Tuesday, March 21, 2006


Drugs? We're from the 30th century; we don't need no stinkin' drugs!

Yes, folks, "Tranquiliz-Globes"(tm) will bring you relaxation and serenity ... by microwaving your brain.

Screw primitive 20th century voodoo like aromatherapy; in the 30th century, we attack the problem at its source: your brain. So effective are Tranquiliz-Globes that the salesdude can't even be bothered to change out of his bathrobe. Now that's tranquil.

Tranquiliz-Globes are not merely functional, but decorative! They come in a variety of designer colors sure to match any primary-hued home: Relaxo-Red, Glassy-Eyed Gold, and Lobotomy Lime. So, cast aside those tight plastiform cinchbelts and constricting metallene neo-tribal armbands and soak up the serenity of Tranquiliz-Globes.

While boiz and grrlz all enjoy Tranquiliz-Globes, some people are more susceptible to their charms:
Globe-girl's into it; like, "who needs a boyfriend when I've got Tranquiliz-Globes" kind of into it. She used to tell her man, "I have a headache" -- but not so with Tranquiliz-Globes! I'm guessing the effect is cumulative and this isn't her first Friday night with the globes; bet she's even got some in her walk-in closet.

In fact, use them often enough, and the haiku just .... flow naturally:

"How... soothing! I had
a headache before but now,
I feel -- wonderful!"

What haiku do Tranquiliz-Globes inspire ... in YOU?


Jeremy Rizza said...

Hee! That's got to be some Jerry Siegel dialog. He enjoyed using... ellipses!

Mark said...

Become so relaxed
That you don't notice the stench
of microwaved brains

Anonymous said...

Dangling, vibrating
balls. No wonder Element
Lad is never home.

Shawn Levasseur said...

Cross reference with the "Orbs" from Woody Allen's "Sleeper"

Jake said...

I'm relaxing while
cooking my brain in my skull.
Thanks Tranquiliz-Globes!

Warning: Using Tranquiliz-Globes may result in nausea, diarrhea, headache, upset stomach, liver failure, sexual side effects, or death.

Before using Tranquiliz-Globes, tell your doctor if you have cholecystitis, biliary obstruction, gallstone pancreatitis, or biliary-gastrointestinal fistula.

Tranquiliz-Globes should not be used by women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant.

Tranquiliz-Globes is a subsidiary of Kenmore.

Anonymous said...

Mother's Lil' Helper:
New! Keep your overworked brain
Enthralled by big balls!

Jeremy Rizza said...

I was so delightfully bemused I forgot to haiku earlier.

My Tranquliz-Globes
Relax your minds; plus there's the
Roofies I slipped you.

Canton said...

Tranquiliz-Globes steeped
In chamomile and incense.
No, really. Honest.

Michael said...

Serenity now!
Tranquiliz-Globes nuke your brain.
Happy Festivus!

Anonymous said...

How did I get by
Without my Tranquiliz-Globe?
Oh, yeah! My brain worked!

Jeff R. said...

Headaches caused by the
Planetary Chance Machine
Cured by microwaves.

Jeff R. said...

(Globes and planets: my!
In the future, everyone
can be Hal Jordan)

Anonymous said...

To fully enjoy
Tranquiliz-Globes, don't forget:
Doff your tin-foil hat.

You can trust your brain
To the man in the yellow
Bathrobe! Dig his globes!

Anonymous said...

The yellow bathrobe:
A thirtieth century

(Sorry, the typo "change out of his bathroom" screams for interpretation as "wearable toilets--OF THE FUTURE!"

Anonymous said...

Note that there's only four syllables in "lavatory".

My meter weeps.

Please add "gown" to that line if you're so inclined.

Scipio said...

Any reference to the Planetary Chance Machine automatically wins.

Anonymous said...

Can you feel the waves?
Tranquiliz baking my brain,
Maybe Bush was right

Anonymous said...

Scipio, I've been listening to Big Monkey Radio -- it's excellent. Any plans to do a podcast? It would be excellent.

Steven said...

Thank you, Jeff R. Thank you Scipio, for introducing me to the Planetary Chance Machine.

I now know joy like I have never known before.