Friday, November 30, 2007

Things That Made Me Happy...

...in my comics this week.

Future Huntress shouting, "DARRRRRK VENNNNGEANNCE!" I laughed so hard I had to put the book down.

I think the people at DC really have something against San Diego.

"Let me get you a handi-wipe," is such a fifth dimensional thing to say!

Mr. Reyes, again, reminds us to respect our elders, and shows why that respect is deserved.

Like peanut butter and jelly, Teen Titans and Decaptitation are, once discovered, a natural pairing. New rule: in every Titan's story, at least one Titan must die or betray the team. In really good stories, the traitor gets beheaded by another Titan.

Mack daddy Nazi Batman.

Renato Guedes: THANK YOU for being able to draw Krypto as an actual dog, sound effects and all.

There's a one hundred percent chance that early morning fog will give way to heavy starro-showers. Stay tuned for school closings.

Bondage & Discipline Fun Time With Superman's Pal.

B-movie star Rita Farr is a real pro at fighting zombie armies!

Brainiac 5, as usual, knows what he's doing, even when no one else does.

"You're not old enough to understand the irony this multiverse thrives on." That's now the official last line of any comic book argument I make (replacing "Ceterum censeo, Geo-Force delendus est.").

Paco's biceps. Sigh.

In all these decades, this is the first time I've actually seen it stated that Lightning Lad is, well, none too bright.

Adam Strange's auto-defenestration.

How long before that festering hatred between Dr. Dale and Niles Caulder erupts into wild screaming monkey sex?

Thanksgiving with the Kent Clan; but really, I don't think you're supposed to eat babootch.

I really appreciate how easily Mary Marvel sees through Eclipso's line of BS. Finally.

Doll Man versus Doll Man.

The "Unlock Your Inner Hero" ad in Countdown; I assume that's Snapper Carr's locker...

It's not just that it's a single panel of mechanical bees. It's the fact that the only other thing in the panel is a loud word balloon that says, "MECHANICAL BEES!" In any decent society, this panel would go immediately into a national public museum. In its own room.

Jaime Reyes learns a real-world truth that doesn't come up much in comics: most "evil" is just weakness.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

A Clump of Collectives

A bray of Marvel fans.
A bunker of DC fans.
A sneer of Indies.
A blot of inkers.
A cloud of letterers.
A hatch of pencillers.
A run of writers.
A blotter of Gothamites.
A gasp of Metropolitans.
A skulk of vigilantes.
A triumph of superheroes.
A curse of supervillains.
A school of sidekicks.
A scatter of henchmen.
A splatter of bystanders.
A rack of retailers.
A slaver of fanboys.
A trumpet of podcasters.
A snark of bloggers.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Haiku for Dazzler


Batman, the World's Greatest Detective.
Metamorpho, the Freak Who Never Fails.
Adam Strange, the Man With the Plan for Rann.
Dazzler, the Light That Failed!

I mean, really; I guess "Never forget: she's Whitey" was taken.

Poor Dazzler. After extensive research, I finally figured out what doomed her career: she's got no rhythm.

Suddenly, Alison realizes how moronic her face-paint is...
I should have listened
to my father! I should have
gone to law school.


Ach! The last line is missing a syllable! Darn you, Alison; All you had to do is say "gone to law school, huh?" to make it work. But you're too wrapped up in self-pity to compose a decent Heroic Haiku.

In this week's episode,
Liberty gives up the baby for adoption, while JT looks on helplessly.

Hey, Scott; sounds like the sax career may not take off,
so don't quit your day job at the school.
But keep the hat; it's boss.

That melody, so
horribly overpowering!
I can't fight it!


Argh; she gave up again, before finishing the line. You're a quitter, Alison! If I had hair like that, I'd never give up.

Please, Alison; t--try again!


Cap: "I'm still in the iceberg; I hear and feel nothing. I'm still in the iceberg..."
Marlo Thomas: "She'd be perfect for Phil's show!"
Iron Man: "Zzzzzzzz."
Vision: "System shut down in four, three, two..."
Hawkeye: "Wherever you are, Hannah Montana, I apologize."
Reed Richards: "I--I--I..."
Matt Murdock: "Tonight I envy you, Helen Keller."
Rick Jones: "Hawkeye--you're--squeezing too hard!"
Sue Richards: "Ah. Teeny, tiny, earplug-shaped forcefields..."
Beast: "First, I'll eat her legs..."
The Thing: "Gonna--lose--my ever-lovin' continence!"
Human Torch: "If she talks like that in bed, it's so totally over."

Whoa; total meltdown. Alison's degenerated into some sort of garbled free verse lyric that sounds like Maya Angelou having sex with the Beatles.

Well, I give up (because my hair is nothing like Alison's); haiku is simply not going to come out of The Dazzler's mouth.

But don't YOU give up: please compose a haiku on behalf of The Dazzler!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

How to Dazzle Your Heroclix Opponents

What is the surest way to be certain that you have the most fabulous Heroclix team at your next game or tournament?

Put Dazzler on it, of course.

I have to clarify. By "Dazzler", I don't mean this... this
thing:This thing is from the "Armor Wars" Heroclix set. It's labelled "Dazzler", but, as you can clear see, it isn't Dazzler. It's Joan Jett. Now, I can fathom the Ekpyrotic Theory, the H2B program, and why Outwit doesn't work on Stealthed figures in adjacency. But I cannot fathom why someone would make a clix of Joan Jett, even as a custom, let alone an official figure. Anyway, the Joan Jett is not the one you need. The one you need is this one from the new "Monsters and Mutations" set: Because that is Dazzler. Or, to be more accurate, that is "The Dazzler", as she is so often called in her own original series. Like "The Batman" or "The Joker".

HOW TO PLAY DAZZLER


By
"play Dazzler", I mean "utilize her Heroclix figure in a game". I do not mean "putting on a blond wig, face-paint, and a white one-piece with mirrored rollerskates, then whirling around the rink (or your local nightspot) karaokeing 'I Will Survive' into your Mister Microphone at top volume." Because I have no idea how to do that. None at all. Just like I told the police officers.

Step One: Custom detailing.

This calls for a trip to Michael's Craft Supply. Get a large basket and fill it with epoxy, translucent beads, silver wire, and all manner of glitter. Use these to decorate The Dazzler so as to represent her translumination powers in all their glory. Ideally, you should make several versions of The Dazzler, done in different styles to represent her various abilities and complement whatever outfit you're wearing. Fifteen to seventeen of them should do.


Step Two: Battle cry.

Whenever the Dazzler moves or attacks, you say, "Can't stop to think; I've just got to....

GO FOR IT!"

Step Three: Use her powers.
Now, the important thing is not how you use her powers, or whether your attacks succeed. Because, face it, her 48 point dial isn't going to do her justice anyway, since she defeated Dr. Doom, the Hulk, and Galactus. No, the important is thing is jumping to your feet, throwing your hand(s) out, and soulfully singing out the special name of her power every time you use it, while making an appropriate dance move, a la Mary Catherine Gallagher. For example, when I use/shout "DAZZLE!", I've got some left over glitter from my Michael's trip ready to go in my hand, so all I have to do is throw it in my opponent's face. Or, for "LIGHT SHOW!", I simply shine my laser pointer, the one the dog won't play with, on my miniature disco ball pendant and refuse to continue with the game until my opponent, cowed, shields his eyes.

Step Four: Backup Dancers

Choose Dazzler's teammates carefully. Remember, the goal in playing Dazzler is not to win; it's to make Dazzler seem as fabulous as possible. There are many schools of thought on how to do this best, and Expert Dazzler-players (they call themselves "Osgoods") employ a variety of techniques to this end. Choosing really crappy companions is one method. The 48 point Dazzler is bound to look impressive if she's the heavy hitter on your 400 point team, so try accompanying her with four or five nymphettes and a child choir of Lian Harpers. Another tack is the Blinded By The Light approach, in which you pick only shiny figures to surround her with, the better to reflect her powers. Colossus, Silver Surfer, the Living Monolith , Iceman (the Fishing Boot version); that kind of thing. Another favorite is the Mary Sue Gambit, in which you put every high-profile Marvel character you can think of on the team, but instead of fighting the opponents, you focus all their efforts on protecting Dazzler, increasing her combat values, healing her if she takes a hit, and incapacitating or tying up foes while Dazzler tries to shine them into unconsciousness.

Step Five: Mirror Dice.



Step Six: The Minogue Maneuver.

Play--loudly--disco music in the background (and the foreground, if possible), and sing along with it, until your opponent:
(a) makes a disqualifying error;
(b) swoons and/or faints (repeat as needed until the allotted game time ends);
(c) runs away (which counts as a forfeit); or
(d) goes for your throat (that's an automatic disqualifier).

And, if you're venue doesn't allow this, just do what I did: buy the venue.