Heads Should Roll For This

 

 

It says "Eri's" instead of "Eris's".  I cannot fathom the depth of ignorance that made this error possible.

Everyone connected with this title should be fired immediately.

Mystery Analysts: Wonder Woman

I say "Wonder Woman" rather than name a city, because who really knows where Wonder Woman lives? It's one of my pet peeves about her.  

Real-world Boston seemed random and inappropriate; who moves to cold cramped Boston from Paradise Island? John Byrne's "Gateway City" was an utter cipher; I'd be shocked if any of you could tell me a single thing about it (without looking it up), especially since virtually no writer has cared to use it again (until Ultimate Wonder Woman).  

Part of Wonder Woman's geographic problem is that she's not FROM any U.S. city (as are Batman, Flash, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, and many others). She needs a REASON to locate in a particular city of her own and The National Capital of the country she's living in seems like a pretty logical place.  Just put her in Washington, where the character started. Besides, with its low skyline and classical architecture it's probably the city that seem most familiar to a resident of Themyscira. It's weird and artificial enough that it might as well be a fictionopolis, any way.  Or fictionalize Washington as "Federal City", an idea I think is long overdue.

But let's move on to our task of giving her some Mystery Analysts, which she clearly needs as a resource. Zeus knows I love Little Miss Marchy Boots, but a detective she ain't. She couldn't even figure out who killed her OWN PUBLICIST.

The case remains one of DC's best and most famous mysteries, which Wonder Woman totally did not solve.

But who on earth would be among Wonder Woman's Mystery Analysts?  It would be great if they could be, say, all women and one token man, as an inverse of the Mystery Analysts of Gotham. Unfortunately, Wonder Woman's mythos doesn't much support that.  She's got lots of women in her historical cast, but most of her "professional help" is men.

Ed Indelicato

Wonder Woman's partner in trying to solve Mayer's murder was Boston detective Ed Indelicato, a surprisingly memorable character.

It helped that Ed was deeply weird and very human.

Simply put, Indelicato, who later retired and became an author (of crime fiction, I presume) make him a no-brain among WW's Mystery Analysts. He's the "Kaye Daye" (weird memorable crime fiction author).

Those glasses are like Kaye Daye's hats.

Unlike many members of the Mystery Analysts (the original or my own versions), he's a colorful character, quickly conveyed and easily identifiable,  which is useful for characters who have to share their screen time with others.

Chic Novelle

Well, this is a reach!  Chic Novelle is a Golden Age Wonder Woman character, a follower of sexist investigative journalist Selldom Wright (why HE is not my choice should be doubly obvious).  She shifts from being one of his informants to investigating on her own behalf and helps Wonder Woman capture the "Blue Seal Gang" (one of those tawdry pin-striped suit gangs so many Golden Agers wasted their time on).

Chic was handy with guns, too. I'd like to imagine an updated version of her would still accoutre herself in a 1940s manner, just because she's a gal with style.

I Ching

Oh, yes; I went there.

I Ching is, of course, the absurdly stereotypical Wise Old Blind Chinese Sensei who mentored (i.e., mansplained) Diana Prince through her de-powered, karate-chopping, gunning-toting, boutique-owning era in the 1970s. But, as long-time readers of this blog will remember, the BEST thing about Ching is how clearly he and Diana DETEST each other. 

"I cannot WAIT to see what pathetic losers they match you up with, Diana!"
"I'll take some pictures for you, Ching. Oh, wait, that's right..."

Naturally, an updated version would need a more sensibly first name than "I". Or, since Ching is canonically dead (Diana's inability to save him was a perfect capstone to their passive-aggressive relationship), perhaps a DAUGHTER could be substituted.  I always thought it odd that Diana's mentor during this (or any) period would be a man, rather than a woman.

It would avoid... a lot of the unpleasantness inherent in "I Ching" and his relationship with Diana.  An "Isadora Ching" who perhaps knows martial arts like her father (grandfather?) and is a Chinese-American private detective would bring some snap to Diana's Mystery Analysts while being a fine nod to her lore.

Tom (Nemesis) Tresser 

Another one of DC's turtle-necked master of disguise espionage types. He has a history with Wonder Woman as her male sidekick at one point.  

And her side-piece.

They had this annoying and sad situation where they were sleeping together and he thought it was more than that, but it really wasn't.  He was a substitute in more ways than one for Steve Trevor and the story basically admitted that.

I would have probably preferred hard-boiled P.I. Tim Trench for this spot in WW's Mystery Analysts, because his relationship with Diana during her de-powered era actually had some crunch to it. But Trench was murdered pretty famously in a JLA locked room mystery and it's probably best to let (eternally) sleeping dogs lie.

And I DO love Tom's hair.  It's got that Gumby/Capt. Pike thing going on.

Besides, having a former beau among one's Mystery Analysts is an interesting wrinkle and might give Tresser a way to stand out as a character (something he never did on his own).

Etta Candy

Ordinarily, I wouldn't pick someone from a hero's "inner circle" for a Mystery Analyst slot. One of the purposes of Mystery Analysts concept is to help expand a hero's supporting cast, not merely consolidate it.  But DC is often at a loss as to what to DO with Etta Candy in the modern era, where Fat Funny Friends are not the norm.  

And, sadly, there aren't as many Japanese princesses who need spanked in comics as there used to be. Not even in Wonder Woman comics.

Etta's modern incarnation is in Military Intelligence (or some such), so giving her deductive talents would be pretty consistent.  Even without the Mystery Analysts, giving Wonder Woman a sidekick who is actually better at figuring out what's going on would not only be refreshing, but free up Wonder Woman to lasso people and toss things about as she does.

And to march. 
Wonder Woman needs plenty of time to march, march, march.

Trevor Barnes

How Dr. Domino would enjoy yanking that tie!

A currently unused character from Wonder Woman's past supporting casts, he is associated with diplomatic matters, which would make him a good choice as an "international troubleshooter" who relies on his worldliness to solve mysteries that might stump others.

He's was absolutely terrible and being the trusting superhero love interest who gets into scapes/is kidnapped, so an independent Mystery Analyst seems like a better role for him.

Plus, he's not remembered well, so rejiggering who and what he is a tad to fit with the Mystery Analysts probably wouldn't upset many people.

Just read Mark Waid

Well, thank goodness for Mark Waid or I don't think I would have had anything enjoyable to read this month. 

I did pick up the Shazam/Wonder Woman crossover, featuring Mary Marvel, as she is now (again), called (cleverly enough, I suppose).  But it disappointed in three major ways and that's a lot for one small story.

Its depiction of Hera as a shrill harpy was over the top. I mean... even for Hera.  There might have been some irony to be wrung out of Hera, a long put-upon woman under the thumb of a tyrannical, philandering husband, rebelling against, killing and supplanting him, only to become even worse.  

This could work very well in a Wonder Woman comic: "See what you have become, sister!"   But, no; it was mostly a slugfest. Exactly how the Gods should not be used.  Which was the second disappointment. I like that the Greek gods are part of DCU's mythos and DC is often good about treating them as Something Apart. But when they don't --when they treat being a god as just some other flavor of superDUPER-supervillain-- well, that just misses the point of having gods in the mix at all, doesn't it?

Yes, it does miss the point.
So, leave "The New Gods" alone, kids. Kirby had at least SOME idea how to handle them and you do not.

And, third, of course, was the nearly inevitable re-apotheosis of Wonder Woman. Re-apotheosis: that's a word that should NEVER have to be written.  But at this point, Wonder Woman might as well be classified as a were-god: every 30 months or so, when the publishing moon is full, she becomes a goddess (again).  

I'm tired of explaining how stupid this is. It shouldn't even NEED to be explained (unless, you know, you're a Marvel reader and that sort of thing makes sense to you).  Just stop it, DC.  

Fortunately, I read the most recent issue of World's Finest, because, by Jasper, I wouldn't miss Simon Stagg's funeral for the world!  And... and...

"characterized by even his few mourners as 'opportunistic' and 'abrasive' "

and it read LIKE A COMIC BOOK.

Things HAPPENED. They happened fast, but clearly and things I didn't need to see happened off-panel and things I DID need to see happened in-panel.  Friends like Batman and Superman (or mere colleagues like Metamorpho) had differences but worked through them quickly and the fact that they would remain friends was never called into question for cheap drama.  Heroes were falsely accused but no one tried to trick us the readers into thinking they were guilty; the mystery was in how they were framed, and why, and by whom.  The mystery was solved with effort, but within an issue and with contributions from all involved.  The solution was logical but surprising and pulled in characters who broadened the scope and seriousness of the plot; it didn't foreclose the action but escalated it and ended on a cliffhanger that left me waiting for the next issue. It was a COMIC BOOK, like, well, like the Legion reboot that Mark Waid wrote almost 25 years ago in 1999, which I still remember as the most engaging on-going series I've ever read. 

Thanks for making it look easy, Mark. I hope some other writers read your books, too.

Nice while it lasted

 Well, it was nice while it was lasted.

My optimism that DC finally seemed to have the kind of basic understanding of its own characters, their universe, and what to do with them that, oh, any average reader does.  

My hope that DC finally understood that, in the long run -- even in the short run -- preserving the integrity of characters and their world are more important than indulging its writers and their ticks.  

But no.

I kind of blinked over it when I heard that Wally West was dead-again in "Flash" because it seemed like the story-contained dead-again, that could be safely ignored, much like I ignore everything with the Park-Wests.  But the news that 

"DC's new 'Dawn of DC' initiative to revamp the publisher's core superhero line is well underway, and the next wave of new titles will include a brand new Wonder Woman #1 from writer Tom King "

cannot be ignored or discounted.

Great idea, DC. Tom King. On Woman Wonder.

You can't even PRETEND that he's not going to ruin her. Because....

"After a mysterious Amazonian is accused of mass murder, the U.S. Congress passes The Amazon Safety Act, barring all Amazons from American soil," reads DC's official description of the new Wonder Woman #1. "To carry out its new law, the government sets up the Amazon Extradition Entity (AXE) task force to remove those who don’t comply by any means necessary," it continues. "In her search for the truth behind the killing, Wonder Woman now finds herself an outlaw in the world she once swore to protect."

Is there any single person who is familiar with Wonder Woman who doesn't realize this is a bad idea? That it's just Tom King writing under Alienated Hero Under Duress story, with whatever IP they'll let him handle?  Will Marvel not hire Tom King?  Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?

Look, it's not that Wonder Woman hasn't survived becoming pantsuit Wonder Woman and opening a dress shop and dragging around an Inscrutable Blind Stereotype or becoming a Goddess for the Umpteenth time.   It's not that "Something Interesting Couldn't Be Done With That!", which someone is going to comment.

It's DC clearly still doesn't really get it.  

Someday she will have her revenge. 
Again.

A Christmas Wedding for a Pagan Bride

 My Sims versions of Diana Prince and Steve Trevor decided to (finally) get married over the holiday.

How romantic!

.

At least, in theory.

"THIS is why we don't get invited to more weddings, OLLIE!"
"WE'RE TRAPPED ON AN ISLAND, AIIYEE, I MUST ESCAPE!"

Most guests other than Ollie had the decency to stay in their seats and observe the ceremony.

Well. Stay in their seats, at least.  
Sector 2614's pretty exhausting, you know.

Diana didn't entirely understand some of our wedding traditions, but she tried, bless her heart.

"HAH! Throw as hard as you will, such tiny grains will not stop an Amazon from completing her physical regimen!"

Likewise, Steve had some trouble with some Themysciran traditions.

"HOLA! You think to survive our wedding night with just THOSE fighting techniques and a Y chromosome, man-warrior?!"

Etta Candy seemed to have misinterpreted "festive attire" on the invitation.

"OH! ETTA! You're ... your hairdo is lovely."

Steve found out at the reception what happens when you ask Mr. Terrific "What's your degree in?"

Diana had some wistful memories that would have been better left at her bachelorette party.

I guess some women appreciate a stiff upper lip.

As you would expect, the League Boys hung out together.

"Clark, I swear, if he tells ONE MORE 'Flash Fact' story..."
"Bruce, our Code applies to our friends as well as our enemies."
"...You left the radio on back in your hotel room and are listening to the game, aren't you?"
"You really ARE a detective. Shhh; Martin Baxter's at bat..."

“I too am aware of baseball,  HalJordan and fellow Leaguers! I once employed some of my lesser used powers to alter the outcome of a Flamingos game!”
"Great Guardians, when did YOU arrive, J’onn?”
“He’s been invisible.”
“He’s been there the whole time.” 
“Gee, thanks for telling us, Super-Peepers and World’s Greatest Detective.”
“Well, actually, Hal, if you just observed the indentation in the seat cushion—“
“Shut up, Barry.”
“I’m REALLY glad Dinah and I got to come to THIS wedding!"

Because most of the guest's were Diana's, Dinah got stuck at The Groom's Table, which did not entirely thrill her.

"WEPAAAAAAA!!!!"

Arthur didn't sit with the JL Boys, because as the Officiant he was busy trying to keep Wild Dog and Black Canary from breaking out into their Next Violent Argument.

"Well, René, as long as we're talking about women in the military at THE WEDDING OF THE GREATEST WARRIOR YOU KNOW, let ME give you MY thoughts..."

Lois got stuck at The Bride's Table with the Bride's Gay Brother but was clearly more interested in WWIII about to break about over at The Groom's Table.

Eventually, Arthur extracted Renê for sake of his safety, since the last person you want yelling at a wedding or anywhere else is Black Canary.

"Thassit, Lo-lo; I have HAD it with that woman!  She's the reason nobody invites Oliver to weddings."

"Thank you for the vacuum cleaner, Jason; I'm sure Steve will get a lot of use out of it!"

Diana's commitment to truthfulness was put to an awful test.

I only wish Ching had been there to see.
So to speak.

Bruce received some interesting news while he was there.

"BATCOMPUTER, ACCESS IRIS WEST FILE AND ACTIVATE CONTINGENCY PROTOCOL "THAWNE-SPAWN".

But the third-happiest person after the Bride and Groom was J'onn, who got to take home all the leftover Super Chocolate Tummers Bomb Cupcakes.

"MARS
NEEDS
CHOCOS
!!!"

Photo courtesy of Barry Allen.

College Days: Wonder Woman.

Verdict: Wonder Woman has a college degree.

This one is tricky...

In the Golden Age--any age, really-- Wonder Woman is from a faraway land that has lots of education but not 'college' per se (and certainly nothing that awards a 'degree').  It goes without saying that in any iteration Wonder Woman, raised with a classical education on Themyscira, is very well educated, certainly beyond the level of a 'bachelor's degree'.  But, in the Golden Age, she actually got by with the favorite method of Golden Age heroes: she cheated.  Because there is little the princess of truth enjoys more than lying her star-spangled pants off.

In the days when South America was, like, a whole other country.

Rather than going through the messy and tedious folderol of getting herself credentialed in Man's World, Wonder Woman simply took the place of someone else who was already credentialed: the REAL Diana Prince.

It's even faster than DeVry.

Yeah; Diana BOUGHT her degree, quite literally.  Because honesty is an alien concept to her, especially when it would stand between her and The Man She Loves.  Now, in fairness: Diana DID have the knowledge to become a nurse. We knows this for a fact because she says "I'm a trained nurse." Oh, wait; I forgot; she lies.   BUT... she invented the Purple Healing Ray.

Which she named 'the purple healing ray' because, unlike Batman, Wonder Woman is not about branding.

If, in five days, you can invent a ray that brings people back from the dead, well, I'm willing to concede that you are probably going to make a pretty good nurse.  

But what about later? When she worked at the War Department? And the Pentagon?  Did she get those jobs as a war nurse?  Or when she became an agent at the Department of Metahuman Affairs?  Or when she was a U.N. tour guide?  

I mean, you don't think they let people without college degrees open mod boutiques, now, do you?

Or in the movies where she's obviously doing prestigious museum work, that must require degrees and experience?  Does she just keeping finding people with the right credentials named "Diana Prince" and buying their IDs from them?

No; at some point, Diana went to the trouble of earning proper credentials (including a college degree) to do whatever job(s) she has.

I mean, it's not like Diana hasn't had TIME to go to college.  

You do know I could post about a thousand more of these pics, right?

Wonder Woman pretty much spent the entire Golden Age at Holliday College with the sisters of "Beeta Lambda Phi" (sic).  There is simply no way that she (and the college) didn't take advantage of that by enrolling in a few classes here and there.  WW surely didn't, ya know, matriculate with a class or anything, but there is no way Little Miss Self-Improvement didn't get a degree or eight in her spare time over the years.   But that's why my verdict was that 'she has a college degree' rather than 'went to college.'  

I mean, can't you picture the panels on the Untold Tale where she corrects all her professors on history, and science, and, well, everything other than ice cream, because she's the g-d Wonder Woman? Of course you can.

Remember, it's been pretty consistently established that (unlike Batman and Superman) she basically has zero social life in her civilian identity; no friends, no family, no commitments.  She didn't spend ALL her free time with a Stereotypical Blind Chinese Sensei/Sage.

Not without snapping his neck, anyway, for being a bossy mansplainer.

SO, although Wonder Woman did not 'go to college' per se, she definitely found a way to get a degree or two along the way, simply because it's the 'have it all/ do it all' kind of thing she would do. PLUS... she would want to inspire young women to do the same.  

Because women deserve greater aspirations than being a fashion model!

How I Learned (Today) to Love Max Lord

I'll happily confess: I've never been a fan of Max Lord. Or, as they started calling him when he became overtly evil, "Maxwell Lord".  

Gods know, WW84 was a non-ideal film but I give them credit for making Max a cheesy '80s hustler again.

As such he pairs perfectly with Booster Gold, another cheesy '80s hustler.

Many people remember Max fondly as the paterfamilias of the Keith Giffen's "Bwahaha" League of the '80s.  

Whether you LIKE the concept of the Justice League as comedy:
they made it work.

They forget that he was always manipulative, shady, and amoral.

In his first appearance, Max was behind the terrorists who attacked the UN during the '87 League's formative mission.  Nobody remembers that.

But JL became JLU and got warmer and fuzzier and wackier, and so Max had to be redeemed.

Oh, Max and his wacky, terribly drawn hijinks!

As Max became more beloved due to the hijinks he presided over, the writers gave him an out (or two?) for his shadier behavior, like, he was being influenced by some evil alien machine or such. Regular comic book stuff.

Was it... Brother Eye? It wasn't but, I don't really care and

you don't either.

Aw, poor Max!

And of course there was... The Invasion.

People gush endlessly about "the original Crisis" (by which they mean "Crisis on Infinite Earths", which, they don't know because they read nothing written before they were born, was named after the ACTUAL original crisis and the 97 others that followed it) and how it changed the DCU FOREVER and NOTHING WAS EVER AS IMPORTANT.

Which is hogwash.  It was just another reboot, the kind of thing DC did without fanfare to individual books all the time.  

Pictured: old school fanfare.

Read Batman during that era; you will notice next to no difference between pre- and post-Crisis Batman.  Some figures got more thoroughly rebooted than others (e.g., Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash).  And some characters that used to live in multiversal suburbs moved into the big city. DC made a big deal about this being their chance to do Something Different but having given too little thought as to what that would be, they wound up simply doing Everything Again.

You know what REALLY changed the DCU?  The Invasion, which happened a mere three years later.  In many ways, it was the opposite of COIE.  COIE was a long drawn out overcomplicated incoherent mess with an ersatz Big Bad who might as well have been Agamemno or King Kull.  Frankly, I think Barry intentionally killed himself just to get away from it all for a while (and obviously the rest did him good, because he's had two television series and a new movie coming out). 

And finally has the legs he deserves.

Invasion, on the other hand, was a tightly plotted three-issue series which explained most of how the DCU now worked (and would work 1000 year in the future!) where the threat came from pre-existing DCU entities (all the bad guys species of outer space) with sensible political motivations for wanting to attack Earth (specifically, that Earth positively sweats out dangerously powerful superheroes). 

Somehow, the dirty stinking Rannies were not among them.

It introduced the "meta-gene" as the cause of most superpowers and explained the future world of the Legion of Super-Heroes elegantly. It's full of real, powerful but understated moments; the Denial of Arani, the death of Scott Fischer, Buddy Baker versus the Thanagarian bomb, J'onn's final trick, and THE GENE BOMB, which almost killed Max Lord.

Max succumbing to the Gene Bomb, which was like COVID for superheroes, except everyone got infected at the same time.

People, including Max, in meta-gene comas.

But it DIDN'T kill him. It 'activated his meta-gene'. making his mind-control explicit; his having had it operating before unconsciously at a low level became the explanation for how he formed and reigned in the members of the Justice League.  

And that was the beginning of the end. Because one of the many truisms of comics is: mind-controllers are (almost always) evil.  It's the ultimate power and, ultimately, it corrupts the user.  

Including her, too. "I know what you did, Imra!"

Plus, it was too good an opportunity for the Serious Comic Book Writers of the dark '90+s to pass up.  They loved nothing more than perverting the light-hearted or wacky elements of past comics into sordid grimdark versions of themselves (this would show how Adult the writers were).

Remember when Kevin Smith made Stanley (& His Monster), from one of history's most innocent series, into the victim of satanic child abuse by his own grandfather?  Because god forbid anyone should not think of Kevin Smith as a Serious Adult Writer.

With his mind-controlled meta-gene now active (and amplified through a storyline or two) and being synonymous with the wackiest version of the Justice League, Max might have well as had a target painted on his back for These Serious Writers.  So they had him go not just Full Evil but Scenery-Devouring Evil, and shooting in the head Blue Beetle (the most comedic member of the Bwahaha League):

Blamm-ha-ha!

Take THAT, Innocence! So THERE, Fun!  This was followed by Evil Max Lord taking over Superman. Even if it makes no sense, even if you can probably think of 17 characters off the top of your head who could nerf Superman or make his possession by Lord irrelevant or useless, it doesn't matter. Symbolically and canonically, Superman is The Ultimate Weapon and he -- or anyone who controls him-- Can't Be Stopped.

Screen-capped, thank god, but not stopped.

Which leads directly to 'the snap' (about which I complained recently);

"Make a hawk a dove;
Stop a war with lo-
Oh. Okay, well, I guess that works, too."

Wonder Woman, having 'no choice', killed Max Lord to prevent him from using Superman to take over the world (or whatever Max's Giant Secret Plan was).  This gave the Serious Writers the opportunity to permanent Sully WONDER WOMAN, the princess of truth and love and understanding. What a coup!  Eat your heart out, Dr. Light and Sue Dibny!  

This (kinda) final storyline for Max cemented him as "a Wonder Woman foe", even though this is pretty much the only interaction between them.  This is how Max came to be the villain in the WW84 movie and a figure in her upcoming Heroclix set:

Once you become a supervillain you have to wear the gloves.
It's a union thing.

So, because I can't stand Max Lord (especially since his use as a villain symbolizes everything that was wrong with the Dark Age of comics), I looked at his figure's powers and abilities to see what other character I might put on his dial.

And then it hit me. 

I knew who I would have replaced Max with, and once I knew that I no longer felt the need to. Because I realized that Max, effectively, was:

THE DUKE OF DECEPTION

That's what the character was called in the Golden Age, when he was one Wonder Woman's most consistent foes.  The Greeks simply called him "Δόλος"  (Deception).  Even if none of the Serious Writers realized it, they were step by step turning Max Lord, huckster, into the modern version of the Duke of Deception.  

The lesson? NEVER throw away your "Who's Who" binders.

I might have made the association myself sooner if I'd actually gone to SEE the WW84. I haven't yet; um, there was quarantine and we went to Colorado to visit David's folks and, um, the dog ate my homework.  But in WW84 the object that empowers Max Lord is mentioned as possibly being a creation of ... Dolos, the god of Deception.