Monday, December 10, 2007

The Bedazzled Gallery

Dazzler was the most demanding aerobics instructor at Lesbianworth, the Penitentiary for Costumed Women.


Poor Dazzler. Just like the Martian Manhunter, one of the reasons she never stood a chance is because she had such a pathetic rogues gallery.


Sebastian Shaw & His *snort* Hellfire Club.

You know those snotty rich kids at suburban schools who like to pretend they're all urban and tough, while wearing expensive designer tough guy clothes, and wind up going to, say, Bowdoin? Give them superpowers and you've got the *snort* Hellfire Club.

They send some sort of goons in Mandroid armor after Dazzler. Naturally, the Dazzler kicks their butts, saying (as only a Marvel character could)...


"Chuckles, I had one dy-no-mite debut goin', till you jokers crashed the gate. Now it's ruined. And for that, sucker, you gonna pay!"

Anyone want to guess why Dazzler, of all people, talks like Luke Cage? My guess is because she's a snotty rich kid from a suburban school who likes to pretend she's all urban and tough while wearing expensive designer tough guy clothes.

Then she defeats them all over again next issue to save the X-Men. In the words of Claremont:

She creates a lightshow so intense and beautiful that the guards minds can't cope with it! In other words... they're dazzled!

Spider-Man & The Lightmaster

How easy is it to defeat perpetual loser Spider-Man? She flashes him once with her disco ball and he's overcome. Later, of course, they team to defeat the Lightmaster.
Spider-Man is one guy you really don't want to owe...
Beware, ladies, of lonely science nerds who still live at home and like to cosplay. I mean, unless you like it freaky.

Enchantress

Enchantress is kind of like Endorra, but without any sense of style, humor, or eloquence. In other words, Witchiepoo. She's kind of a recurring foe for Dazzler (to the degree that a character with a title as short-lived as Dazzler can have a recurring foe).
I can think of very few things I'd rather witness
less than Enchantress birthing anything through her cosmic rift.

Naturally, Dazzler kicks her patootie, both physically and in a singing contest on Asgard. Personally, I think it's her "OH!" face that won it for her (hey, maybe you really can put mirrors on benoit balls!).

Odin hath been now awaiting Satellite XM for nigh onto a fortnight!


Dr. Doom

This guy's a tin-plated dictator (literally) of some Speckostan in Europe; it's like Ruuman Havjarti and Iron Man had a baby together. Doom is kind of like Doctor Domino, but without any sense of style, humor, or eloquence. He tries to get her to fetch him some jewels, because

(1). He's a vain, preening old queen
(2). That cloaked hood combo he sports is just crying out for a decent brooch.

Anyway, the Dazzler knocks this loser six ways to Sunday more times than I can count.




On an embarrassment scale of 1 to 10, this is about a 27.

I believe Doom's butt just got dazzled.

Dazzler's your daddy, Victor Beyotch Von Doom.


If Dazzler is Batgirl, Dr. Doom is her Killer Moth. No wonder this guy never appeared anywhere else. I mean, really, with villains this lame, Dazzler never stood a chance at being popular.

The Klaw, Hulk, and She-Hulk

She kills Klaws. Literally. When your only weapon is sound, you probably don't want to fight... The Dazzler. And Dazzler defeats not one, but two victims of radiation poisoning. Go for it, Dazz! What's that? They're supposed to be heroes, not villains? For pity's sake, give me a break; this is Marvel, how am I supposed to be tell the difference?

Galactus


I don't understand it either, Dazz; I mean, a can opener is useful...! Still, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks you're a tool.


Besides, given that Galactus looks like a giant bottle opener, it may be a compliment. Dazzler, by the way, doesn't actually defeat Galactus, but she certain gives him a stern talking to.


After Taking Over the Spirit Squad, Manny Confronts Emma About Her Bulemia

Dissed by the Dazz! Galactus cried for hours after this.


And The Rest!


Dazzler fights someone named, I kid you not, the Absorbing Man, who's pretty much Amazing Man, only white and really really stupid.

She spends one night -- ONE NIGHT-- in prison, where is attacked by a costumed quartet of S&M/B&D dykes (Titania, Letha, Poundcakes, & Screaming Mimi; no, really!). It's six pages of the most gratuitous "titillating prison chick-on-chick violence" imaginable.

And, yes, it's just another scene where Dazzler faces a sound-based villain (Mimi, in case you didn't know). Can you guess how that turns out?

Dazzler's only serious recurring foes are, of course, her Dad and her Mom. And many of her villains are just stand-ins for them, and battles against them become replays of Dazzler trying to win battles against her parents. Kind of like how husbands and wives are used in real life.

But it goes without saying that the real stars of Dazzler's Rogues Gallery are:


I mean, who needs any other villains when you've got them?





18 comments:

Diamondrock said...

Thank God I'm not the only one who thinks Doctor Doom is lame...

Flint Paper said...

Is the background of that one Doctor Doom panel the actual, first recorded instance of "PWNED!" in comic history? I think being knocked on your keister by an X-Men reject on waffled rollerskates would probably be the only time I would accept the use of that phrase. Followed shortly by a Teen Girl Squad-style "NOOSED!", I would assume, since you would obviously hang yourself after such an event.

Of course they misspelled it anyway. Just goes to show the level of craft they plunked into each and every issue of Dazzler: Disco Nightmare!

totaltoyz said...

Enchantress is kind of like Endorra, but without any sense of style, humor, or eloquence. In other words, Witchiepoo.

I'm speechless. You should be a professor at Bowling Green University in Ohio.

SallyP said...

Scipio, I am enchanted. This is even more fun than mocking Snapper Carr.

That third scan is certainly...interesting. I can only assume that Spider-Man is using a Kirby vacumn, and is cleaning up the crumbs on Dazzler's tummy. That'll teach her to eat crackers in bed!

Your description of Dr. Doom as a..."vain preening old queen" is so delightful, that I can only describe it as poetic. Best description of Doom...EVER!

Harvey Jerkwater said...

"Johnny Guitar?" Seriously?

That is perfection. You've seen the movie, I assume?

Now all I can picture is Joan Crawford in Western drag beating the poo out of Dazzler.

Which would have ruled.

Dan said...

I would totally buy a Galactus headed bottle opener. Hrm. Where to put the corkscrew. . .

H said...

"Enchantress is kind of like Endorra, but without any sense of style, humor, or eloquence. In other words, Witchiepoo."

And there goes any chance I have of ever reading an Enchantress story without laughing too hard to focus. Witchiepoo.

One of my many secret shames is that I purchased the first year-and-a-half or so of Dazzlers off the stands. And then I got the last two issues just to see how the series ended. Oops. So much for the secret part of that shame.

I've been trying to leave a comment to explain why I did this, but my behavior defies explanation. I dislike sound-based characters. I dislike poorly written comics. I dislike poorly drawn comics. And, apparently I dislike myself for having purchased this series.

Scipio said...

"Where to put the corkscrew. . ."

I think that's what the skirt is covering.

The Shadow said...

You don't know how much I would pay to see Doctor Doom meet 50's Killer Moth.

Allan said...

Can you imagine a comic book company where a character like that Doom guy was considered to be one of the premiere villains of its fictional universe?

SHIVER

"most gratuitous "titillating prison chick-on-chick violence""

This may just be the cheesy hetero dude in me, but as far as I'm concerned placing the word "gratuitous" in front of "titillating prison chick-on-chick violence" makes for one amusing oxymoron.

That reminds me, I have to sit down and rewatch my copy of Sweet Sugar. Ah, Phyllis Davis....She makes the pain go away....

Anonymous said...

"Can you imagine a comic book company where a character like that Doom guy was considered to be one of the premiere villains of its fictional universe?"

Could be worse -- imagine if the smartest scientist in the world wanted revenge on the strongest man in the world for stealing his hair. I'm just saying, is all.

Daddy Will said...

So, whatever, Marvel's lame and will never produce a LEX LUTHOR or JOKER. Magneto and Dr. Doom are pretty sweet villains, can't speak too highly of Kang or any of those other losers the Avengers fight though.

It's hilarious that they had Dazzler take on Galactus.

Anonymous said...

"can't speak too highly of Kang or any of those other losers the Avengers fight though."

And I have to give Marvel this much: they've actually managed to explain how there were robots and stuff walking around in the year 1940, namely that Kang has been introducing advanced technology in small doses for over a century now, to shape the world more to his liking. He actually considers Earth-616 to have been "conquered" to his satisfaction, except for the challenge of physically overcoming its heroes (several of whom wouldn't even be heroes but for Kang's interference). Okay, DC, explain Batman's robot duplicates from 1940, I dare you.

"It's hilarious that they had Dazzler take on Galactus."

Mary Sues can do anything!

Diamondrock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
totaltoyz said...

Okay, DC, explain Batman's robot duplicates from 1940, I dare you.

I'm sure the explanation would involve the Linear Men somehow. Or maybe Booster Gold.

Rich said...

Personally, I lost all respect for Doom when he lost to Squirrel Girl way back when...

Anonymous said...

"Anyone want to guess why Dazzler, of all people, talks like Luke Cage?"

Probably leftover dialogue from when she was supposed to be black. Dazzler (originally called "Disco Queen") was a vanity project for Grace Jones. But some behing-the-scenes shenanigans switched her ostensible life model to Bo Derek and her powers from being a human Magic Lasso who could force the truth out of anyone (Yeah, real useful for stopping Galactus) to being a human strobe light, and she became the confused white jive-talkin' Disco Dazzler. Luckily the "Disco" part of the name and oh-so-hip-at-the-time slang written by middle aged Jews were dropped.

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