Monkey Business

The Washington Post has a lovely little article on the Big Monkey Comics Women's Group today, courtesy of our friend, Jen Girdish. If I had my way, every comic book store would have a women's group. Of course, if I had my way, every comic book store would be a Big Monkey... !

The Women's Group, by the way, meets this Wednesday night at Big Monkey. Through absolutely no coincidence at all, that is also the Biago chocolate tasting at Big Monkey, with free samples offered and explained by our friends at our local chocolate shoppe, Biago Chocolate. Yes, folks; dark chocolate, shiny comics, and bright fans of both!

Come on in Wednesday night and enjoy a bar or two!

If you can't wait until Wednesday to visit us, you're in luck. Tomorrow evening Big Monkey is hosting the Monthly Monday Mixer for Washington's Mid-City Business Association. If you'd like you can show up, schmooze with all the business owners in Mid-City, and tell them how fabulous we are. it will be catered by our wonderful friends from Rice. You'll even be able to meet Lance the Blogger there in person!

Last Saturday, there were 13 participants in the second leg of our "Starro Attacks!" Heroclix tournament series. And that's without counting Ben "Whiten THIS!" Hatton, Devon "I'm not turtling, I'm holding my forces in reserve" Sanders, and Tom "Tell Santa what you'd like for Clixmas" Price.

The tournament series has five legs (duh... it's a starfish, people!), with participation prizes for each contestant in each leg. On the first week, the prize was a Starro-Slave Aquaman (with glorious special powers like "King of the Sea"); last week it was the Starro-Slave Flash (the first clix of Barry Allen!).

Join us this coming Saturday (either to play or just kibbitz) at 1PM, where the participation prize will be the awesome Green Arrow with a Starrophyte Covering His Stupid Face! Rumor has it the entire World Association of Green Arrow Fans may show up to participate, which would break our attendance records if both of them decide to come!

Heroclix Pog: the Running Dog

Sunday is custom Heroclix pog day, and today's is The Running Dog, starring the Credited Andrew Carl.

Don't you hate those craven hirelings who run at the little sign of trouble, such as the advent of a punishing alien that fires beams of energy from its hands or eyes that can level buildings? Spineless pansies!

Then you need to hire the Running Dog.

He's quiet and you can pay him in Sunny Surplus coupons.

He's armed for bear and actually looking for one.

He's determined, as represented by Willpower on his dial.

And he's a pitiless, stone cold killer, the kind who listens to opera in his headphones while aiming at your opponent's pesky Lian Harper.

How can you not love this man?

By the way, we are still looking for suitable submissions of personal photos for the following pogs:

1. The Scrapper*(he's fast in a fight)
2. The Gunsel (look weaselly; gunsels are always weaselly. The Gunsel has Stealth).
3. "Two-Gun" (I don't care if you're a grandmother of four, if you can get two real pistols in your hands in the pic, then you are Two-Gun)
4. The Gunwoman (in a pantsuit, I should think)
5. The Gunslinger (he watches the Country/Western channel)
6. The Punk Kid (if you're a bit long in the tooth, I'll just take off the 'kid' part)
7. The Enforcer (this guy looks he'll hurt you, for money)
8. The Bruiser (this guy is big but slow)
9. The Tough Guy (this one has Toughness, so please look you could actually take a punch to the face without falling over)
10. Judo Guy ("I paid Joon Rhee good money for those classes and now is my chance to show off for the boss!)
11. Judo Gal ("I am totally going to show up that jackass, Judo Guy!")

Should be pictured with gun.

Things That Made Me Happy...

in my comics this week.

• Pa Luthor.
• Wendy and Marvin's unorthodox weightlifting program.
• The Duke of Deception. Good to see ya again!
• The Return of Uncle Sam and the Freedom Fighters. For a few pages, at least!
  
• Brimstone with a starrophyte on its face.
• Nazi Flash's costume.
• Black Condor versus Firebrand on American Indian history.
• Jimmy Olsen is a very hot mer-man. Bait my hook!
  
• Tim's plan for making a 'real difference'. Tim Drake; still the coolest person in the DCU.
• Circe's 'gift'. Clever way of having our cake and eating it, too. I like it. But I have little expectation that it will continue...
• Martian Manhunter with a starrophyte on his face.
• The Mask? Yeah, we definitely need her in WW's Rogues Gallery.
• The Crime Society.
• "He needs our help with his sexy fight!"
• Wonder Girl I and Wonder Girl II are Nightwing and Robin. Yes, they are; the Dynastic Centerpiece model will not be denied.
• Blue Beetle is a good student, and teaches Dr. Zuel a lesson.
• Okay, could the dirty stinking Rannies have been any more vile to Adam Stranger this week? The scorpion stings, Adam; it is its nature.
  
• We use their bones as fertilizer on the next crop? Now, THAT is over the top villainy.
• Careful, Mxyzptlk; stare at the Fourth Wall long enough, and it will stare back at you!
• Jaime Reyes's parents can make me cry every time they appear; it's their superpower.
• The Red Bee's Ironically Apt Empowerment takes a turn for the worse.
• Lex Luthor frenching Lois Lane.
• What Lex Luthor did after frenching Lois Lane.
• Heinrich Himmler as Max Headroom.
• Heh. Timberwolf came before Wolverine. Never forget that.
• PLEASE please please tell her name is "White Canary"... . PLEASE.
  
• Jason Todd the Wishbone.
• Piranhas and wasps in a death trap? Nice one, Morrison!
• How Peacemaker ruined his boots in Arizona.
• Snapper Carr versus Starro, I expected. Snapper Carr versus the Trinity, I did not expect.

And the Winner of Our Poll is...

Why We Hate Adam Strange and Rannies

I have always enjoyed having prowess with words, and have striven toward expressing any of my thoughts or feelings with clarity, and, if possible, with style. But I have fallen into hubris by thinking myself capable of expressing any of my thoughts or feelings.

The gods punish hubris. In my case, with the Showcase Presents: Adam Strange edition.

Just as Adam Strange vanquishes the absurd dangers that beset the feeble Rannians daily, so too he defies my vainly vaunted powers of self-expression. For my abilities in English fail utterly to find a way to express my hatred of Adam Strange and the dirty, stinking Rannians he protects, a hatred that burns hotter than the triple suns of Alpha Centauri.

A triple-sun with a stable planetary system? I can barely type that without stuttering in indignation for Gardner Fox's mockery of science!

My hatred of Adam Strange and the Dirty Stinking Rannies is a matter of public record, and the reasons are clear. That hatred was, indeed, almost my first "theme" on this blog. So the Showcase Presents: Adam Strange edition is like a 510-page slap across the face.

I bought it the day it came out. I read it every day. I am still not finished it, because every few panels I have to scream, or gargle, or wash my hands, or have my spleen attended to.

But it will not defeat me. I am no mere Cloud Creature or Giant Living Atom. I will not bow to thee, "Champion of Rann". Though it may take the remainder of my days, I shall document your turpitudes for all the world to see.

Those who do not truly believe they will be wanted content themselves with being needed, and Adam Strange is their avatar. And there are no needier people than the enfeebled Rannians, who can invent a beam for instantaneous teleportation across 25 trillion miles, but can't change a light bulb without the help of a fin-headed archaeologist that Josh Bernstein could beat up in under 60 seconds. It is the ultimate dysfunctional relationship in comics, with Adam Strange enmeshed in a codependency with an ENTIRE PLANET. Shudder.

On earth, children play at being cowboys, or astronauts, or heroes.

On Rann? Children play...


at being saved by Adam Strange.

The Madness of Queen Jean: The End...?!

When last we left Carter and Ray, they were imprisoned together and wearing harnesses (much like the young gentlemen in that film classic, The Super-Stalag of Space; but I digress).

Love really is blue.

Presiding over their cerulean imprisonment is the madwoman, Queen Jean, who answers the decades long mystery of "Whatever did happen to Phantom Lady's original outfit?"

Ray. Dude. It's been exactly one day. Man up.

So Hawkman and Atom decide to fall for each other... literally. They fake their deaths by falling over a cliff (saved, of course, by Hawkman's wondrous Nth metal).


The shock of seeing her lover plummet to his death breaks through Jean's madness, and she cries out to terrified agony at her loss!

Or not.

Then the Atom frees himself and Hawkman from their anti-theft harnesses using DC-patented silver-age-superscience.

Or simply "stuff like electricity".

Hawkman looks so disappointed when he says, "the harness is free". You know how he likes harnesses; I think he was hoping the Atom was hooking those electric cables to his nipples. Thanagarians are not delicate people.

Then, as they rush to kidnap Queen Jean and make their escape, Hawkman, in an uncharacteristically Morrisonesque violation of the fourth wall, comments on virtually every man I've ever dated...

Hook electric cables to your nipples too much, Hawkman,
and you burn them right off.

And if you don't laugh, I'll cave your skull in with my mace.

Once they reach Queen Jean, her relief at her imminent rescue is palpable!

Or not.

So, rather than using Hawkman's brawn or the Atom's brains, Ray guilts Don Quixote into letting them go with a black belt Emo-chop.

"These aren't the droids you're looking for..."

Frankly, I think Don's just terrified of Jean, and is happy to be rid of her.

So, Ray re-enbiggens them all, and Jean regains her senses


or they cure her.

Or not.

Heroclix Pogs: The Gashouser

Sunday is Special Pog Day at the Absorbascon and today's is a special guy: The Gashouser.

A "gashouser" is a barroom brawler, the kind of guy who turns violent and nasty when he's got some liquor in him (which is most of the time) and spend their nights shanking other ne'er-do-wells in the guts and smashing barstools over heads. You can see it just by looking in his eye! And remember, the last guy who called him "Pretty Boy" is still eating through a straw... .

He was probably some sort of sturdy dockworker before he turned to crime. As long as I'm getting into a fight every night, he thought, I might as well get paid for it!

Even at his young age, he's been in so many fights, he's developed Flurry and Combat Reflexes (like former boxing champ Rocky Davis of the Challengers of the Unknown, from whose token his combat values are taken).

Pity his poor Irish mother, who probably cries herself to sleep every night thinking of how far her little boy Percival has strayed, and it's anyone's guess whether he's broken more men's bones or ladies' hearts... .

The part of the Gashouser is being played by this guy.

Swimming Trophies

Finny friends, come to my aid! The all-power internet can't solve this riddle for me, but I bet you can.

Like Batman and Superman, Aquaman had a Hall of Trophies. It was in the Aquacave.

1. What items do we know were in the Aquacave?
2. What items are likely to have shown up as trophies, even if we never actually saw them?

I'm thinking of making a Heroclix map for the Aquacave, and I just gotta know what was in it...

Things That Made Me Happy...

in comics this week.

• The most relaxing Big Monkey Podcast of all.
• Jordana Gardner. Who'd thunk it?
• Poor Catwoman. But really, it's inevitable, and thank you, Will Pfeiffer, for realizing it.
• Bouncing Boy versus Starro.
• I really have no idea why a badger is attacking Phobia, but I love it anyway.
• Pomegranate magaritas?
• I actually enjoyed the Flash this week!
• Nice G'norrt cameo in Legion.
• The entire history of the relationship between Green Arrow and Black Canary in three pages.
• See? I told you Klarion's a bad guy. Don't believe otherwise.
• Lois brings mace and brass knuckles to a wedding? Good old Lo-lo!
• Good lord, it's Serling Roquette; I'd almost forgotten her.
• Those are gardening gloves the Spectre wears, aren't they?
• "The U.S. Navy?!!" Heh; nice one.
• Well, THAT's an interesting origin for Eclipso, and probably the most sensible one so far. Even if it turns out to be a lie.
• See? Everybody knows he's an idiot.
• Good lord, I'd almost forgotten the origin of the cold-gun.
• Impressive recap of the Fate helmet's recent history.
• That the four men wearing suits to a bachelor party are Clark Kent, Alan Scott, Jay Garrick, and Plastic Man.
• Two successive panels in Robin completely encapsulated the spectrum of Batman's personality.
• Wait... is that Power Girl spanking a stripper...?
• Soup into a colander? That's ingenious.
• Connor Hawke can perform weddings; monks are cool.
• The Return of Mister Terrible.
• Tad Williams, who realizes that Aquaman can crush a gun, that Vandal Savage is just a caveman, that Lorena would take the time to paint an "A" on her armor, and that Aquaman has the power to defeat Krusivax and save the world.
• "I came for the fight."
• I love the realistic mundanity of Kent Nelson's fall from grace.
• Plastic Man versus Clayface.
• Kyle becomes a penciller; take that, Dr. Wertham!
• Hey, Eclipso; please remember he used to be Public Enemy No. 1!
• Most surprising honeymoon ever!!!! And leave it to Ben Hatton to put all the pieces together...
• I think BOP 110 just taught me to love the Huntress.
• Zatarra's even hotter than Tim Drake, if that's possible.
• Glad to see that Acuna realizes how freaking huge Central City/Keystone is.

"The Jungle" and other heroclix maps you can buy!

As you may have guessed from reading this blog, Heroclix is a big thing at the Big Monkey Comics stores. In addition to teaching the game and providing a forum for tournies and games, we try to do other fun stuff, like making special pogs, facilitating group orders on custom pogs, and designing special maps for our customers to play on.

Now, you too can share in some of the joy of being a Big Monkey Monkey customer who plays Heroclix, all in the comfort of your own home. Big Monkey Comics is proud to announce that our new line of custom Heroclix maps is now available through Xion Games!

The first three are water or "underwater" maps for all my fellow fans of Aquaman, and I think I've mentioned them on here before. Someday I hope to gather Will Pfeiffer, Kurt Busiek, Tad Williams and me around such a map, enjoying an all-aqua-game, watching the real Aquaman kayo Black Manta, who's just clobbered the Sword of Atlantis. And Ramona Fradon would be there, just sort of having tea and smiling at the little boys playing "Aquaman".

But the next two maps are ones you haven't seen and they are regular land-based maps.


Mercy Reef
Get out your "aquatic" clix! This all-underwater map has a coral reef separating opposing forces, and special rules for navigating its terrain. Take the plunge and visit Mercy Reef!

Sea Levels
For battles at and under the sea, you need "Sea Levels", which represents one segment of the sea at four different depths (The Surface, the Diving Zone, Deep Water, and Sea Bottom), each with its own special rules for movement and terrain. Take your aquatic gameplay to a new level!

Sunburn Beach
Want a nice open map on which aquatic forces can invade the land (or vice versa)? Pit landlubbers against ocean-dwellers at Sunburn Beach!

The Old Cemetery
A graveyard is a spooky place for a battle ... and a tricky one! Special headstone and tomb terrain make for lots of strategy. Will your figures survive "hide and seek" or wind up remaining in ... the Old Cemetery?!

The Jungle
"The Jungle" is a dangerous place, and now your Heroclix games can take place there! With lots of undergrowth (hindering terrain) and trees (blocking terrain), plus the river and the pond (water terrain), the Jungle is a challenge to get around in, let alone fight the enemy. Oh, look out for the crocodiles, gorillas, tigers, boas, vipers that occupy Danger Terrain. And did we mention the quicksand...?


Did I say "regular"? Well, that's a lie, of course. Each of them has special terrain, designed to enliven and give a bit more variety to your Heroclix gameplay. The Old Cemetery has "headstone terrain"; you can occupy it like hindering terrain, but from outside it blocks line of sight. That way, your figures can creep around hiding behind headstones! But the elevated terrain on the tops of tombs serves as special vantage points for attacking (or being attacked!). There's more than you might expect going on in an Old Cemetery.

Our latest map, the Jungle, has "Danger Terrain" which 'attacks' anyone who lands on it and "Elastic Terrain", such as the quicksand that requires breakaway. Beware the boa constrictor because it's BOTH! In the Silver Age, big monkeys came from the jungle; nowadays, "The Jungle" comes from Big Monkey.

Just think how many characters need to be on this map! Adventurer Rex "Metamorpho" Mason. Archeologists Adam Strange, Carter Hall, and Kent Nelson the first. Ray "Sword of the Atom" Palmer. Animal Man, Vixen, Cat-Man, & Bronze Tiger! Changeling & Cheetah! Copperhead and Eclipso! Gorilla Grodd, M'sieur Mallah, and the Ultrahumanite! Killer Croc and Kobra! Green Arrow and Sargent Rock! Poison Ivy and Solomon Grundy! Heck, the whole Suicide Squad, since they seemed to spend lots of time in the jungle... .

Oh, for those who buy the Jungle map, I've made a few special pogs for it. Of course!

You can't see it easily, but Bomba has the Aquatic ability, so he can wade through the river for you. Both he and Congo Bill are legal by the way, because their stats are identical to existing tokens (Bomba is based on Mera, and Congo Bill, with extreme irony, is based on Ken Hale). I'll make some more tokens for jungle characters, if anyone wants them and comes up with good ideas for ones to use.

The little capuchin monkeys below are special tokens you can add to the game. Nobody owns them, they're just sort of 'moving terrain'.

There are three trees on the map that have monkeys pictured on them. A capuchin token is placed adjacent to each of those trees, serving as blocking terrain. You can choose to move one of the capuchins as one of your actions during your turn (although they cannot be "pushed").

Like any token, the capuchins tie up regular figures, so you can use a monkey to run up and base an opposing figure, which must either breakaway or kayo the monkey (but that's bad luck). Of course, they have leap/climb, so your opponent can make them run back at you! Pesky little monkeys!

The Madness of Queen Jean, 4

Okay, so Jean Loring's gone crazy (I mean, publicly, in a way people can't help but notice), Ray's locked her in his bedroom while he explores the rug, and his arm's been mysterious encased in silver. Just another day in Ivytown.

Suddenly, Ray's attacked by Don Quixote and gives us a judo lesson.

They just don't write 'em like this anymore, folks.
Well, except for Judd Winick.

Ray's about to get zapped by Mister La Mancha's argentrifier, when he escapes by de-shrinkifying, which cracks the silver casing on his arms. Upon enbiggenment, Ray discovers...

JEAN LORING HAS ESCAPED!!!

It's such a lovely image. Helmet-haired Jean Loring, in those kicky white boots, lurching around the suburbs of Ivytown, whirling a cigarette stand above her head like a drunk Nancy Sinatra, escaped from her backstage handlers at the LA Pride Festival.

Is "a drunk Nancy Sinatra" a redundancy?

Now, if I discovered that

JEAN LORING HAD ESCAPED,

I'd call off the FBI manhunts for the Joker and Lex Luthor, signal the JLA, the JLA reserves, the JSA, the Freedom Fighters, and the Sea Devils, recall the 50 Green Lanterns who guard Superboy Prime, and leave a note in a time capsule for the Legion of Super-Heroes (because they are notorious for eavesdropping on our era).

But Ray Palmer is not me. Ray Palmer calls Hawkman.

Fortunately (because this is how comics worked in those days), Carter "Hawkman" Hall just happens to have lying around in his museum a suit of armor identical to the one worn by the Atom's assailant.

See? And you thought Ray was stupid for calling him.

The armor, Carter says, was found in Death Valley and appears to be made of an extraterrestrial alloy. So instead of being in a government lab, being studied, it just sits around in a museum somewhere. Welcome to the Silver Age.

You know who should play Hawkman in "Hawkman: The Movie"?
Josh Bernstein. Josh Bernstein in spandex and a harness.

Naturally, they go to where the suit was found, Ray turns a shrinky-dink ray on Hawkman, then they discover a subatomic city (by this point in his career, everything Ray does is "subatomic", not just tiny; no wonder they named it the Palmerverse), where they are immediately attacked by sentries flying on robot birds.

Why? Mostly to give Hawkman something to do, I suppose. Besides, mechanized birds were kind of a thing in the Silver Age. Remember Major Mynah?

Atom: "Sic 'em!"
Hawkman: "Wait, so, I'm your dog, now?"
Atom: "Silence, beeyotch, or I'll slap you like I did Jean and Hank Pym's wife."

Well, naturally, Hawkman does what Hawkman does, and takes out all the cyberavian sentries.

"Exactly as I hoped--!
The unexpected surge of lift drove him into his companion!"
FINALLY, I find my signature saying.

But what's this? Who does not approve?



No, Hawkman; not "Jean Loring". Rather, it is...

"QUEEN JEAN!"

And what does Queen Jean do to bad little boys and girls?

PUNISH.

Someones appears to have attached the "Trick Shot" feat to Queen Jean, huh? I guess only truly crazy people can fire in a loop-de-loop.

With Hawkman (the muscle) out of commission, the Atom (the brains) immediately gets clocked in the noggin by Don Quixote, who trusses them up in anti-theft devices, and explains that he drove Jean crazy with a crazy-making device (or possibly just by reading her Denny O'Neill's script for this story).

Why drive Jean crazy? Because he doesn't like long trips, that's why.

Next...

after Hawkman and Atom bond while wearing harnesses, doing heavy sweat work, and sleeping in the same cell, they fall for each other (with Josh Bernstein as "Hawkman", and Jake Gyllenhaal as "the Atom").

Madness of Queen Jean: Editor's Interlude

Back when they wrote stories like "Queen Jean, Why Must We Die?", comic books had an amazing institution called the "Letter Column" (leh-tuhr cohl-uhm). It was kind of like a message board where you could comment on recent comics. But with some incredible differences:

• It had a moderator who weeded out stupid comments.
• The moderator was an editor at DC Comics (!!!).
• People had to use words, instead of emoticons.
• It was actually in the comic itself, so that other readers would all see it.
• The moderator/editor himself would actually sometimes REPLY to your comment.

Amazing, huh?

Anyway, in the Letter Column of the comic book that contains "Queen Jean, Why Must We Die?", there's a letter commenting on a recent issue of Atom-Hawkman, the one with the first appearances of that groovy ghoulie the Gentleman Ghost.




The letter-writer enjoys heroes who lose their temper and act out, generational fear and distrust, and betrayal by friends. But little-bitty flying spheres (you know, like the kind that float around Mr. Terrific?) he finds too hard to swallow.

Who could that be?


Perhaps, the kind of person who would have Batman angrily turn his back on his friends in the Justice League to form and manipulate a group of younger heroes? Yes, it was...

ENEMY OF SOCIETY MIKE W. BARR,
CREATOR OF HALO THE OUTSIDER
AND PERPETRATOR OF
NUMBERLESS OTHER LITERARY CRIMES

The Madness of Queen Jean, 3

Where were we? Oh, yes...

So, Ray takes the hysterical, hallucinating Jean Loring back home to his house. Their house. Whatever. It's hard to tell at this point.

Then, because Ray (who's a big geek, after all) is fixed on his new glow in the dark official "One Ring" replica, he dispenses with Jean and her petty manias by relegating her to the Ranting Room.

Really, you may wonder why anyone would stay with Crazy Evil Jean. But she's got a 15-inch waist, Marlo Thomas hair, and when you say, "Go into the bedroom, lock the door, and don't budge until I call you!", she actually does it. I mean, those have got to be worth some serious points.

At this point, Ray does the only logical thing, after locking his raving lunatic of a lover in his bedroom, as if she were King George III.

He shrinks down to explore the rug.

No, really. It's what the Atom does, after all.

The All-New Atom never shrinks down to explore his rug, though. You know why? He has a dog.

But this rug is not only a rug in the DCUniverse, it's a rug in Ray Palmer's house, making it just about the most dangerous place imaginable. Sure enough, just what you'd expect to happen happens almost immediately...

an unidentified beam encases Ray's arm in silver.

Oh, that's silver alright; Silver AGE.

Anyway, then Hawkman gets involved and there are some killer robot bird assassins and Ray and Carter are enslaved in a subatomic world.

More on that later.

The Madness of Queen Jean, 2

When last we left Jean Loring, she was hallucinating the same face of some creepy guy on every person she saw.

And, really, how creepy do you have to be to scare Jean Loring, for pity's sake?

I should think that if the alternative is seeing the Face of Jean Loring,
the face of this executed murderer would be a relief.

So, instead of seeking help, like a normal, sane person, Jean, who was the model for "Cole" in Twelve Monkeys, decides to lie down.

Is that the world's worst briefcase or the world's best chocolate bar?

Wait.... lie down? Uh-oh...

Now, if you know Jean Loring, you know that this is bad news. Bad things happen when Jean Loring goes to bed. Remember, what Jean was doing in Identity Crisis when she told Ray she stepped on one of her best friends' brains to help cement their love? Yes; lying in bed.

When Jean Loring lies down, watch out. Jean does most of her crazy evil lying down in bed.

Ten Bed Partners Safer Than Jean Loring

1. The Joker
2. Norman Bates
3. Poison Ivy
4. Major Force
5. Jason Voorhees
6. a six-foot female praying mantis
7. Kyle Rayner
8. Jeff Palmer
9. A black widow spider
10. Senator Craig

After the Crazy Evil builds itself up in Jean as she lies in bed, affable physicist Ray Palmer arrives at her hotel (which, being in Ivytown, is known for hosting Freaked-Out Conventions). Why does Jean live at a hotel? I assume because no one will sell her a condo. I mean, can you imagine what happens to your property values when Jean Loring becomes your neighbor?

"Somebody's flipped!"
Hm... now, who could that be?
Who could that possibly be? Could it be....

JEAN LORING?!

"P-Please, Miss Loring!"

Oh, how many people have died with those as their last words!

Hm. Vases break too easily. Gotta find something sturdier, something with some heft. But still swingable...

Yeah, she'd never lose control like that;
she'd use a flamethrower.

I'm not sure whether Jean's attacking that bellboy with a cigarette stand or a weight from her rampagerobics class. Whatever it is, at least the hotel lobby doesn't have any flamethrowers lying around.

You know, I really hope this would be my reaction to hallucinating. Rather than saying, "Okay, this is very odd, and disturbing, and doesn't seem to be improving. I need to seek the help of a physician, mental health professional, or my superhero genius boyfriend who has the resources of the entire Justice League, including a telepath, at his disposal."
Because that would be boring. Sane, but boring.

Having dated Jean for quite some time, Ray appears to have gotten pretty blaise about this sort of thing.

"Okay, Jean; let's save this for the Ranting Room at home!"

Really, it's the one way he recognizes her: "Oh, this isn't just a random person having a conniption; she's completely out of her mind! Yep, this is my Jean, alright!"

Then comes ....

One of Comic Books' Greatest Moments:

And if Hank Pym's wife were here, I'd slap her around, too! And everyone would still love me!

If I had what the kids call "mad skillz" like Jon Carey, I'd make an animation out of that panel, with Ray endlessly slapping Jean, and her going from wide-eyed mania to closed-eyed pain, and him with that same unnervingly amused look on his face, with the crinkly laugh-lines around his eyes and a barely restrained chuckle on his smirking mouth. Then I'd wear it on a digital brooch.

Alas.

Eat your heart out, Hank Pym. When a Marvel hero slaps his wife, he becomes the Symbol of Male Evil For All Time. When a DC hero slaps his wife, she thanks him for it.