All Will Be Well

 Hear me! I bring good tidings: all will yet be well.

 

It's a Flash Fact.

There are things in comics you are not happy with right now. There are things in comics I myself am not happy with right now.  Such as: 

• The clearly non-sensational character find of 2021, the codename-less "Naomi".  
• There are Wildstorm characters dirtying up the DCU.  
• DC is celebrating Aquaman's 80th anniversary with a one-shot, but can't manage to sustain a title for him, despite his popularity being at an all-time high.  
• Lobo wasn't enough of a cross-platform embarrassment, apparently, and now they've thrown a daughter into the mix.  
• Bryan Michael Bendis is writing Justice League.  
• The Teen Titans are running a Xavier Academy expy.  
•  DC is again trying to make "Amazons in the Amazons happen", which seems childishly simplistic. 
• Damian Wayne still exists.
• They've replaced Barry Allen with Wally West (again). 

Try, without laughing, to imagine Wally West saying "All will be well."

It's not that there aren't many good things going in comics right now (both on paper and on screen).  But dumb things like the above still rankle.  That's why I take solace in reminding myself of an EASILY forgotten axiom of comics:

Dumb things don't last.

Let's consider some of the examples. Some you may have forgotten; some you may have never even noticed.

Remember when Alfred was dead?

The first time, I mean.

Or Barry Allen?

This is what happens when you are too busy to moisturize.

Or Supergirl?

Although in that outfit it was a mercy.

Do you remember Aztek?

Don't worry; he didn't.

And Triumph?

The Justice League didn't remember him either.

And Tomorrow Woman?

SUCH a drag queen.

Do you remember Aquaman's hook hand?

Such a drama queen.

And his water hand?

Much better for vogueing, though.

and when he was *snort* raised by dolphins?

I can't even.

Remember Wonder Woman's leather look?

Fine; I'll admit I liked it if you will.

And her mod look?

BWHAHAHAHA

And when she became a goddess?

At least she's not wearing heels.

Remember the Sword of the Atom?

Nothing says "take me seriously" like barbarian cosplay ON TOP OF spandex cosplay.

The Sword of Atlantis?

AAARRRR!!!

The Sword of Warlord?

Sure, I read it; but only with the sound turned down.

Do you remember the hunchback who lived in the Batcave?

I'm not even going to count the car.

Or the one who was Superman's brother?

The Haneyverse.

Remember the Ten-Eyed Man?

I don't get the 'free plug' either.

Or Replicant?

At least The Suit was honest about being an empty character.

Or Tallyman?

This Spawn-BS is what happens when you let artists create characters instead of writers.

Remember Kenny Braverman?

Saying "Clarkie" automatically disqualifies you as a potentially serious character.

Or Cobalt Blue?

Ugh, of COURSE he had a sword.  And mummy boots.

or Tommy Elliott?

Shouldn't HE be the one with mummy boots?

Do you remember Tanga?

I don't.

or Garbage Man?

I just assume it was supposed to be a joke of some kind.

or Resurrection Man?

Yet he got a Heroclix figure before Killer Moth.

Do you remember the New Guardians?

Really, what MORE can I say about the New Guardians?

Or Bloodlines?

Artists. Again.

Or Armageddon 2001?

Needs more crackle.

Well, I could go on. Anyone could.  But why bother? All these dumb ideas were effaced by time, erased by apathy, negated by negative feedback.  That's why, whatever there is in (DC) comics that is bothering you, if it's truly a stupid idea, don't worry:

it will go away.

Except for Vixen, who is a punishment from God.

From Vixen to Vibe?

Sigh. Have we come to this? I'm actually having to concede to a point about comic books made in Forbes magazine?  

I mean, it's a bit overstated for effect, but that doesn't negate its point.  Vixen--VIXEN!--may be a key player in saving the future of DC's cultural impact.  

Just as soon as she's found the restroom.

Now that's not really because Vixen's a good character (because she's not).  

I just call 'em like I see 'em, Mari.

But she is the one to whom they are applying a unique trans-media strategy.  I watched the promo for her new cartoon series and, although I knew CW was making it, I didn't really occur to me that they would place it so squarely within their existing Flasharrowverse.  As in, "that's Gustin playing Flash, and Arnell playing Arrow."  

But even more astonishing is: Carlos Valdes as Cisco. Real, honest to STAR Labs, Cisco Ramon.  Who gives her her stupid name (which, of course, makes it suddenly okay; because that's what Cisco does).  That's kind of amazing.  Trying in the recognized superheroes you already have in your stable to the one you're trying to start up?  That's pretty standard.  But supporting cast as well?  It doesn't get more "tied in" than that.  

It's also significant because Flash and Green Arrow have virtually zero comic book ties to Vixen-- but Cisco Ramon DOES.  He's Vibe, who was introduced into comics at roughly the same time as Vixen, with whom he was a member of the "Justice League Detroit".  

But don't hold that against him.

I stand by everything I've said about how regrettable I find Vixen as a character.  But, you gotta hand it to DC: they never give up on trying to make her work.  She certainly worked well in Batman: Brave and the Bold--but that series was its best with its ability to take some of comics more absurd characters at face value.  

I wish them great success with this series. Not so much for Vixen's sake, but for the host of other DC Comics characters that could, if the show goes well, get limited cartoon series of them and thus gain exposure to a whole generation that's never heard of them.

Vibe included.

YOU MAY NOW COMMENT ON: DC Comics Presents #68

Vixen's bra is disintegrated
by the combined brainpower of the Wizard magazine staff.

You think her mind is flexible, Doc? You ain't seen nothin' yet!

So who is responsible for that truly monstrous panel
and the one that follows it?

Yes,World-Weary Jimmy Olsen, I suppose it is:
Gerry Conway.

You see, Washington's Big Monkey only seems to be a comic book store; that's just a cover. Actually, it's a DEO facility for storing dangerous cultural artifacts. Like the one that recently tried to break out of the containment fields in the storage tesseract that we keep beside the Elektra busts:

DC Comics Presents #68.


Vixen selects her Friday night date.

"Oh, my god! Vixen and the Guardian have been caught in a transporter accident!"



When Dale Gunn turned his attentions back to Zatanna,
Superman got sloppy seconds.

It ain't called the "Fortress of Solitude" for nothing, folks.



Vixen takes a wrong turn at NYCC

into the Cup O' Joe panel.



Supermodel/superhero killed in freak tanning bed accident.

Film at eleven.



"Gerry! Is that Wonder Wonder sneaking on to Doctor Domino's battleship?"

Darn.



Pity this panel couldn't have taken up the entire page, instead of just two thirds.

God help us!
It's Christopher "Dangerous to Your Health" Walken,
the Surgeon General of Earth-3!



According to Dr. Walken,
the only cure for Teenage Tolkienitis is euthanasia.

I wonder whether zzaksticks work on Star Wars fans, too.



Poor Gerry;
he never quite understood that a comic book is not the same thing
as a filmic storyboard.

Didn't I see that chair at a recent JLA meeting?



Curt Swann...

never met a cigarette holder he didn't like to draw.



Vanilla Superman was no match
for Christopher Walken's Viagramatic headband

But Vixen just laughed and laughed... .



And the award for bravest man in the DCU goes to ...

Vixen's gynecologist.