Monday, June 30, 2014
The Testimony of Wonder Woman
"I call to the stand, Princess D--I'm sorry, ma'am, but...are you trussed up with a rope?"
"YES, that is true, I am trussed up with a lasso!"
"Doesn't...doesn't that sort of thing usually wait until a little later in the story? Never mind, I need you out of that so I can swear you in."
"The Lasso of Truth compels me to tell the truth!"
"Sigh. Fine; that works, too. Ms. Woman, please tell us how you feel you are faring, as a character, in the New52, particularly as compared to the previous DC universe or universes?"
"There's currently no alternate, ma'am."
"I'm not very happy."
"Whyever not? Hasn't your origin been fixed so that you're not a a demigod daughter of Zeus, rather than just some clay statue brought to life, thus elevating you from a mere Galatea ripoff to a mythic status according only to Western civilization's most revered and enduring heroic figures, including the likes of Herakles, Aeneas, and Percy Jackson?"
"Yes. that is true."
"Have the creative leaders and marketers of DC not made a priority of establishing you firmly as the third pillar of their heroic trinity of characters, along with Batman and Superman, affording you a level of importance and priority unprecedented in your character's history since the days of your strange creator, William Moulton Marston?"
"Yes, that is true."
"As evidence of this, are you not featured in the forthcoming Superman versus Batman film, and being given your own second digital-native anthology title, Sensation Comics'?
"Yes, that, too, is true."
"So, tell us, how can you not consider yourself better off?"
"I spend all my time hanging out with gods and no real people. This makes me hard to identify with. Plus the gods are a bunch of snarky PEOI. I used to have a job, and a home, and human friends and family. Now my family are all snakes and the most 'normal human' person I socialize with is Superman, because (I'm told) fans demanded it."
"And this disappoints?"
"When I should be dating Orion? Yes. I used to have FUN. I used to march and dance and march and sing and march and hang out with college sorority girls and march. I used to fight women in cat suits and kick midgets around and battle giant sentient eggs. Now all I do is fight monsters. Monsters have very bad breath, you know. My current author's casting of my world is strong, but idiosyncratic and not well suited to long-term developments. And while my adventures may be 'badass' as they say, they just seem to isolate me from the mainstream of DC continuity, unlike Aquaman, whose newly epic adventures position him more squarely in its mainstream. Awkwardly, with the disparity between my portrayal in my own books versus joint books like Justice League, I almost seem to be two different people."
"I empathize. So, if the theory is correct that DC is going to reboot its universe next year, this would not be a disappointment to you?"
"A re-boot? Who would love 're-booting' more than Wonder Woman? I think it might be a relief. Like a bath in milk."
"You may hop down from the stand now. No more questions. Other than why you're still dressed that way."