Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Dazzler: The Movie

The Dazzler: Kylie Minogue. Duh.

Dazzler's Dad & Mom: Tom Selleck & Caroline Rhea, because they not only look the part, they're as whiny as Dazzler is.

Doctor Doom: Let's see, Doctor Doom is a vain, preening old queen, who, like most leather queens, uses gear as an exo-skeleton for his sagging self-worth and masculinity. I guess the guy who played him in the FF movie will do just fine.

Enchantress: Shannon Dougherty is pretty much the only choice, isn't she?

Galactus: Ben Stein. If you need someone to look down on people as insects, who better? Besides, he's got the perfect voice for it. In your best Ben Stein voice, read the following and tell me I'm wrong:

"Yet, Galactus is above mere morality. Galactus is amoral. Galactus does what he must do in order to survive."

Replace the name 'Galactus' with the name 'Ben Stein', and it reads even better. Ben Stein was born to play Galactus.

The Grapplers (Titania, Poundcakes, Letha, & Screaming Mimi): The View.

Which one is which, I leave to your imaginings.

Johnny Guitar & Doctor Sax: Hm. A guy who can ruin things with his guitar and one whose sax playing makes you want to commit suicide. Kurt Cobain and Kenny G would have been the logical choices, but I can't see that happening. Let's try Steve Zahn (because he does with his performance what Johnny does with a guitar) and Morgan Freeman (because every time he opens his mouth, it makes me want to commit suicide, and besides, federal law requires him to be in all major motion pictures at this point).

P.S. YES, I know they made a Dazzler movie within the comics. If you think that will stop from Marvel Entertainment from doing it in the real world, I have just two words for you: Ghost Rider.


Siskoid said...

The View as the Grapplers is the best damn piece of casting since Robert Downey Jr. was announced as Tony Stark.

totaltoyz said...

Don't be hating on Morgan Freeman! I'll admit I was somewhat traumatized by Nurse Betty (hearing Easy Reader say the F-word was more than my psyche could handle) but a guy who can overcome a resume that includes sitting in a coffin-shaped bathtub full of suds, in an opera cape, singing about it, and go on to a major motion picture career deserves a little respect.

Marcos said...

I was sure you were going to go with Bill Clinton for Doctor Sax. Guess I"m just that old.

My favorite bit of dialogue this week is not from the comics, but from TV's The Batman:

Alfred: He's in the Batcave at this very moment with one of those gents from the Justice Club.

Dick: (laughing) You mean "League". Which one?

Alfred: The green one.

Dick: Martian Manhunter?

Alfred: No.

Dick: Green Arrow?

Alfred: No, the other chap.

Jon H said...

Two changes I'd make.

1. Dr Doom's mask becomes an elaborate heavy riveted steel pair of eyeglasses, and he's played by Elton John.

2. Think plural.

The Spice Girls. As The Dazzlers.

totaltoyz said...

I have to say, looking at the cast picture of the View (with the cute chick in pink sitting amongst the Three Gorgons), old music from Sesame Street runs through my head.

"Three of these things belong together...but one of these things just doesn't belong here..."

Mike Loughlin said...

"...destroys things with his guitar."


Ted Nugent.

Blockade Boy said...

Just chiming in to agree with everybody who thinks that "The View = The Grapplers" is 100% pure brilliance.

Oh, and I'd cast William H. Macy as Dazzler's permed, mustachioed, aviator-spectacled lawyer boyfriend.

Dr. Manhattan said...

I'm just writing because it seems your Dazzler posts had less comments than your average production. Which might leave you under the impression that Dazzler-bashing is not popular. Which would be wrong. More, please.

Scipio said...

Thank you, Dr. M., I appreciate your saying so.

Perhaps it's because she's so stunning.
Perhaps the readers are simply...


Redforce said...

It's been 10 years, Scipio. I don't think there WILL be a Dazzler movie if there hasn't been one by now. Besides, I bet Marvel sold the movie rights back when for $20 and an old pair of Stan Lee's socks or something.