So, last time in "The Attack of Jean Loring's Brain", we explored the mystery of who was watching Aquaman get his ass kicked by a tornado via a spy-eye screen. We determined that it wasn't Name-Or from the hapax legomenon kingdom of Lemuria, or Flunk Flashman of the Secret Society of Super-Villains (even though both of them did have spy-eye screens and were watching the Battle of the Brain Bowl [Jean Loring's Brain, 54 - Earth, 0])
So who IS this mysterious figure?!?!?
If I had a toady, I'd make him wear a magenta beret and sweat-cuffs, too.
Oh, I'm sure most of you have already guessed! It is, of course...
THE WIND PIRATE!!!!!!!
Okay, fess up; NONE of you guessed the Wind Pirate. That's because, like Lemuria, the Wind Pirate had never been heard of before and hasn't been heard of since. But I'm sure you can guess his story. He's your basic "Navy weather scientist who, because he was too valuable, wasn't allowed to go to sea, which is all he ever wanted, and who has therefore now gone insane with pirate-mania, and has an abusive relationship with his sidekick." He's been taking advantage of the chaos and weather instability caused by the attack of Jean Loring's brain to make his own ill-timed bid for world domination; the time to conquer Earth is not about three hours before Jean Loring's brain completely destroys it.
And, meanwhile
there's poor "Bosun", the sidereal sidekick of this psycho space pirate! So enamored of the Wind Pirate, 
"And you will kneel, and tell me that you love me...."
but so ill-treated
Bosun gets Ye Olde Bitch Slappe
even when it's just verbal abuse.
"Shut up, you toady, I'm watching Aquaman's ass. I mean, Aquaman's ass get kicked!"
It's sad, too, because Bosun's obviously really hot and the Wind Pirate is, well, Sonny Bono in a Gilbert & Sullivan production. The whole thing is very Harley/Mr. J "Mad Love"...
*Sniff*! "I... don't know how to lo-ove him..."
"But there's so much more I want to show you, Cap'n! The Cherry Blossom Festival! The Ile de France with all the gulls around it! Niagra Falls...!"
Tragically, it's not to be. There's no romance in piracy, folks.
8 comments:
Scipio- Who WROTE this? I would say it was Bob Haney, but nobody talks like Metamorpho- so who was it?
Oh, never mind- I went back to the first blog post.
That explains it.
Given Geoff Johns' penchant for dumpster-diving in DC history, it's a wonder he hasn't yet teamed up the Wind Pirate, Captain Demo, Captain Stingaree, and Cutlass Charlie as the Pirates of Loud Pants.
(verification word: "muthers". No, seriously.)
TotalToyz: has someone leaked you the script for Atom:Rebirth?
I have to admit...these two star-crossed baddies are simply adorable. I guess in a way that it isn't so bad that they haven't been used again, because then they would have just been killed off in the last big cross-over, and we don't want THAT to happen.
I assume that they are living happily together on Key West or something. Saying ARRRRGGHH a lot.
That little fuchsia skull flower thing on his hat... Is that real? Because it's amazing.
I think it's marzipan.
If I had a toady, I'd make him wear a magenta beret and sweat-cuffs, too.
He wore a raspberry beret
The kind you find in a pirate clothes store
A raspberry beret
And for the Cap'n's pleasure he didn't wear much more
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