Saturday, January 22, 2011

Attack of Jean Loring's Brain, Part VI



Well, while the--

I did not say that.

While the Wind Pirate is bloviating in his Kirby Cube high above the earth, where is Jean Loring?



Yes, Atom, we know; that's the problem. More specifically, she has, for no apparent reason, magically appeared in the undersea kingdom of Lemuria.


Oh, Name-Or; you say "hopelessly" like it's a bad thing.


There, when she sees her One True Love, Ray Palmer, again,



she's shocked back into sanity and they have a tearful lover's reunion...


"Today's psychotic episode is brought to you by the letter E."


Psych! You didn't really believe that, did you? This is Jean Loring, people!

Atom's buddy Aquaman, of course, always knows the wrong thing to say:

"Terribly disturbed? In a psychotic state? Um, yeah, Arthur, that's the Jean Loring I know. Who do you think bought me this tie?"


So, the Atom decides to just shrink down and punch the Crazy Evil out of Jean Loring's brain,



while Captain Comet gets his hair done. Really.

"In my business, you meet so many interesting people; bobby pins, please.
But the most interesting ones are the mutants."


Friday, January 21, 2011

Attack of Jean Loring's Brain, Part V



Well, yes, all this Wind Pirate nonsense is very interesting but the re--

JULIUS H. SCHWARTZ,
WHAT THE FLYING FOO-HA IS THAT?

If Jack Kirby and Jim Steranko had a baby,
that's pretty much what it would look like. At birth.


Oh, silly me. That's the Wind Pirate's ship. With a big Kirby Cube. You know, I could swear one of my elder brothers had a black light poster like that.

Wait, what's that he's saying?

"MORE POWER! I WANT THE WORLD TO TREMBLE! NATIONS REDUCED TO HYSTERIA! ONLY WHEN THE EARTH IS IN A STATE OF TOTAL CHAOS WILL THE MOMENT BE RIPE FOR PLUNDER!"

What a silver-tongued devil the Wind Pirate is! Now wonder Bosun is in love. By the way, if you didn't know a moment could be plundered, well, you learned it here first. Really, some clever writer needs to bring back the Wind Pirate and put him on into a villainous Stentorian League with Dr. Domino, Dr. Polaris, and Sunspot. Oh, and Solomon Grundy, just for laughs. Nah, scratch that; a clever writer could never do the dialog.

Anyway, where's the real threat in this story? What's become of Jean Loring's brain?!

Oh, that!

Well, Captain Comet did the only humane thing....

He shoved his fingers in Jean Loring's brain and killed her.


Gee, if only someone had done the same thing to T.O. Morrow's other abductee, the Meanest Woman Alive, Iris West.

Oh, wait; that's right...
Someone did.


P.S. Just kidding! As if that goober Captain Comet could possible stop Jean Loring's brain! It will return in the next episode of...

THE ATTACK OF JEAN LORING'S BRAIN!!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Attack of Jean Loring's Brain, Part IV



So, last time in "The Attack of Jean Loring's Brain", we explored the mystery of who was watching Aquaman get his ass kicked by a tornado via a spy-eye screen. We determined that it wasn't Name-Or from the hapax legomenon kingdom of Lemuria, or Flunk Flashman of the Secret Society of Super-Villains (even though both of them did have spy-eye screens and were watching the Battle of the Brain Bowl [Jean Loring's Brain, 54 - Earth, 0])


So who IS this mysterious figure?!?!?

If I had a toady, I'd make him wear a magenta beret and sweat-cuffs, too.


Oh, I'm sure most of you have already guessed! It is, of course...


THE WIND PIRATE!!!!!!!


Okay, fess up; NONE of you guessed the Wind Pirate. That's because, like Lemuria, the Wind Pirate had never been heard of before and hasn't been heard of since. But I'm sure you can guess his story. He's your basic "Navy weather scientist who, because he was too valuable, wasn't allowed to go to sea, which is all he ever wanted, and who has therefore now gone insane with pirate-mania, and has an abusive relationship with his sidekick." He's been taking advantage of the chaos and weather instability caused by the attack of Jean Loring's brain to make his own ill-timed bid for world domination; the time to conquer Earth is not about three hours before Jean Loring's brain completely destroys it.


And, meanwhile


there's poor "Bosun", the sidereal sidekick of this psycho space pirate! So enamored of the Wind Pirate,
"And you will kneel, and tell me that you love me...."


but so ill-treated

Bosun gets Ye Olde Bitch Slappe


even when it's just verbal abuse.


"Shut up, you toady, I'm watching Aquaman's ass.
I mean, Aquaman's ass get kicked!"

It's sad, too, because Bosun's obviously really hot and the Wind Pirate is, well, Sonny Bono in a Gilbert & Sullivan production. The whole thing is very Harley/Mr. J "Mad Love"...



*Sniff*! "I... don't know how to lo-ove him..."



"But there's so much more I want to show you, Cap'n! The Cherry Blossom Festival! The Ile de France with all the gulls around it! Niagra Falls...!"


Tragically, it's not to be. There's no romance in piracy, folks.