Zod's Naughty Doggies

If thou are not reading Krypto the Superdog, I call thee "fool".

When I saw my email from Big Monkey about what was coming out this week, I thought, "Gosh, should I really be getting 'Krypto', some goofy comic for little kids?"

Yeah. I actually think "gosh". It's just one of the things that happens to you when you read lots of Golden Age comics.

Well, I enjoy all my comics this week, a lot. But I think I enjoyed Krypto as much as all of them combined. How could this be?

If you read this month's issue (a brilliant riff on Superman II), you'd know.

Remember when I said the evil Kryptonians banished to the Phantom Zone had cats? Well, some of them also had dogs.

BEHOLD THE DOGS OF ZOD!

This single panel contains more concentrated Evil than the Collected Preacher and more Four-Color Fabulousness than the Complete Works of Jeph Loeb.

Evil Kryptonian dogs. In purple capes. And facial hair. Well, I mean, more facial hair. Now, I would have been content if "Growl", "Snarl" and "Snap" had been their names. Of course, I realize now that that's silly; it's legally impossible to do that, since that's the name of the three gremlins on the box of Earth-3 Rice Krispies. So, in fact, their names are "Dom", "Vilea", and "Tronk", which automatically tells you everything you need to know about them collectively and individually; it's a masterpiece of canine introposition. I'm willing to bet that you, like I, are so immediately swept away by this Silver Age tsunami of a panel that you knew immediately that, rules of pronunciation be damned, that second name is "VILE - UH", not "vill AY uh". Because "VILE-UH" is an evil name.

Naturally, the Science Council turns to Jor-El, because they are established weenies and he's a Man of Scientific Action. That old saying "if your only tool is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" must be Kryptonian, I think, because Jor-El's is -- what else? -- to rocket them into outer space. That's Jor-El's solution to everything. A monkey flings poo at you? Rocket him into outer space! Your kid's dog whizzes on your K-Pod? Rocket him into outer space! Catch Van-Zee leering at Lara behind your back? Rocket him into outer space! For people who never left their own planet, the Kryptonians have an awful lot of rockets lying around.

Can you imagine how annoying it would be to work with Jor-El?

"Okay, everyone, let's figure out how to deal with the opposing lobbyists on the Hill--"
"Rocket them into outer space!'
"Uh, yeah, Jorry, we can't really do that, and Congress would never--"
"Rocket them, too!"
"To say nothing of the press."
"Into outer space! All of them!"
"New rule, Jorry: decaf only."

Anyway, so, Jor-El, who is not only single-minded but condescending, rockets them into outer space with a wicked nasty pun.

"Sirius?" "Completely."

Peter David, eat your heart out. "Sirius/completely" is now my second favorite pun, surpassed only by "Sir, you're back!"/"Yes, she almost broke it!"

Naturally, since it's a Jor-El plan, something goes wrong and the dogs wind up later on Earth. Because Jor-El's the kind of co-worker who, long after he's been retired or fired, is still responsible for messes that pop up on your desk years later.

"What do you mean, only the designer has the access codes? Call him."
"Um... he's in the Phantom Zone and his cell gets no signal there."
"Then wipe the damn thing and reinstall it."
"We need the original crystal memory shard for that."
"Don't tell me: SOMEone rocketed it into outer space..."
"Speaking of which... I think I figured out what happened to the office copy of The Collected Wisdom of the Six Known Galaxies... ."

So the Three Naughty Doggies show up on Earth, like everything else fleeing Krypton; when the heck did when give them TPS?

This is where they discover they have superpowers when on earth. At this point, I'll skip my "how do dogs, who have extremely little exposed skin, soak up solar energy?" lecture, because it's too geeky. But I will admit that my first thought upon seeing this panel was, "Oh, Tronk can't talk, like the big guy in Superman II; huh, I wonder why he can't talk." You know that the tsunami has hit and that you're completely submerged in Silver Age logic when you don't notice you're automatically thinking things like, "I wonder why that dog can't talk."

Now I'll skip the scene where they whup Streaky the Supercat's hinie, mostly because I've already sent that out to be framed. The real action comes when they catch up with Krypto and his family in Tahiti on vacation, where Krypto's human gets his family to safety by convincing them that there's an impending -- wait for it -- tsunami. Ain't that the truth.

The phrase "This is your hairless one? Perhaps after I've defeated you, I'll make him my pet" is a clever reference to a similar scene in Superman II. It's also extremely useful at the bars and I've already said it three times this weekend.

So, Krypto does his Linda Carter-esque superspin into costume:

If there's anything better than evil Kryptonian superdogs in purple capes and more facial hair it's snarky evil Kryptonian superdogs in purple capes and more facial hair. I didn't get to say, "Special effects and capes; how quaint" this weekend, but I did hear a 6'3" drag queen say it, which was even better.

At this point, we not only get to see that Kryptonian dogs have opposable thumbs (because THAT's how advanced the Kryptonians were), we get to hear one the Greatest Lines of All Time.

"Bow down to me, Pet of Jor-El!" Priceless.

All ends well. Our heroes trick the Three Naughty Dogs of Zod with some kryptonite and then handle them in the only sensible way:

Rocket them in outer space.

BUT WAIT, there's more.

The issue has a back-up story, in which Krypto the Superdog teams up with Ace the Bathound against the Joker's hyenas, Bud & Lou. Why?

Because Batman asked for their help.

Now, THAT is a Batman I can adore.

It's clever, plot-driven story, in which the Joker is trying use his pets to lure Batman out of town, and the dog heroes are trying to make it look as if he has, including lots of scenes where Ace disguises himself as Batman. No, that's not stupid; trust me, it works. I'm completely Sirius.

See for yourself.

No, he's not really driving. But I love that they let you think for a moment that he is.

Ace isn't driving; it's just Krypto the flying dog carrying the Batmobile using his superstrength. Phew! Good; for a moment I thought the writers were asking us to believe the impossible!

Don't dismiss something like Krypto just because it's "written for kids". Some of the best comics were, you know.

So, if thou are not reading Krypto the Superdog, I call thee "fool". And so does this guy:

The Latest Big Tree

I grew up in a household that had a total of 13 dogs. As an adult, I interact with between 70 to 100 dogs every work day (not counting the ones I live with, and the less said about them, the better). In short, I have had a lot of opportunity to experience canine behavior.

When a new tree is planted in area common to lots of dogs, it's a very big event. Many dogs will try to "make their mark" on the tree by pissing on it. The more thoroughly they urinate, the stronger a message they feel they are sending to all the other dogs who will inspect the tree and the collected "smell comments" on it.

Spend a lot of time with dogs, who like us are strongly social, hierarchical, and pack-driven, and you will see how similar people's behavior is, once you scratch off the veneer of our intelligence. For example, in the comic book world the latest Big Tree is, of course, Countdown to Infinite Crisis. It is, in fact, the central tree in DC's new grove, soon to become a forest. It's the most important tree planted since Crisis on Infinite Earths.

So, naturally, every good comic-reading dog has decided that, in order to make their mark and show off for all the other dogs, they have to piss on it. And the stench streaming from their little weblogs is fierce! Yet every time Jeph Loeb's pukes up onto the sidewalk some half-digested pieces of the worst of the Silver Age that he found rotting in the sun, these same dogs run over to roll in it gleefully, hoping some of its stinky aura will adhere to them.

Dog have great astuteness; if they bark, pay attention. But do not take their advice on comic books. As a human being, feel free to look up and admire the majesty of the tree, its powerful roots, its far-reaching branches, its striving to great heights. Don't waste your time sniffing the droppings of those whose world includes only those things right under their noses.

Are You Sleeping, Brother J'onn?

The interesting thing about the Absorbascon's new toy, the Dynastic Centerpiece model, is its potential use to build a mythos around a character without a dynasty. Take, for example, the ultimate also-ran, the Martian Manhunter.

"Poor J'onn", as everyone knows, couldn't maintain a series to save his life...by himself. But if DC really put its mind to it, they could, without even making up new characters, build a Dynasty with J'onn as the Centerpiece that would not only enable him to have his own title but, eventually, would nearly demand it. A quick stroll through the DC Encyclopedia provides the raw material, simply waiting for Geoff Johns to arrange it one day while sitting on the toilet (or the J'onn, if you prefer cheap Golden Age puns).

The Martian Manhunter's role in the DCU is easily unique: he is the Ultimate Outsider (J'onn is unfailingly ALIEN, no matter how long he's been here) as Ultimate Insider (he's a shapechanger, reads minds, can turn invisible, and "JLA" is his middle name). So the dynastic themes are disguise, espionage, invisibility, detective work, infilitation (physical and mental), alienation and belonging. The Martian Manhunter mythos could become the home for a lot of unused or underused outre figures. There are plenty of pre-existing choices:

Dynastic Centerpiece: J'onn J'onnz
Junior Counterpart: The Elongated Man (as long as we don't have to watch him talk to his dead wife), or Xer0 (a black basketball player who doubled in disguise as a white secret agent)
Female Version: Gypsy, Mirage, or Aruna (shapeshifting Indian girl; she was in "Batgirl", trust me, it's in the Encyclopedia)
Kid Sidekick: Gypsy (hey, if she's not in MM's dynasty, who would be?), Risk, Hero (the gay guy from the Ravers), or even Cassius Payne (Clayface's kid)!
Black Sheep: The Question, The Human Target, Praxis (remember him?)

Civilian Companion: Slam Bradley (the noir detective, like John Jones was)
Elder Statesman: Phantasmo (oh, just look it up), a retconned "The King", Nathaniel Dusk, Hamilton Drew (already associated with Elongated Man), Darwin Jones
Animal Companion: Detective Chimp (although he seems to be spoken for), Sam Simeon (another character who uses his mental powers to go undetected among humans), Rex the Wonder Dog (hey, he's a "property" they need to do something with him!)
Authority Figure: King Farraday, Mr. Bones
Contextualizing City: Midway (with its "neither fish nor fowl" halfway between Gotham and Metropolis image), wacky Delta City (home of Vext), National City (home of Xer0)

Add in the "anti-dynasty" (also easily supplied the Encyclopedia) and the series practically writes itself.

Flash Mythos still slow to recover

Flash's mythos is still recovering from the removal of its Dynastic Centerpiece Barry Allen and is currently held together more by the strength of its "anti-dynasty", the Rogues. Wally West is stuck doing double duty as both Centerpiece and Junior Counterpart. If DC worked on repairing his relationship with Jesse Quick she could do the double duty as Female Version and Junior Counterpart, which would help Wally shed his "Junior" role; he also to stay away from the Titans and Outsiders as much as possible and in the JLA, for the same reason.

With the full speed return of Jay Garrick via JSA, poor Max Mercury must have been superfluous as Elder Statesman, which is why he got shipped off to the Speed Force. Kid Sidekick Kid Flash has been "put in his place" as inferior to Wally by shattering his knee a few times. Contextualizing City Keystone itself is a strong character which beautifully contextualizes Wally as a blue collar, unionized hero. Flash still needs a Civilian Companion (who IS "Flash's pal"? Those Chyre and Morillo guys?), and might benefit from a Black Sheep (like the old Speed Demon, Red/Blue Trinity types),perhaps a former Velocity 9 junkie with residual bursts of speed?

I don't think Wally needs a "Flashhound" as an Animal Companion, but it would amuse me if he and Linda had a pet turtle. Named "Pietro". Yes, that would amuse me greatly.

Knick Knack Paddy Whack

Animal Companions are back in vogue, mythically. Krypto the Superdog has his own cartoon now, which also features Ace the Bathound (and his hilarious "utility collar").

Crazy though it sounds, I think Aquaman needs a dog as an Animal Companion; it's already been established that there are plenty of water-breathing dogs swimming around Sub Diego. I think "Salty the Seadog" (or, if you prefer Old School, "Topo" or "Tusky") would humanize Arthur greatly. Besides, the man lost his whole family; throw him a bone already and at least let him have a dog to keep him company, because talking to fish all day will drive you nuts.