Scipio's Dream Team

Continuing my dream of an all-gay team of Heroclix...

Hm, let's balance out the poofterosity of Red Bee, his puffy sleeves, and his "Significant Apian", Michael, with a really MACHO figure. I speak, of course, of

VIBE!

Oh, I hear you snickering. "Shyeah, Scip! Vibe's REAL macho in that outfit!" Yeah, well, shows what YOU know! Dude grew up in the Detroit barrio wearing yellow Barbara Eden pants, a loose neckerchief, a striped grapehugger, red Capezios, and a green hipslouching Jennifer Beals "I'm yours for a cigarette" fashion belt -- WITHOUT get killed. It's your classic "Boy Named Sue" story, folks. Vibe's the Toughest One There is.

He's so macho, in fact, you may find it hard to believe he belongs on the team! That's okay; that's what people think about Vin Diesel, too.... Trust me, when those two say they can "pop and lock" they ain't just talkin' breakdancing, meng.

Naturally, Vibe would have Quake, Energy Explosion, and Ranged Combat Expert. Combat Reflexes, too, like any expert breakdancer would.

As Deathstroke flees the bees of Rick ("Please, call me Richard") Reilly, he runs around the corner smack into Paco ("The Human Vibrator") Ramone. "I'm gong to rrrock jor worl', meng!" laughs Vibe as he "quakes" Deathstroke, who bounces off a nearby wall, thinking, "oh, that guy is SO much better than Terra it's not even funny!"

Scipio's Dream

I have a new dream: fielding an all-gay Heroclix team!

This week, I'll devote my entire fortune and countless hours in the gym and the lab to realizing this dream. Let's start with the obvious:

The Red Bee!

Red Bee custom clix courtesy of Totaltoyz Dale

He needs the Poison and Quake powers, of course. I'd put him on my team just so's I could see Deathstroke running from a swarm of unhappy honeybees, vainly swatting the air with his ridiculous pokey stick and pigsticker, while experiencing thousands of stabbing pains with 90 percent of his brain capacity. Oh, the Red Bee could put the hurting on that ... that one-eyed monster!

Like me, Blockade Boy is a fan of the Red Bee and even volunteered him a fashion makeover, because even the most superstitious and cowardly criminals are seldom cowed by the sight of a man in diaphanous pink pirate sleeves (it's actually beekeepers mesh, you know; I mean, it... it has to be). BB and I both agree, if either of us ever gets a pet bee, it will be named "Michael".

I don't understand why people make fun of the Red Bee. Nothing spells "beatstick" like a buzzing beltful of angry bees. Trust me, if you met someone with a honey-dripping apiary cinch you wouldn't say, "what a poofter!" you'd say, "EEEEKKKK!!!!"

Speaking of "Eeeek!", Wizkids simply MUST make a Blue Devil clix for my team....

Poll Madness!

Oh, gracious!

The vote is already HOT and HEAVY in this week's Best Quote Poll. The current leaders are neck and neck...

The Joker: "That's not funny."

Lots of "Big Stuff" happens in comics. But something sobering enough to make the Joker stop laughing...! The last time I remember the Joker seeming truly sad about his lot in life was right after he shot Sarah Essen-Gordon. Then, as now, he almost seemed to have realized that his "humor" had backfired; he'd gone far enough that even he noticed it wasn't funny. With this quote, the Joker struggles with the fact that though his wildness has made him supreme, it's marginalized him, cutting him out from the biggest event since sliced bread.

Original Superman: "I finally realized -- we saved the wrong Earth."

Pardon Superman's misspelling; breaking down dimensional barriers is tiring, so I'm sure he merely mispoke. With this quote, the original Superman -- heck, the original superhero -- condemns the entire post-Crisis DCU and casts himself as possibly the "villain" of the piece. Strong stuff indeed.

Hawkgirl: "Someone in the crowd's been OMACtivated!"

The other two quotes require a good deal of context to understand, which weakens their stand-alone impact. But anyone who's read any DC comics for the last 6 months has seen a bystander "fin out" into a monocular cyberdrone. If you know what an OMAC is, you get this pun and why it's funny. Hawkgirl's characteristic irreverence and the thrownawayness of the line makes it even funnier ("Duh!" Hawkgirl would say, "What else would you call it?"). Hair-raising quotes are nice, but it's great to have some "comic" in ones comic books, and subtle stuff like this is more enjoyable than broad Plastic-Mannish commentary.

Of course, the eeriness of Beast Boy's quote and the hilarious synopticality of Sardath's quote have kept them in running as well!

VOTE TODAY!

Another Infinite Thought

Thought from Infinite Crisis #2, pages 2 and 3.

1. I know how you feel, Animal Man; Troia makes me want to throw up, too.

2. There is no "problem at the center of the universe". There is no center of the universe. It's bad enough that Troia is saying it; but hey, she's a photographer not a physicist. But the goldarned Guardians of the Universe have been saying it, too. It's okay if Troia is stupider than I am; it's not okay if the Guardians are.

3. So, "Supergirl", there's no word for 'escape' in Kryptonese? Perhaps that's why no one "escaped" the explosion, huh? That's the kind of idiotic, poorly thought out flourish I'd expect from Marv Wolfman, not Geoff Johns; Marv, give Geoff the pen back! What Supergirl has claimed is pretty much linguistically impossible. "Escape" isn't an obscure concept; any culture whose members face any danger has the concept, and so, will have some word to denominate it. If nothing else, they have a word for "exit" or "get out" or "evade" or "avoid".

So either the writers are being really stupid here or Supergirl is. My money's on Supergirl. I'm kind of hoping the preservation of the universe (or multiverse or whatever) winds up depending on Power Girl dismembering and consuming all of Supergirl so as to subsume her place in reality. No "escape" for Supergirl!

An Infinite Thought

A thought from Infinite Crisis, Issue 2, Page 1.

I knew this already; I believe I actually posted about it before: Buddy Baker still lives in San Diego. You know, the dry place adjacent to Sub Diego. They use to have a zoo.

Anyway, I assume that Buddy will still exist after IC is over. The man's a literary cockroach; he'll survive.

So.

Aquaman can use some extended 'family'; Buddy's got nothing else to do (superhero-wise). Buddy's just as useful underwater as any fish; I recall he once defeated a Thaganarian warrior that way, during "Invasion". He wouldn't be able to talk, I guess, but if anybody could carry off a silent partner role without being diminished by it, it would be Buddy..

He could help bridge the divide between the Sub and San Diegos, help us learn about marine life, and, face it, Aquaman could use the comic relief.

DC, give us Animal Man as part of Aquaman's 'extended dynasty'!

Superhypocrisy

King Thong

Featured product of the week at the Big Monkey Comics Merchandise Store:

The Big Monkey Thong.

Want to make your woman happy?

Give 'er a Big Monkey.

Quote Poll!

In recent quote of the week battles, the Riddler squeaked past Bat-Mite with "Anyone can kill. Any can slaughter. It isn't hard. It isn't art." and Jonah Hex's "cruel and unusual" quote was a hands-down winner (defeating Lex Luthor).

Thanks to Infinited Crisis there are plenty of horses in the week's Best Quote contest. Personally, I voted for Hawkgirl, though I'm sure she won't win. Sententious, hair-raising quotes are great, but, face it, only Hawkgirl would pop up with a word like "OMACtivated", which made me laugh out loud and hardily.

Vote! And weigh in below to let us know who you think the odds favor...

The Boiled Frog Speaks

In the most recent issue of Infinite Crisis (#2), the Original Superman has made some strong condemnations of the post-Crisis universe. His hypocrisy on this matter is something we will deal with later....

For now, I'm interested in the opinions of our regular readers. I must confess, I myself was a bit taken aback by a certain half page in the issue, in which Phil Jimenez issues a stunning indictment of the post-Crisis world with two simple, kaleidoscopic panels recapping some of the most unpleasant events of the last 20 years. I hadn't forgotten any of those events; they didn't shock me. However, the fact that I was no longer shocked by such events DID shock me. And, for a minute, I saw the "modern DCU" just as the Original Superman does ... with displeasure and disapproval.

Without realizing it over the last 20 years, have I become slowly jaded and accustomed to the "Dark Age" of comics, I, who look for joy and amusement in every panel? If you drop a frog in a pan of boiling water, it will jump out; if you put it in a pan of cool water, and slowly heat it up, the frog will boil to death. Am I a boiled frog?

I'm not ready to embrace the Original Superman's "final solution"; no way! But I applaud DC for giving this character the guts to represent the feelings of some fans; kudos to you, DC, for embracing such self-cricitism!

Let me, at least, take this stance on what's happening -- a viewpoint that DC can NOT have one of their characters take, specifically:

DC is finally rejecting the post-Crisis Marvelization of the DC Universe.

Monthly deaths.
Heroes overwhelmed by personal issues.
Moral uncertainty.
"Bad-ass" good guys.
Conflict among heroes as a main course instead of a spice.

These are the things considered "wrong" with the current DCU and they happened because DC tried to copy what made Marvel popular. Those things have their place in the Marvel Universe and can make for interesting and powerful literature. But in the DCU, it's like watching the King of England take a crap. Yes, it's a legitimate and realistic take on the character, but it's not really what people tune in for, ya know?

Fans who missed the point of "The Dark Knight Returns" and "The Watchmen", fans who'd grown up with a steady diet of Marvel melodrama, fans who wanted comics to merely reflect our world instead of illuminating it: in the post-Crisis world, DC gave them what they asked for. And, lo and behold, almost everyone, it turns out, is dissatisfied with the result.

Perhaps Captain Atom's little trip through the Wildstorm Universe is DC's way of reminding us that they are offering us a world like that if we want it, but that the DCU proper is going to be something else. Not the silliness of the Bronze and Silver Ages (which, despite what you may think, is not something I want to see return) -- but at least something that will inspire and not depress us.

What do YOU think?

The End Times

I am making peace with my gods because, clearly, we are living in the End Times.

Vibe is back and living large.
Jonah Hex is on the stands and the talk of the town.
Catman is a bad-ass.
The Calculator is a leader of the world criminal community.
Aquaman appears to be getting his own show.
Hawkman has a Rogue's Gallery.
Jason Todd is alive.
Mera's breathing air.
Power Girl is from Earth-2.
Detective Chimp is on the case.
Skeets has returned.

and

The Joker has stopped laughing....

Why Lois Didn't Love Clark

C'mon, you just know that Lois is fag hag!

A strong "career girl" like Lois should be a magnet for the kind of gay guys who hang out with gal pals (which, contrary to the impression that you get from watching teevee, is not something most gay guys do). If Lois Lane lived in our world, she and Anderson Cooper would be tight, man, and shop together weekly.

So Lois surely gets *snicker* "hit on" by lots of meek mild-mannered fresh off the farm types, ones who haven't quite figured out their own "secret identities". You know--Alarm Clocks, as they're called, guys who are wound up but haven't rung yet and awakened from their Sleep of Self-Deception. Imagine Lois Lane, Girl Reporter, repeatedly embarrassed by the relevation that (once again) her latest beau is a BOQ (editor's note: Big Old Queen). Can't you hear the water cooler taunts of cosmosluts like Cat Grant and smalltown girls who know the score like Lana Lang?

"So, Lois, how was your, um, 'date' with Blue Devil? *snort*! Are you bringing him to the office Christmas Party?"

"Don't be silly, Cat; he'll be too busy sliding down chimneys! *tee hee* Besides, he wouldn't want to clash with the holiday decor ... say, Lois, I bet Mr. Scarlet or the Red Bee is available!"

The bicked witches! I'm sure it's like some cruel scene from Sex in the City or Desperate Housewives. Can you imagine poor Lois Lane stuck on Desperate Housewives? Shudder!

For decades, sexist male writers have angled the Clark/Superman/Lois triangle as an ironic tragedy for Clark. Puh-lease! The real story is one of a doomed Fruit Fly, longing for a "real man" but who attracts men interested only in her brain. Then, when the total package comes along in the form of Clark Kent, all Lois can think is:

"Oh, great, another farm fag!
Well, this time I'm not falling for it!"

Oh, the comic book irony.

The Fastest Tongue in the West!

Drier'n a rattlesnake's belly; Faster'n a Yankee Gatlin' gun; Sharper'n a Bowie knife 'n' jest as lahk to cut tuh the bone:

The Wit and Wisdom of Jonah Hex!

''Muh Mammy alluz tol' me thet no matter how bad things look, thar's alluz a bright spot of hope somewhar! 'Course, Mammy never had tuh face a firin' squad.... "

Lesser humorists must struggle through with wit that is merely Shavian or at best Wildean. But some lucky few Americans are blessed with Hexian wit!

"Some day, when the frontier's a mite more civilized, women drivers is gonna be outlawed!"

Oh, he has a ruff and tumble exterior perhaps! But don't be fooled; Jonah Hex should be played not by a Clint Eastwood but a David Hyde Pierce!

"We wahr plannin' on leavin' soon as I finished muh strawberry shortcake!"

Bill Maher? Jon Stewart? Ham-fisted pikers!

"Durin' th' war twixt th'states Ah had jus' 'bout as much'a muh country's gratitude as Ah could stand! Damn near killed me, all thet gratitude!"

"We won ever' damn battle we wuz in! Cain't understand fer the life'a me how we managed to lose the whole blamed war!"


Politician: "I'm afraid this will mean a change in Washington's liberal Indian policies."
Hex: "Which one d'ya mean-- takin' their lands, killin' their braves, or starvin' their squaws and papooses?"

Daffy Duck? Jack Benny? Pshaw; we've got Jonah Hex!

"If'n you keep distractin' me thet way with all thet bawlin', Ah might fergit tuh ask fer thet five hunnert dollars yuh owe me!"

Eschew the cross-dressing antics of Milton Berle and Martin Lawrence in favor of ... Jonah Hex!


Don't read Jonan Hex for the enormous body count and frontier justice; read it for the knee-slappin' Western wit!

Really, folks, if you ain't readin' the new Jonah Hex or the Jonah Hex Showcase yer missin' out on a whole passel'a comic book goodness.

There is nothing wrong with your Absorbascon Apparatus

Do not attempt to adjust the picture. Bat-Mac is now controlling the transmission. Straight outta London to the ghettos of Georgetown.

For one night only, I've been given control of the Absorbascon. And you know what, it's bloody hard work. It really makes me realise how much effort Scipio puts in to this to entertain you 700+ readers a day.

Some of you may be doubting if "Scipio" even exists. I know he does. And he is a disturbed man.

I've just spent half an hour in his dark basement, queering up his vast DC Archive collection.


However, I can now answer the question you have been wondering for several months:

That picture of the Vibe custom Heroclix he posted here. It actually exists. It wasn't Photoshopped, He paid US currency to get one made.

I'm leaving now. Let us never speak of this again.

One-Horned Haiku

Oh, dear; oh, my.


Ever since her creation by Marston, Wonder Woman has been bursting with symbolism. Well, this scene is a perfect example! Here, artistic license has even been taken with the unicorn's horn: instead of being a sharp spiraled cone with an icicle-like appearance, it's a thick shaft with a tapering head, kind of like a ... a rocket. Yes, it doesn't take a exegetical genius to see what that horn symbolizes:

the writer's pen.

You can feel the writer's struggle here. His metaphorical pen (as represented by the unicorn's horn) stabs toward haiku, poking at the muse of poetry (here personified by Wonder Woman), but missing every time, as the correct meter dodges, avoids, and evades him.

Then Wonder Woman cruelly laughs at his powerless projectile of poetry. "Hola!" she interjects meaninglessly. "You can't capture Wonder Woman with the paltry syllabification of a haiku! It requires pages and pages of paragraph after paragraph of wordy narration boxes: just ask George Perez or Phil Jimenez!"

Sadly, there's no way to parse this sequence's narration into a haiku, although it's so desperately needed to capture the moment!

Can you help out the writer by composing an appropriate haiku about Wonder Woman's successful evasion of the thrusting horn?

When I Was Graduated from High School...

they published Fury of Firestorm #1 (because you DEMANDED it!).

Firestorm's heyday, brief and flickering like the candle he resembles, fell smack dab in the middle of the period during which I wasn't reading comics. You know, "adolescence", that period when you can no longer take childish delight in comic books but aren't ready to enjoy them in the layered way an adult does.

During adolescence, without the icons of DC to guide them, many people lose their moral compass and fall into various evils: sloth, dissipation, rebellion, wantonness, emotional overindulgence, Marvel Comics (9 out of 10 Kirby Cultists are lost to us during their teen years). Fortunately, I avoided all those evils until I was an adult (when I could really afford them).

As a result, I was spared Ronnie Raymond, the Peter Parker of the Post-Atomic Era. Ronnie, who skipped the spider-bite part and went straight for a huge dose of radioactivity. Check out that cover: classic Marvel ghost-heads of supporting characters from your private life. To me, Firestorm is the personification of DC's rejection of What It Does Best in an attempt to Ape The Competition.

Ronnie was the anti-Peter: stupid, handsome, stupid, athletic, stupid, and popular. Are the kinds of kids who want to read about a physics-powered hero really able to identify with a guy like that?

I think that's the secret behind whatever popularity Firestorm had (has?): readers didn't want to be Firestorm. They wanted to be Ronnie Raymond....

Come! Let us ejaculate together!

Holy ejaculations! There's nothing quite as comic-booky as those verbal outbursts, with their absolute construction and bolded lettering.

Verbal ejaculations are a natural part of our (and any) language, but the phenomenon blossomed in the 19th century when piety and prudity inhibited people from using the basics, Invocations of God and Swearing. That's when we got groovy sayings like, "Great Caesar's Ghost!", the ejaculation always on the lips of Perry White.

Another popular one in comics is "Great Scott!" Despite what frequenters of The Rocky Horror Picture Show may think, Great Scott refers not to toilet paper, but to General Winfield Scott (a hero of the Mexican-American War).

Real people still say "great scott" (at least, at my house they do). But not many people still say "great guns".

I used to think "Great guns!" was something that Green Lantern came up with. It's what he used to say before met his bosses, the Blue Non-Meanies, and learned that he was part of the Great Crossing Guard Patrol of Space.

After that, he started saying "Great galaxies!" or "Great Guardians!". Pompous Hal immediately leapt on the opportunity to remind the reader, hey, I'm not a mere local hero, I'm a galactic butt-kicker. Holy head-swelling ejaculations!

But in fact everybody says "Great Guns!" (at least, in my comic books they do). It was a favorite ejaculation of Golden Age heroes, like Superman and Starman. There are, to my knowledge, no recorded instances of Batman saying "Great Guns!"; I can't say I'm suprised.

So Hal Jordan wasn't the first person to say "Great Guns!"; he was pretty much the last!

In group environments like the JLA or the Superfriends, "themed ejaculations" become very important during the Silver and Bronze Age. Since characters' personalities and speech patterns were fairly interchangeable, they were distinguishable only through their powers and appearances. But allowing them "personal ejaculations" was a verbal clue that, hey, they actually are different people, after all. They may seem silly and insignificant, but those themed ejaculations were the first step toward giving those characters individual personalities -- personalities we now take for granted.

"Great Hera!", "Moons of Mars!", "Great Rao!", even "Great Gotham!" and "Great Lightning!" You know who's saying them as soon as you read or hear them. Personalized ejaculations imply individualized speech, differences in background lack that lead to differences in viewpoint, approach, philosophy, morality. Personal ejaculations sowed the seeds that grew into the iconic superheroes we know and love today.

An episode of JLU played on this. During a battle, Wonder Woman (who historically was probably the first big DC icon to start using personal ejaculations) cries out, "Hera help me!" Hawkgirl, annoyed, says, "Do you have to say that all the time?"

The moment wasn't just funny; it led Wonder Woman and Hawkman into conversation about faith, Diana's faith in the gods and Shayera's lack of faith. Up until that point in JLU, Diana and Shayera seemd pretty similar: flying ass-kicking chick-bricks. But that episode made you realize they were completely different people with divergent attitudes and worldviews. All because we all know that Wonder Woman shouts stuff like "Great Hera!" all the time.

The Magic of Hex

Two-Face in "Half An Evil", Batman #234, Aug. 1971

Jonah Hex in "The Killer's Last Wish", Weird Western Tales #13, Aug./Sept. 1972

When Jonah Hex first appeared Westerns were, as Don Markstein puts it, "already passe`." But Jonah lasted another 13 years (not counting the two years following, when DC Mad- Maximized him by plopping him in a dystopian future -- don't ask).

Jonah lasted because he was weird and unique. He was part Two-Face (his appearance and interesting moral viewpoint) and part Batman (legendarily spooky and expert in what he does; oh, and rude). In fact, in BTAS he was alleged to be an ancestor of Bruce Wayne.

Jonah weren't yer average singing cowboy, no ma'am. Betrayals, cruelty, disfigurement, biological warface, torture, and lots of Death By Irony. Genocide, civil war, emancipation. Broken hearts, broken promises, broken dreams and the broken people who had them. They didn't call it Weird WesternTales for nothing, folks.

Not having read Western comics as a child, I'm a new convert to Jonah fanhood. But, following the recommendation of Devon of Seven Hells (who, after all, erreth not), I took the risk of reading the first issue of the new Jonah Hex series. I'm hooked! I won't spoil it for you but it duplicates the old Hex magic, right down to the sententious narration boxes characteristic of Western and horror comics.

Weary of heroes who ring their hands over routine mindwiping? Have a huge dollop of Hex. He still wrestles with moral dilemmas, but while he's doing that he still finds plenty of time to kill just about anyone who seems to need it.

Bottom line for me is, I enjoy Jonah Hex as a character for the same reason I enjoy Two-Face: his struggle with right and wrong challenges my own moral viewpoints and makes me think.

Stagg Party

Simon Stagg, genius,

is, as previously mentioned, the greatest comic book character of all time.

It would be enough that he has hordes of nameless hooded guards following his every whim,
as if he's a Starman villain.

But, fact is, Simon Stagg's so cool you need MORE the just killing skills to work for him.


"So, you can operate a wide variety of death-dealing defense machines with your head covered, are a eunuch, and are willing to devote your life to me.
But can you play any classical instruments at symphonic level, you imbecile?
Yes?
BY JASPER, you're hired, my lad!
Let it never be said that Simon Stagg's minions aren't CULTURED!"

Lessons from Vibe

Eight Fabulous Things I Learned from
Justice League Unlimited #15

1. Vibe is powerful. Scary powerful.

He makes me shake even WITHOUT using his power. Not that I'm complaining, mind you!


2. In Animated DCU Spanish, "el" is used instead "los"; fascinating!


3. Animated Black Lightning can fly; who knew?

It's so very "Static Shock"; will this change come to the DCU proper? I hope the decent costume comes with it.

Like fashion-forward Stargirl Black Lightning doesn't need a midriff-baring costume any more; those are so yesterday.


4. Vibe is wise. Deeply wise.

He also says really cool stuff, like "Squash that!" That is so street. I'm going to start saying that ... in a loving and supportive way, of course, just like Vibe.


5. In the Animated DCU, gangmembers have shiny white matching casual wear from Old Navy.

But you can still tell they're rough and tumble gangmembers because, you know, the shirts are not tucked in.

That's rebellion, man.




6. Vibe can still breakdance ...

while kicking tail.
It simply don't get no cooler than that, folks.


7. Vibe is almost painfully modest.

This, despite having enough power to have sunk Sub Diego single-handedly. Ye gods, has there ever been a more inspiring role model? I think not.

All children should own a Vibe action figure. And the government should pay for it.


8. Vibe is huge. ENORMOUS.

Observe how he towers over that policeman; how Vibe's bicep is larger than his head. I've never thought of Paco as being huge; now I can hardly think of anything else.

Vibe used to be a tiny man. Now he's Superman size; Martian Manhunter size. It's almost as if ... as if when you come back from the dead, you become larger than life. Funny how that works.

Oppose Hypostatization!

On the whole, I oppose heroes and villains with hypostatized powers.

Heroes (and villains) can do specific things. Flash moves fast. Batman is smart and fights well. Superman can fly, is really tough and really strong. Green Arrow shoots arrows well. Exactly how fast, how smart, how strong, how well etc., are details that can vary as the plot requires. But the essence of what the character can do is concrete and it's fairly easy to imagine plots that challenge them or where failure is possible, allowing for dramatic tension.

A lot of Silver Age writers took advantage of "concrete powers" to create three-act plots:

1. Hero encounters villain and loses (the villain accomplishes his goal and escapes).
2. Hero encounters villain and there is a stalemate (the villain's goal is thwarted but he still escapes).
3. Hero encounters villain and wins (the villain is both thwarted and captured).

A classic example (don't laugh) is the original (um ... and only) Aquaman versus the AWESOME HUMAN FLYING FISH story.

1. On the first encounter, Aquaman is taken by surprise by the HFF's aquatic and flying powers, and the villains gets away with the loot.
2. The next time, Aquaman has wised up and has a strategy that takes those powers into account; he stops the theft but the Fish gets away.
3. Then, Aquaman, always a thinking man's hero, sets a trap for the Fish, which succeeds.

A hero with concrete abilities encounters a situation or opponent that challenges those abilities and through increasingly strategic use of those powers -- or simply cleverness -- triumphs. The hero doesn't win all the time; he simply wins in the end. It's remarkable to me how easily many people confuse the two.

Storytelling starts to stumble when hypostatization -- treating an abstract power as if it were a concrete one -- begins to take hold of the character. Flash as "really fast guy" even "the fastest man alive" works. But when he becomes (as the modern Flash has) the Wielder of the Speed Force, controlling the very concept of kinetic power (as he does not with his "kinetic distribution power") his powers are hypostatized, rendering him nearly unwritable.

This happened to Superman in the Silver Age. Superman could not be harmed. PERIOD. Talk about treating an abstract idea as if it were concrete! Magic & kryptonite, that was it; otherwise, forget it. The result? Every other story has to have either kryptonite or magic in it. Yawn. Throw in the ability to travel through time at will and a couple pounds of Amnesium, and rooting for Superman becomes pretty much redundant. No wonder Supes degenerated into sitcom and soap opera (*choke*!).

Batman has been called "the world's greatest detective" but that really doesn't mean much unless he's engaged in a one or one "detecting battle" with an enemy. Batman has pretty much escaped hypostatization (although Morrison teetered close to it with his Perfect Batman With A Plan schtick). You can still believably beat the crap out of Batman. Nevertheless, the effects of Morrisonesque hypostatization of Batman is noticeable in the hordes of young fans who simply denied that it was possible for Hal Jordan to hit Batman, as if Batman's unbeatablility were a magic power.

Marvel characters are usually overcome by hypostatization when they fall for their own press.

• Green Arrow is a darned good shot but Bullseye is The Man Who Never Misses (tm).
• Green Lantern's willpower is stronger than fear, but Daredevil is The Man Without Fear (tm).
• Wolverine is The Best At What He Does (which is killing, as far as I can tell; nice power, bub).
• And, of course, "nothing can stop the Juggernaut"!

As a character's powers grow more hypostatized, there are more and more obstacles to writing the character. An occasional hypostatic figure can be fun and colorful, such the Quiz (from Morrison's Brotherhood of Dada), who had Every Power You Hadn't Yet Thought Of. But when your mainstream pillar characters start to fall victim to the Hypostatic Syndrome, then a reboot becomes inevitable. The "de-hypostatization" of the Flash and Superman was one of things the post-Crisis world was supposed to accomplish. It did.

But then the editors let the writers forget the real reason the Crisis was necessary: not because the world had become too complex but because its characters had grown too powerful to write. And now the Spectre, who has essentially been deified, is cruising for a bruising, too, necessitating Day of Vengeance.

Contrary to popular belief, readers don't lose interest in a character once they realize he's not going to lose. They lose interest in a character when they realize he cannot lose and still remain who he is... which is different thing entirely.

Blockade Boy

I don't add blogs to my links bar lightly (not because I'm mean or snooty, but because it brings down my valuation on Blogshares; sad but true). But I simply must add "Blockade Boy"!

First reason: anyone who even remembers Blockade Boy gets a modicum of respect from me. "Ah," I nod, concealing an inner smile, "the royal we recognize you as one of the Comicscenti; in the New Regime, you shall not merely survive, but occupy a Place of Privilege; carry on."

So, imagine my joy upon discovering that the blog is written by Blockade Boy himself, who apparently faked his death in Adventure Comics #345 (hah, take that, Nardo!).

THEN imagine how I nearly fainted when I saw that Blockade Boy does costume re-designs on the fashion ill-favored! An obscure dead Legion character comes back to life, moves to the 21st Century, and reinvents himself as a costumer who helps others reinvent themselves. It's like ... like a beautiful dream come true. It's so--*sniff*--inspiring!

Learn Who Blockade Boy Is and How He Came To Be!

I, sadly, can only criticize the costumes of others, which is a destructive power; I am, in essence, a Fashion Supervillain. Blockade Boy, however, harnesses godlike powers of Costume Redesign, making him a Fashion Superhero. He makes me feel so.... ashamed.

Therefore, BB is the Absorbascon's new fashion consultant, and I hope at some point to be able to convince him to put forward some designs for some deserving characters. Is there anyone you can think of who needs a new superwardrobe?

Bare Truth

There are many wonderful and important things to see in this week's comics:

• the return of the best western character of all time, Jonah Hex;
• Battlesuit Lex calling Superman stupid;
• Wildcat bitchslapping Mordru,
• and, of course, the GLORIOUS AND TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF VIBE.

But do not let those blind you to the signficance of this:


Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot; you won't recognize that image because you've never seen it before. It's Stargirl's midsection -- WITH CLOTHING ON IT.

Shocking, isn't it?

Now, I'm pretty sure that "Courtney" (and the only reason I'm not making fun of her name is that, when your name is Scipio -- or worse -- you're pretty much disqualified from making fun of other people's names) started this whole "midriff-baring costume" plague that's infected the DCU.

I suppose when Courtney first appeared, she was young enough that it seemed "cute" or "innocent". Oh, but what is cute at one age can seem, well, trampy at another, and as Courtney has aged into adolescence she's been teetering closer and closer to Brittany Spears territory (so who's the DCU caped equivalent of Kevin Federline? Vibe?).

As it spread to Hawkgirl, Huntress, and *shudder* Supergirl it became clear: this is the kind of thing that happens to young superwomen who don't have proper fathers to keep them in line. Do you see Jade traipsing around with her belly button out? Huh, no, I don't think so!

Now, Courtney claims the costume change is just because "it's cold in the sixth dimension", but I'm confident that's just an excuse. She's gotten older and wiser and it's suddenly hit her while battling omnipotent magical beings, "I don't want to die in an I Dream of Jeannie outfit." Well, who does, dear?

But you and I know that the editors at DC have finally awakened after the, oh, 20 year sleep that Krona put them in, the one that prevented them from editing Wolfman's dialog in Crisis on Infinite Earths. And they are mad!

"Why are the Daughters of the DCU wearing cheerleading outfits and looking like 'easy girls' ? Let them be clothed. Now."

Bravo, ei in loco parentes of the DCU! I applaud your efforts to return decency to our super girls.

As long as Phantom Lady, Power Girl, and Wonder Woman remain as they are, of course...

Catch the Vibe

Next week, please buy this comic book --
even if you don't ordinarily buy
Justice League Unlimited.


Why?

Because then it will be easier for me to say,

"I told you so."

The Living Death

Oh, to live in the drama-filled world of Starman!

Purple-hooded menaces gripping flaxen-tressed maidens!
Hypnofacient blazing from unforgettable eyes!
Spell-driven rigidity culminating in the named horror of....
the Living Death!

Lordie, I can barely remember the last time I went rigid under the grip of a hooded menace! Enjoy it while you can, Doris girl!

"The Living Death"; I've really got to start using that line...

Bizarro Haiku!

Oh, you crazy Bizarro!

Naturally, the first time we see Superman's imperfect duplicate, he introduces himself with -- what else -- an "imperfect haiku":


"Kryptonite rays kill you, but
not harm Bizarro!
Nothing can harm Bizarro!"

A 7-5-7 meter? Of course! That's how bizarro-haiku works!

What suitable bizarro-haiku can you compose to celebrate the creation of Superman's cracked reflection?