Friday, June 04, 2021

All Will Be Well

 Hear me! I bring good tidings: all will yet be well.

It's a Flash Fact.

There are things in comics you are not happy with right now. There are things in comics I myself am not happy with right now.  Such as: 

  • The clearly non-sensational character find of 2021, the codename-less "Naomi".  
  • There are Wildstorm characters dirtying up the DCU.  
  • DC is celebrating Aquaman's 80th anniversary with a one-shot, but can't manage to sustain a title for him, despite his popularity being at an all-time high.  
  • Lobo wasn't enough of a cross-platform embarrassment, apparently, and now they've thrown a daughter into the mix.  
  • Bryan Michael Bendis is writing Justice League.  
  • The Teen Titans are running a Xavier Academy expy.  
  •  DC is again trying to make "Amazons in the Amazons happen", which seems childishly simplistic. 
  • Damian Wayne still exists.
  • They've replaced Barry Allen with Wally West (again). 

Try, without laughing, to imagine Wally West saying "All will be well."

It's not that there aren't many good things going in comics right now (both on paper and on screen).  But dumb things like the above still rankle.  That's why I take solace in reminding myself of an EASILY forgotten axiom of comics:

Dumb things don't last.

Let's consider some of the examples. Some you may have forgotten; some you may have never even noticed.

Remember when Alfred was dead?

The first time, I mean.

Or Barry Allen?

This is what happens when you are too busy to moisturize.

Or Supergirl?

Although in that outfit it was a mercy.

Do you remember Aztek?

Don't worry; he didn't.

And Triumph?

The Justice League didn't remember him either.

And Tomorrow Woman?

SUCH a drag queen.

Do you remember Aquaman's hook hand?

Such a drama queen.

And his water hand?

Much better for vogueing, though.

and when he was *snort* raised by dolphins?

Remember Wonder Woman's leather look?

Fine; I'll admit I liked it if you will.

And her mod look?


And when she became a goddess?

At least she's not wearing heels.

Remember the Sword of the Atom?

Nothing says "take me seriously" like barbarian cosplay ON TOP OF spandex cosplay.

The Sword of Atlantis?


The Sword of Warlord?

Sure, I read it; but only with the sound turned down.

Do you remember the hunchback who lived in the Batcave?

I'm not even going to count the car.

Or the one who was Superman's brother?

The Haneyverse.

Remember the Ten-Eyed Man?

I don't get the 'free plug' either.

Or Replicant?

At least The Suit was honest about being an empty character.

Or Tallyman?

This Spawn-BS is what happens when you let artists create characters instead of writers.

Remember Kenny Braverman?

Saying "Clarkie" automatically disqualifies you as a potentially serious character.

Or Cobalt Blue?

Ugh, of COURSE he had a sword.  And mummy boots.

or Tommy Elliott?

Shouldn't HE be the one with mummy boots?

Do you remember Tanga?

I don't.

or Garbage Man?

I just assume it was supposed to be a joke of some kind.

or Resurrection Man?

Yet he got a Heroclix figure before Killer Moth.

Do you remember the New Guardians?

Really, what MORE can I say about the New Guardians?

Or Bloodlines?

Artists. Again.

Or Armageddon 2001?

Needs more crackle.

Well, I could go on. Anyone could.  But why bother? All these dumb ideas were effaced by time, erased by apathy, negated by negative feedback.  That's why, whatever there is in (DC) comics that is bothering you, if it's truly a stupid idea, don't worry:

it will go away.

Except for Vixen, who is a punishment from God.


Anonymous said...

"Try, without laughing, to imagine Wally West saying "All will be well.""

Oh that's easy: "My name is Wally West, and all will be well". It's just like 1996 all over again!

I still think the best way to fix Wally is to set him up in the American Southwest and give him wide open spaces and a new supporting cast. Quit giving him Barry's hand-me-downs (city, costume, even girlfriend's occupation). Give Barry the Midwest, make Jay a Canadian (he's almost wearing an RCMP uniform anyway so make him RCMP-adjacent), and -- this would be the most controversial thing -- Detroit would be Central City while Windsor would be Keystone City.

Bryan L said...

Except Bendis. Bendis will be churning out lifeless and pedestrian storylines until the sun goes nova. Will no one rid me of this turbulent scribbler?

Aztek, good Lord. Easily the most convoluted origin ever, and if you held a gun to my head I couldn't tell you what his powers were. Some sort of wings appear and he flies and ... there, I just ran dry. Triumph was ... magnetic, I think? Like Dr. Polaris without the Las Vegas showgirl headgear?

But yes, I've read comics long enough to know that nothing lasts, and that's actually quite comforting. No matter what idiocy gets printed, another will come along and undo it all. That's a feature, not a bug.

John C said...

They always seem so proud of themselves when they come up with "Amazons, but from the Amazon" again, too. But like they say, if you don't like DC continuity, wait a few issues.

Garbage Man and Tanga are the only two that I don't remember seeing, which is weird, given how few comics I've actually read since, like, 1992 or so.

The Ten-Eyed Man deserves his own series, though. At least in theory, he's an extremely serious character (soldier blinded in the line of duty saving his team) who was mutilated with the absolute silliest gimmick in the DCU. That dynamic seems like it should at least be able to carry a few issues.

MarkAndrew said...

I'd take it all back for 3 panels of the Kryptonian Thought Beast. 21st century DC, for all it's faux retro-nostalgia, seems to be dead set on forgetting all the stuff I like* alongside your list of things I'm indifferent about.

*Except Nubia. Nubia is one of those characters that just WORKS for me on a soul-deep level and I did see a Nubia OGN the other day.

Dave said...

I assume the "free plug" was a reference to "All in the Family," though why he phrased it that way is anyone's guess. That said, Robbins's ear for dialogue was almost as tinny as Roy Thomas's, though he compounded the crime by being such a crappy comic book artist.

Steve Mitchell said...

Or possibly a reference to Jack Kirby's "Dingbats of Danger Street."

Scipio said...

Ah, yes; that's exactly what it is, since that particular Kirby monstrosity is contemporaneous with the Man-Bat/Ten-Eyed Man battle.

alex said...

How is Tommy Elliot gone? He's still relevant, even in DC Rebirth...

Scipio said...

Not to me.

Nathan Hall said...

Poor Aztek. The Lex-Luthor backed Justice League stooge was such a dunce that he failed to save his love interest from his first supervillain. If they kept going in that direction - well-meaning, heavily backed, highly trained hero who was still hopelessly incompetent, an anti-Batman who always loses and betrays his team without trying or even knowing it - it could've made for some great post-modern reading.