Thursday, February 03, 2011

Ten Things I Learned from the Attack of Jean Loring's Brain

I promised you a denouement of what I learned from our recent "The Attack of Jean Loring's Brain" week here at the Absorbascon. And so...

#20. The brain has a heart.
And it has pin-lighting. Who knew?


#18. Aquaman does performance art. With octopuses.

Can't you just see all the beatniks and hipsters snapping their fingers as they watch? "Dig that crazy octo-art; go, daddy, go! This was completely worth the trip from Soho!"


#15. Either Captain Comet or Aquaman ...
cannot count.
Just because you're a telepath doesn't mean you're intelligent. "Aquaman! On my mark, count backwards from 20 the divisors of 180...!"


#12. There's no romance in piracy.

Ha! He's obviously never seen Lucas Entertainment's "Cabin Boy Fever"!


#10. The JLA teleporter is ridiculously slow.
Recomposition = decompression.

Three panels of exciting teleporter action?! Jeez, who designed the damned thing, Brad Meltzer?


#9. Aquaman quotes Winston Churchill. To himself, silently, inappropriately, and for no apparent reason.
That why Aquaman is so much cooler than I. I probably would have thought something more like, "Polka-dot pirates with clipboards, what the--?!"


#6. The undersea kingdom of Lemuria has absolutely no zoning laws.

"Welcome to the terrible undersea kingdom of Snowglobia; I am King Kane, and these are my daughters, Princesses Glycerin and Princess Rosebud."


#5. Aquaman has a very strange idea of ...

"subtle".
Huh. Sure looks like a 'frontal assault' to me.


#4. Captain Comet squats to pee.
And in the family room, too!


And last but not least:

#3. The Atom is a total drama queen
Jeez, no wonder he married Jean Loring.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Hammer Haikuesday with Dusty the Diastatic Detective


Yesterday we looked at the cover to Pep 39; today let's take a peek inside at a scene from a touching little story called...


CITY OF CORPSES.


Truly, I miss Golden Age comics!


As you know, our hero the Shield is utterly impervious to harm. It's a neat trick, but it does limit suspense. Fortunately, the Shield found his kid sidekick, Dusty, to trail after him and act as clobbering magnet.





Nazis are weird. Not only do they not know how to use commas or the letter "H", they name their hammers. And inaptly, too.
"Dot" ... really? Not "Mike", or "Stanley" or even "MC"?

P.S. Free trip to the Garment District for the first person who correctly guesses the Shield's waist size!




Well, now we know how Dusty's brains got exposed on the cover. Honestly, Dusty's not even wearing a HAT. That shock of red hair practically screams "HIT ME HERE!"


The Shield, with concern that might have been put to better use BEFORE dragging Ricochet Lad with him into battle, first punches out the hammer-wielding Nazi...



"I will punch you so hard you'll think you were drawn by Keith Giffen!"




...then checks on Dusty the Damage-Mop, who, much to his credit, not only recovers immediately but muses about it philosophically in a haiku entitled:

"O.K!"




I GUESS IT ISN'T
EVERY DAY SOMEONE HITS
YOU WITH A HAMMER.




Um.. actually, Dusty, it is every day someone hits you with a hammer. It's getting harder and harder to remember, though, isn't it? You'll probably have forgotten it entirely by the time Child Services arrives.


Now that your brain's been exposed to Dusty's haiku, can you counter with a haiku of your own to celebrate this touching moment of blunt force trauma?





Monday, January 31, 2011

Pep 39: Painful Perspectivitis




Usually, the 3D nature of Pep covers helps the Shield. But on the cover of 39, perspective turns against him
like some sort of artistic auto-immune disease. It's distorted his limbs and jerked them to angles so painful even the Shield can't help showing it on his face. Psst! Shield! The lipstick doesn't help...


Plus, it's obviously thrown off his aim, so he completely missed hitting Attila the Vampire Cat-person Voodoo Japanazi Who Gets His Workout Gear from the International Male Catalog.


Dusty the Boy Bondage seems to have nodded off, or may have already died from having his entire brain exposed. Oh, unless that's his hair. Dusty's lucky! He might have been in danger if Simitar-san hadn't just been shot by Ayikanasiyu, the World's Most Awkward Marksman/Chaffeur and his inable female lookout, Seen-us DeMilo.



One benefit to the perspective though: the odious Hangman is trapped on an Escherian stair/ledge, with zero clearance and steps that approach but never arrive down at the groundfloor action. The farther he is in the background the better. In fact, without my reading glasses, I'd swear he was just a color-reversed Silver Age Batwoman.