Saturday, April 23, 2022

Sims 4: Barry Allen, Destroyer of Worlds

Who cloned Paco Ramon and Black Canary's husband just to prove he could and because it was raining outside, leaving me to clean up the mess?

Even I think two Vibes is one too many.

Who cloned one of Black Canary's SONS without asking her, suddenly giving her 50% more children to take care of, which probably doomed her marriage?

Who went through all of college in a 32-square apartment alone except for his dog, Circuit, and graduated with honors while still sleeping with a different girl every night and maxing out several skills?

Just ask him; I'm sure he took notes.

Who convinced Eobard Thawne, the suspiciously familiar-looking scientist next door to become his jogging partner and to buy his old college apartment building in the middle of nowhere?  

Which worked out so well for him.

Who broke the dimensional barriers and found a way to travel to other planets without leaving his basement but never told anybody, except Hal Jordan, who wound up getting pregnant as a result?

For whom did I spend countless hours building a bespoke downtown penthouse apartment complete with a personal laboratory, but who then moved out when he realized his dog couldn't operate the elevator?

Who wound up with AN EXTRA BABY that he never noticed was identical to the one he already had, when Eobard Thawne, the suspiciously familiar-looking scientist next door, managed to COPY IT and leave it on his doorstep?

Poor, poor Eobard...

He thought he was going to RUIN Barry's life...

by dumping that baby on the corner of Barry's lot...

and Barry never batted an eye.

Who charged Jay Garrick rent to live in his attic and made him do all the cooking, even though he himself had Level 10 Cooking Skill and didn't need to sleep?

Who bought the largest lot in town, built a giant house there with its own laboratory, worked mostly from home while his wife had to go to her job as a Detective, yet had nannies raise the twins, maids clean the house, a renter do the cooking, and even hired a dogwalker for his couch-potato Italian greyhound?  

Wouldn't want to intrude upon his busy Smustle schedule.

Whose shenanigans so skewed my original DCU game that I had to 'reboot', create a new game, and download an entirely different version of him, in the hope that a new one would be safer?

Spoiler alert:
He's not.  
You can already tell from the Gallery photos what each of these men intends to do to you at the very first opportunity and that they plan to make that opportunity arise as soon as possible.

Who's first meeting with Iris started like this (on Sim-Valentine's, no less):

I gave her the Mean Trait, the Self-Absorbed Trait, and the Evil Trait.
Just for her protection, mind you.  I didn't think he'd make it out of that room alive.

and ended like this:

Behold: the power of the Speed Force.

Whose New & Improved Version has already fathered four children with Iris and two with Felicity and the ONLY reason it's not seven, is because Clark got Lois pregnant FIRST?

This is what it sounds like when doves cry, Barry.

Who does not live with any of those children or support them financially?

The most I've ever been able to shame Barry into giving them was...

Flash facts.

Who, in apparent defiance of the base code of the game, hooked up with Agnes Crumplebottom, the old lady legacy NPC whose sole function in the game for the last 20 years has been to STOP people from hooking up? On the bathroom floor of a restaurant?!

And she's STILL first on his speed dial.
You go, girl.

Who, although he's only a Level 3 Forensic Scientist, wound up sharing a three-bedroom §100,000 house that he didn't have to pay a penny for with Wally West, a high school student?


Who, while I was distracted by Clark and Lex dancing together, had a threesome with Vibe and Wonder Woman in the bathroom at the Bowling Alley?

Honestly I'm not sure that wasn't her idea, because Diana has needs and she's not exactly shy.
Just ask Lex.

Who built a disco on his back porch so that he and Wally wouldn't have to take their "dates" out in public and risk causing a scene?

Even Hal is amazed. 
"Really? She left all those marks AND paid for dinner...?!"

Who convinced Caitlin Snow to streak through downtown Britechester?

"This is Barry Allen with the Britechester weather.
Tonight, we can look forward to a full moon with Snow."

Who has had threesomes with Hal, and with Diggle, and with Wally, and with René?

Fine; no one can be blamed for having a threesome with René. I'd have a threesome with René even if the third were Agnes Crumplebottom. Especially knowing she's at the top of Barry's speed dial.

Barry Allen, that's who. Scourge of the Multiverse. Destroyer of Sim-worlds.

I've stopped asking "Why does Eobard Thawne hate Barry Allen so much?"

Jay Garrick and Nolan Allen (the baby Eobard created and gave up) throwing snowballs at Eobard, while Barry ignores him and talks to some trees he planted when he was in college.

I've started asking, "Why doesn't everyone else?!"


John C said...

Is none of these subplots "Barry promises never to hide information again, then immediately hides information, leading to his friends not trusting him again?" Is it even Barry Allen if he isn't doing that...?

To be fair, though, I'd give this show significantly more of a chance than Superman & Lois and my first attempt at Arrow, before coming back to it...

Scipio said...

Okay, John; we get it: you don't like Superman & Lois.

Anonymous said...

I do not understand this "Sims" business. None of it.

But I adore that you've somehow managed to capture Barry at his reality-shatteringest.

Scipio said...

Imagine it this way. Pretend you are trying to write fanfic on your computer. But the computer is trying to do it, too, at the same time. And it's a lot faster than you are....

John C said...

Correction, I don't approve of the show. I stopped watching it after the lectures on it being much better in the country, organized labor destroying the economy, the value of secret domestic military actions, and shyness as an excuse to act out, plus the coincidence that all the non-white people either had unimportant cameos or were violent sociopaths. I'm not going to hate-watch it, just like I wouldn't spend time hate-reading comics to vent about Bendis, the Bronze Age, or the 1990s.

I'll apologize for thinking that posting a comment---yes, even on posts that I don't find interesting---was a polite compliment, move on from reading here for the duration, and wish you the best for the future. And since I won't be here (I'm hardly constructive, at this point), and this is entirely off-topic, please feel free to moderate it away.

MarkAndrew said...

I don't know why this doesn't seem out of character for Barry, but somehow it doesn't.

Anonymous said...

"all the non-white people either had unimportant cameos or were violent sociopaths"

For whatever it's worth, they did some important course corrections on the show after getting some feedback, including addressing your complaint there (which was 100% spot on). Normally people don't like spoilers, but I feel like you'd need a serious spoiler to believe they've made amends, sooo ...

Captain Luthor isn't actually a Luthor. The Luthor-tech armor had to be hacked to think he's a Luthor, but he's not. He is actually John Henry Irons, and on his world, Kal-El got possessed by Kryptonian tech and murdered countless thousands of people. John Henry Irons is instrumental in helping our world's Kal-El not meet the same fate, and in fact is Superman's most reliable ally.

And over in Lana's household, her husband Kyle Cushing ... ? It's revealed that he Anglicized his name "Cortez" to fit in better, but his daughter Sarah has reclaimed "Cortez". So they're acknowledging that people have had to hide their non-Anglo identities in the past, and are tacitly expressing approval for people openly being non-Anglo.

Superman has also been having trouble with a military that has been less benignly tolerant of his going off on his own, so that at least speaks to some of the dangers of too much military power.

I'm not saying you "should" like the show, but it might be more suited to your tastes now.

Redforce said...

Add Wally & Linda, then you can give Linda every career in the game for added realism.

Scipio said...

THAT made me laugh.