THE DCU IS WHOLE AGAIN!

So, quite a lot has been going on in the DCU, in the comics, on the telly, and upon the big screen.

None of which has moved me to write.

But this week?  Oh, this week changed EVERYTHING.

This week, as part of the ongoing fix of Superman's backstory, Superman had the Fortress of Solitude, well...tell him his own backstory.  As victim of head-injured-based amnesia myself, I was quite envious.  Of course I suppose nowadays our Facebook pages can do that for us.

Anyway, there are several interesting pieces of news in that retelling (e.g., Lex and Clark now knew each other growing up, Jonathan and Martha seem to be alive again, Clark's back working at the Planet).  Most of that I pretty much expected. 

But this? THIS?!?!?!?

That's a spread on Clark's coworkers.
Perry White.
Lois Lane.
Jimmy Olsen.
Ron Troupe.
Steve Lombard.
And...
and...
I can barely contain myself when typing it....

MELBA MANTON.

Mel. 
Ba. 
Man. 
Ton. 

The ORIGINAL groovy chick of Groovy Chick Month 2007.  Earring intact.

DC, you make me happy. You make me proud. You make me whole.

Groovy Chick Month 10: Cassandra Craft

Okay, put on your thinking cap: without knowing anything about her at all, who is automatically, conceptually, by definition the grooviest chick in the entire DCU?

Why, the Phantom Stranger's girlfriend, of course. I mean, Julius H. Schwartz, I feel special just because I'm in the guy's extended network, and she's his GIRLFRIEND.

She's the girlfriend of the Phantom Stranger, who could have any man, woman, or mythical construct he wanted. And she just gets groovier from that point on, if such a thing is possible.

Kind?


She rescued the Phantom Stranger after he got mugged on New York subway and nursed him back to health. And she was smart enough to know to leave his gloves on, because if you take them off, the multiverse ends. Happened once, in 1985, I think.

Oh, and, yes, he really did get mugged on the subway. Mystically mugged, mind you, but mugged nonetheless.

Beautiful?


And tough enough to survive simultaneous attacks by Dracula and Frankenstein's monster. She's also psychic. Not a "the Padres will win this year" kind of psychic. A "I know certain things when I need to know them" kind of psychic. Would you expect any less of the Phantom Stranger's girlfiend?

If you're wondering how any mortal could possibly gaze upon the full glory of the Phantom Stranger naked (well ... except for the gloves) and survive, well ... she can, because she's blind. Hence the pink outfit.

Her own grooviness is the only fashion accessory she needs. Although in Grant Morrison's Zatanna miniseries (issue 2) she's wearing the Phantom Stranger's medallion.

Just let that sink in.

The Phantom Stranger
let
her
wear
his
medallion.

That's Cassandra Craft. Here she is sassing the friggin' Phantom Stranger when he tries to pull his "I walk a path none should follow" routine.

Wait -- did she just call a man in an opera cape and fedora ridiculous?

"What? Like I'm going to stay here rather than traipse off to a desert in Egypt with a weirdly dressed nameless guy I found unconscious last night in a subway station?
What kind of a wuss do you take me for, Mister?!"

I've read lots of comics and most of the ones that have the Phantom Stranger in them. In all of that, I can think of only five characters who've ever sassed the Phantom Stranger and lived to tell about it: The Spectre, Darkseid, Eclipso, Dr. Thirteen, and Cassandra Craft. That's might impressive company.

There are none so blind as those who will not see the grooviness of Cassandra Craft. If you know her, you love her. And if you love her, you are ...

the Phantom Stranger.

Groovy Chick Month 9: Nurse Lea Tauntsalot

You say you want a "naughty nurse"? Have I got the woman for you...!


I've spoken about this particular groovy chick before, during my encomium of Captain Storm. She's the woman who nursed him back to health with her own brand of "tough love", Nurse Lea Tauntsalot.

Okay, okay ... her last name isn't really "Tauntsalot". Like Lois's black roommate, Lea doesn't get a last name. Frankly, that's probably for the best. Given that she's Hawaiian, and in a comic book, her name is probably something like "Kamanawanaflaya".

Lea's grooviness comes not from trendy clothes or fighting skills. It comes entirely from her ability to wield her domineering personality to crush brave warriors without even raising her hand. Well, and the crisp white nurse's uniform is pretty snazzy.

How groovy is Lea? Propriety, convention, professionalism -- these are as nothing to her. When met with her Fire of Ancient Hawaiian Kings Who Battled Unknown Seas (tm), nothing remains of them except charred embers, baby.


It's her first day on the job. He is her first patient. Captain Storm is to be the first recipient of the gentle kindness of Nurse Lea. Soon she will crush his spirit under her iron will; then she make him her sex toy. Why? Because that's what physical therapists do, baby ... when driven by the Fire of Ancient Hawaiian Kings Who Battled Unknown Seas (tm)

"Those who are tardy do not get fruit-cup!"

"Do you want me or do you just want to lie there and 'daydream' with your 'wooden leg', Lieutenant?" And Captain Storm begs for less bondage, more discipline! "Wait-- please..?" Oh, it's immediately, pathetically clear: it's a match made in Hell! She forces him to earn her "love" by enduring an endless series of humiliating tasks designed to break his spirit and make him her love-toy.

"Dance for my amusement, my little one-legged monkey; dance!"

"You're not a man; you're not even a little girl!
Little girls can play hopscotch!"

"Higher! I want you to fall as far as possible when your arms finally give out,
so your pain will be that much greater as I laugh
over the broken marionette of your shattered body!"


"Crawling on all fours like the dog you are!"
Who knew there were graduate schools in nursing on Apokolips?

"Blessed Kameamea, I can't stifle the laughter any more! I've broken his spirit so completely-- ah, the laughter, it's bursting from my eyes and flowing down my cheeks...!"

"mmmmWell, I was asleep,
until you woke me up again, you sadistic witch. Kiss me!"

Here she comes a-taunting, with her smile of sick delight!

"Why, you're my little prize, Bill! But you're weak; you can't handle it all. You can't 'man my battle stations' 24 hours a day, Bill, and that's what I want, that's what I demand. You're weak, Bill, and you're going to crack. And when you do you'll lose me, because I despise your weakness, Little Billy Spankypants. In fact, I'm turning away right now. I may be leaving you right now, Bill...!"



You know, with that flower in her hair, she becomes nursing's version of Niecy Nash. She's so cruel, in fact, that, apparently, she changes her name to Wanda for no reason at all.

Maybe it's just to confuse Captain Storm, so that when he calls her by the wrong name, she can give him a tongue-lashing: "Simpering sissy! You must call me 'Wanda' now! And your name is now Billy Spankypants. Speak, Billy; SPEAK MY NAME!"

Perhaps the writers themselves became afraid of her, and changed her name lest they accidentally say "Lea Tauntsalot" three times in a row, and bring her monstrous self from her world into ours.

So, why does Captain Storm endure it? Well, obviously, it takes all kinds. But besides that, Nurse Tauntsalot is HOT AND SAUCY!

DANG! Well, now we know why she stays with him!

Groovy Chick Month 8: Enrichetta Negrini

The Search for Ray Palmer? Forget about Ray Palmer; start searching for his assistant!


She was an Italian knockout and an outstanding scientist. A cutting edge physicist and a shiny-haired beauty. As at home in the Eternal City as in the Eternal Laws, she was Gina Lolabrigitta and Lise Meitner combined.

The one, the only:

Enrichetta Negrini!

Enrichetta Negrini was an Italian graduate student of Ray Palmer's at Ivy University. She was actually named for her countryman and fellow physicist, Enrico Fermi, which despite being really "comic-booky" is still pretty darned cool.

"Why didn't I bring a flamethrower, just in case?"
Jean is asking herself.

Enrichetta possesses the power of introposition, which is always groovy. And cute when done with an Italian accent!

Enrichetta didn't need go-go boots or love beads to be groovy. She rocked her simple, sleek dresses, pouty lips, massively arched eyebrows, and the warrior helmet hairdo that protected her enormously powerful and valuable brain.

How smart was Enrichetta? Smart enough to keep up with Ray Palmer; that's scary smart!

"We'll see how smart you are when I step on that big brain of yours with my tiny boots!"
Jean thought.

Unlike Ray Palmer, who never seemed to even think of using his amazing discoveries to advance society rather than just play hero, Enrichetta sees the world-changing possibilities of technology.


At one point, she could even turn things into gold with her mind (and the Philosopher's Stone); but that's another story entirely.

"Enrichetta's amazing, honey! Today she invented a hyper-space prober!" Ray said.
"Oh, and, um... what did you do today, Jean?"

What became of Enrichetta Negrini, the beautiful and brilliant pioneer of hyper-space? If only someone, say, perhaps the writer on the Atom, would bring back Enrichetta Negrini, who was one groovy chick!

Grovvy Chick Month 7: Batwoman

It would be hard to find a bigger fan of the new Batwoman (Kate Kane) than I. But today I sing the praises of the original Batwoman, Kathy Kane.

Kathy was a wealthy heiress/circus daredevil. Now, that may seem odd to you, if you don't live in the DCU. But attention-seeking media-hound wealthy heiresses are, in fact, not unheard of in our own universe. Kathy Kane was essentially Paris Hilton.

Except Kathy was smart. And attractive. And capable. And devoted to helping others. And clothed. And able to open a door without an instructional manual or a major loss of blood.

Okay, okay; she wasn't like Paris Hilton at all. But Kathy Kane was both glamorous and bold. BOLD! Characters really don't come any bolder than Kathy Kane.

How bold was Kathy Kane?

So bold that she decided to become a crimefighter, without even a scarring childhood loss to motivate her.

So bold that stole Batman's schtick without asking him.

So bold that she said, "Piffel!" when Batman told her to stop.

So bold she once slapped Batman in public.

So bold that she fought crime in a bright red, yellow, and black outfit. To do that you have to be either a total moron or incredibly bold.

Possibly both.

She was not merely bold, but noble. When the opportunity presented itself for her to unmask Batman and get him off her back, she let it pass because to take advantage that way would have been unfair. When the opportunity presented itself for Batman to discover her identity, he did, and promptly blackmailed her out of being Batwoman again. Paternalistic, chauvinistic control-freak.

Oh, and lest anyone forget, without Batwoman we wouldn't have Cat-Man; he was introduced to be her counterpart to Batman's Catwoman!

So while I love our current Batwoman, let's all give some credit to one of comics' original groovy chicks, Kathy Kane. Over time, I've become one of her biggest fans!

Groovy Chick Month 6: Judy Walton

Like all the Sea Devils, Judy Walton is a vastly superior being. This is such common knowledge that I scarcely feel any need to elaborate. But that's never stopped me before.

Judy Walton is the Ultimate Woman, tantalizing in her perfection, yet ever unattainable, always just beyond your reach.




On an average dive, Judy Walton saves the life of a Treasury agent and captures a diamond smuggler, dismissing it as "Nothing much":

Little known fact:
Judy Walton invented waterproof lipstick.

Judy Walton saved Dane Dorrance from losing his innocence to a swordfish, using nothing more than a life preserver from the Marie Celeste. No, really; the Marie Celeste.

Underwater partners don't get more creative than Judy Walton, fellas.

Needless to say, Judy Walton knows the pleasures of sweet sweet octopus love.

Daily, in fact.

Judy Walton is no frilly female; she's as cool as an ice queen.

See? Told ya so.

Judy Walton has special abilities all her own. For example, her disturbing ice queen eyes and impermeable lip gloss give her precognitive abilities.

Oh, Judy; we don't need any sea witch but you, you enchantress!

Judy Walton can violate the fourth wall -- and you -- at will.

Apparently, it's genetic.

Judy Walton's incomparable interpersonal skills and elocution make her the mistress of any social situation, no matter how potentially awkward it might otherwise be.

Really, the more you stare at this panel and contemplate the context,
the worse it gets.

Judy Walton even has the ability to lead her companions telepathically in nursery rhymes in pig latin underwater.

Let's see Mera do that.

In short, Judy Walton is not merely a groovy chick, but, as mentioned, a vastly superior being. So don't mess with Judy Walton.

Unless she orders you to.

Groovy Chick Month 5: Sapphire Stagg

Sapphire Stagg.


Is she groovy because she is achingly beautiful and curvaceous?


Is she groovy because she's the heir of the absurdly wealthy genius-tycoon Simon "Choke on My Pet Lap Snake!" Stagg?

Is she groovy because she's a hip, sassy, trend-setting jet-setter and goofy-footing hot-dogger, who once hired goons to attack Batman?

No.


Sapphire Stagg is groovy because when her beau transformed from a sexy Josh Berstein- like hunk into a gruesome elemental monstrosity, her devotion to him wavered not in the slightest or even for an instant.


That is one groovy chick.

P.S. Except, of course, for that one time where she got ticked that Rex had broken up with her, so she married some other guy. Which, somehow, makes her that much groovier.

Groovy Chick Month 4: Julie Jively

Today, let's talk about one of Lois Lane's former roommates. Do I mean marvelous Marsha Mallow, one of our Absorbafaves?


Do I mean Kristen Cutler, piranha-loving, knife-wielding lunatic?


NO! The chick I mean is EVEN GROOVIER.

Once upon a time (Lois Lane 120), Lois Lane's sister got involved with the sinister crime cartel called the 100, then was (apparently) killed in South America. This led to exactly what you'd expect: Lois tied to a giant bull's-eye while a pack of Frito Banditos aim their darts at her nether regions. I just hate it when that happens!

Sometimes, to paraphrase Freud, a dart is just a dart.
This is not one of those times.

Anyway, the whole adventure wrecks Lois's composure and she goes missing for a month and winds up wandering the streets of what in Metropolis passes as the bad part of town (meaning that the sidewalk ice cream vendors there don't carry sprinkles).

Lois is (of course) mugged and who comes her aid? No, not Superman!

JULIE JIVELY!

Okay, I don't really know what her last name was; it's never mentioned (please, readers, correct me if it was every clarified in some later story, because I'd love to know what her last name really is).

Marsha and Kristen got last names when they exercised their power of introposition. But when Julie met Lois, she was too busy kicking tail to introposition herself.

But if the fat roommate is Marsha Mallow and the knife-wielding roommate is Kristen Cutler, it's pretty clear that this story, despite Bronze Age political sensibilities, still has Silver Age naming conventions. Thus, the sassy black roommate must be named Julie Jively.

In fact, I bet at the apartment they even stand around in alphabetical order: Julie Jively, Kristen Cutler, Lois Lane, and Marsha Mallow. Thank Schwartz the apartment wasn't any bigger or we'd be dealing with a French stewardess named No-No Nanette.

Not only does Julie Jively wear matching purple belt, hot pants, and hip boots (all leather, I assume) while kicking tail, but she also sasses you while doing it.



Oh, but remember, folks (and Batwoman), there's a price to pay for fighting crime in heels:

Fabulous high-kick, though. She could be one of the Metropolis Rockettes!


Don't worry, kids! Seeing Julie Jively in danger, Lois Lane comes to her senses and beats the muggers senseless with some garbage can lids. Welcome back, Lo-Lo! A standard Lois versus Evil Landlord Scheme follows, but the important part is this:


Yep. All those famously hip outfits Lois wore in the 1970s? The boots, the bangles, the beads? The minis, the micros, the midriffs? The headbands, the hot pants, the hip-huggers?

They belonged to JULIE JIVELY.


Julie Jiveley was a no-nonsense chick who talked turkey.

Butterball turkey, in fact.
P.S. Ladies, please get back in alphabetical order!

Julie Jively calls a woman she met that day and is planning on living with "Butterball", and starts controlling her life almost immediately. In comic books, this sort of behavior is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. In our world, it's the beginning of Stockholm Syndrome.

She's hip, she's sassy, she's a major busybody; how could she get any better? Why, she's well-educated and sultry, too!

It's the middle of the night, and you've awakened just in time to disarm your knife-wielding psycho of a roommate before she ventilates the orange Naugahyde sofa. Do you have the presence of mind to make a sassy Shakespearean reference? Julie Jively does.

Damn it, ladies, you're standing out of order again!

Not only is witty Julie Jively a Friend of the Bard, she's sultry. How do we know this? Just look, for pity's sake:

• Lois Lane is wearing a frilly "What color is my underwear?/Oh, save me, Superman!" nightie with matching slippers.
• Marsha Mallow is sporting classic "Ethel Mertz: Prisoner of Cellblock H" sleepwear.
• Julie Jively? Going barefoot in her "Leave the money on the table" red negligee. Besides, an editorial caption actually calls her "sultry Julie", just so there's no doubt.

Convinced yet? I've got one more try to help you understand the grooviness that is Julie Jively.

The scene is a crowded Metropolis lecture hall. Metropolitans, remember, get attacked by Brainiac or giant gorillas every other week, so they can get a little edgy. Earlier that day, an escalator had malfunctioned, so the crowd's pretty tense already. Suddenly, the lights in the auditorium go out. What does any sensible resident of Metropolis do?

ASSUME IT'S A BOMB AND PANIC!

Keeping her cool (something a girl has to know how to do these days), Julie Jively immediately leaps onto the stage and leads her roommates in

AN AUDIENCE-ENTRANCING HIGH-STEPPING KICKLINE!

Ah, I knew those high kicks of hers would come in handy some day! But the ladies are STILL out of order; what the heck is this, JLA #7?