Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Most Heroic Haiku EVER!

Perhaps we can find some relief from the hope-snuffing joylessness of

"The Loneliness of Aquaman Week"

by embracing the cool contemplation of Haikuesday,
as celebrated by the Lonely One himself.


That sniveling icthyphobic wuss Aqualad embarrasses Aquaman (again) in front of two bedroom-eyed babelicious porpoises by screwing up his own haiku: the end of its second line falls in the middle of the word "creature". [By the way, note that, apparently Peter David took Aqualad's fear to heart, and made Aquaman do everything single-handed.]

"Inerudite, big-headed, purple-eyed little FREAK!" the oddly-colored porpoises think, "I can only hope one day the Swimmer's real son comes along and kicks the sea-salt out of your silly blue panties!"

Aquaman, mortified by Aqualad's lack of confidence in him, bites his tongue to keep from saying, "What, are you retarded or something? Who the swell do you think I am?"

But no, Aquaman thinks, recalling Book I of the Aeneid, it is better first to calm the waves, and immediately takes to doing so by improvising a stunningly heroic haiku:

"I must! The fate of
Atlantis and the fate of
our world is at stake!

DANG, Aquaman! Nice parallel positioning of "Atlantis" versus "our world"-- and ALL that that implies! Loneliness gives you lots of time to hone your poetic skills, I guess, because that's the most heroic haiku I've ever read.

So, are you an Aqualad,
fearful and incapable of scansion,
or are you an Aquaman,
with the poetic power and inner strength
to forget your loneliness and do the heroic thing?

PROVE IT!

14 comments:

bobby flashpants said...

Little blue speedo
Makes good haiku a diffi-
cult proposition

I am like a damp
Charlton Heston - Get your
weird creature paws off!

Scipio said...

" Little blue speedo
Makes good haiku a diffi-
cult
proposition"

Clever, Bobby!

David Lawson said...

You know what Garth is thinking.

Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey!
Aqua Aquamaaaaaaan. I got
to be Aquamaaaan!

My apologies to the Village People, but you try fitting those lyrics into 5-7-5 format.

Mike Loughlin said...

Hmm... sending that picture around may be what cures the aqua-loneliness (when accompanied by the proper haiku, of course).

Tired of minnows, girls?
Scope what's under the big A:
I'm all porpoise, baby!

Brian said...

They all laugh, saying:
"Not a real hero." Screw 'em.
Atlantis needs me.

Neither alien,
Nor spoiled brat in a cape...
I'm only a king.

And now, for some comic relief, in honor of lonely aquaman week:

At stake the world's fate
May be...but get a load of
These hot porpoises!

To end, an epic poem, in Haiku:

Boy, are you stupid?
Is your brain damp, waterlogged?
We're sharks, not flounder!

Foul purple sea beasts
Scare not Atlantis's Lord!
Yet the fear grips you...

Then stand back and watch
As my mighty friends and I
Dispense Sea Justice!


Whew. Apparently I got inspired by the man in the orange and green. Then again, how often does one get to utter the phrase "Sea Justice"

Chuck T. said...

"Peter David...made Aquaman do everything single-handed." Was that a hook joke?
The old Seanbaby Superfriends site made a joke to the effect of, "If you don't think Aquaman's useless, try rowing everywhere you have to go next week." Meanly funny, but also short-sighted. It seems like there should be plenty of good story ideas for him, without having to dig up more Atlantean sorcerors or whatever.

Scipio said...

And to that I would say,

if you think Aquaman's useless, ask a New Orleansian what they think.

rafi-el said...

I've no ankle-wings
and yet Namor is no match
For me -- I have Mera

Scipio said...

Mike, Rafi-el ...

looks liks some "old foe" slipped an extra syllable in your final lines...

Jeff R. said...

Why do I have a
Sidekick too craven to join
In on the fighting?

Mike Loughlin said...

Oh sh*t, I'm Aqualad!

That's what I get for doing this on the tail end of my lunch break.
And here I am, trying to teach my students to count...

Take out "I'm," and it is properly haikued.

Ariel said...

Anything that moves
Insatiable Aquaman
Omnisexual

Des said...

One-handed? I have
to. I'm giving this dolphin
a great reacharound.

Get that dorsal fin
out of your ass and help me!
Wish I had Robin.

Damian said...

Here, I don't actually consider it is likely to have effect.
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