Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Legion of Super-Girlfriends

Everyone knows that Lois Lane used to be a selfish, irresponsible, nitwit. At least, that's how she was after the Silver Age hit 'er. As I've pointed out before, there's a big difference between

Golden Age Lois Lane ...

and Silver Age Lois Lane....
But there's no immediate point in rehashing Lo-Lo's well-known foibles. But the reintroduction of the two pillars of the Silver Age, Hal Jordan and Barry Allen, does prompt me to do a brief synopsis of the character of the other...

Girlfriends of the Silver Age
Sue Dibny,Brainless debutante;

Carol Ferris,
Ice queen;

Jean Loring,
Paranoid lunatic;

Shiera Hall,
Independent ass-kicker;

Vicki Vale,
Pointy-tata-ed, bondage-loving sexpot;

Iris West,
Vicious, emasculating witch
.

Again;that's...

Sue Dibny,
Brainless debutante;

Carol Ferris,
Ice queen;

Jean Loring,
Dangerous lunatic;


Shiera Hall,
Pro-active ass-kicker;

Vicki Vale,
Phone-sexing, porn-loving sexpot;

Iris West,
Demeaning ballbuster
.

Recapping, that's...

Sue Dibny,
Brainless debutante;

Carole Ferris,
Ice queen;

Jean Loring,
Freakin' lunatic;

Shiera Hall,
Relentless ass-kicker;Vicki Vale,Finger-licking-bad sexpot;


Iris West,Spirit-crushing psycho-sadist.


And, for those who are still unbelievers...

Sue Dibny,
Brainless debutante;

Carol Ferris,
Ice queen;

Jean Loring,
Gibbering, slavering lunatic;

Shiera Hall,
Ready to kick your gorilla-dog's ass;

Vicki Vale,
Martini-guzzling, bunny-wannabe sexpot;

Iris West,
Just plain mean.

31 comments:

SallyP said...

All of what you say is true of course. And yet...I'd STILL rather have the vapid, crazy, ice-cold, lunatic, gold-digging DC Silver Age girls, than the dull, boring, fainting, useless, whining, fainting, brainless, fainting Stan Lee girls.

Did I mention fainting?

Alexandria said...

They faint?!?! Julius H. Scwhartz!

I don't think DCU chicks ever faint, even though something horrible happens to either them or their boyfriends on a daily basis!

Rich said...

Bah. Occasionally brainless or no, I still liked Sue Dibny, even in the Silver Age. Compared to the rest of those madwomen (well, barring Shiera) she was quite a catch for Ralph.

Besides, she's a Doctor Light rape victim, and somewhat deceased. Give the gal a break, already. Not like she, oh, turned into Eclipso or anything.

Verification word: aulacide? The murder of aulas?

farsider said...

Thank you scipio for sparing Mera. I suspect she may not have fared well either.

David Thiel said...

Maybe it's because I didn't really start reading DC Comics 'til the '70s, but I recall the marriage of Barry and Iris being rather loving and supportive. Which made it that much more of a kick in the pants when she was murdered.

I'll give you Carol and Jean, but as for Hawkgirl, I can't see "relentless ass-kicker" as a bad thing.

steve mitchell said...

I don't think Scipio meant it as a bad thing.

Alexandria said...

Relentless ass-kicker is a GREAT thing.

TotalToyz said...

Relentless ass-kicker is a GREAT thing.

I agree. And I'd better agree, or my wife will kick my ass. Relentlessly.

Sea_of_Green said...

Hey, you forgot Gwen Sterling! She dated THE SPECTRE, for crying out loud!

Anonymous said...

I'm still mesmerised by Lis feeding her Superman snaps to an ostrich - silver-age lunacy with an underlying sense of somehow being profound.

Gene Phillips said...

Re: Vicki Vale--

Whuffo you call her "bondage loving?" Chapter 'n' verse, please.

Now she was a mental sadist; of that there's no doubt. I seem to remember that first picture as coming from one of the many stories where she planned to ferret out B & R's identity, and it might even be the one where she goes out of her way to tell B & R how she's going to out them (so to speak) for the sake of a "scoop." Yeah, that girl was definitely twisted, probably 'cause the Big Bat was savin' his sweet lovin' for [fill in blank of your personal fantasy]

But bondage?? Whereat?

Dwayne "the canoe guy" said...

And Silver St. Cloud could take them all on.

Crowded House said...

"I can't believe it--! Jean must have a double...because she'd never lose control like that!"

Bwa-ha-ha! Oh Ray, you're so charmingly naive. No wonder you were the only one who was surprised when Jean was revealed to be crazy.

Word Verificattion: sissesse. I don't even know what to say to that.

TotalToyz said...

Whuffo you call her "bondage loving?" Chapter 'n' verse, please.


I suspect the good Scipster was referring to Vicki's wacky post-war shoes in that picture; the zoot-suitish bows look like her ankles are tied together.

Gustavo said...

Best post in weeks ( not that the others were bad, this one was superlative ).
You had me at "Paranoid lunatic".

Roberts said...

Awesome post, Scipio. I used to read Flash as a kid and totally forgot how emasculating Iris West could be.

Word verification: paildear: what Jill said to Jack at the top of the hill

Frank Lee Delano said...

That one was great, except Jean's so crazy, any of the other headers could apply to her (except maybe Vicki Vale's... unless you consult Paul Hoben...)

Sometimes I forget why I prefer Hawkgirl/woman to Hawkman, so these little reminders are always nice...

Siskoid said...

I never really thought of Vicki Vale that way, but I guess it's true.

Word verification: Tionman (I don't know either).

And on that note, I'd like to say I just awarded you a Premios Dardo award. Participate or not, but I've always thought your stuff was brilliant and you deserve my undying admiration.

The Thing That Walks Like A Man said...

Whuffo you call her "bondage loving?" Chapter 'n' verse, please. -- Gene Phillips

and

But bondage?? Whereat? -- Gene Phillips


Although I'm a firm believer that explaining the gag ruins it...you didn't pay attention to the chosen panel.

Vicki looks trussed up, with her hands "bound" and her ankles tied with those bows.

And the caption is the icing, mentioning a certain "Master Bruce."

Sheesh.

GL2814E said...

I wonder how the DC women of today would stack up?

Not well I suspect.

Mart said...

'Pointy-tata-ed, bondage-loving sexpot'

I can't stop laughing, thanks sir, this is my favourite post for ages!

Mart said...

Oh, and I know he's not a woman (well . . .) but Steve Trevor was a right pillock in the Kanigher years.

Uncishn: not snogged with false teeth?

steve mitchell said...

And how about Lucy Lane, acting like she was too good for Jimmy Olsen?

Gene Phillips said...

Thing That Walks,

If the joke worked for you, then good for you. But Vale doesn't look the least bit like someone tied up in that picture. What kind of bondage experts do you know, that tie the bondee's hands behind her head?

Mart said...

For crying out loud Gene, don't get hung up on it, it was just a gag . . .

TotalToyz said...

What kind of bondage experts do you know, that tie the bondee's hands behind her head?

Um.....how many bondage experts do you know, Gene?

rap said...

Could you run through that one more time?

Jacob T. Levy said...

BWA-HA-HA! I laughed harder on each iteration. This was *great.*

How 'come we've got everyone else from the Silver Age back, but even Shiera's (also-awesome) post-Crisis replacement gets stuck on the "yeah, she can stay dead" list?

steve mitchell said...

Because DC is determined to screw up everything good about Hawkman, over and over and over. . . .

David said...

The Sue Dibney in Robinson's Starman wasn't so bad...

signing THIS post? Maybe not... said...

"What kind of bondage experts do you know, that tie the bondee's hands behind her head?"

Forgetful ones, who neglect to bring their ropes with them and have to fall back on using her hair.
... er ...
not that there's anything wrong with that...