Friday, May 11, 2007

Groovy Chick Month 6: Judy Walton

Like all the Sea Devils, Judy Walton is a vastly superior being. This is such common knowledge that I scarcely feel any need to elaborate. But that's never stopped me before.

Judy Walton is the Ultimate Woman, tantalizing in her perfection, yet ever unattainable, always just beyond your reach.




On an average dive, Judy Walton saves the life of a Treasury agent and captures a diamond smuggler, dismissing it as "Nothing much":

Little known fact:
Judy Walton invented waterproof lipstick.



Judy Walton saved Dane Dorrance from losing his innocence to a swordfish, using nothing more than a life preserver from the Marie Celeste. No, really; the Marie Celeste.
Underwater partners don't get more creative than Judy Walton, fellas.


Needless to say, Judy Walton knows the pleasures of sweet sweet octopus love.

Daily, in fact.


Judy Walton is no frilly female; she's as cool as an ice queen.

See? Told ya so.


Judy Walton has special abilities all her own. For example, her disturbing ice queen eyes and impermeable lip gloss give her precognitive abilities.

Oh, Judy; we don't need any sea witch but you, you enchantress!


Judy Walton can violate the fourth wall -- and you -- at will.

Apparently, it's genetic.


Judy Walton's incomparable interpersonal skills and elocution make her the mistress of any social situation, no matter how potentially awkward it might otherwise be.

Really, the more you stare at this panel and contemplate the context,
the worse it gets.



Judy Walton even has the ability to lead her companions telepathically in nursery rhymes in pig latin underwater.

Let's see Mera do that.


In short, Judy Walton is not merely a groovy chick, but, as mentioned, a vastly superior being. So don't mess with Judy Walton.

Unless she orders you to.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

  • Fabian Nicieza's story in Action. I can't recall reading a story where Superman (or any other hero) had to deal with quite this situation with a "faith-based" hero. I find the subtle exploration of the pros and cons of religion enjoyable. Plus, it's a got fun usage of Superman's vision powers, and the art gives Superman a look he rarely has: really hot.
  • Peter Milligan's "Kid Amazo" is so zany in premise that it's actually working for me, particularly the idea that the Kid wants to rebel against his father by becoming a good guy. Still, judging by Milligan's writing of Martian Manhunter and the Flash, he's never read a JLA comic before; wherever they are, it's not New Earth. See what happens, Brad, when you put Geo-Force in the League?
  • The Spectre story (an eight-part "Orient Express") is finally over! If that doesn't make you happy, I can't imagine what would. I decided today that the story is actually an ingenious experiment in metaliterary theory: through it, the Spectre is punishing US with seemingly endless ironic torment. "THANKS TO THE DEMANDS OF YOUR BLOODTHIRSTINESS AND THE ROLLING HEAD OF PANTHA, GENERATIONS OF MINOR MISCREANTS HAVE DIED HORRIBLY BY MY HAND! YOU WANTED GORE AND IRONIC PUNISHMENT; NOW YOU SHALL HAVE MORE THAN YOUR FILL!" I don't blame writer David Lapham; I blame Geo-Force. When in doubt, blame Geo-Force.
  • And, of course, beloved Dr. 13, who saves the day with his lack of faith. Any story where characters collectively quote "Windmills of Your Mind" and fight the empty costumes of Justice Leaguers is okay by me.
  • The "wardrobe" joke and the visual that accompanies it.
  • Darkseid playing Heroclix! But who's the blonde lady in the scarf? Did he have her customized?
  • The ad for Countdown that appears in Countdown 51 made me laugh out loud; I wasn't expecting that button. So, since Ralph Dibny (in 52) left Jean Loring trapped or frozen or whatever, and since all the ads for Countdown have avoided showing Eclipso's face ... is it possible that there will be a NEW Eclipso other than Crazy Jean? Who could it be?
  • Monitor-on-monitor violence! Blockade Boy must be in heaven with all these muttonchops.
  • Monitors travel in giant soap bubbles just like Glinda the Good Witch? That's adorable!
  • The solution to the great disaster? Priceless!

In other news...

A shout out to my friend and Big Monkey stalwart, sassy ass-kicking Sherin Nicole, for her on-line Washington Post interview. She's a credit to orange people everywhere.

Congrats to Jonnie B on his new Jon Hex Lives banner, which is much better than Devon's.

The Martian Manhunter is mad: I blame Geo-Force.

Big Monkey is going to run a comic book quizbowl, which should be a hoot. I used to coach college bowl (shocking, huh?) so I'm tasked with coming up with the questions. While the contestants practice their geek fu, I'm trying to arrange for Ulysses Campbell to film the event so we can post it on line. Congrats to Ulysses, by the way, on the first airing of his cable show "Fantastic Forum" on DCTV.

Speaking of airing ... what would you pay to listen to Scipio Garling of the Absorbascon (that's me), Devon Sanders of Seven Hells, Jon Carey of Facedown in the Gutters, Ben Hatton of Those Wednesdays, and Jonnie Brooks of Jon Hex Lives discuss and debate the latest comic book issues and stories in their usual witty way? Absolutely nothing, you say? Perfect, since that's exactly what it will cost you to listen to the BIG MONKEY PODCAST. Tech Guru Ben will gather us on Wednesday May 23 to record our first roundtable; we'll let you know as soon as it's up and available for download!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Groovy Chick Month 5: Sapphire Stagg

Sapphire Stagg.


Is she groovy because she is achingly beautiful and curvaceous?


Is she groovy because she's the heir of the absurdly wealthy genius-tycoon Simon "Choke on My Pet Lap Snake!" Stagg?

Is she groovy because she's a hip, sassy, trend-setting jet-setter and goofy-footing hot-dogger, who once hired goons to attack Batman?

No.


Sapphire Stagg is groovy because when her beau transformed from a sexy Josh Berstein- like hunk into a gruesome elemental monstrosity, her devotion to him wavered not in the slightest or even for an instant.


That is one groovy chick.


P.S. Except, of course, for that one time where she got ticked that Rex had broken up with her, so she married some other guy. Which, somehow, makes her that much groovier.

Saw it on Indiewire and couldn't resist!



"Their minimum objective must be...





...the entire world!"

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Monkey Business

What do you think of Spider-Man 3?

Superhero Comic Book Discussion Group for Women starts.

Prepare for the Big Monkey Comics Quiz Bowl!

Try some cowboy comics!

Dr. Benhatton reviews Hulk: Worldbreaker.

Groovy Chick Month 4: Julie Jively

Today, let's talk about one of Lois Lane's former roommates. Do I mean marvelous Marsha Mallow, one of our Absorbafaves?


Do I mean Kristen Cutler, piranha-loving, knife-wielding lunatic?


NO! The chick I mean is EVEN GROOVIER.


Once upon a time (Lois Lane 120), Lois Lane's sister got involved with the sinister crime cartel called the 100, then was (apparently) killed in South America. This led to exactly what you'd expect: Lois tied to a giant bull's-eye while a pack of Frito Banditos aim their darts at her nether regions. I just hate it when that happens!

Sometimes, to paraphrase Freud, a dart is just a dart.
This is not one of those times.



Anyway, the whole adventure wrecks Lois's composure and she goes missing for a month and winds up wandering the streets of what in Metropolis passes as the bad part of town (meaning that the sidewalk ice cream vendors there don't carry sprinkles).

Lois is (of course) mugged and who comes her aid? No, not Superman!


JULIE JIVELY!


Okay, I don't really know what her last name was; it's never mentioned (please, readers, correct me if it was every clarified in some later story, because I'd love to know what her last name really is).

Marsha and Kristen got last names when they exercised their power of introposition. But when Julie met Lois, she was too busy kicking tail to introposition herself.

But if the fat roommate is Marsha Mallow and the knife-wielding roommate is Kristen Cutler, it's pretty clear that this story, despite Bronze Age political sensibilities, still has Silver Age naming conventions. Thus, the sassy black roommate must be named Julie Jively.

In fact, I bet at the apartment they even stand around in alphabetical order: Julie Jively, Kristen Cutler, Lois Lane, and Marsha Mallow. Thank Schwartz the apartment wasn't any bigger or we'd be dealing with a French stewardess named No-No Nanette.

Not only does Julie Jively wear matching purple belt, hot pants, and hip boots (all leather, I assume) while kicking tail, but she also sasses you while doing it.



Oh, but remember, folks (and Batwoman), there's a price to pay for fighting crime in heels:

Fabulous high-kick, though. She could be one of the Metropolis Rockettes!


Don't worry, kids! Seeing Julie Jively in danger, Lois Lane comes to her senses and beats the muggers senseless with some garbage can lids. Welcome back, Lo-Lo! A standard Lois versus Evil Landlord Scheme follows, but the important part is this:


Yep. All those famously hip outfits Lois wore in the 1970s? The boots, the bangles, the beads? The minis, the micros, the midriffs? The headbands, the hot pants, the hip-huggers?

They belonged to JULIE JIVELY.


Julie Jiveley was a no-nonsense chick who talked turkey.

Butterball turkey, in fact.
P.S. Ladies, please get back in alphabetical order!


Julie Jively calls a woman she met that day and is planning on living with "Butterball", and starts controlling her life almost immediately. In comic books, this sort of behavior is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. In our world, it's the beginning of Stockholm Syndrome.

She's hip, she's sassy, she's a major busybody; how could she get any better? Why, she's well-educated and sultry, too!

It's the middle of the night, and you've awakened just in time to disarm your knife-wielding psycho of a roommate before she ventilates the orange Naugahyde sofa. Do you have the presence of mind to make a sassy Shakespearean reference? Julie Jively does.

Damn it, ladies, you're standing out of order again!


Not only is witty Julie Jively a Friend of the Bard, she's sultry. How do we know this? Just look, for pity's sake:
  • Lois Lane is wearing a frilly "What color is my underwear?/Oh, save me, Superman!" nightie with matching slippers.
  • Marsha Mallow is sporting classic "Ethel Mertz: Prisoner of Cellblock H" sleepwear.
  • Julie Jively? Going barefoot in her "Leave the money on the table" red negligee. Besides, an editorial caption actually calls her "sultry Julie", just so there's no doubt.

Convinced yet? I've got one more try to help you understand the grooviness that is Julie Jively.

The scene is a crowded Metropolis lecture hall. Metropolitans, remember, get attacked by Brainiac or giant gorillas every other week, so they can get a little edgy. Earlier that day, an escalator had malfunctioned, so the crowd's pretty tense already. Suddenly, the lights in the auditorium go out. What does any sensible resident of Metropolis do?


ASSUME IT'S A BOMB AND PANIC!


Keeping her cool (something a girl has to know how to do these days), Julie Jively immediately leaps onto the stage and leads her roommates in



AN AUDIENCE-ENTRANCING HIGH-STEPPING KICKLINE!


Ah, I knew those high kicks of hers would come in handy some day! But the ladies are STILL out of order; what the heck is this, JLA #7?

Monday, May 07, 2007

"This looks like a job for...!"

I know what some of you REALLY need, even if you won't admit it...


He's older!

He's powerful!

He's domineering!

He smokes cigars and appreciates sweet fruits!

He likes to teach young men a lesson!

Even if he has to hurt them to do it!

He wears a tight full-body costume!

And sometimes a lead-lined hood!

He might make you wear a full-body costume and hood, and play with giant vibrators ... if you're lucky!
He is
MASTERMAN!