The Glass of Poison, Part Six; ALMOST too late, I guess!

We left Speed and Saunders-Girl yesterdayin a Lacquer Lake cabin, at the mercy of "Big Shot" Bettini, unproved murderer of author Philippa Rowen. Ever-polite Bettini makes a oddly highlighted offer to Speed...

In all the zillions of comics I have read, this is literally the ONLY time I have ever seen text in a word balloon highlighted in this fashion.  Whatever innovation you imagine, it was probably done first in a Golden Age comic you just haven't seen it yet.

 

Suspicious of the highlighting, Speed, realizing that time is of the essence and determined not to be Too Late again, takes the liberty of SKIPPING VOWELS to get to the point.

SNFF! SNFF!

NOW Speed has all the evidence he needs, so all HECK breaks loose!

Speeds distracts the villains by trapping them inside an enforced choreographic reproduction of Pablo Picasso's recently painted Guernica, NOW IN COLOR!

Bettini is the Bull; I think Speed is the Horse.
Red-stripe guy is the Floaty Face.

In the scuffle, Speeds takes advantage of his superior knowledge of contemporary art (gleaned no doubt from book in the Metropolitan Library or under the tutelage of his cousin, Slow Saunders, Ace Art Restorationist), to (somehow) regain his pistol and control of the situation...

just in time for the arrival of FRANK, the Safety Patrolman whom he earlier engaged as backup.

"You are worthless, Frank.  If it weren't for my weird fetish for burly strong-jawed mustachioed authority figures in leather sashes, I'd shoot you right now on the spot."

Speed remands the villains into Hank's strong, if tardy, hands, and prepares to be asked for: THE SPEEDSPLANATION!

Betty knows she has ONE job in this strip. It's STUPID, but she's going to do it.

HERE WE GO:

That...

makes sense. Like, completely.  

I mean, it's still unclear just how Bettini casually visited Phillippa Rowen and convinced the woman poised to destroy his reputation utterly to have a drink and a cigarette with him, but... it's 1938.  People didn't do ANYTHING without having a drink and a cigarette.  

But for a Speed Saunders plot it makes a SHOCKING amount of sense.  And we were actually given all the clues we needed to figure it out.  Lipstick on the body but not on the glass; Speed insisting that the glass be siphoned not poured (lest the LACK of lip marks be obscured by pouring). Sure, it would have been fairer if you'd seen an ashtray (not the used cigarette, which Bettini surely took with him) with the body, but, again, it's 1938; there's an ashtray EVERYWHERE.

Speed fooled us all by giving us a pretty fair chance of solving the mystery. Speed always wins.

The Glass of Poison, Part Five: Speed Arrives Too Late and Just In Time

As we anticipated, Speeds arrives too late (as in tardy) to save Betty Palmer, confidant of Speed's late (as in dead) downstairs neighbor, author Phillippa Rowen, from being kidnapped by gangster "Big Shot" Bettini.

That panel belongs in a gallery. If Roy Lichenstein had ever encountered a Speed Saunders comic, we would live in a very different world indeed.

With characteristic Golden Age respect for saving shoe leather, we smash-cut right to Speed speeding away in the Speedmobile, which he somehow recovered after taking a subway and a taxi to Betty's place.

"I do wish Cousin Slow had gotten around to putting the top back on the car, for it is often cold there by Lacquer Lake!"

Why does Speed know that Bettini has a cabin on Lacquer Lake? Because it saves time, of course. Once he arrives at Lacquer Lake via swift traveling, he uses one of his special powers: conjuring a mustachioed mono-syllabically-named Safety Patrol officer as back up.

I envision this scene as performance utterance.  It isn't that Hank is there which causes Speed to speak. It is Speed's speaking that happens first, causing Hank to be there. It's how Speed creates the world; before his promotion to Ace Investigator, he was יהוה .

Speeds deduces (decides, really) that Betty is in Bettini's cabin because the lights are on. 

But, Speed, what if the lights are on but nobody's home? That would be pretty on point for a Speed Saunders' foe.

Just in time to save Betty from the old Injury To The Eye Motif, Speed arrives at the cabin... 

Not bad, Speed. "Up with 'em, Bettini" ALMOST sounds like English.

where Bettini is playing "poke her" with some friends and hoping Betty folds rather than call his bluff. Then Speed closes the case by arresting Bettini for murder against the background of the world's largest piece of red velvet cake.

Have you deduced yet why Speed had Phillippa's champagne glass SIPHONED empty of its contents, rather than poured out? There's still time.

Oops! Speed's arrest is cut short when one of Big Shot Bettini's goon gets the drop on him with a Tommy gun.

"And don't try none of that fancy Face o' Judgement crap on me, neither. Keep yer mug right where it is."

Bettini 'oh-ho-ho's condescendingly at Speed, still affecting a gentlemanly air that contrasts with his pug-ugly puss.

You can tell he's a bad guy because he's smoking a cigarette.  Good guys only smoke teeny pipes.

 Tomorrow: Speed is tommy-gunned to death and the torture of Betty resumes. Perhaps.

The Glass of Poison, Part 4: Unwarranted Danger

When last we left Speed Saunders, Ace Investigator, he was rummaging around in a(n alleged) gangster's mansion to look for some evidence tied to the poisoning death of exposé author Phillippa Rowen, while his latest sidekick Saunders-Girl (a.k.a. "Betty") holds a gun on said gangster.  It's a bit extreme, but all things are permissible in the Saundersverse in the interest of time and it's not like Speed really needs a warrant.  As the old Ace Investigator saying goes, "A Whim is as good as a Warrant."

Does he find something? Of course he does; he's Speed Saunders and doesn't have time NOT to find something.  And where? The same place he usually does: IN A BOOK.

Well. Isn't that convenient.

Pro tip for murderers manqués; don't underline your murder methodologies as if you're studying for your Social Studies final.  It just MIGHT seem suspicious.

What WOULD Speed do without BOOKS?  They contain all information, all clues, all answers.  I suppose nowadays Speed would spot a "bookmark" on a computer, labelled "prussic acid" and linking to a page on howtogetawaywithpoisoningpeople.com.  

Does Speed reveal the info he has discovered? Of course not; Speed always keeps info to himself until the last panel, when it all spills out in the info-dump of the Speed-splanation.  

"Thank you, Shoeshine Boy; you're humble and loveable."

Yes, thank you, Speed Saunders. For breaking into my home, accusing me of murder, and holding me at gunpoint while you ransacked my house for evidence against me.  Please, sir; may I have another.  Bettini is clearly bucking for admission into the Golden Age Gentlemen Gangsters Hall of Fame, along with Broadway Bates and Hapsu.

You'll notice, over time, that the moon is ALWAYS full in a Speed Saunders story, which implies that Speed only solves one crime a month and only has 24 hours to do so.  It explains a lot.

Then Speed, moving fast as is his wont, asks Saunders-Girl to stay the to-night.

"That way, you'll have to come and get ME."
Speed Saunders makes James Bond look like an arthritic tortoise.

A lot happens between panels in a Speed Saunders story, that's all I'm gonna say here.

What the--?!

There's a lot to unpack from this panel.  

First, Speed really DOES have only one (non-skiing) outfit: a puce Glenurquhart Estate Check, that Reverse-Barberpole tie, and an orange trilby.  

Second, Speed has an "office" somewhere, which I don't believe for a minute.  My theory is that Speed ALREADY, between panels, accompanied Saunders-Girl ("Betty") back her place from his and he is now RETURNING to his office (which is within his apartment).  Why is he taking the subway, which is highly uncharacteristic of Speed Saunders, you ask? Because he drove her home in the Speedmobile and then ABANDONED IT, which is highly characteristic of Speed Saunders.  Probably left it with his adoptive cousin, Slow Saunders, Ace Auto-restorationist, to have the top of the car re-attached.  

Third, something really bad is about to happen. How do I know this? Because Speed is on public transportation and the only narrative reason for that is: TO SLOW SPEED DOWN.  He's about to be "too late (or just in time) to stop something" and the only way make someone who can shadow-travel and tesseract "too late" for anything is to impede them with obstacles; it's just like in a Flash story.  

Hm. So I guess Phillilpa Rowen was a NOVELIST rather than an exposé writer and to write a .. crime novel (?) she gathered ...  incriminating intel about real-life gangsters (?), who, um, were going to be portrayed in her novel with character expies, and... yeah, I give up.  That's ... just not what novelists do.  That's more like what exposé reporters do and we know they exist in the Saundersverse because Speed's reading one of the right now. 

How on earth a news-writer knows that Rowen had intel on Bettini and that Betty The Secretery (sic) also had access to it -- that I do not know.  This is literally the day after Rowen was murdered, so the news-writer didn't Find This Out, they already knew it.  Maybe.... Rowen was planning on giving the info to the exposé writer, but didn't get to do so because she was murdered? That's really the best I can do with this.

Speed likes apostrophes.  Even unwarranted ones.  Or maybe he just likes unwarranted things, like all his searches of other people's property.

Speed HATES death warrants, because Speed hates ALL warrants, so he has to put a stop to this!

Speed commandeers a uniformed person's vehicle, which is one of his hobbies.  That, Oriental lore, and goldfish.

Saunders speeds to rescue Saunders-Girl! WILL HE BE TOO LATE?!

Tomorrow: Speed is Too Late.

The Glass of Poison, Part 3: Java Jive

Having Seen The Body and Alerted the Authorities, proceeds to dictate reality to the Lesser Beings.

Yeah, McGonigle, you're an idiot, and that's not your job.  I mean, who wears THAT to commit suicide and drinks prussic acid from a CHAMPAGNE GLASS?

You know what else leaves the odor of bitter almonds on your breath, Speed?  An Amaretto Sour, an Almond Negroni, an Alabama Slammer, or any of the host of cocktails you'd make with orgeat syrup or amaretto.  Sure, it would be a little odd to be drinking any of those from a champagne glass, but NOT AS ODD AS PRUSSIC ACID.

"Your petty administrative procedures do not concern me, CLYDE.  Just do as I say while Saunders-Girl  and I capture the MURDERER, you cigar-chomping clod."

TO THE SPEEDMOBILE!

Is the Speedmobile, which has always been a hard-top, a convertible now? Must be a nice night and Speed simply WILLED it to be a convertible.

A-ha! They are off to confront BETTINI. 

Wait, who's Bettini?

Editor's Note: this scene has been rendered in sepia tone to indicate a flashback!

Oh, right; the gangster who is the Prime Suspect.  Carry on, then.  You know, without six months of previews, vlogged rumors, promos, a 24-issue arc and a company-wide crossover, it can be a little hard to keep pace with these old Golden Age stories.  

Rather than use the door, Speed travels via his shadow-form with Saunders-Girl (we can't keep calling her "Betty"; it's too confusing, what with them saying "Bettini" in every sentence now) so as to easily pass through walls and windows.

"BY JASPER, JAVA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING GADDING ABOUT IN YOUR PYJAMAS? FIND METAMORPHO! AND STOPPING PUFFING THAT RIDICULOUS CIGARILLO!"

The gangster Big Shot Bettini appears to be some sort of educated missing link creature or a relative of that caveman of song and story, Alley Oop.

Which, believe it or not, is STILL BEING PUBLISHED.

I'm afraid I find it difficult to trust you, Mister Oxmyx.

I assume what Fred Guardineer was going for here was a Sheldon Leonard type, a "Runyonesque" character; the over-obvious thug with pretensions who uses elevated language to disguise his unseemly origins.

"Will this take long?  I've a corn-rowing at the Ancestral Strands Salon in an hour and I'm loathe to no-show, being that appointments are so deucedly hard to obtain."

I love how Speed asserts "I'M ON MY OWN" while Saunders-Girl is standing RIGHT beside him. Apparently Useful Female Informants don't count as people, even when they are the ones holding a gun on the villain.

What Speed means is the Lesser Authorities are not aware of his visit, which is not on their authority; this is hilarious for two reasons. First, Speed needing the police's, or anyone else's, authority is laughable since Speed in the very instantiation of the Platonic Idea of "Authority".  Speed SWEATS authority, or he WOULD, if he ever sweat (and if he did, the LAST thing Speed would sweat would be... authority).  Second, he specifically told Clyde Homicidedivision what he was going to do just five panels earlier (no flashback here, just arrow up if you need to see it again).

There are SO many things going on here, and I don't know what ANY of them are.

 Tomorrow we'll see what amazing discoveries come out of Speed's fisting Bettini's wastebasket.

The Glass of Poison, Part 2: Seeing The Body (a.k.a. Death In The Living Room)

Following her dramatic introduction, Betty The Secretery (sic) accompanies Speed Saunders downstairs as he proceeds to ace-investigate Death In The Living Room, which I'm sure Agatha Christie would agree would have been a much better title for this story.  

First, they See The Body.

And what a body it is! Va-va-va-DOOM!

The world would be a better place if we all just admitted that one caption like "In the living room below lies - DEATH!" is worth ten thousand pictures of people shooting energy beams from their body parts.

Not wanting to waste time calling a doctor (since it's obviously too late to have anyone's stomach pumped, which is the only reason Speed ever calls a doctor), Speeds then uses his Face of Judgement It's one of the abilities that can arise from enough reading of Detective Comics well after midnight.

"Possibly while also being tickled to accelerate oxygen loss, her voluptuous bodily writhing in an unnatural and overwhelming conjunction of pain and pleasure which brought her to unknown heights of ecstasy even as it plummeted her in darkness. Perhaps."

Sometimes the role of a Useful Female Informant is to receive information rather than give it. Such is the case with Betty The Secretery (sic), who makes sure to destroy any notes CONTAINING the information afterwards, as is her professional responsibility.

"The cause of her poisoning? Well ... poison, ma'am. Perhaps at the hands of GYPSIES. Where were YOU at the time of the murder, and how do you know when that was unless YOU killed her?"

"Digitalis prussic acid, veratrim (sic) viride, and any number of other poisons."  So just.... any poison then.  "She may have eaten an undercooked roast scorpion in Chinatown, where I frequently encounter Oriental Artifacts. Perhaps."

It happens, you know.

Speed, perhaps realizing that this case is insufficiently bizarre for him or hoping to wrap things up before his morning breakfast reservation at a Chinatown roast scorpion restaurant, decides to lurch toward the surreal by suddenly accusing some nearby stemware of being the murderer.

I'm surprised it doesn't shatter at the undoubtedly rapid vibration of the Finger of Judgement.

Betty now has to make a dumb comment that allows for Speed to explain his behavior to the readers (as if readers have ANY expectation of understanding Speed's behavior).

"There may be fingerprints, which, fortunately, I, as an Ace Investigator, am capable of SMELLING."

Look, Betty; Speed's usual outfit is that puce Glenurquhart Estate Check jacket with an orange trilby. "How Funny He Looks" is NOT one of Speed's concerns.  Realizing that Betty is clearly too stupid to appreciate his methodologies he arranges from some minor authorities to serve as a proper audience to his ace-investigation skills.

One of the most charming aspects of the Saunderverse, which I've never mentioned before, is that it's FULL OF FLOWERS.  Really, it must be a LOVELY place to live until you're murdered.

Speed, who is, of course, on a first name basis with the Homicide Division, orders a few Boys and a Man to Take A Chemical Report, whatever that means.  Reminder: the "Ace" in Ace Investigator is isn't an adjective of quality; it's a RANK, because Speed automatically outranks any authority figure he encounters. It saves time figuring out who's in charge,  because it's ALWAYS Speed.

Back off, Betty; you don't rank a fourth-wall address. Leave transquartomuralism to the pros.  Nobody at a crime scene needs the opinion of a bare-shouldered gypsy with hickies, unless that crime was a lock-picking.

Betty, whose rich and layered portrayal allows her role to evolve with each panel, now serves as a more jaded and promiscuous Aqualad, telling us What The Inevitable Negative Outcome Will Be and How Not Even Aquaman Can Save The Day.

And Aquaman probably could not because Aquaman is only superhuman.  But this is SPEED SAUNDERS we're talking about here...