Monday, October 02, 2006

Signed, A Concerned Citizen of the Sea

"Dear Atlantean Child Services,

"I am writing to urge you to take action to save an Atlantean child I feel is at risk: the Curry baby.

"I'm forced to call him 'the Curry baby', because, as far as I or anyone else in the neighborhood can tell, his parents haven't even deigned to give him a proper name. None of us has even heard them call him anything but 'Aquababy'; had these been land-dwellers, I can only assume he would be called 'Dirtchild' or 'Mudbaby'. Should they procreate again (Poseidon forbid!), I have no doubt the child will be named 'Hydro-young-un'.

"This 'Aquababy' is continually allowed to wander off or is otherwise misplaced; local seacow milk distributors reserve a permanent place for it on their cartons!

"Often, when the parents are gallavanting about the seascape frollicking with the fauna, they dump the child in the care of his uncle, a drunk-driving reprobate and convicted felon.


"When they do deign to handle their own child, they pimp him out like a performing seal at public events for gawking airbreathers. How can you permit this? Are we less civilized than the landlubbers, who at least have child labor and Coogan Laws?


"In private, these reefbillies think nothing of exposing the child to their dangerous 'Jackass-style' pasttimes.



"Which, I might add, many of us suspect involve illegal drug use.



"They have even been witnessed exposing the child to shocking, wind-warping art movements that will undoubtedly permanently pervert the child and erode its sense of values.



"I shudder to think how the child's nutritional needs are being addressed, if at all.



"Is it any wonder that the child has already begun to lash out at its torturers? Surely, we have an aquatic serial killer in the making!



"It's my understanding that this family -- despite being what I can only call
'white flotsam' -- is well-connected and has political pull. Is that what's keeping you from acting?

"I urge you to intervene soon, not just for the sake of the child, but for the sake of our community. I have no doubt that if you do not act, some concerned citizen may be forced to take matters into his own hands and things could get ugly!

"Sincerely,

B. Manta"


11 comments:

totaltoyz said...

"I'm forced to call him 'the Curry baby', because, as far as I or anyone else in the neighborhood can tell, his parents haven't even deigned to give him a proper name.

His "proper name" was Arthur Curry, Jr. He was called by that name about as often as his Dad was called Arthur Curry.

H said...

Well done Absorbascon. But for your intervention I'm certain this cute little child would have come to an untimely end.

Jonathan Miller said...

Wow, I sure hope this Mr. Manta doesn't give up waiting and take the law into his own hands. Who knows what could happen?

Hoosier X said...

Aquababy would be safer in the care of a Republican congressman.

Anonymous said...

"shocking, wind-warping art movements" and baby talk
Your best material since the whole "why is Thanagar better" posts

Mallet said...

You forgot the royal pamphlet Mr. Manta.

They don't know his name either, and they work for them.

Scipio said...

"He doesn't have a name yet as far as we know"

Priceless.

totaltoyz said...

Well, I know they were calling him Arthur Jr. in the 1970s issues of Adventure Comics and Aquaman. Not sure just when it was first established.

SallyP said...

You know that poor kid is going to be a little warped when he's 17 or so, and they are still calling him "Aquababy" in front of his friends. Sheesh!

totaltoyz said...

Well, thanks to Mr. B. Manta, that never became an issue.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

That is a funny, funny post.

I'm participating in the Summer of Compliments and I wanted to let you know that I just recently found your blog, but I really enjoy the stuff you put on it. Please keep it up.