Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hating Halo

There are nine levels in Hell and, in each, you are greeted by Halo, wearing a different costume.

Halo, for those of you blessed by ignorance of her, was a member of "the Outsiders". Because nothing says "outsider" like teenage blondes with rainbow-striped hair and a skating outfit.

Why did the editor not stop this monstrosity? Oh, that's right; the editor was Len Wein. Can't you hear the pitch? "It's Rainbow Raider meets Kitty Pride! It's Rainbow Brite meets Jade! It's Color Kid meets Amethyst!"

It's head meets hammer is what it is. If I'd been there, I'd have worn my Punisher T-shirt and there would have been no survivors.

Halo is an underage re-animated corpse with amnesia. Let's just call that Strike One.

Strike Two: Halo's origin involved not one but two moronic Mike W. Barr homonym-based characters: Syonide and the Aurakles. Didn't I hear them play at Ladies Night at the Black Cat on 14th St.?

It is axiomatic that homonymous characters are stupid. They are based on rhyming, which appeals to the lowest levels of literate humor (naturally, there are lower levels of humor that are subliterate, such as Bodily Function -based humor). Rhyming is for children, who delight in discovery familar sound patterns as they acquire language; nursery rhymes, Dr. Suess, the poetry of Maya Angelou. Nothing in comics is stupider than the "rhyming demon" shtick that poor Etrigan got stuck with. I mean, how bad is it when I feel pity for a Jack Kirby character?

Strike Three: Halo has a spectrum of powers, one for each color of the rainbow. I dare you to say that to non-comic book reader without being embarrassed. I dare you to say that out loud without being embarrassed.

Color-coordinated kryptonite?
Okay, that makes some sense; I mean, sapphires and rubies are kind of like that. Color-coordinated emotional spectra and the Green Lanterns' "necessary impurity"? Um... well, marginal, but I'll buy it in a broad metaphorical way. Actual color-based powers including the Purple Ray of Unhealing as wielded by a woman named "Violet"? Shoot me now, then subscribe me to Power Pack and G.I. Joe.

Note that I've reached three strikes just instrinsic to her character; I haven't even touched on what she's actually like or her storyline. I may do that at some later date, but only after consultation with my physician.

I'd really like to try to explain to you how much I hate Halo, but I only know about 7 or 8 languages, which means I don't know nearly enough words to attempt the task. The League of Halo-Haters; The Halo Revenge Squad; The Legion of Halo's Doom; I belong to them all.

Here's how much I hate Halo. Some poor mad fool has made a Halo custom Heroclix figure (no doubt as part of his craft therapy at The Home). One of you self-styled Halo-lovers better buy it soon, or in a month or so, I will buy it and set it on my windowsill under a magnifying glass to watch it slowly melt away, as a sort of a Christmas gift to myself...!

So act now; save Halo, save the world.

31 comments:

Derek said...

You have a Punisher shirt...?

Take 2 clix of Respect damage.

JP said...

That is the most elaborate curve-ball sales pitch EVER. You must be a brutal force of nature in that comic store of yours. Sell many copies of Civil War?

Phillip said...

Hey, I liked Power Pack and G.I. Joe. Still like'em. Kinda. A bit. Well, I haven't thrown them all out yet...

Allan said...

Damn it, Mr. Garling! Why must you always be so equivocal? Why can't you just for once drop the ambiguity and tell us all what you really think?

Do you like Halo or not?

Diamondrock said...

I don't believe for a second that you have a Punisher t-shirt.

MaGnUs said...

A-frickin-men!

Sleestak said...

Remember how Batman solved the "mystery" of who she really was? Didn't check her fingerprints, no. He knew her name was "Violet" because she never used a violet-colored ray beam.

Tim O'Neil said...

So please tell me you're doing a day devoted to Looker. Because that one makes my head hurt.

Doctor Polaris said...

As your physician, I recommend staying as far away from that topic as possible.

Defy me at your peril!

Ariel said...

Oh, God, I can't wait until you do Looker!

Wait, that didn't sound quite right. Ew.

Scipio said...

Heh. Heh heh.

Thanks, JP!

Scipio said...

I had a Punisher bicycling shirt.

It was a gift.

Which is why at holiday time I always recommend Big Monkey Gift Cards instead.

Mike Loughlin said...

I bought some random issues of Outsiders because I like Alan Davis' art. One of them had Hitler in it.

I read them. Once. They haven't seen the light of day since.

So, any chance you'll solve the age-old debate: Old Outsiders vs. New Outsiders: Who sucks worse?

David said...

As a side note - that Halo clix looks about 20 years older than the character is supposed to be. She's more in the "wrinkle-protection sunscreen" stage of life than the "reanimated teenage corpse"...

then again, why should a reanimated corpse look spritely?

Matthew E said...

I like Halo. If I knew she was going to be in a comic, I'd be more likely to buy that comic.

SallyP said...

For God's sake, Scipio, don't hold back. Tell us how you REALLY feel.

k26dp said...

Pretty nice re-paint on that clix. I have no comment on the character, since I don't know anything about her, or have read any comics with her in it. Sounds like I shouldn't go out of my way to do so now either.

Gokitalo said...

It is axiomatic that homonymous characters are stupid. They are based on rhyming, which appeals to the lowest levels of literate humor (naturally, there are lower levels of humor that are subliterate, such as Bodily Function -based humor). Rhyming is for children, who delight in discovery familar sound patterns as they acquire language; nursery rhymes, Dr. Suess, the poetry of Maya Angelou.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, at least if rhyming is used sparringly. Elizabeth Bishop and Emily Dickinson, for example, would use rhyme schemes in some of her poems.

I'd really like to try to explain to you how much I hate Halo, but I only know about 7 or 8 languages

Impressive! Which ones, if I may ask?

The Mutt said...

"If I'd been there, I'd have worn my Punisher T-shirt and there would have been no survivors."

This is the single funnniest thing I've ever read on a blog.

jacob munford said...

Why aren't you already signed up for Power Pack?

Anonymous said...

In the interest of accuracy, the name "Syonide" came from the original Black Lightning comics. Not written by Barr. But you can blame Barr for the Duke of Oil and Madame Ovary.

But please tell me you'll hit all Barr's themed villain groups: Nuclear Family, Force of July, Masters of Disaster, Strike Force Kobra, and Maxie Zeus & The New Olympians.

Scipio said...

Gokitalo,

Not really; I was a language major. Once you know a couple, they come in little bunches,kinda like grapes.

Odio Halonem
Je deteste Halo.
miso (h)alon.
Yo odio Halo.
Ik Halo haten.
Mi malamas Halon.
Ek haat Halo.
Ami odia Halo.

I would hate her in Hausa, too, but the only thing I could ever remember was "Your pigs are eating my yam field."

totaltoyz said...

Some poor mad fool has made a Halo custom Heroclix figure (no doubt as part of his craft therapy at The Home).

ICBM aimed at Washington...countdown to launch...

Scipio said...

Most of those Barr groups have been dealt with in previous posts, usually the Character Donations to Marvel.

But PLEASE tell me there isn't an actual DC character named "Madame Ovary".

DCUBoy said...

I usually agree with you, but I actually really like Halo and I thought her story in the outsiders was the most enjoyable part of that series. I wish they would bring her back in the new Outsiders.

totaltoyz said...

Remember how Batman solved the "mystery" of who she really was? Didn't check her fingerprints, no. He knew her name was "Violet" because she never used a violet-colored ray beam.

How do you know he didn't try checking her fingerprints and come up empty? They didn't have CODIS in those days. A sixteen-year-old girl who'd never been arrested might not have ever had her fingerprints recorded. True, many parents had their children fingerprinted for safety reasons, but perhaps hers did not.

Matthew E said...

But PLEASE tell me there isn't an actual DC character named "Madame Ovary".

There does seem to be such a character.

buttler said...

isn't neil gaiman to blame for etrigan getting reduced to a "rhyming demon"?

Marionette said...

Nope. Alan Moore, back in his Swamp Thing days.

Diamondrock said...

Halo daikirai.

Arron said...

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