Welcome to West World

 YE GODS.

Iris West?

With the keys to the JLA Armory?

Does anyone know where I can send flowers to the Dark Army's family?

In case you were wondering..

.Iris West is still mean as hell.

Off the Cuff Haiku

I received these cufflinks as a groomsmen gift at the recent wedding of my wingman, Cobra Misfit:

These also double as Justice League signal devices, by the way.

Nothing cooler! Thanks, Misfit! Hope you and Cobra Mrs.fit (Hi, Amy!) are enjoying the cruise. Thanks to you I have to the ability to talk about the Flash...

off the cuff.

The Flash himself is pretty good at off the cuff remarks (as befits someone fast on his feet). Here's just one example.
While Cobra (rightfully) celebrates being married, Barry (deservedly) celebrates being single! Oh, Barry, you suffered through Iris West for so long, I can't blame you for celebrating. And what better way to make a clean slate than by redecorating? Nothing says "I'm cleaning house!" than, well, actually cleaning house. And as part of DC's cleaning house, Barry will be single again.

For those who didn't notice it, let's make it clearer--
Barry's adapting to his situation with a graceful haiku:

I'm single again--
I have to adjust my life-
style accordingly.

Pretty clever how Barry arranged his haiku to play with the word "life-style" there, allowing "style" to do ambiguous double duty as both a noun and a verb. Smart guy.

What haiku can you compose to celebrate the Fastest Man Alive no longer being married to the Meanest Woman Alive?

The Ballad of Barry Allen

Get out your mandolins, everyone! It's time to sing along...

Sung to the tune of the "the Ballad of Barbara Allen"

In Central City’s late Bronze Age
There was a blond man dwelling
And every maid cried well away
For his name was Barry Allen

Twas in the comic book of March
The Iris fans were yelling
Iris West on her deathbed lay
For the love of Barry Allen

He sent her killer to his grave;
His issues still weren’t selling
Praying you must buy my new comic now
For Flash to stay Barry Allen

Quickly quickly he moved on
Quickly quickly he went running
And the only words that Barry said:
“Fiona Webb, you're stunning!”

As she was dating Barry then
She heard the church bell knelling
And every stroke it seemed to say
“You won’t be Mrs. Allen!”

Oh crazy crazy went Ms Webb
Escape from death was narrow
Reverse-Flash died for her today
With Flash’s trial tomorrow

They locked her in the old madhouse
They buried him in the future
And from her grave came Iris West
With Barry to retire

Then Barry died; then he came back
Reverse Flash he did likewise
And he untied their timeline’s knot
The Flash without his fishwife

Debating Iris West's Death

RESOLVED:

Iris West wouldn't have been murdered...


if she weren't so MEAN.

Begin!

No West, Young Man!

As mentioned in my previous post, I'm celebrating the marriage of my wingman, CobraMisfit, by discussing here some marriage-related fixes that DC's Universal Reboot is effecting. Last time, I took on the one people are paying attention to: the retconning away of Superman's marriage to Lois Lane. Today, we look at a more surprising, but even more welcome, turn of events:

returning Barry Allen to bachelorhood.

I'm sure it's puzzled a lot of younger readers, many of whom know Barry Allen mostly as Wally West's uncle by marriage. For them, Barry's pretty much always been defined by his marriage to Iris. In writing about Barry in the post-Crisis era, nostalgic authors have worn rose-colored glasses made of pure retcon. Not only has Barry been portrayed as "a saint" but he and his wife have been portrayed as "soulmates".

Which is, of course, patently ridiculous.

Later in this issue, self-absorbed Iris causes a major highway pile-up, demeans Barry, dresses up as Batgirl, and gets murdered. They don't write 'em like that any more, folks.

As I've reminded modern readers again and again and again and again, Iris West was a mean, unpleasant person, who berated and belittled Barry Allen virtually every time she appeared.

If you saw this couple in a department store,
"what a delightful couple" would not be your first thought.

Barry, in turn, took secret glee in outwitting Iris by playing innocent. So deceptive was Barry that never told her he was the Flash, even when they got married-- she figured it out herself only because Barry talked about it in his sleep. Then she kept the fact that she'd discovered it secret. Because the foundation of a solid marriage is mutual deception and lack of respect, apparently.

Charming woman. This is same night she died. Pity!

Now, I don't mind retcons; without them, DC's upcoming Universal Reboot wouldn't be possible. But I like my retcons "pure". I'm okay with "Event X never happened"; in the long-term, continuity almost requires the ability to decide in certain circumstances that something specific in an older story be redacted. The example that always comes to my mind is the original reason why Harvey Dent couldn't receive plastic surgery right after his accident: the only surgeon capable of performing the necessary procedures was trapped behind enemy lines in Nazi-occupied Europe. Changes in science and society often require 'tweaking' such aspects of older storylines.

In addition, there are times when, as the old Classical saying goes, "even Homer nods". Writers do err. When they get a name or someone's backstory wrong, a no-fuss retconning away of their error through consensus of reader and publisher does no harm and much good.

But it is not appropriate to "oops" away the entire history of a character's personality. Countries come and go, science is a moving target, and mores evolve. But Clark is always mild-mannered, Lois is a bit too adventurous for her own good, Alfred is faithful, and guns really aren't Batman's style. If characters are written too far distant from their defining characteristics, then you're actually using a different character entirely. Even Geoff Johns, who clearly likes Hal Jordan a lot, doesn't try to portray him as a rocket scientist. Sure, he may not show him whacking his head on every STOP sign he flies by, but it's still clear enough that Hal's not among the more intellectual leaders of the Justice League.

In the context of our current subject, my point becomes: Iris West was always a ball-busting shrew. In fact, she had virtually no other notes in her personality. Writing Iris West as some sort of wonderfully supportive working-wife exemplar is not a simple retcon, it's character assassination.

Oh, Barry. You're so vain, I bet you think this post is about you.

So, too, Barry Allen. What kids today probably don't know is that both Barry and Iris had other romantic connections crop up during their eons of dating and that less than a year after Iris died, Barry was major-league macking on his neighbor.

Apparently, Barry's new life-style involves removing
all furniture and breakables before having a date.
Not that I'm judging, mind you.

Well, either she walked out of a dream or a drag show.
Not that I'm judging, mind you.

Fiona and Barry. Now there is a perfect couple: he's fast, she's loose.
Is there anything LESS discreet than making out in a fricking hall of mirrors?
And, yeah, I am totally judging them.

That's a year of OUR time by the way. In comic book time that would probably be about, oh, a week, give or take an issue. Before you can say "Barry's yer uncle", this woman (Fiona Webb) was headed down the aisle for Barry as the next victim for the Reverse Flash (who never had an original idea is his life, by the way). It was for HER that Barry killed the Reverse Flash, not Iris.

Given all that, I'm pleasantly surprised that DC is ratcheting back to a point where Barry's still single and Iris is just an option. Frankly, I'm not interested in seeing another unrealistically idealized perfect power couple in Flash. Mercury knows, we suffered through decades of treacly pap about Linda "The Anchor" Park during the Wally West era.

However, I'd love to see a couple of decades of Barry "the Player" Allen versus Iris "Meanest Woman Alive" West. Now there's potential for some sparks! And for once their relationship -- the guy too fast to pin down and the woman who can cut him down to size -- would finally make some sort of sense.

Attack of Jean Loring's Brain, Part V

Well, yes, all this Wind Pirate nonsense is very interesting but the re--

JULIUS H. SCHWARTZ,

WHAT THE FLYING FOO-HA IS THAT?

If Jack Kirby and Jim Steranko had a baby,

that's pretty much what it would look like. At birth.

Oh, silly me. That's the Wind Pirate's ship. With a big Kirby Cube. You know, I could swear one of my elder brothers had a black light poster like that.

Wait, what's that he's saying?

"MORE POWER! I WANT THE WORLD TO TREMBLE! NATIONS REDUCED TO HYSTERIA! ONLY WHEN THE EARTH IS IN A STATE OF TOTAL CHAOS WILL THE MOMENT BE RIPE FOR PLUNDER!"

What a silver-tongued devil the Wind Pirate is! Now wonder Bosun is in love. By the way, if you didn't know a moment could be plundered, well, you learned it here first. Really, some clever writer needs to bring back the Wind Pirate and put him on into a villainous Stentorian League with Dr. Domino, Dr. Polaris, and Sunspot. Oh, and Solomon Grundy, just for laughs. Nah, scratch that; a clever writer could never do the dialog.

Anyway, where's the real threat in this story? What's become of Jean Loring's brain?!

Oh, that!

Well, Captain Comet did the only humane thing....

He shoved his fingers in Jean Loring's brain and killed her.

Gee, if only someone had done the same thing to T.O. Morrow's other abductee, the Meanest Woman Alive, Iris West.

Oh, wait; that's right...

Someone did.

P.S. Just kidding! As if that goober Captain Comet could possible stop Jean Loring's brain! It will return in the next episode of...

THE ATTACK OF JEAN LORING'S BRAIN!!!!

Attack of Jean Loring's Brain, Part I

Meanwhile...





in 1977, the Earth is under attack from the greatest threat the DCU has ever known:

JEAN LORING!!!!!

Don't you wish you could talk that way?

Particularly during times of planet-wide distress?

Oh, and if "Jean Loring and the Orgy of Destruction"

is not the name of someone's band, it should be.

For those of you just tuning into the Absorbascon, you need to know that the girlfriends of DC's iconic heroes in days of yore were not cookie cutter copies of one another. They were not all smilingly supportive confections of sugar & spice & everything nice. They were formidable characters in their own right, with personalities all their own, as we've previously elaborated upon.


It makes an odd sort of sense that extraordinary heroes would seek out extraordinary partners. Any one of these heroes could have opted for a gushing giggling groupie, but... none of them did. Except of course for Ralph Dibny, who was an egotistical, self-centered weasel. Real heroes enjoy a nearly insuperable challenge, and the girlfriends of the Golden and Silver Ages were certainly... challenging.


When introduced in the first Silver Age Atom story, Jean Loring was obviously supposed to be a break from the traditional "Must Get a Man!' mode of portraying women. The opening schtick was that Ray had asked Jean to marry him some 20 times. But she kept saying no because she wanted to focus on establishing her career as a lawyer. Jean was focused, independent, and driven.


But over time "focused, independent, and driven" became "unfocused, incoherent, and driven crazy." I guess it was just too hard for writers of that era to portray a stable career woman. It became easier -- or more fun? --to pick a simpler, single way to characterize her: as BAT-SHIT CRAZY.


Poor Jean. Always caught attacking innocent people in hotel lobbies in a fit of paranoia. Or threatening to rip a stranger's face off. Or ruling as a demented queen of an alien microscopic world. Or stepping on her friend's brain. Or terrorizing South America. Or being dragged off to Arkham in a straightjacket. Or becoming Eclipso.


Sad, perhaps... but very amusing.


Anyway, as mentioned in the panel above, the Crazy-Evil that resides in Jean Loring's brain possesses the power to destroy the Earth. I mean, even more than usual.


It was kind of T.O. Morrow's fault (you know, the futurist inventor who created the universe's most tedious weapon, the Red Tornado, and who regularly took on the entire Justice League). He got it in his head to take revenge on the JLA by kidnapping...


wait for it...


Iris West and Jean Loring.


Now, usually, I think of T.O. Morrow as one of the smartest villains in town, but anyone who's idea of a plan involves kidnapping the Meanest Woman Alive and the Craziest Woman in the DCU is none too bright. That sounds more like a JLA plan to take revenge on T.O. Morrow than vice versa.

Sure, T.O., maybe you've kicked the entire JLA's butts a couple times. But, really, taking on the JLA is one thing, but... taking on Iris West and Jean Loring? At the same time?! Are you freaking NUTS or what?!?!? Jean Loring will rip off your face and destroy your planet in an orgy of destruction while Iris West demeans you, undermines your manhood, and eats your dog. And if you don't believe that last part, then maybe you can explain what happened to the dog that appears in her apartment for one panel of the new Flash #1 and hasn't been heard of since.


Anyway, he carted them off to some alien world (like ya do), but the planet turned out to be sentient. And how did we learn this?


Because the planet was terrified of Jean Loring.

Being terrified of Jean Loring is one of the basic characteristics of all sentient life.

Yes, Jean Loring was SO crazy that the living planet was afraid she would drive it insane. So it sacrificed a huge amount of its, um, world-energy, I guess, by transferring it to Jean so she would teleport to ANYWHERE else.


Ladies and gentlemen, Jean Loring, Threat to Sanity!


More in our next installment.

You're a Mean One, Iris West

Oh, I know I've made my point about Iris West. In fact, I was at a party last weekend, and a guy I didn't even know was a reader of my blog recited for me the exactly characterization of each of the Silver Age Girlfriends, quoting from memory from my post on the subject. It made me proud of my role in perpetuating negative stereotypes of characters whose past behaviors DC has been trying to whitewash in recent years; you're welcome, ladies!
But some points bear repeating (as the apparent memorability of that post has proven). And the point that Iris West is meaner than most DC supervillains is one of them.


And what better way to make this point memorable than by setting it to song, as we did, say, with the Central City Song? I know it's bit early for a Christmas song, but I want you to have time to teach this to children before the holiday season begins..

Open this karaoke link in another window and sing along, won't you?



You're a mean one, Iris West;

you really are a shrew


You're as cuddly as the Axis,

you're as welcome as the flu.

Iris We-est! You're a bad banana under Flash's boot heel.

You're a monster, Iris West;

your heart's an empty hole.





Your brain is full of caffeine,

you have coffee in your soul.

Iris We-est! I wouldn't touch you with a stolen character from Jack Cole.






You're a vile one, Iris West.

You have daggers in your eyes.





You have all the tender sweetness of Gorilla Grodd in disguise.




Iris We-est! Give the choice between the two of you, I'd take...

Gorilla Grodd in disguise!




You're a plot-bore, Iris West.

You're the queen of awful plots.





Your timeline's a McGuffin tied in Silver Age-y knots.

During this time, the couple discovered that Iris was born in the 30th Century (c 2945 AD), and had been sent back to the present shortly before "Earth-East" attacked "Earth-West," when Central City was a self-contained city. After years as a prominent presence in the Flash's life and Central City, she was killed by Professor Zoom during a costume party. Zoom vibrates his hand into her head, solidifying it just enough to kill her.^[2][3] Enraged by his wife's death, Barry, as the Flash, killed Zoom by breaking his neck.

Iris did not stay dead for long. As Iris's biological parents, the Russells (with the help of a future Flash, John Fox), sent the then-infant Iris to the past, where she was adopted by Ira West, her "death" caused a paradox that was resolved after the Russells placed her consciousness into a new body. Barry was reunited with Iris in her time,^[4] and were able to spend a month together. However, the couple knew if Barry returned to the past, he would die in the catalytic Crisis on Infinite Earths.^[5] During their time together, they conceived the Tornado Twins, Don and Dawn. Don married the descendant of Professor Zoom, Meloni Thawne, hoping to end the feud between the two families. They had a son, Bart, whose powers manifested at an early age and caused him to age at an accelerated rate. Don and Dawn died saving 30th Century Earth from an invasion by the Dominators. Iris took Bart to the past to enlist the aid of her nephew (by then, Wally had taken the mantle of the Flash) in saving her grandson. After Bart's accelerated aging slowed down, he went by the name of Impulse. Not much is known about her after that, but Iris volunteered to take care of the Weather Wizard's orphaned son. Wally West later named his daughter Iris in honor of his aunt.

Iris We-est! You're a multiverse time-travel old-school sandwich



with gender-bent sauce!






You irritate me, Iris West.



With your henpecked super-spouse.



You're a red-haired vicious fishwife who treats Barry like a louse.


Iris We-est! Your role is an appalling parody overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of sexist imaginings, with your hair in



tangled up knots.






You're a foul one, Iris West.
You're a torrid, horrid, skunk.





You're heart is made of solid rock,
your role is full of bunk.


Iris We-est! The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote:

MINX

SKANK

PUNK