Dr. Domino's Plan B

Meanwhile, back on the battleship, Dr. Domino prepares "Plan B", which starts like this:


Note that control queen Dr. Domino is still yanking Tracy's symbolic tie; naughty man! He's given up on the "talk! talk! talk!" method of interrogation and is resorting to ...(music sting)...
other ways.

Fortunately for him, Wonder Woman fainted when she saw his giant black slab of a head; Diana used to be much more delicate than she is nowadays. So, the Dominominions (who apparently changed into matching domino shirts during the half-second between this panel and the previous one) drag her with difficulty (this is her pre-Jenny Craig era) across the battleship deck toward the ominous "Plan B" (doing, I'm certain, untold damage to her heels, so they had better not be around when she awakens!).

What is Plan B?

I tell you this for free, my friends: villains don't come any more fun than Dr. Domino and comic books don't come any more entertaining than this. Nothing spells "fun for all ages" like tying up an unconscious foreign princess in bathing suit to a nuclear missile between her thighs and launching her toward a nearby city of 8 million people on her first day of work at the United Nations. No wonder Gloria Steinem loved Wonder Woman.

I just love glancing back and forth between those two pictures, again and again, like a flicker ring:

"Prepare to launch Wonder Woman!" /
"Launch Wonder Woman!"

If I ran the show at DC, we'd put those two pics as holographic images on credit cards sponsored by Adams National ("The Women's Bank") and make millions as every lesbian in the country snatched them up to use for all their shopping trips to "The Pleasure Chest".

Forget "DC Comics"; I'd make "DC Entertainment" a multi-media miracle, baby!

Do Not Let Me Write Aquaman

DC Editorial has put an open bid out on Aquaman to whatever creators make the best pitch.

Now, I've enjoyed Aquaman very much since Will Pfeiffer saved him from Rick Veitch, so I'm loathe to see new creators come on for no apparent reason. Some of us readers, quaint though we may seem, still follow characters instead of writers and hate to see those characters "revamped" every 6 or 12 months (and any new readers picked during that time can be easily turned off by a dramatic shift in a character whose current state they are appreciating).

While some may fuss with some particulars of the storylines, pacing, and characterzation in Aquaman, the overall "mythbuilding" process Pfeiffer began in Aquaman #15 has been sound. Will actually made Aquaman into a superhero comic book again. What I like about Arcudi's work is that he's been building on what Pfeiffer established as the new core elements of Aquaman's mythos.

I'm asking DC emphatically: DO NOT HIRE ME TO WRITE AQUAMAN. I'm sure Brad Meltzer would put in a good word for me, and, yes, I'd do it for free, and, okay, I'm the so-called "new reader of Aquaman" you'd want to attract to the book. But DO NOT HIRE ME; because if you do, you will not get a bold new direction for Aquaman.

• I will not de-power him and put him in a white pants suit.
• I will not make his costume blue and give him electric powers for no apparent reason.
• I will not make him "The Wettest Man Alive" and extend his powers so far beyond all previous versions of him that any story where he faces fewer than 14 supervillians simultaneously seems silly.
• I will not drive him insane with guilt and have him kill thousands of other ocean-based heroes in an attempt to re-create San Diego before its destruction.
• I will not break his back and replace him with a bad-ass version of himself, have a monster kill him and replace him with 4 bad-ass versions of himself, have his mother strip him of his title and replace him with a bad-ass version of himself, or have the guardians of the ocean decide he's unreliable and replace him with a bad-ass version of himself.
• I will not send him off to a year of exile in space in an attempt to make him galatically relevant or revitalize interest in DC's forgotten space characters.

My inability to do such things would surely disappoint DC. Even worse, I would not abandon the idea that Aquaman is a public superhero with close ties to the superhero community and whose main activities are fighting criminals and threats to society, particularly to the residents of an American city he lives in that is well-suited to his talents. I would ignorantly adhere to an individually-tailored version of the essential mythic model that resulted in America's creation of the superhero genre, has sustained it as a pillar of popular culture for nearly 70 years, and resonates with innate Jungian arch-types for maximum adaptability and accessibility.

As a sad result of my narrow-mindedness, I would further disappoint by being unable to change Aquaman from being a superhero into:

• a lordly sword and sorcery character who rules a mysterious sub-surface world ("Travis Morgan, King of the Seven Seas!")
• a pugnacious pirate character complete with bad manners, bad barbering, and a hook to replace a hand he lost to sea monsters ("Bluebeard, King of the Seven Seas!")
• a geopolitical character and world leader of high-tech armies ("T'Challa, King of the Seven Seas!")
• an abandoned changeling character, the misunderstood special offspring of secret magical parentage discovered only later in life and rightful ruler of a mystical land ("Amethyst, King of the Seven Seas!")
• a healing avatar of a mystical elemental force of nature and emissary of peaceful ecological balance ("Swamp Thing, King of the Seven Seas!")

Nope, I'm doomed to appreciate Aquaman for what he is: a superman of the sea and batman of the bathoverse, a superhero with a bright, simple, and iconic costume, a unique combination of easily and clearly describable physical and mental powers, and a job that only he can do.

I guess that why I read superhero comic books, huh...?

Anyway, if anyone is interested I may post later on about what I would do with Aquaman. But know this ...

I'd be asking Will Pfeiffer to help me.

Dr. Domino's Haikuesday

Before we get to Dr. Domino's "Plan B", we have to pause to enjoy

Haikuesday at the Absorbascon.

Fortunately, that enjoyment is commensurable with Dr. Domino Week, since the good doctor himself will provide us not one, but two haikus to inspire us. Dr. Domino is so impressive!


"Tracy! I've no time
to waste breaking you down! But --
there are other ways!"

"He confessed he sold
his bacteria cloudburst
formula to you."


You know, there aren't a lot of characters would could work "bacteria cloudburst formula" (a lovely nature image, by the way) into a smooth haiku in the middle of interrogating a tie-torture victim. Just another reason Dr. Domino is one of the greats, people.

Can you meet Dr. Domino's challenge by composing a haiku that celebrates both Haikuesday and Dr. Domino week at the same time?

Dr. Domino Week, Day 2: A Fistful of Tie

Necktie-based humilation techniques are vastly underrated as a means of torture, just as repetitive petulant nagging is undervalued as a method of interrogation.

But Dr. Domino knows this:

In our last installment, you'll recall, Dr. Domino confessed that he'd killed Prof. Zuni (inventor of a previously unmentioned Named Horror, the Bacteria Cloudburst Formula, which Dr. D calls by the charming pet name 'BCF'; part of the fun of being a villain is treating Weapons of Mass Destruction with an unsettling familiarity and watching people squirm) by encasing him in concrete and dumping the resulting mess in the Bosporus off Istanbul.

Now, I like to imagine that Prof. Zuni worked at, say, CalTech, Bell Labs, or STARLabs -Waukeegan (you know, some place where Weapons of Mass Destruction are made without government funding or involvement) and that after Doc D concretized Prof. Z, he had his skull-capped minions haul him across country to his waiting battleship, then sailed to the Bosporus off Istanbul to dump him there simply because it was so much cooler-sounding than hefting him into the nearest landfill.

Did I mention that Domino was Dr. Evil's roomate at Evil Medical School? He was.

Anyway, because Prof. Zuni had sold the formula to trouble-shooter diplomat Mr. Tracy (Can't you just hear the UN Accountants at audit time: "Ah, Mr. Tracy, this $1 billion line-item for 'Weapon of Mass Destruction (WMD), type 'Bacteria Cloudburst Formula' (BCF) ... can you verify that this is a work-related expense and not one for personal use?"), Dr. Domino had to sail his battleship all the way back to New York City to try to squeeze the info out of the Dashing Diplomat. Being a supervillain is very time-consuming.

At this point, you may be asking, "Why didn't Dr. Domino just get the formula from Prof. Zuni before he killed him?" Well! It's pretty obvious why you didn't get into Evil Medical School, now isn't it? If you're going to take the easy way out every time, then you're no better than a Nameless Underling.

So, ANYWAY, because we all know what a necktie symbolizes for a man, Dr. Domino's manhandling of Tracy's well-traveled cravate is a humilating exercise in emasculation, backed up by the two salty seamen Domino hired from the Tom of Finland Temp Agency to watch him do it. At least Dr. D is wearing gloves; I still feel dirty just looking at the scene. Thank Zeus Wonder Woman is unconscious, or the whole thing would be simply unbearable. Do not mess with Dr. Domino, Master of Psychological Warfare.

Patience, however, is not one of Dr. Domino's virtues and he is very busy with the time-consuming business of being an object-headed supervillain. How do we know this? He says so, in the next panel, after he gets tired of saying "Talk! -- Talk! -- Talk!":


So, after only one panel of necktie-yanking, Dr. Domino moves on to Plan B....

Villains! *sob* They're all pigs!

Dr. Domino Week

Welcome-- fools!-- to Dr. Domino Week.

This is the subject of our celebration, the eponymous Dr. Domino (discussed lovingly in a previous post). He is, of course, the product of comicdom's greatest he-babe, the Madman Bob Kanigher. This panel alone tells you how much Bob loved his job!

Sometimes I despair that COMIC BOOK DRAMA of the kind found in Golden Age Starman stories simply passed from this Earth sixty years ago. Panels like this restore my faith in comic books. It's nice to know that close-ups of over the top, fist-clenching villains will never really go out of style.

"Prof. Zuni". "Dumped in concrete". "Into the Bosporus off Istanbul". "Bacteria cloudburst formula". "Against which no defense on earth exists once released."

THAT, people, is what English was put on this planet for. Not for whining about being bored by comics, or how John Byrne can't draw any more, or that Rob Liefeld never could draw (now that you're old enough to realize it). If we spent less time kvetching and more time celebrating villains with gamepieces for heads, the world would understand the glory of comic books, and no one would ever need to go to a Steven Segal movie or watch "Walker, Texas Ranger" ever again. What a beautiful world that would be!

This should be on the wall in an art museum somewhere (preferably Washington DC). The ruffled shirt. The banana yellow sky. The mummy gloves. The off-kilter battleship tower. The hideously blank and pitiless slate of Dr. Domino's face, with its "K'un The Receptive" pattern, its quiet mare-like perseverance bringing good fortune, the six above and the six below.

At this point, I must nod to Dave of Dave's Longbox whose eye-opening "Kobra Week" inspired this celebration and Marionette of Dance of the Puppets who introduced me to Dr. Domino. Dave, Marionette; may all your days be double-sixes.

We shall study the aesthetic, the meaning, the power of Dr. Domino in the coming days, but for today, let us content ourselves with sharing his dream:Poorly dressed people of all kinds finding ultimate unity through universal simultaneous destruction of the miasma-gasping sort, standing so close they knock one another over as they topple, falling one by one, inevitably, inexorably, like...

like dominoes.


And the baby in the carriage? Nice touch, Kanigher, you madman!

(HA-HA), said Wonder Woman afterwards

You think Max Lord's neck was the first one Wonder Woman ever snapped?


Think again.

Johnsifying the Riddler

The Riddler. Naturally, we all think of the Riddler as a loner (hey, they even call him that in his DC Encyclopedia entry). After all, his M.O. almost precludes working with other villains. You'll remember that the Riddler seemed a bit out of place in the Legion of Doom, not so much because he was powerless, but because you almost got the feeling he was ratting out his colleagues with his "super-riddles".

But, as is so often the case in life (and certainly in Riddler stories), when we combine this riddling problem with another one, we get a solution. The other problem? The things the Riddler (and any other villian like him) does don't seem very profitable. On his last two outings that I've read, he stole an unsellable ancient manuscript right in front of Batman and beat the snot of Green Arrow. That may be loads of fun (particularly the Green Arrow part), but it don't pay no rent, folks.

The obvious conclusion? That's not his work; it's his hobby.

He (and any other villain whom we usually see stealing "priceless Etruscan snoods" or the like) make their millions in off-camera, less dramatic crime. That's how they buy giant jigsaw puzzles, super-instant-mesmerizing top hats, and flying fiddle-cars. Like regular people, they go to work, so that they can support themselves and their hobbies.

But isn't being a supervillain a stupid, self-defeating hobby, whose primary results are batarang scars on the back of your neck, a prison record longer than Plastic Man's arm, and a hefty monthly bill from Paul Gambi?

Nope! As Will Pfeiffer hints at in this month's issue of Catwoman, the "hobby" of supervillaining isn't just fun (and it is "the most fun you can have with your clothes on", as Catwoman puts it), it's useful because it gives you street cred. If you've faced a superhero (regardless of the outcome), you earn the respect and fear of everyone else in the criminal community. That kind of cache can't be bought and allows you to muscle in or pull off jobs that an ordinary crook could only dream of.

Is a criminal of even average competence going to be inspired to follow a badly burned attorney, a fat guy dressed like Uncle Moneybags, or a corny chemist with a skin condition? No. Will they clamor to work for Two-Face, the Penguin, or the Joker? Yep. Street cred, folks. The criminals want it and the villains have it, thanks to their "silly and unprofitable" confrontations with heroes.

And people think they're crazy. The fools, the utter fools!

So, why wouldn't the Riddler work with like-minded, smarty-pants villains making millions, so they can all finance their individual confrontation with various heroes? Fraud, identity theft, white collar crime, insider trading, blackmail, cover-ups -- the Riddler-centric gang below would have plenty of work to keep them in the green while they pursue their quizzical hobby of confounding the Forces of Good. And (like the Joker's gang imagined in an earlier post) enough personnel not to fall apart if a couple members happen to be in jail that week or recovering from heat-vision burns.

The Gamester (who fought the spectacular Sea Devils and needs to become Aquaman's Riddler). Yeah, so what if he probably died in that "Man-Fish" story? No one read it anyway. Give the man some floating gambling casinos and you've got a maritime buddy for the Riddler and another foe for Aquaman (who can always use another "old foe").

The Puzzler (no, not from the Batman TV series; the woman who stymies Superman). She's a redux on the original Golden Age Puzzler who looked, well, very much like the Toyman. Writers knew how to deal with Superman in the Golden Age; they gave him societal problems and intellectual villains that couldn't be licked by simply throwing a car around (the Puzzler, Mxyzptlk, the Prankster, J. Wilbur Wolfingham, the Ultrahumanite, Lex Luthor). Anyway, perhaps she could be a love interest for one of the others in the group?

Everyone's favorite psychopathic hunchback, Dr. Riddle (who stumped Bulletman, which I'm sure must be terribly difficult). Not the smartest member of the bunch, but he's the creepy one you send to scare somebody. Little children, I should think.

The Golden Age villain Mr. Who, with some toning down of his powers, would fit in and add enormous muscle to the team (with super-strength, regenerative abilities, and chameleon powers). His colleagues could help him use his powers to actually make money instead of just looming over fairgrounds, crushing statues, and fighting Dr. Fate. They could also get him a make-over and a nicer outfit. Yeesh.

The Cluemaster (who's apparently cool now). Our Mr. Brown would have a legitimate function; heroes always look for clues and always find them. Arthur would simply make sure the clues led the wrong way. So what if the Riddler once strapped a bomb to his chest? No one remembers that story now...

The Calculator (you don't think the Secret Society is going to last, do you?). The Calculator knows all the answers; who else should he work with but the man who knows all the questions? I shudder to think what the Calculator and the Riddler could accomplish if they put their heads together.

The Spellbinder is a traditional Batman villain who relies on disorienting, confusing, and deluding people. She had a rather successful outing against Batman after she got her powers from Neron, but hasn't been seen since. Her brand of mind-games would spice up the gang considerable and be viciously effective under the direction of someone like the Riddler.

Hey, what about Miss Terry? She's pretty hard up for work since Mr. E went round the bend. Let's have her turn to crime and act as secretary to this busy little group. Although she'd play a secondary role, in some ways she'd be the smartest one (next to the Riddler) because while they occasionally go to jail, she does not.

Naturally, Query and Echo will remain. Not only because they are fabulous, but because if the Riddler tried to fire them, they'd beat him up.

And, last but not least, Quiz Kid (correctly spelled, however). "Real" Robin desperately needs this fun-filled Junior Riddler introduced as a rival in the Teen Titans, Go! #15. The Riddler would be great with a kid sidekick!

Two-Face's Gangland Posse

Two-Face is an old school gangster, folks. Loud suits, tommy guns, "hits" and "heists", thugs in coat and tie. He's the Dick Traciest of Batman's rather Traciesque Rogues' Gallery (and if you don't believe that, go look up Haf-n-Haf who first appeared in 1931).

A gangster needs a gang! And Two-Face needs one more than most. While Two-Face is certainly always disturbing (in some ways the most disturbing of the Bat-enemies), he's not always as threatening as we need him to be. Brilliant and sturdy though Two-Face is, Batman's basically fighting a burn victim with a law degree. While others sport freeze-guns, mind-controlling headwear, and exploding whoopie cushions, Two-Face carries ... a gun. Let's give the man some back-up, shall we?

The Joker's themes (clowns, humor, cards) are more style than substance; he's not really known for stealing objects or planning capers around his themes. The Golden Age Penguin used go pretty heavy on the themes (birds and umbrellas), but lightened up dramatically after the Crisis.

But Two-Face, as we all know, is really big on "theme"; always has been. He would definitely have lieutenants who shared one of his themes (the number two, justice, chance/fate, gambling, the coin). So I'm picturing:

Double Dare and The Body Doubles (already foes of Nightwing and classic examples of Free-Range Sidekicks)
The Trigger Twins (foes of Robin)
The Penny Plunderer (*sniff*, I love you, Joe, no matter what they say)
Hazard and her brother, The Gambler,
Jinx and Amos Fortune (if you play Heroclix, you know the value of "Probability Control")
The Bad Samaritan (which would keep me from donating him to Marvel)
Larry the Judge (Tec #72!)
a moll named Penny or Silver (gotta have a moll)
and for some comedic costumed chaos, Dollar Bill (surely some of you remember Dollar Bill!)

Anyone else?

Meow!

If you aren't reading Will Pfeiffer's "Catwoman", then start.

I ADORED his work on Aquaman. In ONE issue, he set Aquaman squarely on the road to recovery after the disastrous Veitch run. Aquaman became one of my favorite characters almost overnight, solely due to the strength of Pfeiffer's writing.

Finally (or so it seems), Pfeiffer will do what's been needed for Catwoman; make her a villain again. Bravo, Will!!!!!

Speaking of villains, I must confess ...

I can't identify all the villains on the two page spread in "Villains United" this week. Can you?

Somebody PLEASE tell me the guy in the front wearing the red jacket that says "Foul Play" is the new Sportsmaster! I've wanted them to use him as a Mr. Terrific for since the new Mr. T was introduced!!!

Riddle Me This!

How many cross-company Marvel/DC character codename duplications are there?

Let's start with the Captains Marvel (however it is spelled).

And the rest are ... ?

Blaze of Glory

Having rested now with other pursuits, we return to ... the Rungs of Villainy!

You've survived so far. Instead of being part of someone else's gang or some villainous co-op, you're operating solo or have a gang of your own (composed of Faceless Fodder, Nameless Underlings, and maybe even Denominated Henchmen or a Forgettable Moll). You have your own nom du crime, an M.O. or "theme", or maybe even a power or two.

Congratulations! You are now

A Solo Villain.

Let's meet one of your colleagues now, from the Motherlode of Villainy, the Evil Factory itself...

Gotham City.

Yes, glorious Gotham City, with its Decogothic architecture, giant props, terrible weather, and bizarre camera angles is the perfect breeding ground for villainy. Because it's intrinsically evil? Because its juxtaposition of wealth and poverty create a stormfront of crime? Because the sun can shine there only on alternate Thursdays or when Batman's away on a JLA mission?

No.

Because Gotham makes being a villain FUN!!! Why, just take a look here at your colleague "Blaze".

This long-lost cousin of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers is positively overwhelmed by the delirium of his own villainy. With his Joker grin and Manga eyes, coiled with a barely containable Gorshinesque glee, the Blaze is nearly aflame with passion for his own villainy. We should all be so lucky as to enjoy our jobs even HALF as much as Blaze.

Do heroes ever look that happy? No.

The best they ever manage is a forced grin while punning during fight scenes (which you can tell embarrasses them, but it's in their contract) or a chuckle of relief at the end of the story when they joke about how funny Blaze looked tumbling down a flight of stairs and into a convenient vat of chemical waste:

"It's terrible to see such a great mind ... go to waste, eh, Robin?"

"And how, Batman!"

But you and Blaze, you're Solo Villains. You couldn't care less what the hero, society, or Wizard Magazine thinks of you. Whether you're tearing the tags off mattresses or tossing parapalegics into a giant red ore-crusher named "Roger", you've done what others barely dare to dream -- you've given yourself utterly over to obsession and you are having the time of your life!

Who cares whether Wizard Magazine lists you as one of the "Ten Lamest Villains Ever, Except for Any From Marvel?" You are going to be in an Archive Volume some day; Wizard won't.

Maybe you'll become one of the great ones, defeatable only by the Comics Code or Hostess Fruit Pies ("Mmm! Real fruit filling!"). Maybe you'll discover the hero's secret identity and be immediately struck by a freak bolt of lightning while laughing triumphantly. Maybe you'll never be heard from again, and wind up the answer to an HCRealms trivia question or one of those hideous little MicroHeroes on an Angelfire site. Even worse, you might end up a Green Arrow foe.

No matter. Even if, like your colleague above, you're merely a fleeting "blaze" of glory ...

you'll have had fun.

The Devils, You Say!

Naturally, like all decent people, I'm a member of the League of Challenger-Haters. In fact, I'm the person who took Multi-Woman's place after she left for the 30th Century to become a Disciple of Night Girl.

Devon of Seven Hells invited me to join; he took the place of Drabny, because they both are basically ordinary humans with Chinese comic book collections. But I digress.

Anyway, as the new reigning Queen of the Challenger-Haters (I look MUCH better in the outfit than she did!), I have to state, loudly, publically, and for the record ...

I love the Sea Devils.

Now, you probably think that makes no sense, since they are virtually identical small groups of powerless plucky adventurers in gaudy matching costumes and based on Painfully Obvious Archtypes (The Leader! The Tough Guy! The Smart Guy! The Hothead/Kid! The, um, Girl!).

But then again, you probably drink RC Cola.

The Challengers are goobers (even they know it, as the panel demonstrates). Dressed like Chinese acrobats, these societal rejects stumble about in the dark, where, since they are dealing with the "Unknown", no one will notice how stupid they are. I guarantee you, if they were faced with the REAL Unknown, they'd wet themselves before they could wriggle out of those ridiculous banana-hued flight-suits. Starman would knock these guys over on the way to fight the Green Arab and not even notice. Their vehicle? The "Galloping Gizmo"; jeez, just call it the "Goobermobile", why don't you? They're the Fantastic Four minus the Fantastic; no wonder an entire League of people hate them. Kirby creations; 'nuff said.

The Sea Devils, ah! Now there is a groovy group, not like the Chals at all. They are masters of the mysterious underwater world. Have you ever swum? A lot? In the ocean? The Sea Devils must be RIPPED, baby! And highly intelligent, as marine biology is an extremely complex field. I mean, they are so smart they built a giant underwater robot that looks like Neptune ... and they live in its head. Not even Batman is that smart. Unlike the Chals, who grope about for a stick to whack whatever monster happens along in "the unknown", the Sea Devils mean business, bud. Two words for ya: harpoon gun. The Sea Devils are smart, ripped, and oxygenated for action, just like their babelicious creator Robert Kanigher (*swoon*!!!!).

Observe. Ace, the "leader" of the Challengers, is merely a slackjawed pawn in the sexual mindgames of superior beings like Judy Walton and Dane Dorrance, the erotic tension between whom is so powerful it's already fried that poor Rear Admiral's nice white uniform to a brown toasty crisp. Stoically grimacing through the searing pain, the Admiral's preparing to get the Chals "up to speed"; good luck with that, sir!

Meanwhile, the Sea Devils are analyzing new species of eukaryotes, harnessing submarine geothermal energy sources, and negotiating their movie contracts, all of which you'll be able to read about on their blog that evening. In that time, if they're lucky, the Chals will have remembered how to peel off those banana-suits (if Judy doesn't take a break to show them how herself!).

I'm having custom Heroclix made of the Sea Devils, to swim proudly by the new "Icons" Aquaman's side. The Chals? Pogs; movable terrain, easily removed from play once they've got harpoons sticking out of their chests.

You can cheer on the "Challengers", if you want; I'm sticking with the champions!

Japanese Sandman

Sanderson Hawkins, a.k.a. Sandy the Golden Boy, a.k.a. "Sand". You probably don't think about him much.

He was a hero in the Golden Age. In the Silver Age. In the Modern Age. And in this panel you get a glimpse of what kind of hero he is.

Just brought back to human form after saving the earth from cracking into pieces at the cost of the cohesion of his silicon form, naked, dazed, confused, and about to fall unconscious into the arms of a comrade, Sand still remains focused on his mission, his team ...

and his Heroic Haiku.

"Eclipso. Mordu.
Have to save the Earth. Have to
find the J S A."

Gods, that's inspiring! Most of us would have just spit out "Grk! Ack! What th-- Oohhh!" before falling over face down in the rubble. You can tell this guy knew the Golden Age Starman! And his boss, the original Sandman, used to compose little poems all the time, designed to upset evildoers. Clearly, Sandy was a good pupil and remains a true hero.

What haiku can YOU compose in honor of the poetic heroism of Sand on this occasion?

Overshadowed by ... The Light!

You know what's been missing from my life? DRAMA!!!

Fortunately, it only takes one panel of Golden Age Starman to fix that problem...

At one point in his career, Starman was being menaced for many pages by the machinations of a shadowy villain known as "The Unknown." How exactly one can be "known" as "the Unknown" without exploding in paradox I do not know ... but if anyone can do it, it's a Starman villain.

Imagine the unimaginable horror when the Unknown, once known, turns out to be ...

THE LIGHT!

You remember him, of course.
The villain with the second flattest head in all of comicdom.
The villain with the Distintegration Tube in his backpocket.
The villain with no given or discernible reason for his nom du crime.

Good GRAVY, folks...! What a DRAMATIC reappearance of a villain believed dead by his own hand!








The exposure of the Mystery Villain as a Longtime Foe!

Characteristic Starman-villain Trans-fourth-wall Menacement!

Accusatory Reminescences of Befoiled Plans of Planetwide Conquest!

Declarations of the Triumph of Evil!

The Countenance of F. Murray Abraham, heavily inked, lit from below, and wearing purple!

Radiating Drama-lines of Doom!

Good lord, what if you were standing by yourself on a nearly abandoned subway platform, wondering why your train was late, and a Unknown Stranger with heavy Eastern European features and a sinister Van Dyke thrust his face into you, full-frame, hissing that he was your archenemy, back from the dead, unhappy with your interference, and about to triumph over you?!!

I don't know about you, but personally, I'd just throw myself right onto the Third Rail, and be done with it...

Thank the gods for Starman!!!!

Ten Questions

I need some dumb questions answered; can any of you help me?

1. So, what can Tempest do, exactly?

2. Which villains have law degrees?

3. Why weren't people mad at Marvel for the "Sentry" hoax?

4. What idiot decided that Two-Face's movie theme song should be in 3/4 time?

5. How many years now has the Flash storyline been running in circles?

6. Am I the only person who remembers that Batman trained Vibe?

7. What are Koryak's powers and how do you know?

8. Have you noticed that most young heroes aren't college-educated?

9. When the Legion cartoon starts soon, can we forget the current unpleasantness that is LSH?

10. Why doesn't DC sell copies of the map of Gotham?

The Penguin's Fine-Feathered Finks

As we did recently for the Joker, I want to compose a gang for the Penguin. I suppose it's more of a mob, really; after all, the Penguin has substantial organized crime interests to be maintained, along with legitimate businesses.

The Penguin is fairly unique among Batman enemies. For one thing, he's sane! He's been everything from a JLA- battlin' supervillian to an unscrupulous but legitimate businessman. I've seen him fight Firestorm to a standstill yet get beaten up by Harvey Bullock. I've seen him kiss babies as a mayoral candidate and sell them into slavery as a crimelord. The Penguin is a renaissance villain. Unless, you're in Vertigo or the 3oth century, there's always a way you could fit him in your story if you wanted to.

So, the Penguin needs lieutenants of the same ilk, not just a bunch of superpowered nutcases with bird names. And they need to have specific roles in his criminal empire, like so...

• Killer Moth (the protection racket)
• The Monocle (weaponization)
• The Cavalier (fencing operations; c'mon, you know it works...!)
• Mr. Freeze (R&D)
• Killer Shark (smuggling)
• Firefly (arson and insurance fraud)
• Count Vertigo (international acquisitions)
• Brutale (enforcement)

Most of these guys could pass in legitimate society; Killer Moth, the Monocle, the Cavalier, and Count Vertigo are rather high society, in fact, and just the kind of people the pretentious Penguin would want to surround himself with.

Killer Moth's original role was a protector ... of criminals. Working for the Penguin, he could run the protection rackets the keep small businesses from interference by criminals and small criminals from interference by police.

The Monocle, back from Limbo thanks to Identity Crisis, need something to do. Anyone who can turn a friggin' monocle into a weapon is obviously an armament genius, so he's in charge of adapting weaponry for use or re-sale.

The Cavalier; okay, apart from the horrible pun, fencing does make sense for him. He's a high-class millionaire who knows where to get valuable items and who will pay for them. Besides -- who do you think taught the Penguin how to swordfight with an umbrella?

Mr. Freeze? Some may bristle at the idea of a villain as important as Mr. Freeze working for someone else. Just think of it as his dayjob; he's a subcontractor. Victor makes mayhem with the best of them, but his activities don't usually seem very profitable. Cold-suits ain't cheap, so someone's got to be paying his bills. Freeze was a brillaint scientist and I'm sure the Penguin could come up with projects for him. Besides, thematically, I love those two guys together.

Killer Shark you probably don't remember, but he's an Aquaman foe, a smuggler (dressed in a shark costume, of course). What a perfect choice to head up the Penguin's smuggling operations and cause some occasional conflict with Aquaman. It also allows for appearance by a host of sea-scavengers, including Black Jack, Orca the Whalewoman (you're welcome, Devon!), and THE AWESOME HUMAN FLYING FISH.

Someone should be putting Firefly's destructive talents to good use, and the Penguin is the man to do it. And who else is going to give a snooty foreign ex-con like Count Vertigo a job, huh? Headquartered now in Bludhaven, wouldn't the Penguin use a little local muscle as a bodyguard? So Nightwing's foe Brutale gets a job (as does any other killer, for a fun guest star).

Black Mask is cute and all, but having him "run the Gotham Underworld" when there are people like the Joker and the Penguin around seems, well, temporary at best. When Black Mask falls (if his latest drubbing by both the Joker AND Batman isn't already his end), something needs to replace him, and I think coalitions like the ones I've described for the Joker and the Penguin are just the thing. Think of them as mini-Secret Societies...

Cool McCool

As long as it's Saturday morning....!

Today I praise Bob Kane's greatest creation and contribution to human society.

What? Bat who? Nope .. never heard of him. Don't be silly; I'm talking about Cool McCool, people! If you don't remember him, read on. If you do, visit his discussion board for emotional support about his absence.

Star of his own cartoon show for three years, Cool was part James Bond, part Maxwell Smart, and part Inspector Gadget. He tended to spoonerize, wore a bright yellow trenchcoat, and was loaded with gadgets, including his moustache radio. Just like his contemporary, Bat-Fink, Cool had two catch-phrases:

"Danger is my business!" and "It'll never happen again, Number One!"

"Number One" was his boss, never fully seen on camera. Cool spent a lot of time apologizing for his mistakes in Number One's office ...

I've never said "Danger is my business", but I've often said, "It'll never happen again, Number One!" My life plan includes marrying the first person who recognizes the phrase when I use it. I'm hoping this post will better my chances of matrimony.

Confusing and creepy to my young mind was the fact that Cool fought a VERY familiar rogue's gallery, which included the Rattler (Copperhead), Jack in the Box (the Joker), Madcap (the Mad Hatter), the Owl (the Penguin) and the Pussycat (the Catwoman). Originality was never Bob's long suit, huh?

He had a, um, cool car: the Coolmobile. And he had a, well, cool theme song:

Ohhhhh Double O. C-double O. C-double O-L. C-double O-L Mc. Cool, Mc Cool. Danger is his business.
The Owl is flying high, frightening to the eye. The Rattler is nearby, Cool is on the fly. Danger is his business.
Madcap's back in town, yeah bought Cool a crown. Boxes are a-poppin', Cool is kept a-hoppin'. Danger is his business.
That's Hurricane Harry, with all the wind he can carry. Oh that cool's the coolest, Danger is my business.

Naturally, the animation is of its day, but it was actually a pretty clever parody. It's available on DVD, but only in British countries, just like Batfink.

Aqua-Teen Hunk Force

This is Alan Ritchson, who'll be playing young Aquaman on "Smallville".

Yeah.

He'll do.

And "Vibe! The Movie, Meng" takes one step closer to reality...

Shadowface and His One-Eyed Sailor

Hm. The man with the receding hairline and carefully crafted man-shadow says he won't go down.

Hard to believe, if you ask me.

His one-eyed friend saucily wagers he can change his mind, ho ho!

Why doesn't shadowface want to go down for his one-eyed friend?

Ah! I know! Perhaps he doesn't like seamen...

Anyway, my money's on Popeye, folks.

One last thing; this is a Robin the Boy Wonder story, folks!

A Full House for the Joker

What do you think Batman would do if he were chasing the Joker to his hideout, and turned a corner to find the Joker's new gang:

Harley Quin
Punch & Jewelee
The Madmen
The Harlequin
a new version of The Joker's Daughter
The Prankster (sorry, the only decent Prankster page is in Spanish)
The Mime (a one-shot Max Allan Collins creation, but still available!)
The Royal Flush Gang
Double Down

Run for his life, that's what he'd do.

As mentioned in previous posts on "the Rungs of Villainy", "Dynastic Centerpieces", and "Johnsification", I think the DCU would be more fun if some of the minor characters floating around homelessly were connected to some of the more major characters. So, using that principle, I'm going to build some gangs around some of my favorite villains, starting with the Joker.

I think it's already obvious why the group of characters go naturally together and would be a threatening group and an interesting read. We might also get a real sense of the Joker as the criminal mastermind he used to be in the Golden Age, not the jibbering wack-job he's sometimes portrayed as. I happen to think that if he's written well, we can have our cake and eat it, too.

"But Harley Quin has grown and is out from under the Joker's thumb and she'd never blah blah bah!" Uh-huh. How's that working for her? One brief cancelled series later, her "new persona" has rendered her unusable. Just return her to her "classic" self, and bring her back to life, I say.

Nothing says wacky like Punch & Jewelee. Unmoored from their Charlton origins with Capt. Atom and Nightshade, these seldom-used characters are more daft and less effective than the Joker and Harley. Their perverted "rather TOO happy couple" would provide comic relief, taking the pressure off the Joker/Harley relationship, and letting the other gangmembers be as dark as needed.

The Madmen? These old Blue Beetle villains are too bizarre to be left bouncing around in the background! Visually stunning, but undermotivated, they'd be perfect as nameless underlings for the Joker.

The Harlequin, the Prankster, and the outre Double Down are underused, underappreciated villians of Green Lantern, Superman, and the Flash respectively. Some screentime as trusted lieutenants of Mr. J and their profiles will skyrocket, giving them enough oomph to be seen occasionally as independent operators. Plus, the smiling guy gets some super-powered help!

The Royal Flush Gang. Any version. D'uh!

The Joker's Daughter. A child of Bob "Wacky" Rozakis, the Joker's Daughter was so much fun people are STILL talking about her 30 years later. Give in, DC! Give us the Joker's Daughter, I don't care how you do it. Just put her in the original outfit; there are few comic book images more disturbing than a woman dressed as the Joker!

The Mime. Okay, she was AWFUL in her one appearance. All the more reason to dust her off, give her a new personality and stick her with Mr. Laughapalooza. To satisfy those who prefer a more independent Harley, she could be the Joker's silent squeeze.

I'd love it if the Red Hood could be brought into the mix. But somehow I can't see that happening with the current version...!

Johnsification

If you watch all those cleaning, reorganizing, and remodeling shows on TV (and I do, because it's much easier than cleaning, reorganizing, or remodeling), then you learn that "everything in your house should have a place, and if it doesn't, it shouldn't be in your house."

That's some of the spirit that's been behind the "Character Donation" series the Absorbascon has been doing jointly with Seven Hells. That, and, of course, anti-Marvel snark; we're only human, ya know.

A similar impetus drives the "Rungs of Villainy" and "Dynastic Centerpiece" series. By analysizing the mytho-structural context of function-driven identities in comics' Manichean etho-sphere, we deepen and enrich our understanding of the artform, its conventions, and, perhaps, how it reflects ourselves and our society. Or maybe it's just funny. Take your pick.

Anyway, we are just following DC's lead, I guess. They've got their writers taking all the "old" characters lying around, rearranging them and using them in new and interesting ways. If you sent yourself a tachyon-email to about 10 years ago and told your past self that the Calculator and Cat-Man would be breakout characters of 2005, your past self would just laugh and delete it.

So many who read comics -- or, at least, those who write about reading them -- seem to think that creativity is about creating new characters. They fall over for every trendy little "Girl 13" or "Fallen Angel" or "Breach" some frustrated novelist pulls together (no offense meant, really, to those particular characters; replace them with others in your mind, if you want!). They make fun of icons like Superman and Batman, as old, empty, tapped out. Some people always want what's new and different, not because it's necessarily better, but because they are people intrinsically dissatisfied whatever is or went before, and who think the grass is always greener on the other side of the origin. They keep "small press" small; all those new characters they revere one minute are abandoned when the new flavor-of-the-month comes along ("Dude, aren't you reading 'Pistachio Girl and the Sprinkles'? I've never read anything like it!").

They're the same people who can read Ayn Rand without laughing or puking (ain't that right, JP?). They worship individualism and independence, failing to see that greatness can be achieved only in a larger context than us, the context of society as a whole. People disconnected from their society don't really amount to much, I think. If a man living alone on the moon makes a masterpiece, who gives a flying? He is a tree, falling in a forest.

So it is with comic book characters disconnected from the larger context of their "comic book universe". DC toyed with this idea in the original JSA and early "cross-pollination" between titles, but Marvel first carried it to its logical conclusion: anyone in Marvel might interact with anyone else in Marvel, tune in to see it! Of course, putting them all in Manhattan was overkill, but that's a different discussion.

And what are DC's best writers doing lately? Ellis, Simone, Morrison, Johns, et al.; they're revitalizing existing characters from DC's stable -- it's enormous, nearly ENDLESS stable of characters. So many that DC actually could give away the 365 characters that Devon and I will nominate as "donations", without it causing more than a slight bump in their overall storytelling. Making up new characters for the DCU, at this point, isn't a sign of creativity; it's a sign that you lack the creativity to do something new with any of the existing characters.

.I'll label this process of creative re-use "Johnsification" after its greatest practitioner, who takes broken pieces of DC's past and turns them into some fine-looking mosaics! His use of Ian Karkul to explain Obsidian's powers; of the shared Egyptian basis for the Hawkman, Dr. Fate, and Captain Marvel myths; of a common explanation for Hector Hammond and the Shark, which ties them to Hal through his USAF and sci-fi connections; these are merely a few recent examples. And what fun it all is, delighting longtime readers while enticing and amazing newer ones!

That's a "trend" Seven Hells and the Absorbascon are happy to join in on! We'll suggest "Johnsifications" ourselves from now on, and label them as such, proposing groupings and connections of existing DC characters we think would enrich the mytho-structural context of the DCU's etho-sphere.

Or that would simply be fun.

Creepiest Post You've Ever Seen!

Hm, looks from this cover as if Hal Jordan is superpowerless except from the waist UP, this time.

And poor Hector Hammond.
So lonely. So depressed. So horny.

Ordinarily, I frown on company crossovers (I believe, along with Sonny Bono and Debbie Harry, "Segregation now; segregation forever!"). But in this case I'm moved to make an exception.

I think Hector and Modoc should date.

Yes, Hal is a man-babe and everyone wants him, and Hector is totally into him. But I can't imagine Hector putting up much of a fight when Modoc looks him in the eye and says, as he does in this panel:

"Those who know me know that Modok shall not be denied!"

Whoosh! It's enough to make a body SWOON (even if that body is mostly a giant head).

How CUTE would they be! They could go hat-shopping together, share a romantic Kirby-dot-lit dinner of nutrient-gruel (with Modok seductively spoon-feeding Hector), and then repair to Modok's hip high-tech bachelor pod, where he could prove that, in fact, he's not designed ONLY for killing, wink wink, nudge nudge.

And, the best part is, all Hector has to do is what he does best:

Just lie there.

The Power of Introposition

Face it: the best you can hope for is being a supporting character-in-law.

You have no superpowers, Olympic-level abilities, or leotard/cape combo outfits with your emblem emblazoned on them. You don't even have an emblem.

What's more, you don't know anyone who does. If you're very lucky, you're someone who knows someone else who does. If so, you're a supporting cast member for a member of somebody's supporting cast. You're Boris from "Steel"; you're Terry Berg's boyfriend; you're Marsha Mallow.

But take heart, for you are not without abilities of your own! Supporting characters-in-law have the power that many walk-on characters have, a highly specialized form of exposition called:

Introposition -- the ability to synopsize your personality and story-function with one word balloon.

In the panel above, Marsha Mallow and Kristen Cutler (whose names certainly help) use their power of introposition to quickly establish themselves as the Fat Comic Relief and the Self-Centered Bitch. Both of them, in one panel.

The economy! The tersity! The simplicity! You think comic book writers love to write characters that can move planets? No, they do not. What they love are characters with the incredible power of introposition.

Can you imagine a person in real life walking up to you and saying, "I'm Marsha Mallow! Too many calories, no will power -- and a new diet every week!" It would be AMAZING. People who would basically speak in "personal ads". You would know immediately everything you'd ever need to know about them, how you should treat them, and what to expect from them. How much better society would be!

Here's my challenge:

• You've just walked on panel and have to "introposition" yourself to the other characters within the space of one word balloon. How do you summarize your personality and role in life's storyline...?

Bob Kanigher

If you don't know who Bob Kanigher was, you deserve to.

He wrote and edited for DC for about a thousand years, particularly Wonder Woman, Flash, and the Justice League. He created (deep breath!)...

Black Canary
Star Sapphire
The Rose and the Thorn
The Trigger Twins
Poison Ivy
Rex the Wonder Dog
King Faraday
The Metal Men
and based on his own substantial war experience,
Johnny Cloud
Enemy Ace
The Haunted Tank
Capt. Storm
and, yes,
SGT. ROCK.

He was also a stone-cold, ripped, military man-babe.

You go, Bob!

Haiku Tuesday: Dueling Haikus of Death

You think you've seen this post before, but you haven't! I've discussed Vibe's horrible death recently, but there was something I didn't notice about it until it was pointed about to me by an observant commenter ("Jeff R.", in fact):

the Ivoid kills Vibe in flawless haiku.

"I have been ordered
to murder you. I am not
programmed for failure."

Creepy as that it is, its creepiness is badly compound by an even stranger fact:

Vibe replies, with his death gasps ... in haiku.

"No! Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off! I can't breathe, damn
it! I can't==oh, god.."

Brrr. Creepy.

What haiku can YOU compose either about this little death scene or to serve as substitute haikus for theirs? Even haikus unflatterable of Vibe will be accepted!

Although I can't imagine anyone wanting to write anything unflattering about Vibe....