Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Batman #93: Bye-bye, Bad Baby!

So while Robin is baby-shaming Junior...


what is Batman doing?  You know: Batman stuff.


You KNOW he was waiting for some opportunity to try that trick for MONTHS.

Just to recap, Batman jumped on a moving armored car, and with no purchase and in danger of being thrown off any minute, lassoed a branch from a passing tree, and wrapping it in cloth (somehow) ripped from his costume, fashioned a makeshift torch that stayed alight atop this speeding vehicle so he could smoke-out the driver.  Apparently the utility belt DOES run out of smoke pellets, or Batman's just showing off.

Robin's been performing ridiculous acrobatics for Junior, rather than just plopping him in a secure bed in an unused wing of the mansion til he cries himself to sleep. Why did you take him out of the Penguin's cage AT ALL?


Given your 'simple' solution to the armored car after you hung upside from a helicopter defusing a bomb, Batman, I shudder to imagine what "something more elaborate" means to you.

Holy crap, I hope these two never have kids, cuz they are SUCKERS.  At least they haven't involved sensible Golden Age Alfred in their--


--oh. My mistake.

So Batman and Robin decide to just toss their elderly butler around like a ragdoll to keep a baby amused.  If that's not enough to keep you up tonight, then riddle me this: where ARE they and exactly how can Alfred tell Cousin Jane is approaching the front door?


Actually, the baby can live to become the next Robin. It's Cousin JANE who will need to die.
"Alfred; get the Oejay IllChay Ostumcay..."

ARE THERE NO PHONES ON EARTH-1? I suppose it would explain the Bat-Signal.


"Well, that's it, Robin; you've done it again!"

Why would he do that, Cousin Jane? Because he's a BABY. They also stuff peas up their noses and poop their pants.  Why would they do THAT, huh?!


I'm pretty sure I saw this on "Frasier" once.

When you long for the innocence of old comic books stories... please remember this one and re-think.


The Day Alfred's Hair Turned White.

Gone forever, eh?  Well, at least until some writer thinks to bring back JUNIOR as the mysterious foe who threatens to expose Batman's secret identity, kind of like the brought back Jim Gordon's boy as a psychokiller....

Monday, March 16, 2020

Batman #93: the Faraday Crib

Having hijacked a cow, Batman & Robin dash back to the Bat-cave to give a baby raw, unpasteurized milk, because they are old school. 

I miss THIS version of Alfred. He was not at ALL happy to help you with anything you needed.

But then... disaster!  Even though we never actually see anyone call Bruce "Batman" in front of the baby, the baby deduces the truth:


"I don't like it," Bruce said, his hand creeping closer to the baby's nose and mouth. "Not at all." 


Alfred's no fool. He's knows perfectly well from experience that Bruce is about to kill that baby, because NOBODY gets to know Batman's secret identity and live to babble about it.

Fortunately for Junior, Batman gets called out to deal with some, you know, crooks.




How many diamonds do you have to steal to pay for a helicopter and a bomb that size?

Golden Age Batman had no point of diminishing returns.  If you lifted a pack of playing cards from the bodega, he would crawl through sewers, strap himself to a rocket, and chase you to the ends of the earth to bring you to justice. THEN give you a lecture about gambling.


"There are trains down near the shipyards, Junior. I could take you them to see them.
Really, really close-up."

That's dangerous. And this Batman has NOT had time to prepare. Meanwhile, old-school Alfred is fed up and is ready to quit. 

"Either young Tom King goes or I do!"

Naturally, Batman sacrifices Robin, the Boy Hostage, to keep Alfred from bolting. 


"Surely there were other 'children' at the circus I got you from? 
Just do... whatever they used to do for them. Off to fight crime!"

Naturally, Dick and Alfred are completely incompetent -- or cowering in a corner of the manor -- and the baby straightaway goes on walkabout... to the Batcave.


Who's the greater threat to society: diamond thieves or the people who let that baby alone to climb down those stairs?


Well, OF COURSE, Batman kept that as a souvenir; who wouldn't? 

The tot accidentally activates the Artificial Lightning Generator used by the Electric Mobsters and Robin has to circus-routine them both into another nearby trophy that can serve as a protective Faraday cage.

This is what happens when you leave babies in the care of circus folk.


"I learned it from you, Dad; I learned it from watching YOU."