Top Five Crisis Makeovers: Batman?!

3. Batman.

Yes. Batman. Oh, it wasn't flashy like the Dr. Light and Firehawk makeovers. And it didn't happen in Crisis on Infinite Earths on panel, but it happened nonetheless.

Let's see what Batman was like during Crisis.



A wide-eyed goober, superpowerless from the waist down AND the waist up.

Sorry, gang. I'd love to blame Wolfman for this, but I can't. That's really how the Bronze Age Batman was.

In the Bronze Age JLA, even Aquaman could hit hard. But useless (Hi, Marv!) Batman mostly got stuck just piloting some Batvehicle. He spent all his time hanging out with -- how do I put this in a loving and supportive way? -- third-rate schmoes. Elongated Man,Metamorpho, the Metal Men, Katana, Halo, GeoForce. Is it any wonder the only constructive thing the Bronze Age Batman could do in Crisis was knock out Calendar Man. Heck, I could knock out Calendar Man. Marsha Mallow could knock out Calendar Man.

DC made a huge deal out of re-starting Superman and Wonder Woman, post-Crisis. Clever bit of misdirection, that. Yeah, Clark and Diana shed lots of their excess backstory in a big hypertime yard sale (I was there, and let me tell you, Alex Ross and Phil Jimenez are vicious little shoppers ....!). But, when you come right down to it, their personalities and costumes stayed nearly identical to their pre-Crisis versions.

But Batman? Well, this is Batman post-Crisis:


And that's before Jason got killed and he started to turn really scary.

The modern age Batman can star simultaneously in 11 different titles, guest-star in 3 others, appear in the second issue of every new series, and alienate the superhero community and the GCPD, while cobbling together a world-threatening omniscient artificial intelligence in his spare time. The post-Crisis Batman is more like the Golden Age one; he can defeat the arsenal of a terrorist country using only a paper clip and a Q-tip, increase voter turn-out through sheer force of will, and automatically cause anyone within a twenty-foot radius to have 34 percent fewer cavities. The modern Batman doesn't stand around uselessly during a Crisis ... he causes it. You show 'em, B-man!

Fooey on all those of you who think you want back the pre-Crisis Batman because this one "is a jerk"; I say you've forgotten what he was like. The post-Crisis Batman was the REAL Sensational Character Makeover of 1986, and don't you forget it!

"I'll get you for this, Scipio! Halo, help me!"

Help From the Experts

My friend Sean Fahey of CHUD needs some help:

Need some help from the pros...

I'm trying to find all of the issues that comprise the
No Man's Land story (including Catalyst and
Aftershock).

I know it's expansive - and runs through Detective,
Batman, Legends, Shadow, and Chronicles.

I also know there were some one-shots and some issues
of Catwoman, Robin, Nightwing and Azreal that touched
on it.

My eternal gratitude for anyone that comes up with a
complete list.

Naturally, Devon, who erreth not, at Seven Hells, came up with the basic list:

Batman 563-569, 571, 572, 573, 574

Batman:Shadow of The Bat 83-88, 92, 93, 94

'Tec 730-736, 738, 739, 740 & 741

Batman:No Man's Land # 0-1

Batman: Legends of The Dark Knight #116, 117, 119, 120, 121, 125, 126

Batman Chronicles 16, 18

But if you know of any other issues in other series that tie directly into No Man's Land, please let Sean know via email at
scfahey@yahoo.com.

Riddle Me This ...

Who's the only DCU character who lives on Earth-Prime?

Top Five Crisis Makeovers: Firehawk

4. Firehawk

There are a lot of bad people in Crisis on Infinite Earths: the Crime Syndicate, the Anti-Monitor, the Joker, Sugar & Spike.

But by far the worst is Lorraine Reilly, a.k.a. "Firehawk".

Thousands of universes very much like your own have been destroyed and the culprit is still at large. The five remaining universes are impinging upon one another, causing temporospatial disruptions that have halted quotidian civilization. An unconscious Justice League member has just died by violently exploding in the room next to you while you're on the JLA satellite, destroying a good chunk of it and rupturing the outer hull. Civilians and colleagues are immediately imperiled, and your boyfriend is struggling to save the faithful and much beloved Martian Manhunter, who is nearly dead from the fire. You, fortunately, have godlike powers of molecular reconstruction, as if you were Dr. Manhattan of the Watchmen. What do you do?

Why, design a new costume, silly! AND re-do your hair.

"Look at me, Ronnie," she pesters Firestorm, distracting the only other person who could fix the situation.

"Do you like my new outfit? I copied the design from the side of a landrover I saw in Arizona on winter break. Do you think it draws too much attention to my breast, tee-hee? Am I prettier than Killer Frost now? Did you notice how my cuffs match my hair?"

I mean, how bad is it when even Ronnie Raymond, the only person ever to lose a Scrabble game against Lana Lang, notices that your behavior is idiotically inappropriate?

And still the outfit is hideous.

Crisis on Infinite Haikuesdays

Despite being hundreds of pages long, there is no heroic haiku in Crisis on Infinite Earths. The stuttering, self-pitying, sob-sisters of the Wolfmanverse do not speak thus.

There is, however, haiku of uselessness, ignorance, and doubt. Marv loves those.



"I do not know what
happened here ... do not know who
any of them were--"

Exactly the kind of pathetic, haltering haiku you'd expect from Pariah, one of the most fittingly named characters in comic book history.

PLEASE tell me you can do better than Pariah or at least make fun of him in haiku, so we can get SOME entertainment out of COIE!

Top Five Crisis Makeovers: Dr. Light

5. Dr. Light

As soon as vicious emasculating astrophysibitch Dr. Kimoyo Hoshi makes her grand entrance brandishing a sharp-edged clipboard of doom, you know she's got the makings of a great villain:

"Silence, you miserable toad."

Way to keep those boot-licking post-docs in line, Kim! Best thing is, she doesn't even waste an exclamation point on the verbal squashing, and this is in COIE, where people say, "Pass the salt -- now, before it's ... too late!" Clearly, lines like "silence, you miserable toad" fall off her teeth-baring lips as easily as "hey, guys" does off ours.

After getting light-based powers, she'd have been perfect as the new archenemy of the Golden Age Starman; she's even got the right nom de guerre. But no. She's just another living plot point for Wolfman, a mechanism for showing that Supergirl's death is inspiring.

Didn't stick, of course. She remained a bitter, reluctant hero, burdened by her powers and a perfect candidate for a Character Donation to Marvel. As a result, no one really liked her and, if you ask me, the JLA mindwiped the wrong Dr. Light. When the real Dr. Light finally showed up to close her like his Christmas Savings Account of power, readers were more relieved than outraged.

But the new outfit, her own version of the classic black & white Dr. Light uniform? So stylish, so elegant; slimming, too. Lose the silly Scarlet Witch tiara and she'd be a stunner walking the red carpet to the Eisners, holding on to Sunburst's arm.

Riddle Me This

Why is it that

DC's funniest villain, the Joker, is the scariest villain in comics

and

Marvel's scariest villain, Dr. Doom, is the funniest villain in comics?


Discuss.

Ambushed!

This just in from the world of Heroclix!

The following figures are confirmed as being in the forthcoming "Collateral Damage" set of DC Heroclix.

Doctor Mid-Nite [much anticipated!]
Clayface (in the animated style) [as he's now being portrayed in the normal DCU]
Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner) [with hair-gelling action!]
Mary Marvel [Shazam!]
Kalibak [Zzzzzzzz...]
Superman (but which is unknown) [not a silly Elseworlds again, I hope]
Azrael [*sigh*]
Ambush Bug [FREAKING INSANE! Good for you, DC! Are Sugar & Spike pogs inevitable now?]
OMAC (generic) [the one generic people will be THRILLED to pull!]
Captain Cold (Calculator Team) [no "Rogues Ability" I guess!"
Dr. Light (the JLA villain) [COOL!]
Captain Boomerang (Owen) (Unique) [The Rogues expand!]
Ragman [Wild! The 'new Swamp Thing', I suppose.]
Black Mask [Someone for Director Bones to go shopping with]

Zowie! I like the looks of it so far. While I'm no fan of Ambush Bug -- never have been, never will be -- his inclusion in the set sends a strong signal of the "new DC" attitude: we don't WHAT it is, if it's in the DCU, we will give it love... and maybe you will, too!

COIE: The Death Game!

Life's a game, it has been said; so, why not death?

Again, without looking it up, how many of the named characters who were killed (regardless of whether they stayed dead) in Crisis on Infinited Earths can you remember?

Here, I'll even give you a helpful start....

Supergirl
Flash (Barry Allen)....

COIE: the Wavering Self-Doubt Game!

COIE Games: the Wavering Self-Doubt Game!

"I... I don't know if I can handle this game;
what if my mental powers are not up to the task? I'm so scared!"

As you'll recall, Wavering Self-Doubt is one for the four allowable types of statement in Marv Wolfman's Crisis on Infinite Earths. Without looking it up, can you figure out which characters spoke or thought the following examples of Wolfmanesque Wavering Self-Doubt?

1. "With all my powers ... I can't save any of them. I ... feel so useless."

2. "I use to revel in my powers, but when I need them the most -- they're useless. It's ironic, isn't it?"

3. "I can do nothing more than cry."

4. "Instead of saving the earth, I could be committing suicide!"

5. "It's begun and I ... I can't even help."

6. "Can I fight them? Or could they destroy me?"

7. "I'm way outta my league. So what in blazes do I do about it?"

8. "Monitor, why us? Surely there are others with greater powers!"

9. "How did this happen without my knowing about it?"

10. "Now I feel so useless, so helpless, so worthless -- and so very, very scared."

11. "I keep getting these feelings. Feelings that say bad things are happening ... and even if they never get any better-- they're sure going to get a heckuva lot worse!"

12. "But it's useless, none of us has the power to stop it."

13. "I ... I was useless before ... now I'm helpless, too."

14. "And I wonder, am I playing a game meant for young folk only?"

15. "It will take time to recharge ... I ... I can't do anything now."

16. "I ... I don't understand any of this!"

17. "I .. I haven't got long before I'm powerless to stop it. Trouble is, I know what's going to happen to me if I'm successful."

18. "I -- I feel like I don't belong on that earth. I belong elsewhere. I belong out here ... in the void ... in this nothingness."

19. "I'm using all my atomic force, but it's useless against him."

20. "You want me to absorb a sun's energy? I -- I don't know if I can."

COIE: The Name Game!

Let's find some games in COIE; that might produce enough fun to distract us from the blood seeping from the corner of our eyes as a result of reading Wolfman's prose.

Here's a trivia quiz...


The characters the Flash talks to in the first panel and saves in the final panel do not get their names mentioned (unlikely virtually every other character who appears). Who are they?

COIE: Favorites in Action!

Okay, let's see...

If we're going to try to find some fun in The Horror That Was COIE (Crisis on Infinite Earths), I guess the first sensible place to start is with appearances by our special favorites. Yes, yes! That's something everyone liked about COIE; everyone (other the Inferior Five) appeared in it, so whoever you love has almost got to be there, even if only in one panel. Unless, it's, you know, like, the Bug-Eyed Bandit.

Who's our favorite? STARMAN!

Surely, with the melodrama gushing from every benday dot on every page, Starman would be a natural for COIE. Let's take a look!He's flying! And firing! And... hm. That's it, huh? No haiku? No lines at all? Not even lit from below? Okay, that's a bust, then. Well, I can't blame Wolfman, I guess. I mean, it's not as if the villain's plot hinged upon the use of some giant machine that collected stellar energy like his cosmic rod.
What next? Oh, I know: stripped down rock hard personification of justice UNCLE SAM! We love Uncle Sam! Let's see what that halfnaked slab of patriot power can REALLY do!
Oh. He talks. And talks. And talks some more. While wearing clothes. Hm. Let's read the minds of his audience and see how inspiring that is....

AQUAMAN: "Eyes--rolling up into head--must--remain conscious!"
HUNTRESS: "On Earth-2, this would be over by now. On Earth-2, the bad guy would have already fallen into a vat of acid. On Earth-2, I could shoot an arrow through the old guy's forehead."
JUDOMASTER: "That's it, I'm joing the Axis. And stop cutting my face in half!!!!"
PHANTOM LADY: "I want him so bad, I just can't stand it any more. Please Sam, show us the white hot sword of victory..."
SARGON: "With each passing paragraph, I, Sargon the Sorceror, am feeling increasing EVIL."
JEMM, SON OF SATURN: "ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Oops. Well, I sure that the viewing audience and the readership is inspired to--
Okay; maybe not. That's okay; that's alright. Inspiration like Uncle Sam's is undauntable. As Sam always says, a good man always rises.

I said,

"A good man always rises", Sam!

Well, perhaps we'll get a few words from Sam later, after his, er, nap.

PLEASE tell me we can salvage at least ONE DECENT moment with one of the Absorbascon favorites. A mind-controlled Black Condor does get to sock the Golden Age Hawkman with the silly yellow hood on, but it's not really a fabulous moment. We need a fabulous moment, we need--

Ah HA.

What we NEED is....


Vibe doing "the Robot" to celebrate his victory over Plasmus.

Phew! I feel SO much better now! You're dang right vibration is madmade, baby!

See? You can always rely on Vibe, people; he's the man.


P.S. The Bug-Eyed Bandit DID get a panel-- and dialog (unlike Vibe and Starman).

Crisis, The Absorbascon way...

The Absorbascon has its own way of looking at things. This week, in celebration of the beginning of "Infinite Crisis", we turn that look toward its revered and industry-shaking predecessor, "Crisis on Infinited Earths" (COIE).

Which remains one of the worst things I have ever read in my life.

The Plot

Despite a multiverse teeming with thousands of an interesting characters with decades-worth of reader-resonance, the plot is instead based on five add-ink-and-stir "Living Plot Points" (a term I learned here from an Asorbascommenter): the Monitor, the Anti-Monitor, Harbinger, Pariah, and Alexander Luthor (plus, for no apparent reason other than someone's sexual fixation on Suzanne Powter, Lady Quark). Why did an editor not stop this insanity?

"Oh, but the beautiful moment of X was so touching I still cry when I think about it!", someone reading this now is about to type. For those who haven't COIE, I'll review those beautiful moments for you...

Supergirl's heroic sacrifice teaches Batgirl what it means to be a hero, inspiring a Steely Resolve to follow in her footsteps.
Flash's heroic sacrifice teaches Kid Flash what it means to be a hero, inspiring a Steely Resolve to follow in his footsteps.
Supergirl's heroic sacrifice teaches Dr. Light what it means to be a hero, inspiring a Steely Resolve to follow in her footsteps.
Wildcat's heroic sacrifice teaches Yolanda Montez what it means to be a hero, inspiring her to stagger around drunk in a Catwoman costume on rooftops, saying everything once in choppy Spanish, then again in English, as if she's on ?Que Pasa, USA?. "Yo soy el *hic* neuvo Wildcat!"; tee-hee, of course you are, dear!

Oh, there's also 256 examples of "X throws himself into the anti-matter wall" or "Y stops X from throwing himself into the anti-matter wall", both of which are considered nobly brave, except when they are criticized as stupidly futile.


Dialogue (but only because I have no other word for it)

Marv Wolfman, Dean of the Magna Kahn School of Dramatic Monologue, writes dialogue which is alternatingly so mind-numbing and so grating that one can only survive reading it by imagining yourself in a less stressful situation; I manage to read it by picturing myself as a baby seal being clubbed to death by a sadistic Japanese sailor. Wolfman handles DC's thousands of precious character gems by reducing them to exactly four styles of speaking: Herospeak, Doomspeak, Streetspeak, and Smartspeak. I can only assume Wolfman was born in the Baxter Building and raised by the Fantastic Four; there's no other explanation.

For variety within each type of "speak", characters get a choice of Stuttering Wonder, Wavering Self-Doubt, Sententious Speechification, and Steely Resolve. Wolfman should really work for the City of Heroes people, writing programs to generate generic word balloons based on the characters chosen profile; he'd be a natural.

MY Steely Resolve

Now, until I bought the trade yesterday, I had not read COIE for 20 years, since it first came out. Why would I, when there's been a new DCU to focus on? That would be likely filling your Wedding Album with pictures of yourself dancing in your underwear with a lampshade on your head with a 43 year old strung out stripper at your bachelor party.

But now with Infinite Crisis focusing so much attention on COIE, I feel the need to find some fun for myself and you all (but mostly myself) in the horror that was COIE, and that's what I'll be doing in the coming week. Marv, care to help me say that?

"Th-the awfulness! The vast sprawling horror of COIE, it's--it's like nothing I've ever seen!

I'm not sure I can handle it; I don't know whether my snarking powers will work against it; I don't see how I can prevail, it seems hopeless.

Yet, in all my years, if I learned one thing, it's that one person can make a difference -- just so as long as he's with other good people, trying to do the same.

So I must try! Too many have died, too much is riding on this; I must NOT give up hope, I will not, for them-- I == MUST == DO IT!"

Test Your Metal Men

I shall make you a fisher of men.

"Nggg Dammit?" Hm, sounds like a Vietnamese name to me...

No, my dear, that's "the Fisherman" an "old foe" of Aquaman.

Wearing a rather, um, naughty-looking new, um,

"rod".

Freudian imagery aside, it's always good to see one of Aquaman's "old foes" and particularly the Fisherman -- he's just one those concepts that can't be fought. If there's going to be a 'fish guy hero' there's going to be a 'fisherman villain' whether you like it or not.

He was in the Silver Age Aquaman.
He was in the Filmation Cartoon.
He was in the famously bizarre and bizarrely famous Aquaman student film (although they called him "The Angler", which is actually a cleverer name).

Darkseid's boots?
Stolen from the Fisherman.
Magneto's hat?
Stolen from the Fisherman.
The Joker's persistent lack of a real name?
Stolen from the Fisherman.

Does he complain? No; complaining is for comic book bloggers, not fishermen.

My father, may he rest in peace, was a professional fishing guide in the wilds of Quebec (which is why I know how to kill a deer with a paper clip and rubber band from 50 yards, and other skills that don't show up on my resume). And from him I learned that the virtue of the fisherman is patience.

The Fisherman waited. Now he's back. He's in Infinite Crisis #1. The Joker, Magneto, and Darkseid aren't.

Bravo, Brownfield

"The essence of wonder is easily sacrificed for the attempt to look cool, even apathetic, in the eyes of our peers. The younger generation, who I see and speak to every day in my classrooms, often seem to embrace groundless cynicism in the face of all things. Certainly, recent and current events have been a strain on the public trust. We know that governments can be corrupt, we know that people (even children) can kill without reason, and we know that in many ways our world is darker than it ever has been. Obviously then, this should be a time for heroes. This should be a time when someone stands up, unafraid, and says, “This is not how things should be”, and, instead of simply stopping at the declaration (which, in the internet age, we’re all good at), leads us into the future."

Thank you, Troy Brownfield, who understands what comic books are for.

Thank you.

Koryak, A Modern Man

Why do people keep insisting that Koryak is gay?

It's silly.

He made one off-hand comment to Lorena (Aquagirl) about admiring Officer Malrey; that's perfectly in keeping with his being a man of the new millenium.

Remember, too, that Koryak is from the Inuit culture, where people don't have the same hang-ups about male-on-male friendship and praise.

There's nothing in his current appearances or his backstory from Peter David's Aquaman to suggest that he's gay. Nothing.

I don't want to hear any more about this, folks. Not. A. Word.

Comic Professional Wanted

My oldest friend in the world is an instructor at Drexel and needs a comic book writer or artist to work with him in teaching a class.

If any lurking creators out there in the Philly area are interested, please contact him at

Matthew J. Kaufhold
Drexel University
Screenwriting & Playwriting Program
University Crossings #054
32nd & Market Streets
Philadelphia, PA 19104
215.895.2408

Radio Drama

Oh, sure -- it easy to create drama when you've got the Big Three at odds with one another, secondary heroes and tertiary villains dropping like flies, and invaders from the multiverse lowering.

But Golden Age Starman? He could create drama with a bald guy preparing to talk into a short-wave radio:

Surely you remember .... THE LIGHT!

Among his innumerable evil deeds, the Light actually discovered sweet sweet octopus love, popularized it among the wicked and weak, then founded an entire League of evil-doing cephalopodophiles.

From what I can gather, he and his legion of 'podophiles must have some plan to weaken worldwide morals and emasculate the fighting forces of the civilized nations through the spread of octopus love to the exclusion of reproductive intercourse. I suspect "the Beaver has been sunk" is some sort of code.

While the raspy voiced Light (only evil people -- and aerobics instructors -- have raspy voices), as always lit heavily from below (hence his name), huddles closely over his insensitive "mike", Starman is just on the other side of the stone wall.

Even Starman's hearing is superior! Despite the earmuffs built into his headgear, he can hear the Light's minatory rasping through a stone wall.

Starman was the best.

"What is the sound of one hero vibrating?"

Everyone keeps egging me on to mix it up with Steve Englehart for this statement from his recent interview with the esteemed blogger and all-around good guy Brian Cronin at Comic Book Resources:

Steve Englehart: Upcoming projects - I did a "JLA: Classified," and am now doing a "JSA: Classified" that ties into it.
Interviewer: Can you hint which JSA characters are featured?
Steve Englehart: JLA/JSA - well, the JLA run, four parts, features the worst JLA members ever: Steel, Vixen, Gypsy, and Vibe.

Now, I'm not going to savage Steve for dissing Vibe this way. I'm well aware that Vibe is ... underappreciated. Just as all but the most enlightened fail to grasp the wisdom of Bodidharma (though "Action Philosophers" #1 helps a lot!), so too not every mind is suited to perceiving the rarefied glory of a breakdancin' boriqueno in red and yellow grapesmugglers. Vibesters like myself have come to accept this; it is the way of things.

And face it, Steel, Vixen, and Gypsy do suck.

I shall content myself with putting the matter to the internet jury. Are Steel, Vixen, Gypsy, and Vibe the worst JLA members ever, when the JLA has included:

Tomorrow Woman
Red Tornado
Manitou Raven
Bloodwynd
Black Condor II
Nuklon
Obsidian
Triumph
Mystek
Aztek
Antaeus
Faith
Zauriel
Rocket Red
The Elongated Man

And that's WITHOUT mentioning Crimson Fox and Amazing Man from JLE or anyone from JL Antarctica.

Unprepared

Here at the Absorbascon, we try to provide relief from the emphermeral controversies of the fanoverse by sticking to higher priorities.

When other blogs were discussing the death of Hawkeye, the Absorbascon discussed Night Girl's hair. When Dave's Long Box focused on Power Girl's boobs, the Absorbascon focused on her boots. When the internet debated Batman versus Green Lantern, the Absorbascon concentrated on Batman versus God and Green Lantern versus a ceiling tile.

In so, in anticipation of the discussion over the amazing revelations in this week's Villains United and Infinite Crisis, the Absorbascon will focus on--

ah, the heck with it.

Thanks to Devon, who erreth not, over at Seven Hells, I was mentally prepared for the final page of Infinite Crisis.

But I was not prepared for the mind-boggling revelations in Villians United, most of which I hadn't heard anyone theorize, yet all of which make so much sense.

• The Calculator versus Oracle
• The new Virtuoso
• Deadshot versus Deathstroke
• The amazing Mister Terrible (my new favorite villain after only one panel).
• Ragdoll versus Ragdoll.
• Knockout's revelation.
• Luthor versus .... heh heh heh.
• Parademon's gambit.
• Catman versus Green Arrow.
• Diana's declaration.
• Dr. Polaris versus the Human Bomb.
• Batman's REALLY RUDE comment.
• Mongul versus Batman.
• The Riddler and the Fisherman with the Red Panzer and Murmur.
• Dr. Light versus the Ray.
• The Human Bomb versus Bizarro.
• OMAC versus the Rat-Catcher.
• Nightwing's good luck.
• Everyone versus Uncle Sam
• The Psychopirate versus Damage.

It's a bad day to be in the DC Universe.

But it's a great day to be reading about it...

Nice suit, Clark

Yes, Clark, I can just see the headline now,

"Kansas Lunatic Charged With Public Bestiality".

Oh, I kid! This is just another example of how much better people in the DCU are than, well, us.

Me, you, we'd try to get a front page story by racing to crime scenes or unearthing government corruption. Budding reporter Clark Kent, heh, he can get a front page story simply by putting on a gorilla suit (which, you'll note, is rented; he couldn't afford to buy his own until later in his career).

Oh, and in case you didn't recognize it from the Superman Showcase, this is from a little tale called:

"How Perry White Hired Clark Kent".

Naturally. Wouldn't you hire the man in that panel to work at your great metropolitan newspaper?

Koryak's Haikuesday

My admiration for Aquaman's son, Koryak, grows with each passing month *sigh*.

Haikuesday this week is dedicated to Koryak, who is tall, dark, handsome, superpowerful, and poetic. Just look how casually he defeats an OMAC using only limited hard-water powers and some underwater haiku.

That won't work. It may
feel solid, but it's still just
a block of water.

Wow. Koryak's Heroic Haiku is expository, has flow and rhythm, shows confidence in his ability to dispense Sea Justice, and uses water-based nature imagery. The OMAC, of course, is crushed by the weight and force of Koryak's water and words.

Oh, Koryak, you make little Sally Brown hearts pop in and out all around my head every time you appear!


So, dear readers, what haiku can you compose to celebrate Koryak's glorious victory over the OMAC, the power or words and water, or the beauty of an underwater comic that looks like Leni Riefenstahl is its cinematographer?

"Have you seen me?"

I saw this child's picture on my milk cartoon at breakfast. He seemed so familiar, as if I'd seem him before. I began to recall a name: Serbian? Servianus? Sebastian?

Oh, yes, I finally thought: Cerdian.

Yes, he's much easier to recognize with mother .... Duela? Endorphin? Delphine?

Oh, yes; Dolphin.

Okay, I know; Tempest himself has only been recently reintroduced since the Sub Diego event in the Aquaman book. But it had been quite a while before that since Dolphin had been seen, let alone Cerdian, let alone Cerdia, the country he's named after.

I can respect a retcon when it seems appropriate and I take no position on whether the Cerdian-Atlantean matter should be cannon or washed away by the waves of hypertime.

Yet the situation is an awkward one; children don't usually get retconned away (except for Duela Dent, and it was the only sensible thing to do). However, if the child still exists, he's named after a country whose annexation by Atlantis seems to have become a taboo subject. In fact, given what we know about what's happened to Atlantis over the last few years of continuity, it's hard to believe anything other than that the Cerdian war has been hypertimed away.

So ... does Cerdian exist? Does Cerdia? Anyone know?

Captain Marvel -- on the job

Captain Marvel, barely containing that dripping horny monster from a scantily clad girl.