Friday, July 30, 2021

The Persian Jewel Mystery, Part 3: AM I RIGHT?!

To identify the robbery suspect in this case, Speed went to the Rogues Gallery; to identify the murder victim, he woke up the Dean; to identify the woman accomplice he goes to a beat cop.  In no case did he just say, "Name and ID, please."  No, I don't get it either, but my degree's not in ace investigating.

Why are they UNKNOWNS? Do people in the Golden Age not have IDs?  I give up.

Why on earth does this gigantic beat cop who patrols the pub district know a floozy who hangs out with society swells? Because it saves time, I suppose.  Speed Saunders has no time for false leads.  

I probably shouldn't assume she's a floozy, but I was just trying to save time, because that's what Speed does.

"I mean, no DECENT woman could afford an apartment this nice. You've got at least two of these lamps and these nice vases of flowers. AND they match.  You don't get that working at a pajama factory, sister."

"Look, toots, we're running out of time and panels, so I'm just going to use my Judgement Face, accuse you of the crime and you're going to confess, okay? Trust me, I've done this before, it's all simpler this way."

Speed is running out of patience with this Nora woman and her aggressively matchy-matchy apartment, with stolen curtains from the Persian restaurant he started the story in, where his date (Carol? Sure, Carol) is probably still waiting, patiently sewing red crescents on the breasts of her dress and making small talk with the manager about Persian antiquities. 



Realizing he's up against a tough cookie, Speed pulls out all the stops here. Judgement Face, Accusing Colonel Mustard in the Ballroom with the Candlestick, Chiaroscuro, and a violent outbreak of Fred Guardineer Lines. Turns out it's all too much for her and she faints.

"Bring the stomach pump, Hudson; the BIG ONE. And my camera."

Speed has a unique concept of "good".

Was Nora drugged like the Consul? Or did she overdose on Speed? We'll never know, there's no time for that, because Speed is ready to wrap this case up.

"God knows I certainly can't be seen with you in THAT outfit, you look like a ward matron in a Roger Corman film while I'm dressed for a Persian nightclub."

Somehow Speed knows where everyone lives even when he doesn't know quite who they are.


Takes a strong man to stare into the Face of Judgement.

C'mon, Bennet. I mean, The Woman confessed (that's her job), the Safecracker opened the safe (that's his job), the Persian antiquities dealer identified the Persian antiquities (that's his job), so that leaves you, Bennet, as the Obvious Thug who killed the Safecracker.

Somehow, it makes even less sense when Speed explains it.

It's a reveal so ridiculous, even the killer won't buy it.

"On you? But... then who was the guy who did that?  Why would he get rid of them at a nightclub? Whose manager happened to be a Persian who could identify them? At table of an Ace Investigator? But the Consul told you about the jewels, so how did having them 30 minutes earlier help you at all? It makes no sense, I tell you, I'm obviously innocent!"

Clearly, none of this makes any sense at all, and Bennet/Borden, being a man of strong will, rebels against the mad god Saunders, who is clearly simply bending reality to bring the story to close to meet his self-imposed deadline.


But Nora, symbolically costumed as a tin soldier, dutifully protects the mad god like a faithful automaton.

It's kind of like "Westworld", with Speed as Dr. Ford.

"That's enough, BERNARD!"

Speed 'makes a plea for Nora', which I don't believe for a second and you know she and her hat are going to jail for a nice long time but fortunately she's already got the dress for it.

Then, just to make SURE that no one thinks otherwise, Speed breaks the Fourth Wall and TELLS YOU THAT THIS ALL MAKES SENSE AND YOU HAD BETTER AGREE.

"S-s-sure, Speed. It was a fine case. REAL fine."



John C said...

Speed should take down the city's Curtain Baron. Whoever that mysterious figure is, they're making a killing on those giant-gingham check jobs. Someone needs to stop him before he gets to...I'm going to assume that it's "Randall's Pub." Floosy Fless might be one of his spies, for all we know!

The real question, though, is why we never got a Filmation Speed Saunders cartoon? His "abstract demeanor" would be perfect for saving on animation costs, and Saunders is clearly a big fan of the "hey, we sure learned a lot, today" button.

Anonymous said...

I guess Speed Saunders is what happens when detectives don't have sidekicks.