a multi-tiered cake (flour tower), then asking what the celebratory occasion for it was (gay day).

Scipio said...

Oh, and the occasion was Snapper's passing his exams that term. Puh-lease!

Even WORSE, Batman, Superman, and Aquaman sent TELEGRAMS congratulating him.

Aquaman sending a telegram; there's an image.

N said...

I was gonna say that "Without my power ring I'm super-powerless...except from the waist down!" should be on a T-shirt.

I'd wear it.

Ben said...

The Hawkman quote at the end is from the Earth-2 Hawk, yeah? In the "Crisis on Earth-3" storyline where they fought the Crime Syndicate. Seems as though Power Ring got his magical ring from a monk named Volthoom...

Scipio said...


Once, when I was in a bar, I pointed to a dashing supervillain type guy and said to my companion,

"I dare not let him come in contact with me to say 'Volthoom' and vibrate me into his own world."

My companion, alas, didn't get it...