Gaslighting Green Arrow

 This is why I don't read old JLA stories:

The Blackhawks. The Challengers of the Unknown. Plastic Man. Vigilante and Stuff. The Original Robotman. Congorilla. Rex the Wonder Dog. Flash. Superman. Batman & Robin.  Wonder Woman. Aquaman.  And, naturally, Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen.
Just looking at that gives me a headache.

Following HJF1's lead, I made the foolish decision to read JLA #144 from 1977, from which I used a panel in the immediately previous post.  It's a "secret origin" story for the Justice League of America.  It's insanely unnecessary but it does have two nice points; it posits American anti-everything paranoia in the 1950s as the reason the Martian Manhunter kept himself under wraps for so long AND gives an actual logical reason why the JLA is called the Justice League OF AMERICA (to calms the fears of a paranoid populace).  

It also makes a fool out of Green Arrow, but, of course, plenty of stories do that.

But in the Bronze Age (and PARTICULARLY Bronze Age JLA), the only kind of kill was overkill. So instead of just having the other JLAers showing up for a call to action they had to throw in the Junk Drawer Brigade pictured above.

SO, how big a loser do you have to be to get dumped by the friggin' Blackhawks and the Chinatown Kid?

I knew what would come next.  The circumstances of the plot would be stretched to what lengths necessary to enable EACH guest-star to make a unique contribution to the plot.

Like Lois Lane, who uses deductive reasoning (rather than "reporter's instincts") and her woefully outdated outfit to sniff out some Martians.

Actually, Lois Lane DOESN'T sniff out a Martian. Who she really sniffs out is:

Adam Strange, who is almost captured by Congorilla.
Because OF COURSE Adam Strange has to stick his nose in even though they AREN"T EVEN IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE.
Go back to yer dirty, stinking Rannies, Adam.

Back to his Rannies.  Everything's a big joke to you, isn't it, Great Earth Savior?

But you know who DOES sniff out some Martians?

I bet you saw THAT coming.

I guess it makes sense that Green Arrow never knew this story; it's not like it was made public in the media.

Except for Roy Raymond who blasts out a worldwide call to gather forces to fight The Martian Invasion. Because just when you think a story can't get MORE annoying, horrible ROY RAYMOND pops in. I guess that's why so many losers answered the call to action; who ELSE watches Roy Raymond, TV Detective?

So Ollie,

who was off in his own private Idaho at the time

was completely unaware of a Martian Invasion, just because he was VACATIONING on desert isle in the South Seas? smh

It's just as well, because Ollie would have been emotionally crushed when he was not picked for the A Team

All the actual superhero icons, with Roy Raymond to pick up Rex's poop.

or even the B Team

Although I'd love to have heard the Blackhawks say some choice, multi-accented things about Green Arrow or dump him in the garbage can with Jimmy Olsen.

and was sloughed off to the Scrubs:

Four muscled-headed oafs who should be dead. Orville Peck, a brain in a can, Congo Bill, and a woman vain enough to think she can land Superman wearing clothes from 20+ years ago.

And the last thing anyone wants to see in Green Arrow cry.

Bombo is no longer your friend

As Kimbareta Shakespeare wrote, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless elephant."

Unlike the devious and sexually perverse octopus, the faithful elephant is known for its long memory of those it cherishes and its undying loyalty.  It's nearly impossible to lose the affections of an elephant...unless you are inveterate embittered jackass Congo Bill.

"Egads, even my Giant Peanut Butter Fudge Trap won't stop him!"

If you think Green Arrow villains are bad, you should read some Congo Bill.  Not a lot of colorful villains in the Congo (outside of the government), so the most interesting rogues in his Rogue's Gallery are...elephants.

When Janu finally figures out that Bill makes up the Unwritten Law of the Jungle on the fly, it won't be pretty.

Wouldn't it be GREAT, by the way, if the Flash had a elephant villain in his rogue's gallery? Say, a psychedelic Ganesha Guru, who had perception-bending powers?

This one's for free, DC; get to work on it.

Anyway, being no Barry Allen, Congo Bill has limited tolerance for rogues. Even ones who are obviously gentle in nature.

Bombo's lighter-than-air shoes didn't work out nearly as well as his cold-gun.

Rather than just let Bombo loose in some unpopulated area, Congo Bill leaps at the chance to follow The Unwritten Law of the Jungle and shoot him.  Because Congo Bill is from Mega City.

That's it, Janu; just close your eyes, bury your head and quietly sob to yourself.
Just like every Saturday night in Bill's tent.

Bill is his usual supportive self about it, though.

"Why, who knows? There could be another elephant RIGHT BEHIND US.
Don't look, though."

Naturally, it turns out Bombo was being framed.  Although who could blame him anyway?  If I spent all my time with Congo Bill, I'd turn against humans, too.  No wonder the jungle gods eventually turned Bill into a part-time gorilla.

Since shooting elephants is about as heroic as Congo Bill gets, he manages to squeeze off a non-heroic haiku as he presumptively damns his pachyderm pal:

"Hey, Janu, I rented us a movie for tonight; Old Yeller."

No use blowing that

whistle, Janu... Bombo is

no longer your friend.

What haiku can YOU compose to commemorate poor Bombo or condemn Congo Bill?

It's comedy gold, I tell ya!

Okay, I have this great concept I want to pitch to DC!

It's great to have a big serious JLA, like we have now, but wouldn't it be cool to also have running with it concurrently a funny version, kind of like the JLI?

So, the hook would be that it's a sort of parody of the old Justice League Elite series or even *snort* Extreme Justice. You know, where the Justice League decides,

"Hey, we're not busy enough with out own lives of individual crimefighting and city-saving, and our monthly joint venture to save the world from Kanjar Ro or the like, so we need to go out and LOOK for people to beat up."

See, that idea is already funny. Just like it was in Justice League Elite. And Extreme Justice. And the Outsiders. Even when the writers didn't know it was funny.

But how can I make it believable? I mean, who in the Justice League is stupid enough to try to pull that concept off (AGAIN!), without my being accused of mischaracterization? The kind of person who'll rush off without fear and throw himself head-first into any danger? Oh, wait, of course...

Hal Jordan.

Yeah, that'll work perfectly. But he'll need a second in command, somebody with some similar star power. Someone who's supposed to be there to keep him from acting rashly, and act as a counterbalance. But the funny part will be -- wait for it! -- that it'll be GREEN ARROW!

Bwa-ha-ha-hah! Oh, the hilarity that will ensue!

Then, just to make sure I don't completely trash their images, I'll surround them with a team of scrubs, the kind you usually don't find more than a mile from Dr. Thirteen. Batwoman, with her fabulous heels; no, I truly truly love her, but it's not like anyone else is going to use her. I'll need a gay guy for balance, so how about that really poorly dressed blue guy from Starman? The fashion-forward lesbian and the fashion-blind gay guy will make for hilarious irony!

And Ray Palmer, since, after having his image trashed in Identity Crisis and Countdown, there's really not much further harm that can be done. Besides shrinky guys are intrinsically funny, and when you throw in Jean Loring, The Wickedest Ex-Wife in the World, it's comedy gold.

Some others, as of yet undecided. Some Ugly Ducklings unwanted by the real iconic hero dynasties to which they belong. Freddie Freeman, maybe? You know, the hero who can't say his own name? Oh, and he's crippled! That's a double handicap, so he's in.... Triple, really, if you count being part of the Marvel Family!

In the same vein: maybe Supergirl? Nobody else knows what to do with her. Yeah, let's turn one of the most powerful beings on the planet loose to beat up suspects with no one but Hal Jordan and Ollie Queen to reign her in!

But I need someone else, again, intrinsically funny, like... like a gorilla (just like the laughfest of making Detective Chimp a gritty alcohol figure for Shadowpact). Maybe my new favorite heroclix pog, Congo Bill/Congorilla? Nah! Too crazy! Besides, I genuinely like Congo Bill too much to put in him in such a stupid group.

So, tell me what do you think? It can't fail, right?

Wait, what's that, you say...? HE DID?!

Curse you, James Robinson for stealing my idea!!!!!!!

"The Jungle" and other heroclix maps you can buy!

As you may have guessed from reading this blog, Heroclix is a big thing at the Big Monkey Comics stores. In addition to teaching the game and providing a forum for tournies and games, we try to do other fun stuff, like making special pogs, facilitating group orders on custom pogs, and designing special maps for our customers to play on.

Now, you too can share in some of the joy of being a Big Monkey Monkey customer who plays Heroclix, all in the comfort of your own home. Big Monkey Comics is proud to announce that our new line of custom Heroclix maps is now available through Xion Games!

The first three are water or "underwater" maps for all my fellow fans of Aquaman, and I think I've mentioned them on here before. Someday I hope to gather Will Pfeiffer, Kurt Busiek, Tad Williams and me around such a map, enjoying an all-aqua-game, watching the real Aquaman kayo Black Manta, who's just clobbered the Sword of Atlantis. And Ramona Fradon would be there, just sort of having tea and smiling at the little boys playing "Aquaman".

But the next two maps are ones you haven't seen and they are regular land-based maps.


Mercy Reef
Get out your "aquatic" clix! This all-underwater map has a coral reef separating opposing forces, and special rules for navigating its terrain. Take the plunge and visit Mercy Reef!

Sea Levels
For battles at and under the sea, you need "Sea Levels", which represents one segment of the sea at four different depths (The Surface, the Diving Zone, Deep Water, and Sea Bottom), each with its own special rules for movement and terrain. Take your aquatic gameplay to a new level!

Sunburn Beach
Want a nice open map on which aquatic forces can invade the land (or vice versa)? Pit landlubbers against ocean-dwellers at Sunburn Beach!

The Old Cemetery
A graveyard is a spooky place for a battle ... and a tricky one! Special headstone and tomb terrain make for lots of strategy. Will your figures survive "hide and seek" or wind up remaining in ... the Old Cemetery?!

The Jungle
"The Jungle" is a dangerous place, and now your Heroclix games can take place there! With lots of undergrowth (hindering terrain) and trees (blocking terrain), plus the river and the pond (water terrain), the Jungle is a challenge to get around in, let alone fight the enemy. Oh, look out for the crocodiles, gorillas, tigers, boas, vipers that occupy Danger Terrain. And did we mention the quicksand...?


Did I say "regular"? Well, that's a lie, of course. Each of them has special terrain, designed to enliven and give a bit more variety to your Heroclix gameplay. The Old Cemetery has "headstone terrain"; you can occupy it like hindering terrain, but from outside it blocks line of sight. That way, your figures can creep around hiding behind headstones! But the elevated terrain on the tops of tombs serves as special vantage points for attacking (or being attacked!). There's more than you might expect going on in an Old Cemetery.

Our latest map, the Jungle, has "Danger Terrain" which 'attacks' anyone who lands on it and "Elastic Terrain", such as the quicksand that requires breakaway. Beware the boa constrictor because it's BOTH! In the Silver Age, big monkeys came from the jungle; nowadays, "The Jungle" comes from Big Monkey.

Just think how many characters need to be on this map! Adventurer Rex "Metamorpho" Mason. Archeologists Adam Strange, Carter Hall, and Kent Nelson the first. Ray "Sword of the Atom" Palmer. Animal Man, Vixen, Cat-Man, & Bronze Tiger! Changeling & Cheetah! Copperhead and Eclipso! Gorilla Grodd, M'sieur Mallah, and the Ultrahumanite! Killer Croc and Kobra! Green Arrow and Sargent Rock! Poison Ivy and Solomon Grundy! Heck, the whole Suicide Squad, since they seemed to spend lots of time in the jungle... .

Oh, for those who buy the Jungle map, I've made a few special pogs for it. Of course!

You can't see it easily, but Bomba has the Aquatic ability, so he can wade through the river for you. Both he and Congo Bill are legal by the way, because their stats are identical to existing tokens (Bomba is based on Mera, and Congo Bill, with extreme irony, is based on Ken Hale). I'll make some more tokens for jungle characters, if anyone wants them and comes up with good ideas for ones to use.

The little capuchin monkeys below are special tokens you can add to the game. Nobody owns them, they're just sort of 'moving terrain'.

There are three trees on the map that have monkeys pictured on them. A capuchin token is placed adjacent to each of those trees, serving as blocking terrain. You can choose to move one of the capuchins as one of your actions during your turn (although they cannot be "pushed").

Like any token, the capuchins tie up regular figures, so you can use a monkey to run up and base an opposing figure, which must either breakaway or kayo the monkey (but that's bad luck). Of course, they have leap/climb, so your opponent can make them run back at you! Pesky little monkeys!

Why We Love Congo Bill

As long time readers of this blog may remember, we are fans of the glory of one of DC's least appreciated legacies, Congo Bill. Congo Bill remains MIA, even though DC has brought back so many other forgotten and unlikely characters. Lady Cop. Detective Chimp. Koryak. Vibe.

Oh; that's right. Vibe hasn't come back.

Yet.

Anyway, neither has Congo Bill. You may think that's because he's an idea whose time has passed; fools! If you think there isn't still an audience for watching white guys in unlikely outfits traipse faux-knowingly about Africa and such, well, then you don't get Animal Planet in your cable line-up, do you?

In case you don't already love Congo Bill (and I do mean Congo Bill, not "Congorilla"), here are some reasons to.

He hangs out with admiring candy heiresses. Named Alva.
Okay, DC; if you're not going to bring back Congo Bill,
at least make a passing reference to "Alva Patties" or "Matson Bars".


Congo Bill knows the pleasures of sweet, sweet octopus love.
Oh, yes.


Bill can improvise a convincing manta ray costume out of sticks & leaves.
On land.
It really doesn't get more impressive than that, folks.



When Bill needs info, he roughs up his stoolies, the Fungi Forest Puffs.



He hung out with talking gorillas in Gorilla City long before the Flash.