Comics' Greatest Female Role Model

She is one of comic's greatest characters. She is a symbol of female empowerment like no other. Her glory and the inspiration she provides actually outweighs the horrific festish-fest of all Marston's bondage-based fiction.

I speak, of course, of Etta Candy.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you think I meant Wonder Woman? Please! Don't make me laugh.

Wonder Woman; so vain that she wouldn't tear masking tape off her eyes for fear of ruining her eyelashes.

Wonder Woman; so shallow that the only thing she says when given her armor symbolizing her new divine mission in Man's World is, "Oh, Mother, how lovely!"

Wonder Woman; so unfeminist that she abandons her home and leaves for Man's World, not because of her holy mission, but because she has a crush on the first man she's ever seen.

Wonder Woman; so spineless and insecure that she cries when someone doesn't think she's attractive.

No, I don't mean Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman is the symbol of all that is WRONG with how women are portrayed in comic books. The dominance fetish, parading about her bathing suit, the obsession with a man, the vanity.

Etta Candy is a real woman. Etta Candy is a role model. Etta Candy, in case you didn't know, is a svelte figure when Wonder Woman, in her guise as a war nurse, meets her. Etta is thin because she's suffering from an illness (inflamation of the spleen, or some such). Once she's cured, she blossoms to her normal size.



Etta Candy is not fat; she is a sturdy woman with some meat on her bones, as opposed to the anexoric top-heavy heroines of today. She's from Texas, you know, where size is appreciated.

Etta Candy does not moon over men. Wonder Woman actually says to her, "You know, Etta, you need to lose some weight if you want to catch a man!" Etta's reply? "Who needs a man when I've got candy?"

Etta is so wise. You'll note that Etta doesn't eat just any candy; you don't see her with lollipops or gumdrops. Etta eats chocolates. No fool, Etta knew long before anyone else did that eating chocolate produces the same chemicals (such as phenylethylamine) in the brain that falling in love and having sex do. Who needs a man when I've got candy? While Diana Prince stamps her foot and sighs over a recalcitrant Steve Trevor, Etta has popped a bon-bon is woo-wooing her way to her next madcap collegiate adventure.

Modern writers haven't done Etta justice. On the WW television show, she was portrayed as a simpering subservient wuss by the actress who was the waitress at Arnold's Drive-In. When she was reintroduced after the Crisis, she was insecure about her weight, jealous of Wonder Woman, desperate to lose weight, and wound up falling for Steve Trevor -- that's everything Etta Candy should NOT be. Suffering Sappho, who thought we needed the Earth-3 version of Etta Candy?

The real Etta Candy doesn't have superstrength, but she still takes on Nazis, gangsters, and Mexican prison guards. The real Etta Candy risks her life for her country every episode, without being nearly invulnerable. Etta Candy doesn't need to be a Helen of Troy to command the respect of men and women alike, and is the head of her sorority. When Etta Candy's fiancee turns out to be a skunk, she dumps him, and says, "Oh, well, I'd prefer a nice horseback ride with Diana anyway!"

I'm not a woman and I don't date them; but I know who my model of a woman is.

And it sure ain't Wonder Woman. Who needs a Wonder Woman when I've got Candy?

The Wonder Woman Nursery Song, Verses 5 & 6

This is way to dance and sing
dance and sing
dance and sing
this is the way to dance and sing
to please my strange Creator.


This is the way we dress like beasts
dress like beasts
dress like beasts
this it the way we dress like beasts
to please my strange Creator.

The Wonder Woman Nursery Song, Verses 3 & 4

This is the way to spank the butt
spank the butt
spank the butt
this is the way to spank the butt
to please my strange Creator.

This is the way I'm bound and gagged
bound and gagged
bound and gagged
this is the way I'm bound and gagged
to please my strange Creator.

The Wonder Woman Nursery Song, Verses 1 & 2

This is the way I don my boots
don my boots
don my boots
this is the way I don my boots
to please my strange Creator.

This is my ladies' marching band
marching band
marching band
this is my ladies' marching band
to please my strange Creator.

Aquaman's new writer interviewed

I'm happy to announce that Big Monkey Comics has the first interview with Tad Williams, the new author on Aquaman (as of issue #50).


And it's full of surprises... .

Steve Trevor, Poet of the Exclamation Point

Wonder Woman gets a lot of attention, but her supporting cast is underappreciated. Let's start today with Steve Trevor.

Could any character have a more bland reputation than Steve Trevor? Lyle Waggoner will do that to you. It's the same reason my agent won't let Casper Van Diehn play me in "Sword of the Absorbascon: the Movie".

But it's undeserved, I tell you. Leaving aside Steve's ability to succesfully pull off outfits that even I, enlightened old P Street gay radical that I am, can describe in no other way than "faintworthily faggy", Steve is one of comics' greatest proponents of More Picturesque Speech. While you won't find him spouting Starman-villain-level oration, Steve is the unacknowledged master of the Expressive Exclamation.

• "Great Hounds of Hades!'
• "You poisonous snake!"
• "They'd have crushed me like a lemon squash!"
• "Say, that speed boat is headed straight for me!"
• "Great calamity kittens!"
• "Here's to *hic* bee-eeyutiful women!"
• "Black Horrors of Hades!"
• "Jittering junebugs!"
• "gog--ooch!"
• "This smoke is frightful!"
• "Great gadzooks!"
• "By the great horn spoon!"
• "Uh-uff-wha-glub!"
• "Great cannabalistic catfish!"
• "Great Caesar's ghost!" (Yes-- that's who Perry stole it from.)
• "By the nibbling Niagara!"
• "ugh-sput-t!"

I have been practicing saying "By the nibbling Niagara!" in the mirror for 30 minutes now, but haven't succeeded in finishing the phrase without laughing yet...

Moulton's Future

Kids; they think everything is new. Well, long before characters like Animal Man and Ambush "pioneered" meta-awareness, Wonder Woman made it obvious that she was a regular reader of her own stories...


Oh, I've made some fun of the whole Wonder Woman bondage thing, but frankly I don't like to because, well, it makes me rather sick how Moulton got away with it and for how long. Nowadays such a person wouldn't be allowed to write for AG comics, let alone DC comics. Nowadays, Moulton would have to write for Bound & Gagged or be penning Saw III.

Yes; yes, I'd definitely say that counts as "close confinement".

I mean, really, there's no way to exaggerate it for comedic effect, because it can't be exaggerated. And it's not like one can make sniggering innuedi at such obvious B&D; one might as well try to make ribaldry about The Boys.

So I shall praeteritively press on to the story whose oddities sparked Wonder Woman Week here at the Absorbascon, the one where Moulton gives us his idea of the future. I haven't the strength to recall in any detail the, well, I guess I'll call it "the plot". Suffice it to say the Amazons pulled out some Golden Plot Device that allows them to show the world of 1000 years hence.

And what is that future like? In short...

Wonder Woman and her friends are still alive; don't ask. Gee, Moulton sure got that one wrong; Etta Candy didn't even make it to New Earth.

The first woman president has just been elected. Such was Moulton's great faith in women that he thought it would take only 1000 years for one to be elected president.

She's opposed (of course) by a "man's party", which includes Senator Heeman and the aptronymical Grafton Patronage; obviously Moulton and Kirby sat behind each other in "Naming Your Characters" class at Comic Creator College.

Woman are (still?) silly ninnies easily fooled by men and swayed by their looks.

There are still secretaries. They are still all women. They wear horrid costumes with built-in devices that allow dictation to be beamed to her brain and automatically controlling her arms. And Diana Prince is still a secretary, working for the same General she's always worked. For the last
ONE
THOUSAND
YEARS.

Heck of a glass ceiling, that.


Security guards are all women, dressed like majorettes. Gee, kindly female prison-tenders dressed like marching girls: Moulton's future utopia. Manly men dress like Terra-Man and unmanly men dress like, well, like Steve Trevor.

Boys are "US"

In the future, you see, Blockade Boy designs everyone's outfit.

Golden Age Wonder Woman Week Begins

If this doesn't terrify you for Halloween, I can't imagine what would:
Are you ready for ... Golden Age Wonder Woman Week?

RFG

There are two types of people in the comic book world:

1. those who knew immediately what "RFG" stood for in the title of this post and
2. those who did not.

I'm one of the former and, if you're reading this blog, you probably are, too.

If I were younger I might have waited to see whether Wizkids would make these fanboy favorites, but I'm not certain I've got another 250 years left in me. So I tasked Totaltoyz with creating ...

the Royal Flush Gang.

As you'll remember, they came in second in our last Custom Heroclix poll.

I weep for their beauty. And they are going to be a butt-kicking team, I think, particularly in combination with either the Joker or the custom Amos Fortune I've ordered; bring it on, JLAers!

Four Out of Five Dentists Choose....

I need some help with a question:

during one Aquaman storyline, Neptune (or was it Poseidon?) gave him his trident.

What did it do? What happened to it?

Just Imagine ... Mike Grell's Justice League

Things That Made Me Happy...

in this week's comics.

• In Action this week it became apparent that, thanks to decades of local property damage and alien attacks, the pigeons of Metropolis have become completely unflappable. That's Darwinism in Action.
• The Daily Star scoops the Planet with photos of Superman saving Jimmy Olsen (again).
• Clark Kent finally realizes just how impressive Ma and Pa Kent are.
• In JSA Classified, Bane turns out to be lying (!) and Rick Tyler outwits him stylishly. I don't know who writer Tony Bedard is, but I now officially like him; he is a Disciple of Sundell.
• In Secret Six, the innocence of Knockout is touching.
• Vandal Savage's choice of "son-in-law"? Brilliant, logical, and I never saw it coming.
• Mad Hatter kicking Dr. Psycho's ass. Yes, Dr. Psycho, you are sick and disturbed; but the Mad Hatter is five kinds of crazy.
• Meanwhile, in 52 .... what is it with all the cannabilism in comic books lately? I blame zombies.
• Good to see the Squid.
• In Justice, Batman calls Superman on his BS ... finally!
• Plastic Man calling the Elongated Man a useless, self-absorbed whiner ... finally!
• Green Lantern's visitor and what he has to say about Hal's real weakness.
• GODS, Krueger is good! He knows that Wonder Woman's inhuman perfection IS her flaw and is destroying her through her own feet of clay.
• And AGAIN, Krueger knocks it out of the park with Aquaman, who is, as I've always suspected, the real leader of the Justice League.
• Jim Krueger, you are a Golden Apostle of Sundell, and you understand DC's icons better than anyone else who's written the Justice League not only recently but perhaps ever.
• Oh, what's with the giant ovoid creature in 52? Wow, I never saw THAT one coming!
  

Mama Spank

Far be it for me to be distressed at any non-violative reason that someone visits this blog. However...!

I'm now officially sick of the whole "oo, superheroes doing/threatening spankings!" thing. The image that people are looking for that leads them here is one I posted of Bruce Wayne gleefully spanking Dick Grayson (and NO I will not provide a link). And if I see someone coo about that damned Batman "papa spank" panel one more time... ! C'mon, people; you know it's tired once it's been in Wizard.

But, ever constructive, I shall, instead of just carping, give you all something ELSE to think about.
Here. Let me make that even clearer for you.

Happy now?

Announcing All-Gay Comics!

Recently I won untold millions in a multistate lottery, and, rather than spend it on myself, I'm using it to create a new comic book, All-Gay Comics (or "AG" as it will be called casually). That's just the way I roll.

Rather than creating new characters, we'll be using the host of old ones left to the public domain by Ace Periodicals. That's because I have enormous respect for the Golden Age (and because that will avoid paying creators for the rights to their characterst). Blockade Boy is being hired to design them all new Mike Grell style costumes, but Fernando Albea will the regular artist on all books (he will be ghosted by a revenant Lou Fine). I have no writers lined up, but, with Abner Sundell as my guide, I guess I could just write everything myself ... just like my idols, Bob Kane and Stan Lee!

Chuck Dixon will be Editor-in-Chief.

Our goal at AG Comics is to return comics to their original purpose: making sure little boys turn out to be gay. For little girls we'll just reprint stuff from the Wonder Woman Archives.

This'll work out well, because that's what I got assigned to do at the last Homosexual Agenda Conference, and my "Queer Eye: The Animated Series" pilot got nixed.

Place your pre-orders now for the following titles...!

Lone Warrior

As you would expect from his name, "Lone Warrior" is brightly dressed in a star-spangled outfit and has a constant companion, named Dicky.

Both LW and Dicky have "W" scars on their chests (the story behind THAT will be told in a Very Special Foil Covered Issue). Dicky is publically billed as LW's "little brother", which, given their obvious generic disparity, is pretty iffy.

Their powers come from injecting themselves with "Power Elixir". At least, I'm told that's what the kids call it nowadays.

Oh, and that gigantic hand? Just wait until you see what it does to Dicky in the Annual!

Unknown Soldier

The "DL GI" has superstrength and invulnerability, but, more fabulously, the ability to spin in the air fast enough to create tornados.

He has a special friend, Danny Morgan, who limps, for some unknown reason.

Blockade Boy has been instructed NOT to alter Unknown Soldier's costume.


Mr. Risk

Mr. Risk is the "man who knows no fear". He's a good fighter and highly intelligent. He's seen here with his "faithful companion and servant", Abdul, who's extremely hot, even in bellbottoms and red pumps.

As part of an agreement I have arranged with the Department of Health, Mr. Risk and Abdul will be co-starring in series of PSAs on safe sex.


The Sword

Arthur Lakehas an alter ego: The Sword, known for packing pounding excitement in every page (the Sword is Mark Foley's favorite hero). When the Sword starts waving his weapon around, mouths fall open in amazement.

The Sword has a sidekicked named "Lancer". I'm working on their first movie deal with Falcon Studios.

Marvo

Marvo the Magician has the power of illusion, which he can use with a well-timed flick of his wrist.

Marvo's sidekick is Tito, a superintelligent monkey. Of course, with his power of illusion he can make Tito look like anything, even, say, a movie star. It's best not to think about it.