Friday, January 20, 2006
Hot Steamy Rice
Yes, Todd. Yes, I will happily make it up to you later. Yes, I will walk you to the elevators. Yes, Todd. Whatever you say, Todd. Yes, yes, yes.
Well, as mentioned here, Todd Rice (better known as the world-destroying wacko Obsidian) is finally coming out and has a new boyfriend. No, really. It's in Manhunter, which everyone knows is really good, but no one reads.
Devon's been trying to get me to add Manhunter to my subscription for months. Devon's very persuasive and there's no one whose comic book opinions I respect more. But you know, Devon doesn't have grey eyes and a strong Roman nose and manly but unthreatening sideburns and JBF hair y los labios del deseo. Todd does.
What's that, Todd? You want me to subscribe to Manhunter? Yes, Todd. Yes, I will subscribe to Manhunter.
In an interview, author Marc Andrecheyko made the point strongly that in having Todd Rice come out he is not trying to make any point strongly. There are people who are gay. Todd is one of them. End of subject.
He has not been made gay so he could get bashed, or get HIV, or adopt a baby, or have conflict with a colleague, or become some teenage heroine's unrequited crush. Score one for DC! Personal matters like the fact that Alan Scott is left-handed, or that Hawkman has brown eyes, or that Obsidian is gay makes them different from most heroes but it doesn't have to become a huge plot point, for pity's sake.
Todd has always been portrayed a whiny, self-pitying, underconfident nebbish. And that, frankly was on his good days. As JSA readers know, on Todd's bad days he hung with Mordru and Eclipso and nearly destroyed the world.
Oh, but look at that face. That's not the same guy at all! NOW I understand....
Todd's problems were because his dad's from Earth-2 (his mom, too, I think). Once Alexander Luthor fixes everything, we get this new, improved Earth-New Todd Rice. Who's not evil. Who's well adjusted. Who's utterly dreamy and superpowerful in the dark. Thank you, Alexander Luthor; god bless you.
Remember, from now on, if there's anything you don't like about a character, just blame on the mix-up on multiple earths. Mad about Jesse Quick's behavior or Courtney's midriff? Those aren't the REAL ones, the ones from Earth-New. Incensed that Vibe or Ice is dead? It's okay, those were just the Earth-1 versions, and ones from Earth-2 or Earth-New will be along any day now. Still think Batman's an ass, even though he now realizes he's an ass who needs Dick badly? Don't worry, the Earth-New Batman will be scary and nice all at the same time.
Infinite Crisis, you see, is our personal lord and savior. It's all about making Todd gay. And bringing back Vibe. And creating a Batman who is all things to all people. And making everything just the way that I personally want comics to be. Oh, and you, too!
What's that, Todd? May you envelope me in your shadow form and explore my inner horrors? Yes, Todd. Yes, yes, yes.