Big Monkey is LIVE!

I am overjoyed to (finally) be able to announce the unveiling of

BigMonkeyComics.com!

Big Monkey Comics is the chain of comic book stores that both Devon of Seven Hells and are I associated with. Actually, with only two stores I guess it's more of an, um, anklet than a chain, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, our website is up and I find it delightful and exemplary. The young folk tell me it's "dope", which I believe is similar.

If everyone who visits the Absorbascon would at least drop in to check it out, I'd be grateful (I'm going to add a link in my sidebar to facilitate that). I'm hoping you'll visit once because I asked you, but return there because you liked it.

It has some fun features, such as

• RSS feeds from comic book newsites
• a blog (The Big Blog) to which Devon and I and others contribute
• comic book reviews by Devon and some of our expert friends
• store info and sales (gotta make a living!)
• the Astounding Stupid Quote Balloon!
  
• a very easy way to listen to Big Monkey Comics Radio (formerly SuperHero Radio)
• links (of course) to our Ebay store and on-line Monkey Merchandise store
• Devon's Pick of the Week and Recommend Readings
• Two fan forums (FanFatale for women readers and Comic Book Issues for general topics)

Please let me know what you think!

I hated All-Star Superman 1

Okay, I'll say it, since no one else will: I hated All-Star Superman.

Face it, Morrison's A-SS is full of crap. Oh, sure there are some outstanding "left elbow" moments... the one-page origin; the gooberness of Jimmy Olsen, Clark's entrance to the Planet. But overall it was a relentless spewing of Morrison's ideorrhea, with giant test-tube babies, yoctospheres, "fear genes", and some scientist who's apparently the love-child of Willie Wonka and the Rainbow Raider.

"But Morrison captures the joys of carefree silver age age blah blah blah."

No. He does not.

Yes, the Silver Age was characterized by a proliferation of wacky ideas, concepts, and characters. But the Silver Age was mercilessly rigid in following through on the ramifications of those ideas. Everything was explained (usually in long expository balloons), and if there were Superboy robots, then by all that is holy you had to explain it every time Superboy didn't use them: "Ordinarly, I'd use one of my robot replicas to fool Lana! But they're all off performing super-rescues or in repair at the moment! I need another elaborate and unlikely plan to protect my secret identity before Lana opens that door!"

In short, the Silver Age had the mentality of a child: endlessly inventive but very strict and hidebound about rules. Makes sense, of course, since that's when comic books were still written for children.

Morrison's writing, in contrast to the Silver Age, shows ZERO interest or concern for the logical ramifications of the concepts that litter his stories like mental fewmets. Wait, wait, you're trying to tell me some whacked out candy-coated scientist is farming all manner of freakish slave-like sentient organisms using Superman's DNA and -- and everyone's okay with that? That's the kind of person Superman used to capture, not save! Forget all about Superman and Luthor; who cares about them, when this Dr. Moreau thing is the REAL STORY?

Morrison dazzles you all by throwing verbal paint on canvas and quickly moving to the next one, while you gasp and stare at the multicolored Rorshach test, groping for meaning when there isn't any. If it's one thing I've learned from my professional careers, it's that great ideas are extremely easy; following through on them isn't.

That's why I'm no longer impressed by Grant Morrison.

Haiku and Farewell

As regular readers know, Starman -- the real Starman -- is the Father of Heroic Haiku. So, on this Haikuesday at the Absorbascon, we ask the question:

What were the real Starman's last words to his son, Jack the Poseur?


Ted, of course, knows how cool he is. Ted was cool before the word was used that way. Ted invented cool, along with a nearly miraculous hand-held device that sucked power out of the very ether. In his spare time.

Ted hopes that Jack finally understands: "Son; this is what cool is. Not peddling old knicknacks, wearing Hawaiian shirts, and shacking up with circus freaks. Do you get it, now, son?"

Jack seems to get it, I think. Regardless, the Absorbascon knows how cool you are, Ted. Who else would go out ... with a haiku?

When you tell your boy
about me, please lie a bit
to make me sound "cool".


What haiku of yours will honor the real Starman's death or replace Jack's reply?

Pangs-Giving

And, finally...

I am thankful Superman and Batman are no longer allowed to do public service announcements about sexually transmitted diseases.

Parks-giving

Speaking of handicaps...

I'm thankful Superman never wanted my parking space.

Face it, the Supermobile ain't a compact. Superman needs room to park that sucker and it must be conveniently located, because when you're a big-time hero, time is often of the essence. This means ... Superman takes Handicapped Parking spots. Because he can get away with it.

"Excuse me, sir, your supermobile is blocking the full access ramp and -- say, that's a handicapped parking spot!"

"Sure is, 'wheelie'; wanna make something out of it?"

"But--but that's for folks who are handicapped like--like me!"

"I'm Superman, sweetie; from where I sit, all human beings are handicapped and I can't tell the difference. Besides, without me, your planet would have been long since incinerated into space dust by one of the weekly comets I save it from.

Tell you what; I'll go easy on you. I'm going to toss you a couple miles away from here, but, because I'm such a nice guy, I'll throw you in the chair and maybe it'll help break your fall.

And if you're lucky you'll land somewhere near the crumpled up ball of steel and plastic that used to be your hydrolift-equipped van."

Ranks Giving

I am thankful I do not suffer from severe identity dissociation disorder.

Unlike Superboy, whose insecurity runs so deep that he competes ... with a future version of himself.

Even braindead fanboy toady Jimmy Olsen can barely disguise his disgust at Superboy's pathetic stupidity. Well... at least Superboy realizes it's a "handicap".

Give Thanks for Jimmy Olsen's Absence

I am thankful I do not have a pal like Jimmy Olsen.

Or know anyone like Jimmy Olsen. Or even believe that anyone like Jimmy Olsen exists.

Because that would cause me to shoot them, violating my personal code against killing, and sending me to prison for life, where I would have to barter with prison guards for my supply of comic books. Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you.

Thanksgiving with your family

I'm thankful Superman isn't my cousin.

Because let me tell you, he is CREE - PY with a capital "CREE"!

Here he is putting the moves on Kara, who's so mortified by his impropriety and terrified of his power that her eyes bug out and her jaw drops. Careful, S-girl! Leave that mouth open and a superfast tongue just might steal your superbreath away!

"However," Superman continues in the next panel. "There's nothing in Kryptonian law about cousins having wild screaming monkey sex, is there? And we are in Antarctica; it's not like we're going to wake the neighbors! Why don't you just put on your little brown wig with the pigtails that I bought you..."

Thankful for Real Octopi

I'm thankful that I never had to watch as I lost my lover to the arms of sweet sweet octopus love.

I'm also thankful that octopi don't look anything monocular parrots, because that would be truly terrifying and I would never go near the ocean again.

Pants-Giving!

I'm thankful that Superman is no longer allowed to take young boys to Turkish steam baths in the hope that, sweaty and desirous of his approval, they'll ask him to look down their pants.

Because I always found that sort of thing so hard to justify to my non-comic-book-reading friends.

Thanksgiving with Mr. Rolly Polly

I'm thankful I don't work for Perry White.

I'm thankful I don't work for a cigar-chomping, irascible, unreasonable tyrant, who is, on top of all that, clearly as crazy as a bedbug.

Setting aside the fact that he's forcing his Pulitzer winning reporters to do push-ups together ... "Mr. Rolly Polly"? Is that how the editor of a great metropolitan newspaper talks?

Mr. Rolly Polly (or "Roly Poly" which is how that phrase is usually spelled) could be the personification of weight gain. Or a rotund and deceptively jolly supervillain. Or a blubberous monster that haunts Perry's dreams and must be kept at bay through repetitive ritual behaviors, one of the 117 "invisible friends" that populate Perry's seriously disturbed brain and who looks something like the photo above.

Maybe Mr. Rolly Polly is Perry's nickname for part of his anatomy and he's making a veiled sexual threat to get his employees to follow his lunatic commands; I wouldn't put it past the old coot.

My only question is:
who is the hot guy staring down Lois's dress?
Woof!

Have a Super Thanksgiving!

The events of Infinite Crisis #2 have brought me to a new and deep appreciation for just how inspiring the pre-Crisis Superman was. So, who better than he to help us realize how much we have to be thankful for?

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, nay, SUPERthanksgiving, the Absorbascon will focus this long holiday weekend on just a few of the many things that Superman makes us be thankful for.

Here's one now.

I'm thankful Dr. Wertham is not alive to see this panel:

Heck, I'm thankful Dr. Wertham's not alive period.

I'm also thankful that some trampy horned up farmgirl isn't holding a ladle in front of her breast and offering me milk, and that I'm not as desperately lonely and depraved as whoever drew this panel.

The Franchise Sings Out!

Big Monkey Comics Radio (formerly known as "SuperHero Radio") is proud to announce the acquisition of some songs from The Franchise.

They've been kind enough to give us a live recording of their song "Superhero", as performed at Washington DC's famous "Black Cat" nightclub. It's now in rotation and being aired on BMCRadio. When the studio version is done (soon), we'll put that up, too.

Superhero (barak/kaye)

CHORUS: I want to be a superhero and wear my underwear on the outside I want to be a superhero The kind evildoers can’t abide


I’ll go to the laboratory To get a chemical spill
If that doesn’t work, Then the radiation certainly will

CHORUS

I’ll build a secret lair At the bottom of a really long stair
And I’ll do experiments there About making muggers learn to care

CHORUS

I’ll work at a newspaper For a tyrannical boss
And I’ll report on how My career’s a total loss

CHORUS

When we get a better version of their song "Rorshach", we'll air that, too!.

And remember, if you, your band, or your friend's band has a superhero-themed song, just send it to us here at the Absorbascon and we'll see to it it's played on Big Monkey Comics Radio.

The Unloved

In discussions about "Character Donations" and what characters should be revived and which forgotten, I've been told more than once: "Remember, every character is someone's favorite."

To which I say...

Balderdash. Poppycock. Piffel.

Now, I understand the sentiment. I, myself, have an appreciation for some characters that many people do not (fools! the utter fools!).

I guess some people's minds just aren't strong to handle the glories of the like of Vibe, the Golden Age Starman, the Penny Plunderer, and THE AWESOME HUMAN FLYING FISH. Their loss!

And when such people prattle on about how such characters are "lame" (usually without any elaboration as to what that means) I can't help but warm up the uzi. So I understand the sentiment ... in principle.

But come now. Halo? Kadaver? Penny Dreadful? The Yazz? Cobalt Blue? Sleez? Any of the 427 crappy characters created by Threat to Society Mike W. Barr? These are not anyone's favorite characters -- not outside Arkham, anyway.

A character does not need to be anyone's favorite to be a legitimate and useful addition to the DCU. But there should be limits, don't you think? And if so, what are they?

Confess! What characters do YOU love that you get made fun of for loving? I promise not to say a word!

Morrisonian Haiku

You all think I'm crazy, don't know? I hear you whispering about me. But it's true, I tell ya -- writers intentionally have their heroes speak in Heroic Haiku, knowing that, subconsiously, we'll perceive them as more heroic that way. The Dalai Lama told me so.

Besides, you think things like THIS happen accidently?

• You misunderstand.
• I'm here to help you with that.
• Blow the hatch, Quintum!

Courtesy of Grant Morrison in All-Star Superman 1 (thanks to Jeff R for pointing it out).

As we all know, if Grant Morrison posted his grocery shopping list on the internet, within 24 hours fans would have it anagrammed into a subtle social satire on the commercialization of art leading to the commodification of ideas.

So, Morrisonians, what haiku can you compose to explicate or reply to Superman's heroic haiku?

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

Comic Book Irony

I mention "Comic Book Irony" a lot, and someone has finally asked me to explain what I mean. Note particularly 2a in the definition below (American Heritage):

• 1a. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.
• b. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
• c. A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect.
• 2a. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs: “Hyde noted the irony of Ireland's copying the nation she most hated” (Richard Kain).
• b. An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity.

Comic books teem with quiet irony. Well, mostly not so quiet. For example, see the panel above; in case you didn't get it, Catwoman's getaway being tripped up by a cat is IRONIC! If you don't notice it yourself, the narration panel points it out; if you skip that, Batman himself points it out for you. Jeez, you'd think they were writing for kids or something.

Here's another, one we've shared before: Death by Kryptonite Monkey. Poor clark; nothing's more embarrassing than having your obituary read "died of Kryptonite monkey related causes." Still, it would have given Beppo a FABulous "I shall avenge you!" scene; ah, well.

"Death by Kryptonite Monkey" is a multi-layered irony (unlike the simple cat-tripping irony above). Instead of dying glorious in battle saving Lois, Metropolis, the world, or the universe, Kal-El is about to die as Clark Kent face down in the dirt in some dark, forgotten corner of a public zoo (what kind of place IS Metropolis, anyway?).

Furthermore, his death is entirely accidental; the monkey isn't trying to kill him, no one is trying to use the monkey to kill him. In further irony, Luthor, who's been trying to kill Superman since God was a corporal, doesn't kill him. Supes is killed by an irradiated monkey abandoned from one of Luthor's experiments with kryptonite, and Luthor knows nothing about it and never would.

This is the PERFECT death for Superman. With all due deference to Alan Moore (oh, wait; I'm not allowed to use his name, am I?) this should have been "The Last Superman Story".

Both panels show another aspect of comic book irony: the characters are aware of it, and note it to others or themselves in no uncertain terms. Try it yourself and you'll see why they do it; find the opportunity to say "irony of ironies" to someone at least once a week. It's fun.

The comic book medium is so thoroughly saturated with irony, that we take it for granted, like fish who can't see the water. Peter Parker lets a robber escape because it's no business of his, then the robber kills his uncle. Delicate fop Ted Knight is the ubervirile Starman. The world's strongest man is a mild-mannered milksop. Apathetic playboy Bruce Wayne is the grim caped crusader. Two-Face becomes the very thing that destroyed Harvey Dent-- a gangster with a two-headed coin. Wonder Woman champions peace by beating the crap out of people. Slowpoke Barry Allen becomes the world's fastest man. The universe's most powerful weapon is run by the universe's least powerful brain. Oh, the comic book irony!

When I went to see M. Night Shamalyan's two films, "The Sixth Sense" and "Unbreakble", I knew the 'surprise' ending of each film about 7 minutes into the movie. My non-comic book reading friends were nonplussed; "how on EARTH did you figure that out so soon?" they stuttered.

Please! "And it turned out... I was one of them, too!" is the ending of at least 47 different EC horror stories. An ironic ending is what comic book readers expect; I didn't even understand that the endings were SUPPOSED to be suprises until my friends told me so. Oh, you mean, we weren't supposed to realize the guy with the bizarre disability, with a matching knickname given by cruel children, and wearing a purple outfit is the villain? Yeesh!

But if irony -- an incongruous, unexpected outcome -- is what we've come to expect in comic books, then is it still irony?

Topping off the Team

The final member of our all-gay heroclix team?

Why, Topo. of course! They don't call him "Top - o" for nothing...

Yes, the master of sweet sweet octopus love and Aquaman's one true love, Topo, is ready to lend a helping tentacle to his fellow lambdaclixes.

In a game, he makes an excellent water taxi and surprised opponents, overwhelmed by Topo's sex appeal (and Elasticity) find it next to impossible to breakaway from his clammy polysuckered embrace. Shudder.

I must confess I don't understand it; I don't want to. But face it, cephalopodophilia is here to stay.

Character Donations 107-111

Boy, big crossovers make you realize something:
we don't need all these extra characters cluttering up the DC Universe!

Time for that cross-company yardsale that the Absorbascon and Seven Hells like to call "Character Donations". Let's clear out some excess baggage, characters who aren't need now, certainly won't be needed after IC is done, and that Marvel might actually get some good use out of.

How about ... Doomsday, Conduit, Ruin, Bane, Hush, and Azrael?

All of them are "Living Plot Points" more than actual characters and, if there's any kind of retconning that comes as part of Infinite Crisis, the plots they are part of probably won't remain in continuity. DC can do without them (in fact, is doing without them already).

Marvelish names. All of 'em. And they could be fun at Marvel. Doomsday could be the social director on Monster Island. Conduit's your basic mutant freak (fess up; you don't even remember Conduit, do you?), Ruin and Azrael are all about the armored costumes, and Hush, well, Marvel doesn't have a mummy guy, whereas DC's got Negative Man and the Unknown Soldier.

Heck, at Marvel you could band them together as, say, the "Superfluous Six". They could have an annual meeting to decide which hero/antihero to pick on, and then hack away at him for a year in yer basic Marvel "trial by fire /test of character" storyline.

Free the Superfluous Six ... to go to Marvel!

Dream Team: the Fishers of Men

Our all-gay heroclix team is shaping up nicely!

In fact, if it continues to be this easy to find members, it may become an entire expansion set. After all, from now on Heroclix expansion sets are supposed to have themes! What would we call it? "Castro Odyssey"? "Collateral Dupont"? "Pooftertime"? I like Pooftertime...

Our two new additions are certain to make a splash: the Fisherman and Koryak.

The Fisherman is one of Aquaman's "longtime foes", seen recently in Villains United, known behind his back as "Little Miss Bondage and Discipline". The hood/helmet. The rod. The nets and restraints. The leather boots/shirtless with harness look. I mean, REALLY. Life goal? Tying down blond hunk Aquaman. You can bet the Fisherman has the last couple pages of Alex Ross's "Justice" issue #2 laminated and on his nightstand, and leaves a message every hour on Brainiac's machine: "Hey, Brainy, it's me again, the Fisherman. I hear you have Aquaman. Strapped down on a table. Do you ... need any help with that? I mean, I could spot you while you go out for lunch or something? I'll pay for lunch even..."

As for Koryak, well, I mean... it's Koryak. Duh. By the way, Koryak...

nice necklace!

Sub Diego 92101: Tempest and Koryak

To celebrate Aquaman getting his own tv show, we've been casting one of our own, using the current comic's cast. We've already picked Aquaman and Aquagirl (Jason Lewis and Rosario Dawson). Who will play Koryak and Tempest?

Tempest -- well, my own opinion is obvious: Mike Zagari, seen here signing something. Mike's sex appeal is off the charts, and Tempest could really use the boost. Of course, if Mike played Tempest, then I'd insist on playing Dolphin. So, try hard to come out with a better suggestion for who should play Tempest.


Koryak is tougher, particularly if you want someone even roughly ethno-accurate. Now, I personally have seen every movie made in the Inuit language, but still can't think of an appropriate Inuit (Eskimo) actor. Someone Asian or Amerind will have to do, I guess.

Here are some suggestions of my own:

Eddie Spears or his brother Michael Spears.
Kalani Queypo maybe.

But really, the part needs someone physically BIG. Koryak's a shtarker. We need a younger Jason Scott Lee.

Any suggestions?

Quote Poll

It was no surprise in last week's hotly contested Quote Poll that the Original Superman won in the end. The Joker came out 2nd, and Hawkgirl took 3rd.

This week in early voting, The Shark and Jimmy Olsen are tied, followed closely by Black Hand. Fact is, they're currently eyeing one other nervously backstage now! I can see them on my monitor: I think Jimmy's about to shake hands with Black Hand, while the Shark looks on, smiling -- very widely. Don't worry about the Shark, Jimmy: he only eats brains.


The Shark's "need more brain" quote is pithy, and funny yet horrible, considering that this updated version of the Shark grows more intelligent by eating other people's brains. I love this quote because it explains why Hal Jordan isn't afraid of The Shark.

Jimmy Olsen says "I looked it up on my superwatch." The context of the quote is irrelevant (besides, it's a Morrison story, so context doesn't help anyway). But it's a perfect geeky sentence, one that encapsulates Jimmy's role as an annoying little sycophant who STILL gets to hang out with superheroes. Every comic fan who reads it immediately thinks two things, simultaneously: "Geez, Jimmy--what a cheeseheaded goober you are with your 'superwatch' !!" and "Dang it, if only I had a superwatch!"

Black Hand's "how nice" quote? Well, if you haven't read Green Lantern this week, trust me: this is a creepy quote, and one that signals Black Hands immediate conversion from a D Listed remembered only in the pages of the DC Encyclopedia to a pillar of Hal Jordan's horror-laden rogue's gallery of Sci-Fi Channel escapees.

"Anton, take me away!"

Hey, it's George Little's grandpa!

Heh, actually, it's the latest addition to our all-gay heroclix team. Ladies and gentlemen, put your white-gloved hands together for Mr. Hard to Get, that master accessesorizer ...

The fabulous Fadeaway Man!

He's a tuxedo-clad antiquities collector named Anton Lamont, with Simon Stagg hair moussed halfway to Jesus and back, sporting a vicious Van Dyke, whose superpower is the ability to go "poof" with his sparkly Liberacesque opera cape.

Phew! After all the tons of testorone added to the team by Vibe, Bulletman, and (mostly) Bulletgirl, we finally have someone who can go shopping with the Red Bee (while Mr. Scarlet and Pinky are at the gym, spotting each other).

Deathstroke staggers away from his collage a trois with Mr. S and the Whiz Kid, wearing little else but his absurd pirate boots, the Travis Morgan tatters of his costume, and his eye-patch. POOF! Up pops the Fadeaway Man, enveloping Slade in his magic cloak. "Nice hair; nice beard!" Anton compliments. "Let me draw you into my folds and take you places you've never been; come, let us away..."

Pretty in Pink

My dream of a flamingly all-gay heroclix team takes a leap toward reality! Imagine yourself sitting across the heroclix map; you've already seen The Red Bee, Vibe, Bulletman, Bulletgirl, placed against you, and then you spy:

Mr. Scarlet and Pinky

Tell me you wouldn't PLOTZ!

I'd put Mr. Scarlet in front, with Pinky dashing eagerly to support Mr. S from behind. I'm not sure whether it's strategically sensible, but it will look fabulous.

Deathstroke, stumbling blindly from his unpleasant encounters with the Red Bee and Vibe would get blasted, first by Bulletman and then by Bulletgirl (who would have Charge or perhaps Hypersonic Speed). Suffering from knockback, Deathstroke falls several space back right into the open waiting arms of

Mr. Scarlet and Pinky.

• "Come, old chum," Mr. Scarlet rings out. "Let's give this evildoer a double dose of incarnadine justice!"
• "Gosh, yes, Mr. S!" Pinky chimes in. "We'll give him the old Crimson Dog Pile!"
• "N-no," Deathstroke stammers. "Please, no..."

DC's Ethical Trinity

The current clash between the Big Three -- Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman -- is interesting not just for its ramifications for the DCU, but for the ethical conflict it symbolizes.

For decades now, Batman and Superman have been presented, more or less, as opposites. Night and day, scary and inspiring, aggressive and passive, violent and pacificistic, anti-authoritarian and authoritarian, urban and rural, wealthy and poor, etc.

And, Wonder Woman was, um... a woman. And she stood for, ah, peace through ... strength. Or, or, something like that.

But Wonder Woman's recent murder of Max Lord has made crystal clear what we should have known all along: the Big Three represent different ethical theories.

Superman represents idealistic Moral Absolutism: what's wrong is wrong.

Batman represents pragmatic Rule-based Utilitarianism: we must all operate by universal rules that would keep society safe and workable ("Thou shalt not kill.")

Wonder Woman represents Situational Ethics: It's not that simple to figure out right and wrong, and it changes with each situation depending on how much harm is done to how many people.


These characterizations aren't unrealistic; in fact, most men are either moral absolutists or utilitarians and most women are situational ethicists. To women, men's understanding of "justice" seems narrowminded, hidebound, and simplistic. To men, women's understanding of "justice" seems fickle, subjective, and uselessly fuzzy.

I could expound on this observation about DC's Ethical Trinity (endlessly-- just ask any of my oh so patient friends...), but I would rather listen to YOU discuss this idea and whether it's dead on or dead wrong; please do!

In either case, it still contributes to my belief that DC characters are more iconic because they represent philosophical archtypes whereas Marvel character are less iconic because they represent psychological archtypes.

Big Monkey Fredericksburg Opens!

Today is a banner today for me! Today, my partners and I open the second "Big Monkey Comics" store, this one in Fredericksburg, VA.

The Shops at Lee's Hill
10667 Spotsylvania Avenue
Fredericksburg, Virginia
(540) 710-1131

Pop in and say hi to Jack (a.k.a. "Merchant Mingus"), or just wish him well via email at jack@bigmonkeycomics.com !!!

Sub Diego Casting: AQUAGIRL

To celebrate the news about the new Aquaman live action TV show, we're casting own our little version of "Sub Diego 92101".

Who should play Lorena "Aquagirl" Marquez?

She should be

25 or younger
Hispanic
saucy
phat-bootied

I have no candidates: suggestions?

The Dream Team Takes a Bullet

Meanwhile, back at the secret headquarters of the Fabulous League of America, in the abandoned underground rail station beneath Dupont Circle, the all-gay heroclix team acquires its next member:

Bulletman!

Bulletman and Bulletgirl pics courtesy of Totaltoyz Dale

Okay, I don't care how "bullet-like" your powers are; putting on that costume is clearly a cry for attention. Special attention. From special people.

"But, but", someone is objecting and ironically mentioning Bulletman's favorite subject. "What about Bulletgirl? Isn't she his girlfriend?"

How cute! I bet you thought Caesar Romero and Ricardo Montalban were straight, didn't you? Anyway, take a good look at Bulletgirl:


Reality check! Bulletgirl has a life-size Power Girl poster on her bedroom ceiling. Bulletgirl vacations on Themiscyra. Bulletgirl has the only complete collection of She-Hulk issues in Fawcett City.

Let's just agree that she and Bulletman are colleagues on this team, and leave it at that...

A Haiku for Your Thoughts

Okay, so, as we've previously discussed, the world is ending. One of the many signs is the Aquaman TV Show, which we are helping to cast. Also, before we all die, I have to complete my Dream Team of Gay Heroclix.

So, why on earth in the midst of all this important stuff are we pausing to hear from, of all people, Joe Coyne, the Penny Plunder?

Is Joe Coyne, who is the greatest one-shot Batman villain of all time, making a meta-commentary on the End of the DCU as we know it? "Ha! I'm safe, having been electrocuted 60 years ago, yet memorialized forever by the Giant Penny in the Batcave! Now the rest of you mokes are going to be rubbed out by red skies again, while my Giant Penny remains!"

Whatever he means, it's pretty important since he takes the trouble to say it ... in haiku.

• So long! Here's two cents--
• That's all your lives will be worth
• in a little while!

What haiku can you compose to explain Joe's taunts, comfort us during the End Times, or link Joe to the events of Infinite Crisis in a crossover?

Give us your two cents!

Sub Diego 92101

Well, as I'm sure you've read about 100 times by now, Aquaman's getting his own live-action television show. I told you we were living in the End Times!

Although it's sparked by the Smallville episode with "A.C." Curry, it won't be in direct continuity with it, and the part of Aquaman will be re-cast. Pretty as Alan Ritchson is (and they don't come much prettier, folks), I think the show's producers want someone who can swim and act. Hey, this is the WB: we know how important quality and accuracy are to them! That's why they'll be working in essential features of the Aquaman myth (like his mother disappearing in the Bermuda Triangle) and jettisoning tangential deadweight (like his ability to control sealife). But I digress.

Now, we all know that Jason Lewis is the person who needs to play Aquaman. We figured this out when we were casting "Vibe: The Movie, Meng!". Actually, it was Devon's suggestion, and since Devon erreth not, that's that.

Since they're setting it in Florida, we may not see any of the current supporting cast. But let's pretend, shall we? Let's help the WB get it right by suggesting the REST of the cast of what we'll call "Sub Diego 92101", specifically:

• Lorena "Aquagirl" Marquez
• Captain Malrey
• Vulko, um, what is his last name?
• Koryak Curry (*sigh*)
• Garth "Aqualad", um, what is his last name?
• Dr. "No, I'm not an OMAC!" Geist
• Black Manta Esther Maris, Girl Science Reporter
• Topo, Aquaman's, er, "pal"
• Mera "Aquabitch", um, what is her last name?

NO SUGGESTIONS YET, PLEASE! We'll be casting them one at time; just put on your thinking caps, and get ready.

Meanwhile, please feel free to contribute what criteria an actor would have to meet in order to play any of these parts or what WB plots you expect to see...

Scipio's Dream Team

Continuing my dream of an all-gay team of Heroclix...

Hm, let's balance out the poofterosity of Red Bee, his puffy sleeves, and his "Significant Apian", Michael, with a really MACHO figure. I speak, of course, of

VIBE!

Oh, I hear you snickering. "Shyeah, Scip! Vibe's REAL macho in that outfit!" Yeah, well, shows what YOU know! Dude grew up in the Detroit barrio wearing yellow Barbara Eden pants, a loose neckerchief, a striped grapehugger, red Capezios, and a green hipslouching Jennifer Beals "I'm yours for a cigarette" fashion belt -- WITHOUT get killed. It's your classic "Boy Named Sue" story, folks. Vibe's the Toughest One There is.

He's so macho, in fact, you may find it hard to believe he belongs on the team! That's okay; that's what people think about Vin Diesel, too.... Trust me, when those two say they can "pop and lock" they ain't just talkin' breakdancing, meng.

Naturally, Vibe would have Quake, Energy Explosion, and Ranged Combat Expert. Combat Reflexes, too, like any expert breakdancer would.

As Deathstroke flees the bees of Rick ("Please, call me Richard") Reilly, he runs around the corner smack into Paco ("The Human Vibrator") Ramone. "I'm gong to rrrock jor worl', meng!" laughs Vibe as he "quakes" Deathstroke, who bounces off a nearby wall, thinking, "oh, that guy is SO much better than Terra it's not even funny!"

Scipio's Dream

I have a new dream: fielding an all-gay Heroclix team!

This week, I'll devote my entire fortune and countless hours in the gym and the lab to realizing this dream. Let's start with the obvious:

The Red Bee!

Red Bee custom clix courtesy of Totaltoyz Dale

He needs the Poison and Quake powers, of course. I'd put him on my team just so's I could see Deathstroke running from a swarm of unhappy honeybees, vainly swatting the air with his ridiculous pokey stick and pigsticker, while experiencing thousands of stabbing pains with 90 percent of his brain capacity. Oh, the Red Bee could put the hurting on that ... that one-eyed monster!

Like me, Blockade Boy is a fan of the Red Bee and even volunteered him a fashion makeover, because even the most superstitious and cowardly criminals are seldom cowed by the sight of a man in diaphanous pink pirate sleeves (it's actually beekeepers mesh, you know; I mean, it... it has to be). BB and I both agree, if either of us ever gets a pet bee, it will be named "Michael".

I don't understand why people make fun of the Red Bee. Nothing spells "beatstick" like a buzzing beltful of angry bees. Trust me, if you met someone with a honey-dripping apiary cinch you wouldn't say, "what a poofter!" you'd say, "EEEEKKKK!!!!"

Speaking of "Eeeek!", Wizkids simply MUST make a Blue Devil clix for my team....

Poll Madness!

Oh, gracious!

The vote is already HOT and HEAVY in this week's Best Quote Poll. The current leaders are neck and neck...

The Joker: "That's not funny."

Lots of "Big Stuff" happens in comics. But something sobering enough to make the Joker stop laughing...! The last time I remember the Joker seeming truly sad about his lot in life was right after he shot Sarah Essen-Gordon. Then, as now, he almost seemed to have realized that his "humor" had backfired; he'd gone far enough that even he noticed it wasn't funny. With this quote, the Joker struggles with the fact that though his wildness has made him supreme, it's marginalized him, cutting him out from the biggest event since sliced bread.

Original Superman: "I finally realized -- we saved the wrong Earth."

Pardon Superman's misspelling; breaking down dimensional barriers is tiring, so I'm sure he merely mispoke. With this quote, the original Superman -- heck, the original superhero -- condemns the entire post-Crisis DCU and casts himself as possibly the "villain" of the piece. Strong stuff indeed.

Hawkgirl: "Someone in the crowd's been OMACtivated!"

The other two quotes require a good deal of context to understand, which weakens their stand-alone impact. But anyone who's read any DC comics for the last 6 months has seen a bystander "fin out" into a monocular cyberdrone. If you know what an OMAC is, you get this pun and why it's funny. Hawkgirl's characteristic irreverence and the thrownawayness of the line makes it even funnier ("Duh!" Hawkgirl would say, "What else would you call it?"). Hair-raising quotes are nice, but it's great to have some "comic" in ones comic books, and subtle stuff like this is more enjoyable than broad Plastic-Mannish commentary.

Of course, the eeriness of Beast Boy's quote and the hilarious synopticality of Sardath's quote have kept them in running as well!

VOTE TODAY!

Another Infinite Thought

Thought from Infinite Crisis #2, pages 2 and 3.

1. I know how you feel, Animal Man; Troia makes me want to throw up, too.

2. There is no "problem at the center of the universe". There is no center of the universe. It's bad enough that Troia is saying it; but hey, she's a photographer not a physicist. But the goldarned Guardians of the Universe have been saying it, too. It's okay if Troia is stupider than I am; it's not okay if the Guardians are.

3. So, "Supergirl", there's no word for 'escape' in Kryptonese? Perhaps that's why no one "escaped" the explosion, huh? That's the kind of idiotic, poorly thought out flourish I'd expect from Marv Wolfman, not Geoff Johns; Marv, give Geoff the pen back! What Supergirl has claimed is pretty much linguistically impossible. "Escape" isn't an obscure concept; any culture whose members face any danger has the concept, and so, will have some word to denominate it. If nothing else, they have a word for "exit" or "get out" or "evade" or "avoid".

So either the writers are being really stupid here or Supergirl is. My money's on Supergirl. I'm kind of hoping the preservation of the universe (or multiverse or whatever) winds up depending on Power Girl dismembering and consuming all of Supergirl so as to subsume her place in reality. No "escape" for Supergirl!

An Infinite Thought

A thought from Infinite Crisis, Issue 2, Page 1.

I knew this already; I believe I actually posted about it before: Buddy Baker still lives in San Diego. You know, the dry place adjacent to Sub Diego. They use to have a zoo.

Anyway, I assume that Buddy will still exist after IC is over. The man's a literary cockroach; he'll survive.

So.

Aquaman can use some extended 'family'; Buddy's got nothing else to do (superhero-wise). Buddy's just as useful underwater as any fish; I recall he once defeated a Thaganarian warrior that way, during "Invasion". He wouldn't be able to talk, I guess, but if anybody could carry off a silent partner role without being diminished by it, it would be Buddy..

He could help bridge the divide between the Sub and San Diegos, help us learn about marine life, and, face it, Aquaman could use the comic relief.

DC, give us Animal Man as part of Aquaman's 'extended dynasty'!

Superhypocrisy