A Perfect Hal Jordan Dis

I think it's fair to say I am something of an expert on not respecting Green Lantern, backed by a twenty-year track record of highlighting his foibles.

For which twenty years is not enough.

Yet, this week, in Aquaman, of all places, I read the most damningly dismissive dis of Hal Jordan I have ever seen.  And from the mouth of a little girl.

NEVER HERE-O BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

A witticism truly worthy of a young person discriminating enough to dress as Aquaman for Halloween.  One which strikes at a flaw in the execution of Hal Jordan as a character that is more pervasive than his being stupid, 

or clumsy, 

or vain.

It strikes at the fact that the "Hero of Coast City" is never there.  His adventures seldom occur there, he has few connections there, and it seldom has need of him (except when it is endangered by the fact that he lives there).  

He is NOT at home, washing his tights.

It's the same criticism I make of his infamous heel-turn into a universe-destroying maniac when Coast City was destroyed.  "How could Hal be that upset about Coast City when he's barely ever there?"

My own interpretation is that he wasn't upset so much because he LURVED Coast City, but because he felt guilt for being away so much, including when it needed him most.  It was own failure that drove him mad, not grief.

The fault isn't really "Hal's", as a character.  It's the fault of the writers who consistently favor extraterrestrial adventures for Hal rather than terrestrial ones.  It's an understandable preference; Earth is, after all, lousy with superheroes and in space there are lot fewer things to hit your head on.

Fewer. But not zero.

Mystery Analysts: Coast City

If Green Lantern's Coast City is to have its own franchise of The Mystery Analysts (tm), it's probably not going to have a lot of famous mystery writers or even police detectives, because we never see any of those in GL comics.  Coast City's best known industries are aviation and film, after all.  

Fortunately, we really only need a handful of people smarter than Hal Jordan, for which we could probably just pick people randomly from a phone book.

I mean, even HAL knows Hal's stupid.

Speaking of phone books, how we got through the entire Silver Age and Bronze Age without seeing Hal hit in the head with the Yellow Pages I will never know.

But in the spirit of the original Mystery Analysts, we will try to select a varied group who are thematically appropriate.

Tawny Young

Tawny Young is one of what I call DC's cockroach characters. It's not meant to be an insult; it's a comment on a character's resilience in spite of odds and obscurity. Usually these characters persist not because they are special but precisely because they are NOT and can plugged into any mythos that contains their particular ecoliterary niche.  Tawny Young; you probably recognize the name as being a DCU character but know next to nothing about her.

She deduced that John Stewart was Green Lantern. Not the most challenging"intensive investigation", mind you, but at least she was willing to do the legwork of, you know, asking his MOM.
Or perhaps just Tyler Perry PLAYING John's mom.

Tawny Young was originally a TV reporter known mostly for revealing John Stewart's identity as Green Lantern on television.

I should think not wearing a mask would have done that already, but apparently writers and readers of that time must have assumed black characters were harder to individuate. Ahem.

But she has been used repeatedly since in other contexts, such as the Teen Titans.  I really shouldn't call her "nothing special" because after all how many reporters can take a hit from Kilowog?

"Analyze THIS mystery, ya poozer!"

In any case, Coast City is not exactly awash in detectives like Gotham City or in investigative journalists like Metropolis, so its only named investigative journalist definitely merits a spot in the Mystery Analysts of Coast City.

Hop Harrigan

You've probably never heard of Hop Harrigan, America's Ace of the Airways, before.

But he used to be quite famous.  He was not just a cover hero in comic books, but radio programs and film serials. 

"What's Van Johnson got that I haven't got?"
Hm.  A running tab at every gay bar in town?

He was (originally) the teen son of a famous aerialist (who disappeared or was killed, as the parents of heroes are wont to do).  Hop was the dreamy pin-up boy of the flying set.

I will make no comment about this cheesecake depiction of teen ace Hop Harrigan,
lest I wind up on some list of People Your Mother Warned You About.

An updated and more adult version of Hop would be a logical aeronautical addition to the Mystery Analysts of Coast City, since the town has lots of aviation-related crime.  I mean, sure, airborne adventure Hop Harrigan wasn't exactly Sherlock Holmes, but literally we are just looking for appropriate non-super crime-fighters who are better detectives than HAL JORDAN, so the bar is pretty low.

Wing Brady

Wing Brad is WAY more obscure than Hop Harrigan. Whereas Hop was a high-flying adventurer, Wing was a hard-edged bad-ass solider and spy.  He was an American pilot in the French Foreign Legion (no, I don't know how that works), but then later he was a spy.  He also did time, but that's another story.

Wing Brady is not to be confused with Brady Wing, even thought it is VERY easy to do.

A former pilot, convict, and spy is enough on his resume to qualify as someone who could help Hal Jordan think his way out of a phone booth.

He will also unhesitatingly kill the CRAP out of you if you get in his way.

Kari Limbo

Yes; Kari Limbo. Look, if I am desperate enough to dig up Hop Harrigan and Wing Brady, I'm not going to get all squeamish about Kari Limbo.

"♬ I'll never stop saying...
♬ Kari Limbo!"

Although not too squeamish to engage her, I do lack the fortitude to go over her backstory at length.  She was a psychic who lived in Coast City.   She was a "Gypsy" (because of course she was). She was Guy Gardner's ex-girlfriend. She and Hal almost got married.

She also talked funny and dressed like Extraño.

Virtually no one remembers her; she's no Lois Lane. But a psychic (fake OR real) helping Hal as part of his Mystery Analysts is, well, it's just what Hal deserves, don't you think?

She really DOES look a lot like Extraño, doesn't she?

Clive Sigerson

A one-shot character from "The Joker" comic in the '70s?! This is the depths of desperation, people.  But hear me out.

So far we have no one associated with the entertainment industry side of Coast City.  Clive Sigerson, however, is a stage actor.

Whom The Joker sokked in the head while he was portraying Sherlock Holmes and then actually THOUGHT he was Sherlock Holmes, because that's a thing that happens.

Clive Sigerson, now THINKING he was Sherlock Holmes, took on and DEFEATED the Joker. 

The Joker really is a good sport, you have to give him that.

There is no way that wouldn't make him very famous overnight.  I can easily imagine him becoming a film star after that, probably portraying some Sherlock-like detective.  

He's theatrical but supremely confident, kind of like Hal. And besides

...his origin is LITERALLY "head injury".

It's a reach, but I think Clive Sigerson would be perfect for the Mystery Analysts of Coast City.

I was hoping to find a sixth member, but I couldn't think of anyone appropriate. Do any of you have ideas...?

Coast CIty

You know who doesn't get enough love?  Hal Jordan.

That's not because not enough people love him.

 You mean flapping ridiculously and going nowhere, Carol?

Because everyone loves Hal Jordan.

They can't all look like Kairo, Hal.

Well... almost everyone.

The Batman is not a gentle lover, but he's a fun date.

It's because Hal Jordan cannot possibly get all the love he deserves, not even from Hal Jordan.

It's really best not to think about what Hal does when he's alone.



So here's a little love from me for Hal; his own Heroclix map:

We know very little visually about Coast City (Hal spends most of his time flying in space, sucking face, or staring in a mirror).  Depicted here is the view I imagine of it as Hal flies in from the Pacific Ocean.  

On the lowest level there's a little resort, with a boardwalk and beach.  On the level above it, one of those winding roads on a California cliff.  On the top level where the actually city lies off the edge of the map, I've given it a "Hollywoodland" style sign, assuming it would be as vain as he is.  Or perhaps they just put it there so Hal remembers where he lives.

And of course, I've used only the colors of Hal's costume, so he'll feel at home.

Fictionopolis Skylines #1

You may remember that a while a go, I made some "travel posters" for famous DC cities. I enjoyed those, but lately I've wanted to revisit the idea, amp it up a bit, and use it as the basis for some art for my home. I have some BIG EMPTY walls crying out for some oomphy art.

This is the first in that series: "DC Fictionopolis Skylines #1".


It's not two sideways posters; it's one 2'x3' poster with two panels. The resolution here on the blog may not be ideal, but they are designed at print size, so I know that the images will be crisp when I have them actually made.

As I'm hoping I don't need to tell you, it depicts Gotham City and Coast City. There will be two more in the series. I'm either going to print them as posters at PosterBrain or just go straight to print-on-canvas.

Coast City Travel Poster