Dazzler: The Movie

The Dazzler: Kylie Minogue. Duh.

Dazzler's Dad & Mom: Tom Selleck & Caroline Rhea, because they not only look the part, they're as whiny as Dazzler is.

Doctor Doom: Let's see, Doctor Doom is a vain, preening old queen, who, like most leather queens, uses gear as an exo-skeleton for his sagging self-worth and masculinity. I guess the guy who played him in the FF movie will do just fine.

Enchantress: Shannon Dougherty is pretty much the only choice, isn't she?

Galactus: Ben Stein. If you need someone to look down on people as insects, who better? Besides, he's got the perfect voice for it. In your best Ben Stein voice, read the following and tell me I'm wrong:

"Yet, Galactus is above mere morality. Galactus is amoral. Galactus does what he must do in order to survive."

Replace the name 'Galactus' with the name 'Ben Stein', and it reads even better. Ben Stein was born to play Galactus.

The Grapplers (Titania, Poundcakes, Letha, & Screaming Mimi): The View.

Which one is which, I leave to your imaginings.

Johnny Guitar & Doctor Sax: Hm. A guy who can ruin things with his guitar and one whose sax playing makes you want to commit suicide. Kurt Cobain and Kenny G would have been the logical choices, but I can't see that happening. Let's try Steve Zahn (because he does with his performance what Johnny does with a guitar) and Morgan Freeman (because every time he opens his mouth, it makes me want to commit suicide, and besides, federal law requires him to be in all major motion pictures at this point).


P.S. YES, I know they made a Dazzler movie within the comics. If you think that will stop from Marvel Entertainment from doing it in the real world, I have just two words for you: Ghost Rider.

The Bedazzled Gallery

Dazzler was the most demanding aerobics instructor at Lesbianworth, the Penitentiary for Costumed Women.

Poor Dazzler. Just like the Martian Manhunter, one of the reasons she never stood a chance is because she had such a pathetic rogues gallery.

Sebastian Shaw & His *snort* Hellfire Club.

You know those snotty rich kids at suburban schools who like to pretend they're all urban and tough, while wearing expensive designer tough guy clothes, and wind up going to, say, Bowdoin? Give them superpowers and you've got the *snort* Hellfire Club.

They send some sort of goons in Mandroid armor after Dazzler. Naturally, the Dazzler kicks their butts, saying (as only a Marvel character could)...

"Chuckles, I had one dy-no-mite debut goin', till you jokers crashed the gate. Now it's ruined. And for that, sucker, you gonna pay!"

Anyone want to guess why Dazzler, of all people, talks like Luke Cage? My guess is because she's a snotty rich kid from a suburban school who likes to pretend she's all urban and tough while wearing expensive designer tough guy clothes.

Then she defeats them all over again next issue to save the X-Men. In the words of Claremont:

She creates a lightshow so intense and beautiful that the guards minds can't cope with it! In other words... they're dazzled!

Spider-Man & The Lightmaster

How easy is it to defeat perpetual loser Spider-Man? She flashes him once with her disco ball and he's overcome. Later, of course, they team to defeat the Lightmaster.

Spider-Man is one guy you really don't want to owe...
Beware, ladies, of lonely science nerds who still live at home and like to cosplay. I mean, unless you like it freaky.

Enchantress

Enchantress is kind of like Endorra, but without any sense of style, humor, or eloquence. In other words, Witchiepoo. She's kind of a recurring foe for Dazzler (to the degree that a character with a title as short-lived as Dazzler can have a recurring foe).
I can think of very few things I'd rather witness less than Enchantress birthing anything through her cosmic rift.

Naturally, Dazzler kicks her patootie, both physically and in a singing contest on Asgard. Personally, I think it's her "OH!" face that won it for her (hey, maybe you really can put mirrors on benoit balls!).

Odin hath been now awaiting Satellite XM for nigh onto a fortnight!

Dr. Doom

This guy's a tin-plated dictator (literally) of some Speckostan in Europe; it's like Ruuman Havjarti and Iron Man had a baby together. Doom is kind of like Doctor Domino, but without any sense of style, humor, or eloquence. He tries to get her to fetch him some jewels, because

(1). He's a vain, preening old queen
(2). That cloaked hood combo he sports is just crying out for a decent brooch.

Anyway, the Dazzler knocks this loser six ways to Sunday more times than I can count.

On an embarrassment scale of 1 to 10, this is about a 27.

I believe Doom's butt just got dazzled.

Dazzler's your daddy, Victor Beyotch Von Doom.

If Dazzler is Batgirl, Dr. Doom is her Killer Moth. No wonder this guy never appeared anywhere else. I mean, really, with villains this lame, Dazzler never stood a chance at being popular.

The Klaw, Hulk, and She-Hulk

She kills Klaws. Literally. When your only weapon is sound, you probably don't want to fight... The Dazzler. And Dazzler defeats not one, but two victims of radiation poisoning. Go for it, Dazz! What's that? They're supposed to be heroes, not villains? For pity's sake, give me a break; this is Marvel, how am I supposed to be tell the difference?

Galactus

I don't understand it either, Dazz; I mean, a can opener is useful...! Still, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks you're a tool.

Besides, given that Galactus looks like a giant bottle opener, it may be a compliment. Dazzler, by the way, doesn't actually defeat Galactus, but she certain gives him a stern talking to.

After Taking Over the Spirit Squad, Manny Confronts Emma About Her Bulemia

Dissed by the Dazz! Galactus cried for hours after this.

And The Rest!

Dazzler fights someone named, I kid you not, the Absorbing Man, who's pretty much Amazing Man, only white and really really stupid.

She spends one night -- ONE NIGHT-- in prison, where is attacked by a costumed quartet of S&M/B&D dykes (Titania, Letha, Poundcakes, & Screaming Mimi; no, really!). It's six pages of the most gratuitous "titillating prison chick-on-chick violence" imaginable.

And, yes, it's just another scene where Dazzler faces a sound-based villain (Mimi, in case you didn't know). Can you guess how that turns out?

Dazzler's only serious recurring foes are, of course, her Dad and her Mom. And many of her villains are just stand-ins for them, and battles against them become replays of Dazzler trying to win battles against her parents. Kind of like how husbands and wives are used in real life.

But it goes without saying that the real stars of Dazzler's Rogues Gallery are:

I mean, who needs any other villains when you've got them?

Whatever Happened to...?

Courtesy of everyone's favorite fitness nut, Lance the Blogger.

VH1's Whatever Happened to ... The Dazzler?

Haiku for Dazzler

Batman, the World's Greatest Detective.
Metamorpho, the Freak Who Never Fails.
Adam Strange, the Man With the Plan for Rann.
Dazzler, the Light That Failed!

I mean, really; I guess "Never forget: she's Whitey" was taken.

Poor Dazzler. After extensive research, I finally figured out what doomed her career: she's got no rhythm.

Suddenly, Alison realizes how moronic her face-paint is...

I should have listened
to my father! I should have
gone to law school.

Ach! The last line is missing a syllable! Darn you, Alison; All you had to do is say "gone to law school, huh?" to make it work. But you're too wrapped up in self-pity to compose a decent Heroic Haiku.

In this week's episode,
Liberty gives up the baby for adoption, while JT looks on helplessly.

Hey, Scott; sounds like the sax career may not take off,
so don't quit your day job at the school.
But keep the hat; it's boss.

That melody, so
horribly overpowering!
I can't fight it!

Argh; she gave up again, before finishing the line. You're a quitter, Alison! If I had hair like that, I'd never give up.

Please, Alison; t--try again!

Cap: "I'm still in the iceberg; I hear and feel nothing. I'm still in the iceberg..."
Marlo Thomas: "She'd be perfect for Phil's show!"
Iron Man: "Zzzzzzzz."
Vision: "System shut down in four, three, two..."
Hawkeye: "Wherever you are, Hannah Montana, I apologize."
Reed Richards: "I--I--I..."
Matt Murdock: "Tonight I envy you, Helen Keller."
Rick Jones: "Hawkeye--you're--squeezing too hard!"
Sue Richards: "Ah. Teeny, tiny, earplug-shaped forcefields..."
Beast: "First, I'll eat her legs..."
The Thing: "Gonna--lose--my ever-lovin' continence!"
Human Torch: "If she talks like that in bed, it's so totally over."

Whoa; total meltdown. Alison's degenerated into some sort of garbled free verse lyric that sounds like Maya Angelou having sex with the Beatles.

Well, I give up (because my hair is nothing like Alison's); haiku is simply not going to come out of The Dazzler's mouth.

But don't YOU give up: please compose a haiku on behalf of The Dazzler!

How to Dazzle Your Heroclix Opponents

What is the surest way to be certain that you have the most fabulous Heroclix team at your next game or tournament?

Put Dazzler on it, of course.

I have to clarify. By "Dazzler", I don't mean this... this thing:This thing is from the "Armor Wars" Heroclix set. It's labelled "Dazzler", but, as you can clear see, it isn't Dazzler. It's Joan Jett. Now, I can fathom the Ekpyrotic Theory, the H2B program, and why Outwit doesn't work on Stealthed figures in adjacency. But I cannot fathom why someone would make a clix of Joan Jett, even as a custom, let alone an official figure. Anyway, the Joan Jett is not the one you need. The one you need is this one from the new "Monsters and Mutations" set: Because that is Dazzler. Or, to be more accurate, that is "The Dazzler", as she is so often called in her own original series. Like "The Batman" or "The Joker".

HOW TO PLAY DAZZLER

By "play Dazzler", I mean "utilize her Heroclix figure in a game". I do not mean "putting on a blond wig, face-paint, and a white one-piece with mirrored rollerskates, then whirling around the rink (or your local nightspot) karaokeing 'I Will Survive' into your Mister Microphone at top volume." Because I have no idea how to do that. None at all. Just like I told the police officers.

Step One: Custom detailing.
This calls for a trip to Michael's Craft Supply. Get a large basket and fill it with epoxy, translucent beads, silver wire, and all manner of glitter. Use these to decorate The Dazzler so as to represent her translumination powers in all their glory. Ideally, you should make several versions of The Dazzler, done in different styles to represent her various abilities and complement whatever outfit you're wearing. Fifteen to seventeen of them should do.

Step Two: Battle cry.

Whenever the Dazzler moves or attacks, you say, "Can't stop to think; I've just got to....

GO FOR IT!"

Step Three: Use her powers. Now, the important thing is not how you use her powers, or whether your attacks succeed. Because, face it, her 48 point dial isn't going to do her justice anyway, since she defeated Dr. Doom, the Hulk, and Galactus. No, the important is thing is jumping to your feet, throwing your hand(s) out, and soulfully singing out the special name of her power every time you use it, while making an appropriate dance move, a la Mary Catherine Gallagher. For example, when I use/shout "DAZZLE!", I've got some left over glitter from my Michael's trip ready to go in my hand, so all I have to do is throw it in my opponent's face. Or, for "LIGHT SHOW!", I simply shine my laser pointer, the one the dog won't play with, on my miniature disco ball pendant and refuse to continue with the game until my opponent, cowed, shields his eyes.

Step Four: Backup Dancers
Choose Dazzler's teammates carefully. Remember, the goal in playing Dazzler is not to win; it's to make Dazzler seem as fabulous as possible. There are many schools of thought on how to do this best, and Expert Dazzler-players (they call themselves "Osgoods") employ a variety of techniques to this end. Choosing really crappy companions is one method. The 48 point Dazzler is bound to look impressive if she's the heavy hitter on your 400 point team, so try accompanying her with four or five nymphettes and a child choir of Lian Harpers. Another tack is the Blinded By The Light approach, in which you pick only shiny figures to surround her with, the better to reflect her powers. Colossus, Silver Surfer, the Living Monolith , Iceman (the Fishing Boot version); that kind of thing. Another favorite is the Mary Sue Gambit, in which you put every high-profile Marvel character you can think of on the team, but instead of fighting the opponents, you focus all their efforts on protecting Dazzler, increasing her combat values, healing her if she takes a hit, and incapacitating or tying up foes while Dazzler tries to shine them into unconsciousness.

Step Five: Mirror Dice.



Step Six: The Minogue Maneuver.

Play--loudly--disco music in the background (and the foreground, if possible), and sing along with it, until your opponent:
(a) makes a disqualifying error;
(b) swoons and/or faints (repeat as needed until the allotted game time ends);
(c) runs away (which counts as a forfeit); or
(d) goes for your throat (that's an automatic disqualifier).

And, if you're venue doesn't allow this, just do what I did: buy the venue.

WORSHIP THE GLORY OF DAZZLER, HUMAN FOOLS!

Dazzler's MySpace Page!

You forgot that Galactus invented MySpace, didn't you?

Whaddayaknow... I feel a mixture of exultation and horror, myself!

Genetotype and Subset
Genetotype 15L is "young blonde babe, neckless", by the way. And 183K in the subtype "anexoric, yet balloon-boobed and bootylicious". Galactus has this stuff down to a science, you know. Next time a dorky guy hits on you at the bars, just look him over cursorily and say, "My analysis indicates that you are Genetotype 27R, Subset 79W, which unfortunately falls well outside my acceptable parameters." Not only does this let him down firmly but gently, it makes him feel better because he realizes you're much dorkier than he is.

Height 152.28.
Jeez, Galactus, she's a person not a piece of PVC. Her height's gonna vary by more than one Betatronic Unit from morning to night everyday. Why, she gets 5 BUs shorter just by turning around so you can see her butt!

Weight 6.146.
Think that includes the rollerskates?

Confrontational Quotient 62.243.
This is one of the two most important indices in a Marvel hero's MySpace page. It's the probability that she'll fight the next Marvel hero she meets. Little known Dazzler Fact: Dazzler has the lowest CQ in the Marvel Universe because she's a Mary Sue who instantly impresses and inspires devotion in every better-known character she meets. You may be wondering how Galactus can determine her CQ out to the three decimals. Well, if you bought the Essential Dazzler Volume, you'd know; she encounters 100,000 characters and fights 62,243 of them. Her CQ isn't a probability, it's a tally.

Dysfunction Potential 4.7
This, of course, is the second of the two most imporant indices in a Marvel hero's MySpace page. It's her propensitity for soap opera situations, emotional dysfunction, and screaming "Me! Me!"-ism, on a scale of 5.

Transduction Limit and Luminescent Storage Limits, 0.0
Or, as we might call them, "Chance we could make a movie of her" and "Bankable star power".

Adaptability Superior.
That means you can wear blue face paint and a miniature disco ball pendant with almost any outfit.

Go for it!

Is there a lamer catchphrase than "go for it"?

For that matter, has there ever been a less intimidating superhero than Dazzler?

I have nothing against catchphrases per se. In fact, I began this year of blogging with this very subject ("Okay; clear my calendar." ). Beyond that, I spend the better part of July looking for my own signature phrase, before adopting one from Starman as a birthday gift to myself.

Real people do, in fact, have characteristic turns of phrase, and using them is part of what make one person (or character) sound different than another. This is particularly important in a non-aural medium, where we cannot "hear" voices and must rely on their phraseology to identify them. Here's a good example of a story that takes advantage of that "flaw" in the comic book medium.
Clearly, this scene could not work this way on television or radio; you would hear Lois's voice and it would be immediately obvious that it wasn't Perry, so there would be no surprise. In comics, all unseen Lois has to do is "borrow" Perry's typical phraseology and we can't tell the difference between them.


So I'm no foe of catchphrases, and am a big fan of signature epithets. Particular Aquaman's. You'd be surprised what an impression you can make on people with a hearty and well-timed exclamation of "Great Gastropods!" I'm pretty sure that's what aced my college interview for me.


But, as I mentioned in my original post on this subject., I detest "battlecries", a monstrously unnatural form of catchphrase almost exclusive to Marvel. Oh, DC has an occasional embarrassing anomaly like "Hawk-a-a!" or "Long Live the Legion!" But, on the whole, it's a Marvel thing to shout "It's clobberin' time!" or "Flame on!" or "Avengers assemble!" If you've ever watched Who Wants to Be A Superhero, you know that its most embarrassing moments are when artificial-hipster Stan Lee shouts "Excelsior!" in his heavy nyewyawker accent at the contestants or, even worse, makes them say it, and they all visibly cringe in mortification. Even people bold enough to parade around in spandex and capes unselfconsciously can't bear the dorkiness of Stan's "battlecry".

Dazzler's battlecry is "go for it". I mean, really. Was "hey!" already taken? Worst of all, "go for it" isn't something you say to yourself, it's something you say to other people.

So whenever Dazzler rallies to battle, she sounds like she's auditioning for a Nike commerical or High School Musical IX. Even "Time to shine!" , "It's show time!" , or "Eat light, suckers!" would have served her better.

Really, it's not Dazzler's fault; it's almost as if the Marvel staff went out of their way to make her lame.

The Ballad of Dazzler's Butt

(sung to the tune of "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees")

Say, this is cute.

So, what's new with you?

How're the voice lessons going?

Think I should take some, too?

Hey, Van, are you okay?

Because I have enough grief for two

My Dad told me about my Mom;

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Hey, hey, I'm the Dazzler,

And people say I sing off-key.

I don't really care if I bore you;

I bet you really wish you were me.

Why Vibe Is Nothing Like Dazzler

Vibe's power was to generate sonic waves.
Dazzler's power was to convert the sonic energy from music into light.

Vibe loved having his powers.
Dazzler didn''t like having powers .

Vibe loved being a superhero in the JLA.
Dazzler had no desire to be superhero.

Vibe is from a low to lower-middle class family in inner city Detroit.
Dazzler is a judge's daughter from Gardendale, New York.

Vibe came from a large family.
Dazzler was an only child.

Vibe's family were very close and supportive of him.
Dazzler was estranged from her parents, who were not supportive of her.

Vibe was unemployed, apart from his superhero duties.
Dazzler was a stage performer.

Vibe was exuberantly (over)confident and fun-loving.
Dazzler, although vivacious, suffered bouts of insecurity.

Vibe was a dancer.
Dazzler was primarily a singer (who could also dance).

Vibe was a short, dark-haired Puerto Rican male.
Dazzler was a tall, blonde white woman.

Vibe had no romantic interests shown in any of his stories.
Dazzler was romantically linked with Angel, the Human Torch, and other high-profile superfolk.

Vibe unhesitatingly confronted more established heroes when he felt it was appropriate.
Dazzler continually relied on established heroes for emotional and professional support.

Vibe died defending the life of child in a filthy alley in a ghetto in New York.
Dazzler had her debut at Carnegie Hall and still managed to screw up her career.

Vibe is an icon of DC-style rush to duty, self-sacrifice, and tragedy.
Dazzler is an icon of Marvel-style shrinking from duty, self-pity, and melodrama.


Really, other than the fact that one had a '80s contemporary dance style as a hobby, and the other sang professionally a musical style associated with a '70s contemporary dance style, they have also most nothing in common. I know they aren't the deepest characters ever created, but please don't simply label them "Dazzler = 1970s dance craze" / "Vibe = 1980s dance craze" and walk away. If you do that sort of thing, then you're not getting as much out of your comics as you deserve.

Thus Stalks... The Dazzler!

I've gotten soft. I can't even remember the last time I was mean to Marvel and the comics they produce.

My failure fills me with guilt, self-loathing, and, um, inconfidence; I have let you down, let down the public, let down my Uncle Zeb who appeared for almost two full panels in my origin. Spending too much time with All My Close Acquaintances Who Also Happen To Be Villainous Marvel-readers (that is, the other panelists on the Big Monkey Comics Podcast), has clouded my judgment and weakened my resolve to use Greatly Responsibly the Great Power of the Absorbascon (*snort*). But now...

SOFTIE NO MORE!

And to be completely unfair in my attacks, let's re-commence with ... DAZZLER.

Now, some will charge that choosing a character rooted in the disco fad to represent the foibles of the House of Ideas is inappropriate. I say the opposite. DC has usually striven to be timeless (allowing for changes in technology, most DC stories are as a readable in one era as they are in the next). Marvel, on the hand, has striven to be (if you'll pardon the pun) timely. That approach has its advantages ("We're the hep publishers of the now, O Devoted Ones!") and its disadvantages (e.g. Buford Hollis). He who publishes by the sword is lampooned by the sword.

Besides, I actually love Dazzler herself, a rollerskating disco singer with fabulous lightshow powers. It's an amusing and challenging premise, and DC has done more with less (Tenzil Kem is pretty darned well known, after all).

Don't get me wrong; I am well aware that there are bad DC comics. What do you think I grew up reading? But there's more bad in one bad page of a Marvel comic than in all of Bob Haney's run on Brave & the Bold. What's more, it's the way in which Marvel comics, like Dazzler, are bad that dangs them to heck, and we'll be discussing that later. But for today, let's start out with just

one
single
page

from Dazzler (specifically, Dazzler #21, a Special Double-Size Issue that "revealed ... the shameful secret of Dazzler's past!").

Dazzler Fact: Dazzler's power of ground-flying is rooted in her pelvis! --Scintillatin' Scipio.

Is her back-up band the Beach Boys? I like to imagine she's opening with "The Monkey's Uncle"; after all, it is Carnegie Hall!

You may well be wondering, "Was Dazzler dead? Did Superboy Prime punch the walls of Earth 616 to bring her back?" No, silly; this isn't DC, the House of Recycled Ideas; this is Marvel, where dead means emotionally dead. In the previous panel, you see, she survives a confrontation with her Daddy Issues, whose caption reads "For a moment, the Dazzler had died. But now... " Gosh! Metaphorical death of a costumed identity due to personal conflict with family members! In a MARVEL comic? Who'da thunk it?

Asgardians: Please Remove Your Hats!

Like all consummate show-women, Dazzler wears facepaint, a miniature disco ball pendant, and mirrored rollerskates. High-heeled mirrored rollerskates. Actually, I'm not sure that's Dazzler they're seeing; could be a Frank Stella exhibit.

Dazzler Fact: As her friends have long known, Dazzler's powers render her temporarily flatuent!--Gas-Passin' Garling.

Her "friends", by the way, include every single frickin' Marvel character who has ever lived with the possible exception of Namor who probably wanted to attend but got turned away for being underdressed. Imagine if the entire cast of JLU showed up for Jaime Reyes' graduation ceremony; this is worse than that. Dazzler's real name is "Alison", but it should be "Mary Sue", because she is the apex of the Mary Sue artform.

Dazzler is the Wolverine of Disco.

And what she does isn't pretty. Personally, I'm guessing it's the drummer.

Dazzler Fact: Under the right conditions, Dazzler can convert a musical climax into a visible orgasm!--G-Spot Garling.