Sunday, September 24, 2006

The Absorbascon Reads Spider-Man

As a comic book store owner and comic book blogger, it's important that I'm on the cutting edge of the latest developments in comic publishing. That's why I'm hep, I'm with it, I'm "now".

What really helps me is reading Now Magazine, from that renowned Manhattan hipster, J. Jonah Jameson


Anyway, so I thought I'd make you all wise to this new "Spider-Man" character; if you haven't heard of him yet, you will! I know about these things, because I read Wizard.

Here's the Spider-Man now in his civilian identity as "Peter Parker", updating his journal of substance abuse problems. Note that spider-peripheral-vision allows Peter to write at a 90 degree angle to his eyes; Superman can't do that!

"So, by combining 3 parts cough syrup to 1 part Vicks vaporub,
I achieved a high of 7.8 on the Leary Scale for approximately 5 hours..."


According to that panel, newspaper photographers are paid a fortune for their photos; I had no idea. Cool; Jimmy Olsen and John Schenkel, dinner's on you! Why, if Peter takes "pics" of his fights with villians, he'll be rich practically overnight and never have anything to worry about! Maybe even get to marry a supermodel.

Oh, and this is the "Vulture" fellow they're talking about:

The Vulture; when it absolutely positively has to be there overnight.


Meanwhile, Peter decides to use his amazing spider-powers for personal gain.

"With concentration, my amazing spider-levitation can suspend this magazine in mid-air!
I hope the school hunk is impressed!"
Note that, like other hipsters, Peter reads Now Magazine.



I only read Now Magazine for the articles, but Peter loves the centerfolds, much to the chagrin of young Mr. Weatherby.

"Nancy Sinatra's almost as hot as her dad!"


Peter, by the way, lives with an aged aunt who stooped for decades in the strawberry fields of Staten Island just so her husband could afford a "miniature" camera; then he died.

"I'm deaf, you know," Aunt May says;
"You'd think there'd be nothing else wrong with me."



But the Vulture announces his own plans.

"We can't let the city think that one criminal can make us change our plans!"
says young southpaw pitcher, Officer G. W. Bush.


The Vulture decides to get rid of Spider-Man, whom he mistakes for someone else.

"Simpson, eh? I see he works in Sector 7-G..."


After knocking him out with three martinis, the Vulture carefully carries Spider-Man so as not to drop him from a great height; that would be "almost too easy."

Nothing spells "Spring in Soho" like the sight of an old vulture
carrying off an unconscious teenager.



Instead he puts Spider-Man in an unguarded, unlocked water tower which Spider-Man cleverly escapes by.... opening the lid!

"Great webs! Thank Arachne for my amazing power of spider-lid-opening!"


Barely escaping his defeat at the claws of the Vulture, Peter suffers a crisis of conscience, worried that it was due to his addiction to amyl nitrate.

"Poppers... no more!"
Quite the drama queen, aren't you, Peter?



Swearing off the hard stuff, a cute and clear-headed Peter is able to snag himself a, um, "patron" who likes Peter's photos, which he downloaded from his profile on BoyToys.com.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This is not one of those times.


Emboldened by this success, Spider-Man goes to the local piano bar, where he picks up the Vulture on the dance floor.

Apparently, Kyle Rayner isn't the only hero
who dances with his arms above his head; you go, Peter!



Suddenly, Spider-Man whips out his little gadget, which sends the Vulture reeling!

Four out of five faded cocktail waitresses recommend the Joyalizer 3000;
D batteries sold separately.



As you would imagine, Peter's Little Gadget makes the Vulture lose control and they tumble together.

Okay, I give up; how DID Spider-Man nullify the Vulture's ability to fly?
Stan Lee; call me!

20 comments:

Allan said...

It'll never last.

Unless they do a story that somehow involves cloning. That would be cool.

Andrew Ironwood said...

I see Spider-Man.

At The Absorbascon.

[Quoting Lewis Black] "And I am confused..."

captainmercury said...

Wow. You've taken probably one of the most innocuous Spidey stories ever and made it fit for viewing only on Cinemax. Yours is a gift that no description could do justice.

I'll never look at the Lee/Ditko era the same way again. Ever.

Scipio said...

Allan; It's rumored that in the next issue, a Thor clone will suddenly appear and smite the Vulture, solving Spidey's problem.

Andrew: You just never know.

Captain: It's a gift... and a curse.

Ariel said...

Nothing spells "Spring in Soho" like the sight of an old vulture carrying off an unconscious teenager.

Wow, that was just like this past Saturday night for me.

No, I wasn't the Vulture. Bitch.

Bully said...

Okay, I give up; how DID Spider-Man nullify the Vulture's ability to fly?

I'll never know, because the freakin' New York Post apparently has abandoned the free Spider-Man comic book promotion.

Chance said...

re: civil war 4 vote in previous post. pic overlaps questions and poll buttons. cannot vote.

1 Right Opinion Comics said...

good stuff

Anonymous said...

Oh, my. . .

You are utterly, amazingly magnificent.

I bow to your greatness.

The Thing That Walks Like A Man said...

"Poppers...NO MORE!" made this Silver Age fan cackle like a madman.

Oh, Mr. Scipio...I'm so glad you use your powers for evil.

Brainiac6 said...

Thanks Scipio... that made me laugh after a very long day. You're awesome. That is all.

Mike Loughlin said...

So, after that unfortunate incident with the gypsy, Quasimodo faked his on death, got "the operation," and moved to Queens? The stuff you learn on this site!

Scipio said...

"I bow to your greatness."

As does Aunt May, apparently.

Thanks!

SallyP said...

Thank you, I really needed some utter nonsense after wading through Civil War.

totaltoyz said...

Okay, I give up; how DID Spider-Man nullify the Vulture's ability to fly?

I'll never know, because the freakin' New York Post apparently has abandoned the free Spider-Man comic book promotion.


Philadelphia Inquirer is still carrying it.

Spider-Man got the clue to the Vulture's flight from the absence of noise from any motor; he theorized that the Vulture used magnetism to fly. He cobbled together a "magnetic inverter" (amazing what a high school kid struggling to pay his aunt's mortgage can come up with, isn't it? Especially in pre-eBay days) that stopped the Vulture's magnetic flight power. No less plausible than anything Gardner Fox ever came up with.

Scipio said...

"Thank you, I really needed some utter nonsense after wading through Civil War."

You're welcome, Sally; but I think most people got enough utter nonsense FROM wading through Civil War!

Elliott said...

Man, imagine the shame of telling someone an eighty year old man in a green feathered suit mugged you?

SallyP said...

Oh Scipio, there is a difference between CRAP and nonsense! I prefer nonsense!

Scipio said...

Touche.

bram said...

Doesn't Clark Kent use his powers for personal gain as a reporter as least as much as Peter does? His super senses make finding information considerably easier and superspeed/flight has been valuable in beating his rivals to press.