Thursday, July 03, 2014

Aqualad is the Devil

Show of hands....

if you have a choice between holding hands with Aqualad and singing songs 



and simply surrendering to the deep blue sea,
which would you choose?

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

The Testimony of the Flash


"Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Allen."

"Happy to. Good morning, by the way."

"Um, yes. Nice tie, by way."

"Why, thanks. But, truth be told, it's a clip-on."
"How do you feel you are faring as a character in the New52?"

"Oh, just fine; and you?"

"Well, I think the revision of my origin robs my coin of its former powerful signifi--very clever, Mr. Allen.  But this is not about me."

"Just asking."

"You're much cleverer than you appear, aren't you?"

"The outfit helps."

"So how do you think you're faring?"

"Oh, just fine.  I usually get by just fine."

"Usually? Mr. Allen, you were DEAD for over twenty years."

"Yes, nice opportunity for lots of other speedsters to shine. Very relaxing, too."

"Are you trying to be difficult, Mr. Allen?"

"Nope; trying to help.  Are you asking me to evaluate my character's standing and condition in the current reality relative to incarnations in previous universes, particularly with regard to a possible reboot in the near future?"

"Yes."



"Hm.  Well I read a lot of comics and ... it's pretty much the same for all of us.  Core stuff stays the same.  Some changes are made that SEEM substantial, but those are generally confined to characteristics that aren't essential, but only thought to be such by certain subsets of readers.  For example, to some readers, the New Wally West is a substantial change because they perceive Wally's previous characteristics as essential.  But, relative to my story, his essentials remain: he's younger, I have a mentor relationship with him, and he's Iris West's nephew. 

"A similar analysis could be applied to the changes to other heroes; the degree to which they change in any reboot is directly proportional to the share of their overall qualities, characteristics, and related facts that are essential.  Compare:  Batman has a high ratio of "Essential Facts" to "Nonessential Facts" so he seems less effected by any reboot than, say, Wonder Woman or Aquaman, for whom that ratio is reversed."

"So you're comfortable with your current state of affairs and confident any new reboot won't change that?"

"Yup.  You can always rely on Flash Facts."

"No more questions, Mr. Allen."

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

The Testimony of Batman


"Please state your name for the court."
"I'm Batman."



"Right. Of course. Good to see you again by the way."
"Get to the point, Harvey."
"Sigh. How do you feel you're faring as a character in the New52?"
"I'm Batman."
"That's not really an answer to the question."
"It's the answer to MOST questions I'm asked."
"I"m getting one of my Batman-headaches already...  Please elaborate."
"I'm Batman.  Batman is most popular character in the DCU, by some estimates twice as popular as the runner-up, Superman.  What's more, that popularity doesn't vary much with time, treatment, or medium. Despite the received wisdom that my character is a loner, it has a penumbra that all times and for decades has encompassed a host of lesser heroes, villains, and supporting cast.  This includes both constant and unalterable elements--the cave and its accouterments, Gordon and Alfred, and my principal Golden Age villains--and the more variable ones, including my assistants, lesser villains, and relationships with other heroes and groups.  I'm the yardstick by which other characters are measured, a constant. I'm the 'speed of light' of popularity.  Sales of my comic book are the reference point for comic book sales overall."




"Whether there is a reboot--the next question you're going to ask me, by the way-- is irrelevant to me.  I will still be in Gotham.  All the major elements of my story and world--and there are many-- will remain unchanged.  I will not discover that my parents were gods.  I will not suddenly be recast as no longer having the wisdom of folksy parents who raised me.  From my point of view, any reboot does not matter. My parents will still be dead, shot by a mugger in an alley in front of me."



"I'm Batman."

"No more questions."



Monday, June 30, 2014

The Testimony of Wonder Woman


"I call to the stand, Princess D--I'm sorry, ma'am, but...are you trussed up with a rope?"
"YES, that is true, I am trussed up with a lasso!"




"Doesn't...doesn't that sort of thing usually wait until a little later in the story? Never mind, I need you out of that so I can swear you in."
"The Lasso of Truth compels me to tell the truth!"
"Sigh. Fine; that works, too.  Ms. Woman, please tell us how you feel you are faring, as a character, in the New52, particularly as compared to the previous DC universe or universes?"
"Honestly?"
"There's currently no alternate, ma'am."
"I'm not very happy."
"Whyever not?  Hasn't your origin been fixed so that you're not a a demigod daughter of Zeus, rather than just some clay statue brought to life, thus elevating you from a mere Galatea ripoff to a mythic status according only to Western civilization's most revered and enduring heroic figures, including the likes of Herakles, Aeneas, and Percy Jackson?"
"Yes. that is true."
"Have the creative leaders and marketers of DC not made a priority of  establishing you firmly as the third pillar of their heroic trinity of characters, along with Batman and Superman, affording  you a level of importance and priority unprecedented in your character's history since the days of your strange creator, William Moulton Marston?"
"Yes, that is true."
"As evidence of this, are you not featured in the forthcoming Superman versus Batman film, and being given your own second digital-native anthology title, Sensation Comics'?
"Yes, that, too, is true."
"So, tell us,  how can you not consider yourself better off?"
"I spend all my time hanging out with gods and no real people.  This makes me hard to identify with. Plus the gods are a bunch of snarky PEOI.  I used to have a job, and a home, and human friends and family.  Now my family are all snakes and the most 'normal human' person I socialize with is Superman, because (I'm told) fans demanded it."
"And this disappoints?"




"When I should be dating Orion? Yes.  I used to have FUN.  I used to march and dance and march and sing and march and hang out with college sorority girls and march.  I used to fight women in cat suits and kick midgets around and battle giant sentient eggs. Now all I do is fight monsters.  Monsters have very bad breath, you know.  My current author's casting of my world is strong, but idiosyncratic and not well suited to long-term developments.  And while my adventures may be 'badass' as they say, they just seem to isolate me from the mainstream of DC continuity, unlike Aquaman, whose newly epic adventures position him more squarely in its mainstream.  Awkwardly, with the disparity between my portrayal in my own books versus joint books like Justice League, I almost seem to be two different people."
"I empathize.  So, if the theory is correct that DC is going to reboot its universe next year, this would not be a disappointment to you?"
"A re-boot? Who would love 're-booting' more than Wonder Woman?  I think it might be a relief. Like a bath in milk."




"You may hop down from the stand now. No more questions. Other than why you're still dressed that way."