Monday, December 05, 2005

Case of the Chartreuse Motive

I don't care what you say, Brad; I know who really killed Sue Dibny.

We all know it wasn't really Jean Loring, because, well, that doesn't make any sense. Duh.

I always suspected it was beloved DC nutcase J'onn J'onzz. I mean, "Identity Crisis" should be the title of guy's biography. "Today I'm a cop! Now I'm a cat! I mean, Bloodwynd! Next year, I'll have amnesia! Again!"

Now I have the missing piece of the puzzle: motive.

Not a jury in the world would convict him.

The real shocker here is not that The Martian Manhunter and Aquaman used their telepathic and other abilities to get away with murdering Sue for painting their apartment chartreuse 20 years earlier.

It's that they live together and both know the word "chartreuse". Lordy, I personally am gayer than Liberace swimming in a pool of "Eternity", and even I barely know what chartreuse looks like.

Amazing men, those two.


Ragnell said...

Interesting Fact: The only other male hero in the DCU who knows what Chartreuse looks like is Kyle Rayner, and that is not because he is an artist and had a gay art assistant; but because the unholy cross between yellow and green is actually "anger" on electro-emotional spectrum.

He's relayed this information to the other Green Lanterns, but neglected to let them know what color Chartreuse is. And make all the jokes you want about that statue, we all know Hal Jordan has no clue what this color looks like, and neither does manly John Stewart. They will soon learn the meaning of Chartreuse, however, because Parallax's little sister, the Moderately Sized Bug Monster of Anger, was last seen in Sector 2814...

Oh, and good deduction about Identity Crisis. But I'd call it justifiable homicide in this case. Or at least the fault of the MCAM (Medium Chartreuse Anger Monster).

Scipio said...

Little known fact: "Chartreuse" is Parallax's first name.

Anonymous said...

The trial of J'Onn J'Onzz:

"Yeas, I did it. I enjoyed doing it, and I'll do it again. Oh, by the way, you all just forgot I said any of that. Repeat after me: 'Not guilty.'"


"Will the defendant rise? Excuse me, where is the defendant? And for that matter, who let in that cat with the glowing red eyes that's currently walking through the courtroom wall?"


"Aaaaah! He's out of control and using every $%#&ing super-power in existence to destroy us for daring to subject him to our puny human justice!"

All because his knowledge of chartreuse outed him and his Aqua-life partner.

naladahc said...

Sue definitely should have went with a gamboge or ochre tint.

Harvey Jerkwater said...

My finally makes sense...

Two things always bugged me.

First, Jean's motive: to get Ray back. Que?

Only a martian would confuse the human mind so greatly as to fabricate a motive like that. "I killed her by accident while trying to win back my ex-husband who I dumped" could only be the product of a being unacquainted with the labyrinthine paths of the human mind. In short, it only makes sense if your understanding of humanity were formed by bad television. Like J'onn watched to learn about life on Earth...

Second, Jean's contingency plan. After accidentally killing Sue, she just so happened to have a flamethrower and she used it to cover her tracks? Excuse me?

According to a recent issue of Scary Loners Monthly, there are only four people in history who carried flamethrowers "just in case," and none of them were women.

(Fun fact: one of them was none other than Colonel Harland Sanders! His reason for carrying the weapon throughout March 1952 remains obscure, and the only casualties of his antics were nine chickens and a mailbox. The other men were three otherwise unremarkable Belgians who formed a small club in the early sixties based on their common choice of incindiary weaponry as fashion accessory. Sadly, all three perished together in a freak custard accident in 1965.)

However, J'onn's use of a flamethrower makes sense. Martians burned their dead. Especially those executed for crimes against good taste.

I get it now!

Man, one more mystery solved. Sweet!'s been a long day.

Rob S. said...

Aquaman would know -- and be enraged -- by chartreuse, simply because it's a popular color for fishing lures.

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